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Rec'd   ^^^a^t^-./ij-i-^-i.^f---. 


BY  THE   SAME  AUTHOR 

MARRIAGE  AND  RACE  DEATH «1.10 

THE  MONARCH  BILLIONAIRE 110 

IMPERIALISM  AND  LIBERTY 1.50 

HUMAN  SUBMISSION 28 

OUR  RIGHT  TO  ROB  ROBBERS .28 


THE  AMERICAN  HOUSE  OF  LORDS:  SUPREME  COURT  USURPA- 
TION    06 


THE  HORROBOOS 1-12 

Sent  post-paid  at  the  above  prices 

The  Liberty  Press,  Boston,  Mass.,  U.  S.  A. 


THE  HORROBOOS 


BY 

MORRISON  I.  SWIFT 


t/ 


THE  LIBERTY   PRESS 
BOSTON,  1911 


To  M. 


Copyright  igii,  by  Morrison  I.  Swift 


CONTENTS 


IJX'u 


CHAPTER 

1.  Colonel  Fessendkn  Brady 

2.  The  Rinyos     .... 

3.  King  Milto 

4.  The  Treasdre  is  Divided 

5.  A  Magnificent  Carnage  . 

6.  The  Position  of  The  King's  Feet  in  the  Fabric  of  State 

7.  The  Trainers  in  Licking 

8.  My  Two  Miracles    . 

9.  The  King  and  I  Sit  in  a  Tree  . 

10.  The  Long  Poles.    I  am  Condemned  to  Death 

11.  I  Begin  to  Civilize  the  Rinyos 

12.  The  White  Caravan 

13.  Rebellion       .... 

14.  I  Pay  Wages  and  Restore  Happiness 

15.  Some  Superfluous  Rinyos 

16.  The  Terror     .... 

17.  Better  Than  Bullets 

18.  Rinyo  Marriage 

19.  Astounding  Institutions  of  the  Horroboos 

20.  Griffelak  Uncovers  the  Foundations  of  Human  Society 

21.  The  Terrible  Potentate  Teaches  me  Political  Economy 

22.  The  Origin  of  Horroboo  Grandeur  . 

23.  Horroboo  Spinsters  ..... 

24.  Griffelak  the  Great       ..... 

25.  The  Chief  Eaters  and  their  Advanced  Anatomy 

26.  Horroboo  Equality  ..... 

27.  I  Meet  the  Fat       ...... 

28.  The  Food  Inclosures         ..... 

29.  Pillars  of  the  Horroboo  State 

30.  Horroboo  Religion  ..... 

31.  The  National  Harem       ..... 

32.  Budding  Angels.    The  Beautiful  Empress 

33.  The  Glories  of  Horroboo  Science 

34.  We  Stumble  upon  the  Fountain  of  Human  Happiness 

35.  I  Prepare  to  Depart,  the  Richest  Man  in  the  World.    My 

Last  Miracle  ...... 

36.  The  Sign  of  the  Nose       ...... 

37.  Millions  of  JL^d  Cannibals.    The  Hand  of  Providence 

38.  The  African  Prince  ...... 


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THE    HORROBOOS 


CHAPTER  I 
Colonel  Fessenden  Brady 

It  was  the  last  night  of  the  century  and  a  number  of  us 
had  gathered  to  witness  the  closing  heart-beat  of  a  hundred 
years.  To  while  away  the  time  until  the  ancient  patient's 
demise  we  began  to  tell  stories,  drawing  on  our  imaginations 
so  vigorously  that  in  some  cases  it  seemed  that  the  faculty 
might  never  be  quite  elastic  again.  There  was  among  us  one 
who  did  not  yield  himself  to  our  sprightly  vein,  who  indeed, 
if  we  were  to  speak  from  his  reveried  air,  hardly  felt  the 
bracing  sallies  of  mirth  which  gathered  into  spirited  gales 
in  their  passage  from  mind  to  mind.  At  length  we  bantered 
him  on  his  taciturnity,  voting  that  he  too  must  lay  a  story 
upon  the  altar  of  laughter.  "Greyson !  Greyson !"  cried 
several,  whereupon  we  all  shuffled  our  chairs  making  him 
the  center. 

I  am  not  a  person  of  flaming  fancy,  began  the  gentleman 
thus  importuned,  and  if  you  demand  improvisation  I  shall 
humbly  vacate  the  office  of  amusement  to  which  you  have 
elected  me.  Moreover,  upon  this  of  all  nights  of  my  life 
I  am  chilled  with  sombre  memories  which  hold  my  mind 
in  their  unrelenting  grasp.  What  I  shall  tell  you  is  true — 
would  it  were  not! — true  even  to  the  indelible  language  I 
shall  repeat,  and  occurred  ten  years  ago  at  this  very  hour. 
Although  never  have  I  spoken  of  it  to  a  living  being,  not  a 
day  has  passed  when  I  have  not  earnestly  meditated  upon 
my  part  in  it ;  it  has  weighed  too  heavily  on  my  mind ;  with 


4  THE  HORROBOOS 

the  new  century  I  am  resolved  to  throw  its  shadowy  incubus 
off  and  be  again  a  free  gay-hearted  man. 

I  was  returning  from  Europe  on  one  of  the  great  liners. 
We  had  reached  mid-ocean  on  the  last  day  of  the  year  and 
were  plowing  through  storming  seas  which  kept  the  major- 
ity in  bed ;  but  seven  or  eight  of  us,  all  men  of  course,  who 
had  formed  an  agreeable  companionship  by  talking  most 
of  the  time  together  in  the  smoking  room,  whetting  our 
appetites  for  stories,  smoke,  and  genial  ocean  follies  by 
transitory  conflicts  with  the  sleety  blasts  on  deck,  conspired 
to  make  a  midnight  of  it,  to  co-operate  with  the  first  rock- 
ing of  the  new  year  in  the  cradle  of  the  sea.  Finding  the 
smoking-room  pretty  much  deserted  before  nine  o'clock, 
we  took  possession  of  our  favorite  corner  and  began  to 
yam.  Rather  more  champagne  than  usual  having  been 
drunk  in  honor  of  the  great  proceeding  of  nature,  our 
narratives  took  on  a  vividly  human,  personal,  and  autobio- 
graphical character.  It  must  have  been  the  feeling  of  old 
and  confidential  friendship  engendered  by  wine  and  boreal 
song  that  moved  Colonel  Fessenden  Brady,  a  highly  enter- 
taining gentleman,  but  one  in  the  lambent  ether  of  whose 
nature  could  be  discerned  the  haughty  cleavages  of  dignity 
and  reserve,  to  give  us  a  singular  chapter  from  his  own 
life.  Brady  was  a  world-nobleman  before  whose  stateliness 
I  wondered  at  the  audacity  of  nature  to  storm, — handsome, 
polished,  majestical,  magnificently  dressed,  oracular,  per- 
fect, and  aureoled  in  the  spiritual  majesty  of  fabulous 
wealth.     This  was  his  story. 

A  few  years  ago  I  went  out  to  Africa  for  the  first  time 
as  a  missionary. 

As  a  missionary!  we  ejaculated,  and  all  joined  in  a  cour- 
teous laugh  at  this  cheerful  thrust.  Attracted  by  the  word 
missionary,  or  Africa,  or  by  our  restrained  hilariousness, 
a  dark  young  splendid  looking  person,  garbed  in  surpass- 
ing elegance,  with  a  fortune  of  gold  and  two  of  diamonds 


COLONEL  FESSENDEN   BRADY  5 

visible  on  his  dazzling  exterior,  lounged  toward  us  and  sat 
condescendingly  down.     Colonel  Brady  continued. 

I  expected  you  to  smile,  but  it  is  the  glittering  truth;  I 
went  out  there  as  a  missionary,  which  I  don't  think  you  find 
harder  to  believe  of  me  than  I  do  of  myself.  This  was  the 
manner  of  it:  I  was  looking  about  New  York  for  a  way 
to  become  a  multimillionaire  in  two  years  at  farthest,  as 
all  well-born  and  true-hearted  American  youths  will,  and 
I  wasn't  finding  it  very  fast,  when  the  idea  possessed  me 
that  the  smoothest  road  to  my  deserved  estate  lay  through 
a  new  country,  undesecrated  by  greed.  Shunning  books 
of  travel  and  other  beaten  tracks  through  the  wilderness, 
I  haunted  the  water  front,  sailors'  homes  and  boarding 
houses,  and  the  little  religious  camps  in  the  maritime  desert, 
leeching  myself  on  to  every  human  oddity  whose  corroded 
exterior  indicated  foreign  adventure,  with  whom  I  put 
myself  on  terms  of  brotherly  familiarity.  Fortune  was 
certainly  enamored  of  me,  for  I  came  upon  a  friendless 
wretch  in  the  last  stages  of  poverty  and  consumption  who 
changed  the  destinies  of  my  life.  I  helped  him  with  small 
sums,  always  being  repaid  at  sight  with  compound  affec- 
tion, and  was  soon  gratified  to  perceive  that  for  novel  expe- 
rience concerning  wild  tribes,  unknown  localities,  dark  deeds 
and  suppressed  information  he  was  a  noble  gem  out-shining 
-all  competitors,  into  whose  deeps  I  cautiously  probed  for 
the  great  secret  of  which  such  a  character  could  not  be 
destitute. 

I  wooed  his  confidence  with  gruel  and  credulity,  where 
his  dying  memory  flagged  I  stimulated  it  with  draughts  of 
my  own  sparkling  fancy,  and  often  I  talked  obliquely,  as 
if  he  had  already  told  me  everything,  to  surprise  him  into 
some  fertile  hints.  But  I  never  caught  him  that  way,  for 
he  was  a  shrewd  quill;  it  was  my  indefatigable  kindness, 
not  my  wit,  and  the  plain  pounding  of  death  on  his  ribs 
within  that  conquered.     A  few  days  before  dying  he  com- 


6  THE  HORROBOOS 

municated  what  I  sought.  With  two  dare-devil  companions 
he  had  forced  his  way  some  distance  inland  from  the 
African  coast  by  untried  routes  until  they  had  ascended  to 
a  small  tribe  occupying  a  rich  and  protected  basin  among 
the  hills.  These  savages,  who  called  themselves  Rinyos, 
and  were  a  twin  half  of  the  great  Horroboo  nation,  as  I 
later  learned,  altho  cannibals  and  tumultuously  warlike, 
were  nevertheless  highly  intelligent  for  their  kind,  if  not 
too  openly  abused  were  agreeably  tame,  and  were  mild  and 
lovable  in  their  domestic  relations  when  their  wives  were 
obedient.  Their  most  engaging  attribute  was  the  gold  that 
stocked  their  country  and  of  which  they  were  abjectly,  I 
may  say  sinfully,  ignorant.  After  a  brief  visit  the  adven- 
turers had  departed  uninjured,  determined  either  to  sell 
their  secret  for  a  huge  sum  or  to  return  with  suitable  sup- 
port to  exploit  the  treasure.  On  their  journey  coastward 
they  became  mutually  suspicious,  which  distemper,  fed  by 
unsanitary  climatal  influences,  grew  rapidly  into  a  madness, 
so  that  none  of  them  dared  to  sleep  for  fear  of  treachery. 
Nor  would  they  trust  one  another  to  separate,  each  believ- 
ing that  whoever  emerged  from  the  brush  first  would  fore- 
stall the  others  and  reap  the  entire  harvest.  Of  course  this 
could  not  last  long:  two  of  them  one  day  fell  foul  of  each 
other,  and  as  they  fought  my  acquaintance  dispatched  both 
as  security  for  his  own  life  and  clean  title  to  the  Horroboo 
section  of  Africa. 

From  the  dying  man  I  obtained  a  minute  description  of 
the  parts  he  had  traversed ;  I  faithfully  tended  him  to  the 
last,  that  he  might  not  in  his  final  agony  chatter  of  his 
peregrinations  to  strangers,  and  when  his  latest  breath  was 
drawn  I  hurriedly  turned  him  over  to  the  city  for  burial, 
and  addressed  myself  to  weightier  affairs.  I  can  assure  you 
I  lost  no  time  in  planning  to  gather  in  these  revealed  truths, 
as  I  called  them  from  evangelical  habit, — for  what  after 
all  13  doctrinally  truer  in  this  world  than  dollars  ? — nor  was 


COLONEL  FESSENDEN    BRADY  7 

it  long  before  a  thousand  infallible  schemes  crowded  my 
consciousness,  lacking  only  the  fell  essential  of  funds  for 
their  execution.  Here  I  was  in  deep  distress;  my  little 
savings  from  theological  prizes,  scholarships  and  small  gifts 
intended  for  the  Lord  from  pious  rich  women,  were  fast 
gliding  away,  while,  pessimistic  of  the  virtues  of  mankind, 
the  idea  of  taking  some  capitalist  into  partnership  to  lie 
on  his  couch  and  absorb  the  spoils  garnered  by  my  brain, 
muscle  and  sacrifices,  was,  I  must  say,  intolerably  repul- 
sive. Drooping  in  this  sorry  state  for  many  days,  I  hap- 
pened to  receive  an  invitation  to  preach  in  a  small  town, 
and  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye  my  worries  vanished.  I 
resolved  to  go  to  the  African  tribe  as  a  missionary.  As 
such  my  passage  out  would  be  paid  and  I  could  find  myself 
in  money  from  the  Church  or  benevolent  individuals  to 
supply  the  materials  which  my  plan  involved. 

You  are  probably  wondering  why  I  was  invited  to  preach. 
In  the  middle  of  my  college  course  my  father  met  with 
reverses  which  would  have  terminated  my  education  had 
not  a  wealthy  trustee  whose  specialty  was  recruiting  the 
ministry  offered  funds  for  the  balance  of  my  studies  if  I 
would  then  equip  for  the  church.  Joyfully  I  accepted,  with 
very  little  intention  as  you  may  imagine  of  ever  preaching. 
I  saw  however  that  under  the  wing  of  this  wealthy  citizen 
I  should  be  brought  into  favorable  relation  with  affluent 
men  of  influence,  the  controllers  of  worldly  openings ;  so 
having  passed  through  college  and  the  seminary — the  latter 
by  an  excellent  head  for  theology  cutting  down  to  two  years 
— I  found  myself  distressed  with  doctrinal  scruples  which 
prevented  the  examining  board  from  confirming  the  privi- 
lege to  preach.  This  honorably  excused  me  from  a  taste- 
less and  impecunious  profession,  somewhat  diluted  in  moral 
stamina,  I  fear,  and  I  had  my  four  years  of  education  free. 
As  the  new  call  to  preach  arose  from  a  more  liberal  body, 
I  should  have  been  constrained  to  widen  the  range  of  my 


8  THE   HORROBOOS 

conscience  to  other  perplexities,  had  it  not  given  me  the 
glorious  opening  into  the  missionary  arena.  Laying  my 
plan  before  the  denomination's  foreign  board,  which  was 
that  I  should  proceed  alone  into  this  dangerous  field,  I 
became  in  an  hour  their  religious  lion,  and  the  needful 
money  was  poured  into  my  pockets  while  blessings  streamed 
upon  my  head  at  an  equal  rate.  To  be  frank,  as  it  was 
generally  expected  that  I  would  be  summarily  eaten,  the 
virtue  of  my  martyrdom  was  expected  to  be  diffused  among 
my  senders;  and  anticipating  this  rich  and  speedy  return 
for  their  acts,  the  good  people  felt  eager  to  do  handsomely 
toward  my  comfort  by  liberal  preparation  for  the  few 
months  that  I  had  to  live. 

My  equipment  was  not  just  what  they  imagined  it  to  be, 
and  I  did  not  publicly  advertise  its  character.  That  severe 
array  of  strong  well-braced  boxes  was  supposed  by  them 
to  encase  bibles,  medicines,  surgical  instruments,  antitoxins, 
soaps,  mosquito  nets,  photographs  of  American  cities,  and 
of  the  Board  of  Foreign  Missions  that  fathered  my  self- 
sacrifice,  a  few  volumes  of  Shakespeare  and  Browning,  and 
proper  clothing  for  Christian  heathen,  of  course  more  in 
the  nature  of  samples  from  the  religious  firms  than  of  com- 
plete outfits  for  the  whole  tribe.  The  trusty  packing-cases 
in  reality  concealed  every  describable  novelty  of  trinket, 
gewgaw  and  bead,  all  the  garish  wonders  of  bizarre  in- 
vention, and  a  quite  incomparable  selection  of  peculiar  fire- 
crackers and  candies.  There  were  ten  of  these  chests,  each 
with  a  marvelous  treasure  peculiarly  its  own,  but  number 
ten  had  one  difference  from  the  otliers,  hereafter  to  be  de- 
scribed— it  was  the  pivot  of  my  plan,  the  conception  in 
which  my  genius  burst  into  full-orbed  radiance.  All  were 
lined  with  rubber  to  defend  them  against  rain  and  damp. 
Finally,  one  receptacle  bore  my  private  traps,  an  evening 
suit  vowed  to  planetary  culture,  a  few  books  on  which  I 
specially  doted,  including  Plato,  St.  Augustine,  Whitman, 


COLONEL  FESSENDEN     BRADY  9 

Thomas  a  Kempis,  Zola,  Emerson,  Ibsen,  Tolstoy,  Haeckel, 
Milton,  Nietzsche,  and  a  handful  of  conscientious  modem 
radicals  not  so  well  known,  for  these  sustain  the  soul  to 
great  enterprises — I  am  a  true  child  of  our  ideal  American 
Republic  and  absorb  everything  without  believing  much  of 
anything — firearms,  a  diamond  ring,  my  silk  hat  and  over- 
alls. 


CHAPTER  II 

The  Rinyos 

Having  reached  the  borderland  of  the  Rinyo  state  with 
aboriginal  attendants  collected  in  transit,  I  dismissed  them 
all  with  generous  benedictions  and  made  my  journey  for- 
ward alone,  instructing  them  to  return  for  me  in  a  year  to 
receive  their  pay,  which  they  tearfully  consented  to  do.  The 
poor  fellows  indeed  exhibited  signs  of  the  deepest  sorrow, 
never  expecting  to  see  me  alive  or  dead  again.  I  entered 
the  enemies'  country  in  the  night  and  after  traveling  some 
distance  toward  the  seat  of  the  King,  began  the  execution 
of  my  plan.  I  buried  one  of  the  chests  with  marks  to  in- 
dicate its  hiding-place;  and  so  proceeded,  always  by  night, 
making  a  circuit  of  the  royal  village  and  from  time  to  time 
interring  another  box.  By  day  I  recruited  and  slept,  keep- 
ing my  animals  out  of  sight  in  dense  groves.  I  was  grateful 
to  have  the  long  journey  over,  for  the  size  and  weight  of 
the  chests  had  obliged  the  strapping  of  three  animals  to- 
gether to  sustain  each  burden.  The  heavy  boxes  lying 
across  their  backs  and  the  disruption  of  their  ordinary 
habits — for  they  were  not  broken  to  move  in  triplets — often 
chafed  them  and  caused  a  panic,  to  my  great  apprehension, 
especially  when  there  was  no  moon.  Besides,  a  number  of 
the  mountain  paths  on  which  I  ventured  were  intended  for 


lO  THE   HORROBOOS 

only  one  beast  and  it  required  great  ingenuity  and  intrepid- 
ity on  my  part  to  guide  them  tiiree  abreast  to  the  number 
of  over  thirty.  When  all  the  boxes  were  dispersed  under 
the  sod  I  therefore  cheerfully  turned  the  animals  loose,  with 
the  precaution  of  secreting  their  trappings  in  a  covered 
crevice  of  rock,  and  advanced  toward  the  ruler's  village 
with  only  the  one  that  bore  my  personal  comforts  and  pro- 
fessional articles. 

I  was  received  with  gratifying  cordiality  and  enthusiasm, 
but  was  at  once  cast  into  prison,  which  on  reflection  I  con- 
sidered a  good  sign ;  for  they  might  have  torn  me  limb  from 
limb,  or  sportively  thrown  me  from  a  high  rock,  or  trans- 
fixed me  with  the  evening  spit;  but  their  leniency  for  the 
time  prevailed.  I  had  not  been  long  immured  before  I  was 
of  the  opinion  that  their  prison  system  needed  reforming. 
It  was  quite  too  simple  and  ascetic  to  suit  the  expansive 
standards  of  modern  life  of  even  the  criminal,  still  less  of 
the  cultivated  missionary.  They  placed  me  against  a  rock 
and  heaped  fragments  of  granite  against  my  surface  until 
only  my  head  was  visible,  nor  did  they  even  set  a  covering 
of  any  sort  above  me  for  protection  against  the  torrid  blaze 
of  the  sun.  How  they  expected  me  to  eat  in  this  situation 
unless  they  fed  me  I  have  never  been  able  to  imagine,  and 
the  boulders  pressed  against  my  thorax  with  such  acri- 
mony that  I  doubt  if  I  could  have  swallowed  unaided.  They 
seemed  to  be  making  ready  to  cast  their  javelins  at  my  head 
for  target  practice,  having,  I  suppose  they  imagined,  amply 
protected  my  important  parts. 

In  this  awkward  posture  of  affairs  I  signified  my  desire 
to  see  their  King,  a  privilege  which,  being  graciously  ac- 
corded, led  me  into  new  difficulties.  I  informed  his  maj- 
esty, as  well  as  I  could  with  motions  of  the  head  and  face, 
and  expressive  sounds,  that  I  possessed  secrets  that  would 
make  him  the  most  dreadful  of  living  monarchs,  thereby 
ardently  inflaming  his  ambition  and  causing  him  to  listen 


THE  RINYOS  II 

willingly  to  sanitary  overtures  to  enlarge  my  quarters  and 
give  me  facilities  for  expeditiously  learning  his  language. 
He  appointed  his  Family  Poet,  the  Chief  Prophet  of  their 
Idols,  and  the  head  of  their  Medical  Faculty,  who,  by  royal 
decree  were  considered  at  that  time  the  greatest  intellects 
of  the  realm,  my  instructors,  promising  that  none  of  the 
citizens  should  devour  me  except  under  such  penalties  as 
made  my  existence  for  the  time  moderately  secure. 

I  was  taken  out  of  my  cage  and  presented  with  a  domicile 
hewn  by  nature  in  the  rock,  containing  a  very  low  entrance 
which  obliged  me  to  creep  in  and  out  on  my  hands  and 
knees,  and  against  which  an  enormous  bulk  of  granite  was 
rolled  by  four  huge  savages  when  I  was  within.  The  King 
informed  me  by  signs  that  this  precaution  was  taken  as 
much  to  preserve  me  from  accidents  incident  to  strangers 
in  their  midst,  as  to  prevent  my  escape.  Twice  a  day  the 
stone  was  pushed  aside  so  that  I  might  promenade  in  public 
with  my  four  guards,  and  I  confess  I  felt  much  safer  at 
home  than  abroad.  Goaded  by  the  fear  that  some  native's 
appetite  might  outrun  his  theories  of  happiness,  I  spent  all 
my  time  talking  to  one  or  other  of  my  preceptors,  even  con- 
straining the  Chief  of  Idols  to  go  upon  my  walks  with  me, 
and  thus  I  made  such  prodigious  headway  in  grammar  that 
the  King  conceived  me  to  be  a  great  wit  and  proposed  to 
make  me  his  court  fool.  Then,  as  often  thereafter,  I  was 
obliged  to  decline  honors  that  were  thrust  upon  me  un- 
sought, for  it  transpired  that  their  rule  was  to  kill  most  of 
those  whom  they  turned  out  of  office  to  make  room  for 
another.  They  had  found  that,  having  held  office,  a  man 
was  never  happy  till  he  had  eeled  into  another,  that  he  was 
never  after  lat  ease  with  his  fellow  savages,  but  kept  him- 
self apart  from  them  with  a  contemptuous  and  often  mur- 
derous disposition,  and  that  the  anxiety  of  the  populace  to 
get  a  place  was  so  strenuous  that  some  became  mad.  And 
they  had  discovered  that  killing  the  retired  officials  not  only 


12  THE    HORROBOOS 

made  them  happier  but  to  some  extent  mollified  the  national 
fever  of  others  to  succeed  them.  In  one  or  two  instances 
there  proved  to  be  a  singularly  fruitful  exception  to  this 
sanguinary  maxim. 

The  King  was  not  offended  by  my  refusal  to  serve  offi- 
cially las  his  fool.  If  anything  he  was  rather  more  drawn 
to  me  by  my  abnegation,  considering  me  a  gap  in  the  con- 
tinuity of  nature  as  he  had  experienced  it.  He  said  as 
much  in  his  childlike  way.  I  think  this  was  the  origin  of 
his  suspecting  me  to  be  a  god,  a  harmless  fancy  which  I 
encouraged.  From  this  moment,  at  least,  dated  our  un- 
common affection.  He  would  sit  on  my  rock  for  hours  to- 
gether teaching  me  language,  while  I  lay  on  my  back  inside 
my  den,  for  I  could  not  sit  upright.  He  was  a  man  of 
exceeding  sternness  of  character  toward  his  wives  and  ene- 
mies, but  trusting  and  devoted  as  a  camel  to  those  who  won 
his  confidence. 

As  soon  as  I  could  trust  my  powers  of  speech  in  the  ver- 
nacular I  carried  out  an  important  and  daring  design  that 
had  formed  in  my  brain.  I  invited  His  Highness  to  con- 
duct me  to  the  most  solemn  place  in  his  dominion,  saying 
that  I  had  weighty  matters  on  which  to  converse  with  him 
in  the  deepest  privacy.  Thereupon  at  his  orders  a  huge 
leathern  gong  was  rung  in  the  central  part  of  the  metropolis, 
which  caused  all  the  inhabitants  to  gather  about  two  trees 
of  colossal  hight,  connected  near  their  tops  by  what  ap- 
peared from  the  distance  of  the  earth  to  be  a  rope.  I  had 
often  noticed  the  natives  display  a  curious  ceremony  at  the 
foot  of  these  monstrous  growths,  for  which  I  could  divine 
no  natural  reason.  At  the  base  of  each  and  circling  it  was 
a  trench  two  feet  wide  and  equally  deep,  filled  with  ordin-ary 
dust.  Into  this  once  each  day  every  inhabitant  plunged  his 
head  down  to  the  shoulders  and  held  it  there  vertically  for 
some  time,  with  the  dust  gathered  about  him  so  that  nothing 
of  his  head  or  neck  was  visible.    When  he  could  no  longer 


THE  RINYOS 


13 


endure  the  situation,  dirty,  pallid,  snorting  and  nearly  dead 
for  want  of  breath,  he  emerged.  This,  I  subsequently 
learned,  was  one  of  their  pro^oundest  religious  ceremonies. 
It  was  an  act  of  spiritual  purification  secured  through  in- 
timate veneration  of  the  sacred  trees.  The  dust  was  never 
changed,  since  its  potency  was  believed  to  increase  with  the 
number  of  purifications  accomplished  in  it. 

This  dust,  as  I  later  learned,  was  symbolic  of  ashes,  which 
they  thought  to  be  man's  spirit,  because  ashes  remained 
when  the  body  was  burned.  They  imagined  these  ashes  to 
be  all-powerful,  and  always  carried  those  of  their  ancestors 
in  a  bag  about  their  necks ;  and  a  pinch  of  them  was  their 
chief  medicine  when  sick.  They  kept  the  ashes  of  their 
divers  forbears  separate  in  little  bags,  and  when  they  needed 
the  virtue  that  had  distinguished  one  of  the  de^d  they  se- 
lected it  from  the  appropriate  ash  bag — as  when  one  was 
about  to  make  la  speech  he  swallowed  a  few  grains  of  some 
departed  orator  in  his  family.  When  a  man  had  consumed 
all  the  ashes  of  his  deceased  kin,,  it  had  been  formerly  the 
rule  for  him  to  offer  himself  for  death  as  being  drained  of 
virtue,  but  this  practice  happily  gave  place  to  using  dust 
symbolically  as  they  advanced  in  enlightenment.  The  King 
had  granted  a  monopoly  of  dust  to  the  masters  of  the  idols, 
who  magically  converted  the  dust  into  the  ashes  or  spirits 
of  the  deceased  as  desired,  and  sold  them  to  the  people  for 
a  great  revenue. 

The  connection  of  trees  with  this  remarkable  rite  was  at 
first  obscure,  but  I  learned  that  as  trees  grew  out  of  dust 
and  were  reduced  to  ashes  by  fire,  they  seemed  to  the  native 
to  doubly  possess  the  essence  of  men.  It  was  believed  that 
all  whose  bones  were  not  burned  entered  into  the  trees  and 
were  concealed  there,  wherefore  they  worshipped  the  large 
trees  as  containing  the  greatest  number  of  their  friends. 
The  growth  of  trees,  according  to  them,  was  due  to  the 
death  of  human  beings,  so  that  when  they  wished  their 


14 


THE    HORROBOOS 


trees  to  grow  they  went  out  and  slew  some  of  the  neighbor- 
ing tribes.  The  bones  of  the  slain  were  left  unburned.  They 
were  more  enlightened  than  I  expected  to  find  them  on  one 
point,  for  they  regarded  all  the  dead  as  equally  friendly  to 
them,  whether  of  their  own  people  or  of  a  hostile  race.  A 
very  important  reason  came  later  to  light  why  these  warlike 
excursions  were  necessarily  very  frequent  and  pious,  con- 
stituting in  fact  the  first  principle  of  their  religion.  As 
some  of  the  tribes  thereabouts  believed  neither  in  dust  nor 
ashes  and  even  had  an  atheistical  leaning  toward  water,  it 
appeared  to  the  Rinyos  that  the  surest  way  to  convert  them 
was  to  burn  the  members  of  a  few  of  their  prominent  fam- 
ilies. But  the  common  multitude  of  the  conquered  were  not 
given  to  the  fire  after  their  slaughter;  their  flesh  was 
stripped  off  and  dried,  which  then  made  the  regular  staple 
of  the  Rinyo  eating  while  it  lasted.  And  as  often  as  the 
food  became  precarious,  so  often  was  there  a  revival  of  re- 
ligion among  the  Rinyos,  and  they  went  out  to  spread  it 
among  their  neighbors. 

CHAPTER  III 
King  Milto 

When  the  people  were  assembled  the  King  led  me  to  the 
slimmer  of  the  two  trees.  It  was  of  such  girth  that  my  arms, 
being  extended  to  embrace  it,  were  almost  straight.  Point- 
ing upward  he  explained  that  we  were  to  ascend  'and  trans- 
fer ourselves,  hanging  by  our  hands,  across  the  vine  rope 
to  the  second  tree,  in  whose  soaring  branches  I  perceived 
a  curious  basin-shaped  structure  resembling  a  huge  um- 
brella opened  with  the  concave  upwards  about  the  trunk. 

"There,"  beamed  the  King,  "is  the  sacred  spot  you  desire 
to  visit." 

As  I  gazed  limply  into  the  air  he  graciously  remarked  that 


KING  MILTO 


15 


none  but  warriors  in  whose  royal  arteries  flowed  the  divine 
blood  of  many  kings  had  ever  succeeded  in  making  the  as- 
cension. I  saw  that  I  must  follow  him  aloft  tranquilly  or 
grace  the  public  sideboard  of  the  nation  that  evening,  and 
I  signaled  him  to  lead  on,  designing  to  notice  how  he  did  it 
and  snatch  a  second  for  meditation.  He  mounted  with 
evident  struggle  in  spite  of  his  wealth  of  massive  steel-knit 
sinews.  When  he  was  about  half  way  up  I  called  out  that 
he  had  neglected  a  matter  of  vital  moment  and  requested 
him  to  descend  for  its  kingly  consideration.  Upon  his  doing 
so  I  discreetly  intimated  that  it  was  unbecoming  in  a  person 
of  his  quality  to  betray  the  preposterous  strain  he  had 
exhibited  before  the  jealous  eyes  of  his  people,  and  desired 
him  to  command  the  inhabitants  to  prostrate  themselves 
with  their  faces  in  the  earth.  Being  impressed  by  my 
words  and  having  issued  the  order  he  mounted  again,  but 
with  greatly  abated  vigor.  When  he  had  arrived  at  nearly 
the  previous  altitude  I  once  more  hailed  him,  announcing 
that  I  had  forgotten  some  necessary  elements  of  our  con- 
ference which  must  be  carried  to  the  sacred  fane.  Having 
redescended,  by  this  time  badly  winded  and  heaving  vio- 
lently, I  told  him  that  I  should  need  two  stones  of  certain 
dimensions  for  the  lucid  communication  of  my  thought,  and 
while  he  puffed  I  sought  out  two  rocks  of  great  solidity 
weighing  about  fifty  pounds  each,  for  the  purpose  of  bind- 
ing them  about  us  for  transit  to  the  umbrageous  shrine. 
Wilted  and  dripping  with  sweat  as  he  was,  he  looked  rue- 
fully at  the  heavy  mass  I  appointed  to  him,  but  submitted 
meekly  while  I  fastened  it  in  a  large  skin  to  his  back,  and 
accepted  my  orders  to  clamber  first. 

After  gaining  the  lofty  observatory  he  was  to  throw 
down  the  pelt  for  my  use. 

The  poor  monarch  began  the  task  once  more,  but,  from 
fatigue  and  the  ponderous  weight  swung  on  his  neck,  was 
this  time  unable  to  rise  more  than  a  quarter  of  the  journey. 


l6  THE    HORROBOOS 

when  he  came  slipping  back  scarlet  with  shame,  confusion 
and  rage  over  his  weakness.  It  was  well  for  him  that  the 
tribe  could  not  witness  his  humiliation  or  they  might  have 
resented  his  failure  as  a  manifest  exhaustion  of  kingly 
abilities  and  clamored  for  a  competent  chief.  I  rather  re- 
gretted that  I  had  plunged  their  noses  into  the  public  do- 
main, for  they  might  have  elected  me  king.  But  one  can- 
not foresee  everything  when  trembling  under  death's  auc- 
tion hammer.  And  what  if,  after  the  vote,  they  had 
demanded  a  fulfilment  of  my  election  pledges  by  calling 
upon  me  to  prove  my  kingly  powers  by  achieving  this  very 
spectacular  climb  ?  Where  every  citizen  is  worth  his  weight 
in  melenite  it  is  best  to  tread  softly  and  aspire  lowly.  If  I 
am  to  practise  tyranny  I  object  to  so  many  explosives  in 
my  worshippers.  I  rather  they  would  have  more  clay  and 
less  enterprise  in  their  composition,  and  I  would  sooner  any 
day  be  the  absolute  president  of  ninety  million  civilized  lead 
men  than  run  a  unanimous  despotism  over  nine  thousand 
cases  of  primitive  hysteria.  It  calls  for  a  supreme  hysteric 
to  govern  this  field  of  originality,  and  only  a  supreme 
dimension  of  human  lead  in  the  other.  I  concluded  to  let 
Milto  reign  a  while  longer.  He  seemed  convinced  that  it 
would  be  an  artless  frolic  for  me  to  accomplish  the  feat 
that  had  balked  him,  whence  his  respect  for  me  expanded 
amazingly.  Calling  him  a  girl  and  displaying  such  pity  and 
contempt  as  the  occasion  demanded  to  invigorate  his  awe 
of  my  attributes,  I  informed  him  that  the  next  less  sacred 
place  he  had  would  do  for  our  meeting,  provided  it  was  on 
the  ground.  This  he  interpreted  as  a  further  scathing  re- 
buke and  he  led  the  way,  with  head  hanging,  to  a  grotto  in 
the  mountain  side,  leaving  the  community  forgotten,  flat 
on  their  bellies  and  foreheads.  The  spacious  cavern  to 
which  he  brought  me  contained  an  aggregation  of  seats  of 
sundry  shapes,  nicely  constructed  of  human  bones ;  and  on 
one  of  these  pleasant  memories  my  companion  hospitably 


KING  MILTO  J- 

motioned  me  to  sit,  which  I  did  with  a  certain  tinge  of 
loathing.  I  then  declared  my  message,  beginning  with  these 
words  as  nearly  as  I  can  remember : 

"Oh,^  King,  awful  depository  of  posthumous  astonish- 
ments," for  I  was  a  devout  evolutionist.  I  then  explained 
that  I  was  the  ambassador  from  a  new  deity  named  Buzz- 
rack,  to  reveal  gifts  that  this  god  had  secreted  in  various 
places  in  the  Rinyo  territory,  one  of  which  was  to  be  brought 
to  light  every  moon  with  the  assistance  of  the  two  stones. 
I  found  that  these  articles  operated  forcibly  on  the  great 
potentate's  superstition.  In  return  for  the  celestial  presents, 
upon  whose  wonders  I  expatiated  glowingly,  I  informed 
His  Majesty  that  Buzzrack  desired  some  yellow  sand  that 
was  scattered  about  his  domain,  and  which  at  the  end  of 
twelve  moons  I  was  to  carry  home  to  the  god. 

King  Milto  listened  rapturously  to  these  allurements,  as 
I  had  expected  he  would,  promising  volubly  to  convert' all 
his  people  to  this  generous  divinity  and  entreating  me  to 
bring  forth  the  first  treasure  without  loss  of  time.  " 

"There  is  one  matter  I  had  nearly  forgotten,"  said  I 
speaking  of  course  in  his  language.  "If  anything  should 
happen  to  me  while  I  am  in  your  midst  you  will  lose  these 
wonderful  presents,  because  I  alone  know  where  they  are. 
The  wrath  of  Buzzrack  will  give  your  tribe  no  peace  after- 
wards and  he  will  cause  you  to  be  exterminated  by  your 
enemies." 

I  know  not  whether  the  great  Milto  was  more  agitated  by 
cupidity  or  by  his  pious  fears,  but  he  instantly  promulgated 
the  decrees  I  desired.  He  went  so  far  as  to  proclaim  that 
I  was  a  blood  relation  of  the  god  I  represented,  or  his  pri- 
vate secretary,  or  some  fearful  functionary  or  other  from 
the  clouds.  He  declared  that  if  any  brother  did  me  the 
slightest  harm  his  whole  family  should  be  baked  alive  for 
a  public  breakfast  and  the  perpetrator  himself  reduced  to 
a  vegetarian  for  one  year  before  death,    a    penalty    most 


i8  THE    HORROBOOS 

dreaded  by  these  pampered  pagans.  Feeling  now  reason- 
ably secure  I  notified  the  terrible  monarch  that  on  the  mor- 
row the  first  box  of  riches  would  be  revealed. 

The  King  immediately  dispatched  numerous  heralds  to 
summon  his  people  from  all  parts,  and  at  ten  in  the  morning 
his  whole  tribe,  having  assembled,  set  forth  in  grand  pro- 
cession. Two  superb  young  giants,  bearing  the  stones  that 
had  saved  my  life  the  day  before,  marched  in  front  under 
my  directions  toward  the  corner  of  the  empire  where  I  had 
made  the  first  interment.  From  time  to  time  with  great 
ceremony  I  ordered  them  to  deposit  the  stones  on  the 
ground  a  little  distance  apart  and  placing  my  head  between 
them  so  that  one  ear  rested  against  each,  listened  for  some 
minutes  with  an  impressive  display  of  awe.  I  was  pleased 
to  observe  that  this  solemn  maneuver  had  the  effect  of  con- 
vincing them  of  the  truth  of  the  new  religion  I  intended 
them  to  espouse. 

At  length  I  brought  the  multitude  to  a  halt  and  an- 
nounced that  we  were  within  the  sacred  circle  where  my 
deity  had  concealed  the  treasure,  and  that  only  myself,  the 
King  and  the  three  great  men  already  mentioned  might  ap- 
proach the  holiest  ground  without  certain  death.  The  five 
of  us  advanced,  I  bearing  a  peculiar  rod  in  my  hand  as  a 
conductor  of  magic.  "Dig,"  I  articulated  in  cavernous 
liturgical  tones  at  the  right  place,  taking  my  seat  in  a  com- 
manding posture  upon  the  sacred  stones.  They  did  so 
trembling  and  the  great  box  was  soon  uncovered,  to  the 
unspeakable  exultation  of  their  four  dignities,  who  pro- 
jected themselves  about  it  in  a  series  of  dances  and  contor- 
tions wonderful  and  terrifying  to  see.  Their  excitement 
became  so  violent  that  I  was  in  mortal  terror  lest  they 
should  utterly  lose  their  self-control  and  attack  me  in  the 
exuberance  of  their  religious  ecstasy,  but  it  appears  that  this 
is  their  usual  manner  of  showing  devotion  to  whatever  they 
like  and  that  they  forget  it  all  the  next  minute. 


KING  MILTO  19 

When  the  frenzy  had  subsided — and  in  a  twinkling  no 
traces  of  it  were  left,  so  that  I  doubted  if  I  had  not  been 
the  subject  of  an  optical  illusion — they  drew  the  precious 
article  out  of  the  earth  and  deposited  the  sacred  stones  on 
the  spot  where  it  had  lain,  upon  which  at  the  bottom  of  the 
hole  I  stood  for  a  few  minutes  with  my  arms  stretched  into 
the  air  and  an  indescribable  expression  upon  my  face.  Then 
I  ordered  them  to  shout  at  the  top  of  their  lungs  that  the 
deity  might  hear,  and  afterwards  to  lift  out  the  precious 
stones  and  fill  up  the  hole.  They  raised  the  box  on  their 
shoulders,  though  from  the  effects  of  their  prostrating  im- 
patience hardly  able  to  carry  it,  and  returned  to  the  multi- 
tude. I  requested  King  Milto  to  cause  a  stentorian  cry  to 
issue  from  the  entire  congregation,  to  rend  space  and  notify 
the  god  that  the  gift  was  received  and  appreciated,  since 
their  four  voices  might  not  have  penetrated  the  eternal 
mind.  After  this  declaration  of  gratitude  the  opulent  bulk 
was  shouldered  by  ten  colossi  and  the  whole  nation  headed 
for  its  capital. 

In  the  vast  public  field,  where  on  great  occasions  the  en- 
tire tribe  congregated,  the  festival  of  opening  the  box  was 
now  begun.  I  had  fastened  on  the  lid  firmly  with  screws, 
intending  to  preserve  the  packing-case  for  deporting  gold, 
and  producing  a  screw-driver  I  soon  had  the  cover  off.  The 
behavior  of  all  the  leading  men  of  the  commonwealth  at 
this  point  fascinated  my  attention.  Their  greed  for  the 
screws  was  so  keen  and  their  conduct  so  turbulent  that  I 
was  forced  to  appeal  to  the  majesty  of  the  throne  to  re- 
strain them  from  secreting  these  necessary  articles  about 
their  persons.  Even  the  King  was  burying  the  screw-driver 
in  his  hair  when  I  ordered  him  to  desist,  assuring  him  that 
he  should  have  no  more  supernal  delicacies  if  he  dared  to 
rob  me. 

It  would  require  a  genius  of  Homeric  brilliance  and  Dan- 
tean  accuracy  to  depict  the  hideous  scene  which  now  enacted 


20  THE    HORROBOOS 

itself,  and  as  the  ancient  delineators  of  greed  and  ghastliness 
are  dead  I  will  leave  it  to  your  imaginations  to  intensify 
every  sentence  that  I  now  utter,  with  befitting  emotions  ot 
horror.  When  I  drew  forth  the  first  glass  necklace  and  held 
it  above  my  head  to  the  astonished  gaze  of  all,  the  people 
were  wrought  up  into  a  bellowing  excitement  more  like  a 
raging  tempest  at  sea  viewed  from  an  oarless  skifiF  than  any- 
thing else  I  have  experienced.  They  roared  and  foamed, 
they  swayed  back  and  forth  like  a  lofty  edifice  about  to  fall 
before  a  hurricane;  all  the  passions  of  the  infernal  world 
screamed  through  their  dazzling  savage  teeth,  bursting 
forth  in  outrageous  inhuman  sounds  which  seethed,  sput- 
tered and  exploded  with  a  ponderous  din,  furiously  batter- 
ing the  shrinking  ear  with  their  horrible  hectoring  clangor. 
In  my  judgment,  at  the  time,  all  the  gold  in  Africa  would 
not  compensate  a  man  for  gazing  five  seconds  into  that 
awful  human  abyss.  I  never  again  could  believe  that  my 
fellowmen  were  anything  but  exaggerated  apes. 

The  scene  had  the  curious  eflFect  of  touching  my  religious 
susceptibilities.  I  asked  myself  what  I  could  do  to  elevate 
such  persons  morally,  wishing  to  leave  them  better  than  I 
had  found  them,  to  sow  some  seeds  of  spiritual  good  in 
their  shaly  souls.  It  must  not  surprise  you  that  my  re- 
ligious emotions  flourished  luxuriantly  in  their  proper 
sphere  of  my  nature,  removed  from  the  chilling  realities  of 
the  world.  Yet  how  was  it  possible  to  implant  a  sense  of 
the  true  God  in  the  sordid  jelly  of  avarice  composing  this 
nation?  Just  picture  it!  A  handful  of  gaudy  glass  made 
them  fiends !  Dignity,  decorum,  patriotism,  morality, 
religion,  family  affection,  were  all  alas  chased  helter-skelter 
out  of  their  immortal  souls  by  a  miserable  string  of  yellow 
shams.  If  the  beads  had  cost  something  I  could  have  un- 
derstood it.  I  was  justified  in  despairing  of  their  virtue 
and  I  doubted  if  civilization  or  prayer  could  soften  such 
cupidity.     Perhaps  if  I  could  have  shown  them  something 


KING  MILTO  21 

of  real  value,  a  dollar  in  gold  or  an  American  lady's  ideals, 
they  would  have  relapsed  into  pure  impersonal  protoplasm, 
which  if  you  think  of  it  is  nothing  but  unorganized  greed, 
but  I  had  taken  care  to  bring  nothing  so  incendiary  with  me. 
These  reflections  came  in  their  full  force  later.  At  that 
vivid  moment  I  was  cursing  the  lot  of  a  missionary  with 
my  whole  theology  and  preparing  to  die.  I  renounced 
riches  and  swore  to  live  a  consecrated  life  in  the  slums  of 
a  city  if  my  life  was  spared.  I  vowed  to  God  I  would  spend 
my  days  in  reasoning  affectionately  with  the  rich  on  the  sin 
of  luxury  and  foible  of  robbing  the  poor,  whenever  they 
did  me  the  honor  to  invite  me  to  their  homes.  Yet  I  felt 
reconciled  to  my  Creator,  and  deliriously  prepared  for  an 
immediate  encounter  with  Him  if  that  was  to  be  my  fate. 
In  short  I  was  rather  beside  myself,  as  the  bravest  man 
might  be  in  such  a  mess,  standing  there  the  lust  and  goal 
of  forty  thousand  wild  beasts.  I  don't  know  exactly  what 
I  did,  I  yelled,  that  I  remember,  from  infection,  I  suppose, 
not  fear,  and  stamped,  and  contrived  by  unconscious  cere- 
bration and  writhing  to  tear  every  garment  on  me  more  or 
less,  and  then,  in  a  wild  frenzy  of  cowardice,  leaped  upon 
the  shoulders  of  the  King  to  get  away  from  the  lunatic 
mob,  where  I  clasped  my  two  hands,  still  holding  the  abom- 
inable trinket,  into  His  Highness'  hair  for  balance  and 
steadying — and  that  unprecedented,  unpremeditated,  reflex, 
hysterical  act  saved  the  dynasty  and  me.  For  the  fools 
thought  I  was  crowning  their  King  with  some  new  and 
exalted  ceremony  from  the  celestials  who  had  made  me 
their  ambassador,  the  tempest  of  their  savage  cupidity  was 
for  a  moment  lulled,  and  that  instant  restored  the  wits  of 
the  King.  He  was  now  equal  to  the  emergency.  With  me 
still  on  his  head,  forgotten,  he  tore  up  and  down  the  crowd 
like  a  Medusa,  an  absolute  madman,  knocking  down  what- 
ever came  in  his  way,  whether  giants  or  girls,  so  that  in  a 
twinkling  all  the  inhabitants  of  the  kingdom,  in  a  panic  of 


22  THE   HORROBOOS 

fright,  were  fleeing  toward  the  horizon  while  he  drove  and 
beat  them  much  as  a  bull  tosses  lambs.  Having  quieted 
the  tribe,  His  Highness'  wrath  subsided  as  suddenly  as  it 
had  flamed  up.  As  we  strolled  back  to  the  box  he  frequently 
struck  his  regal  chest  in  exultation,  giving  forth  a  deafen- 
ing snort. 

"It  is  the  only  way  to  keep  order  in  a  kingdom  of  ac- 
cursed dogs  and  blighted  heathen,"  he  blustered.  "Cloven 
heads  are  a  specific  for  cloven  hoofs.  My  children  are  a 
people  with  rancorous  passions  and  venomous  aspirations ; 
all  of  them  want  everything  they  see;  they're  a  bilious 
crew,  devoid  of  reason  or  generosity;  avarice  is  their 
crowning  emotion  and  murder  their  pastime.  I  have  a 
higher  religion,  but  it  is  too  pure  for  them.  I  try  to 
teach  them  unselfishness  by  taking  the  best  of  everything 
for  myself,  that  they  may  learn  not  to  covet.  But  the  swine 
are  not  spiritual  and  they  can't  understand.  I  don't  think 
they'd  recognize  their  own  spirits  if  they  met  them  on  the 
street.  Ingratitude  consumes  them  and  they  despise  edu- 
cation, I  sometimes  think  I'll  resign  and  live  quietly  the 
rest  of  my  days  on  a  pension  in  an  oasis,  leaving  them  to 
tear  each  other's  bowels  out  in  peace.  Brute  force  alone 
sanctifies  them,  nothing  else,  and  thank  God  I  have  that 
gift  of  grace,  also." 

"You  ought  to  thank  me  and  God  for  saving  you  this 
time,"  exclaimed  I  with  considerable  heat,  "for  I  saw  how 
it  was  going  and  jumped  on  your  head  purposely  to  sup- 
press the  riot.  I  pity  your  brute  force  if  I  hadn't  done  so. 
Religion  and  reason  are  above  brute  force  always,  or  were 
this  time  at  any  rate.  The  herd  recognize  superior  beings 
instinctively  when  they  are  on  top." 

To  this  he  answered  nothing,  but  continued  to  heave  out 
his  breast  and  beat  it. 


KING  MILTO 


CHAPTEJR  IV 

The  Treasure  Is  Divided 

To  be  beforehand  of  another  insurrection  when  the  next 
beads  appeared,  Milto  ordered  the  population  to  form  in 
concentric  circles  about  us  and  to  stand  on  one  leg.    Who- 
ever disobeyed  this  rescript  even    for    the    fraction    of    a 
second  was  to  lose  his  share  of  the  gifts.     Statecraft  thus 
prevailed,  reminding  me  of  the  ways  of  the  cunning  rulers 
of  enlightened  republics.     Humility  now  fawned  upon  the 
heels  of  diabolical  disobedience,  and  the  multitude  became 
like  fawns,  their  will  engulfed  in  the  majestic  conceit  of 
one  genius.     When  they  could  no  longer  endure  the  strain 
upon  one  leg  they  hopped  into  the  air  and  came  down  on 
the  other.     The    King    meanwhile    sent    his    body    guard 
through  the  ranks  to  spy  out  the  fractious.     He  kept  his 
subjects  in  this  attitude  before  rescinding  his  order  until 
they  were  reduced  to  such  exhaustion  that  they  could  hard- 
ly stand,  still  less  sulk,  but  so  intense  was  the  ardor  of  all 
for  the  lovely  wonders  in  waiting  that  none  of  them  yielded 
to  the  temptation  to  rest  on  both  feet  or  sit  down,  not  even 
the  women  or  children.     Upon  my  hinting  surprise  at  this 
m  a  low  tone  at  the  ear  of  Royalty,  he  answered  whispering 
that  all  of  them  would  sooner   die   than    show    the    white 
feather  in  this  ordeal ;  that  it  was  in  fact  one  of  their  great 
periodic  examinations  of  character  and  knowledge,  which 
those  aspiring  to  respect,  as  well  as  those  pining  for  office 
either  about  his  person  or  that  of  the  idols,  were  obliged 
to  frequently  endure.    Those  who  failed  were  lost,  for  they 
died  of  shame  if  they  were  not  taken  off  secretly  by  their 
peers  before  they  had  time  to  do  so.    Their  system  of  edu- 
cation rested  on  these  examinations,  which  incited  them  to 
perseverance.     There  was  no  part    of    their    educational 
scheme  that  equally  encouraged  the  higher  qualities. 


24 


THE    HORROBOOS 


While  the  nation  was  thus  improving  itself,  the  King 
called  his  select  advisers  about  him,  all  of  whom  were  men 
of  such  advanced  age  that  they  were  unable  to  stand  up- 
right, but  were  obliged  to  creep.  It  was  one  of  the  excel- 
lent customs  of  the  tribe  to  reverence  these  helpless 
ancients,  whose  minds  were  even  more  decayed  than  their 
bodies,  as  superior  beings,  and  implicitly  to  obey  whatever 
the  Crown  decreed  after  counselling  with  them.  I  was  much 
edified  by  their  aspect.  Several  were  stone  blind,  others 
stone  deaf,  still  others  so  stricken  with  paralysis  of  the 
brain  that  they  could  remember  not  more  than  two  words 
of  their  language  and  were  obliged  to  repeat  these  over 
monotonously  to  express  such  ideas  as  they  had,  of  course 
conveying  no  meaning  or  sense  to  anyone.  I  counted  the 
number  of  times  that  one  of  them  in  a  speech  repeated  the 
word  meaning  in  their  language  money,  and  found  it  to  be 
nine  hundred  and  forty.  This  was  the  only  syllable  the 
poor  old  fellow  could  recall.  In  truth  among  the  whole  lot 
of  these  monuments  of  antiquity,  some  of  whom  were  at 
least  two  hundred  years  old,  owing  to  the  salubriousness 
of  the  climate,  the  simplicity  of  their  later  years,  and  a 
peculiar  article  of  diet,  none  that  I  could  perceive  had  more 
than  one  of  his  original  five  senses  left  and  quite  a  number 
were  not  even  so  gifted  as  to  have  retained  one. 

This  grave  assemblage  now  went  into  solemn  counsel  with 
the  King  as  to  the  just  disposition  of  the  contents  of  the 
box,  as  they  lay  spread  about  in  full  view.  The  will  and 
wisdom  of  the  tribe  were  supposed  to  express  themselves 
through  these  experienced  patriarchs.  He  who  proved  to 
be  the  most  eloquent  orator  rose  upon  his  hands  and  knees 
from  the  reclining  posture  and  delivered  the  remarkable 
address  to  which  I  have  already  referred  out  of  the  word 
money.  He  was  listened  to  with  profound  silence  and  re- 
spect by  all  who  could  hear.    His  speech  ended  only  when 


THE  TREASURE  IS  DIVIDED  25 

he  sank  into  a  complete  swoon  lasting  an  hour,  which  in 
that  tribe  passed  for  divine  approbation  of  the  sentiments 
uttered.  Nor  was  anything  done  to  restore  the  weary  sage 
to  animation,  for  he  was  supposed  to  be  holding  a  secluded 
and  intimate  communion  with  the  gods.  He  was  followed 
by  one  who  could  neither  see,  hear,  feel  nor  utter  a  sound, 
but  who,  in  a  sitting  position  propped  against  a  stump,  beat 
the  earth  in  front  of  him  most  vindictively  with  a  stick  for 
some  time.  All  those  in  whose  memory  survived  the  words 
necessary  to  do  so  then  gave  an  account  of  their  younger 
days,  which  had  made  the  sitting  interminable  had  they 
not  all  spoken  at  once,  most  of  them  supposing  they  were 
the  only  ones  addressing  the  meeting.  While  this  tran- 
spired a  venerable  statesman,  shrunken  till  in  many  places 
the  bones  had  worked  out  of  their  skinny  sheath  and  eco- 
nomical nature  had  withdrawn  the  kindly  cuticle  of  which 
they  had  no  further  need,  but  crowned  with  a  reverend 
head  several  spaces  larger  than  those  of  our  greatest  civ- 
ilized governors  and  savants,  which  gave  him  an  aspect  of 
intellectual  grandeur  quite  startling  and  horrible,  although 
powerless  to  lift  this  monstrous  cranium  from  the  soil, 
crawled  forward  feet  foremost  dragging  his  head  behind 
to  the  seat  of  His  Majesty  and  there  scrawled  in  the  earth 
the  extraordinary  figures  meaning  "sons,"  "sons-in-law," 
"grandsons,"  "great-grandsons,"  "nephews,"  all  with  very 
large  heads,  which,  by  the  supplicating  motions  of  his  gums 
and  eyelids,  occurring  in  rhythm,  was  plainly  a  request  for 
these  individuals  to  be  rewarded  by  the  King  suitably  to 
their  scintillating  merits.  The  faculties  of  the  rest  of  the 
Senate  being  past  use  they  had  now  all  been  heard  from 
and  the  King  arose. 

"These  sages  have  decided,"  said  he,  "that  as  father  and 
representative  of  my  people  I  shall  receive  half  of  the  loving 
god's  gift.  The  half  that  I  take  is  really  a  gift  to  your- 
selves, since  as  head  of  the  State  I  am  your  personification 


26  THE   HORROBOOS 

and  essence.  I  will  not  thank  you  for  what  you  present  to 
yourselves." 

"Yes !  Yes !  "  cried  such  of  the  old  chancellors  as  were 
able  to  speak,  and  the  orator  called  out  ''Money." 

"Very  good,"  said  the  King,  "then  it  is  a  vote." 

He  proceeded  to  select  everything  that  according  to  his 
taste  was  the  handsomest  of  the  lot,  until  he  had  far  ex- 
ceeded the  half.  His  people  being  now  sufficiently  worn 
out  and  subdued  from  standing  on  one  leg,  were  permitted 
to  resume  a  natural  posture,  whereon  most  of  them  col- 
lapsed at  full  length  upon  the  ground  in  utter  prostration. 
He  then  repeated  in  a  loud  voice  that  he  had  obeyed  the 
commands  of  the  old  men  concerning  the  divine  gift,  to 
which  they  all  assented  with  acclamatory  salvos. 

Turning  brazenly  to  me  he  requested  me  to  swear  an 
oath  that  such  had  been  the  heavenly  giver's  commands, 
and  to  test  the  rascal's  impudence  I  replied  that  he  like  all 
truly  sublime  potentates  and  politicians  was  able  to  read 
and  do  the  will  of  Heaven  by  perusing  his  own  self-interest. 
It  astonished  me  that  such  craven  popular  docility  followed 
upon  the  people's  tempestuous  graspingness  of  a  little  while 
before.  It  seemed  a  case  of  despotism  conducted  by  as- 
sassination from  the  throne — a  very  antique  state  of  dark- 
ness, which  had  been  altered  in  later  countries  to  assassina- 
tion of  the  throne.  Being  a  born  conservative,  it  is  better, 
said  I  to  myself,  that  half  a  nation  should  die  of  assassina- 
tion conducted  by  the  ruler  and  his  satellites,  than  that  one 
king  or  rich  man  should  perish  to  save  them,  and  in  no 
country  do  a  score  million  of  citizens  equal  in  value  one 
king  or  plutocrat. 

Shaking  off  these  reflections  I  edged  up  to  the  Royal 
Grandeur  to  ask  him  the  meaning  of  his  behavior. 

"Why,"  he  explained,  "if  these  brilliants  were  passed 
around  to  everybody  they  would  make  no  show  and  the 
people  would  not  feel  grand,  rich,  proud,  sublime,  luxurious 


THE  TREASURE  IS  DIVIDED  27 

and  pampered ;  but  if  I  take  the  best  and  keep  them  in  one 
mass  as  my  own,  to  enjoy  them  on  myself,  they  create  a 
magnificent  display,  every  poor  devil  in  the  tribe  feels  that 
he  owns  them  personally  through  me,  because  I  am  his 
monarch,  he  struts  and  purrs  like  a  true  slave  when  he  sees 
me  wearing  them,  and  learns  to  feel  as  if  they  were  on  him, 
who  never  owned  the  picture  of  a  jewel's  shadow ;  his  mind 
gives  him  more  bright  palpitations  than  all  these  realities 
distributed  could,  though  he  would  then  have  his  proper 
share;  he  is  happier  than  a  bird  all  wings  or  a  Rinyo  all 
stomach;  he  is  not  jealous  of  the  glories  that  beautify  his 
Prince,  but  would  perish  of  grief,  or  slaughter  his  peers 
from  malice  if  one  of  them  had  two  beads  to  his  one.  In 
a  word,  I  benevolently  take  these  things  to  save  my  be- 
loved children  from  themselves.  I  am  a  moderator  between 
their  hates,  which  is  the  true  function  of  a  great  and  mag- 
nanimous sovereign  who  is  above  earthly  passions  and 
foibles;  I  arbitrate  between  their  little  furies,  their  trivial 
bedlams,  their  creature  avarices,  their  carnal  animosities, 
their  factional  eruptions,  their  truculent  rebellions ;  I  let 
them  wear  out  their  deadly  propensities  on  each  other,  and 
step  in  at  the  funeral  of  the  fiercest  with  kindly  com- 
promises in  time  to  deter  the  survivors  from  renewing  the 
combat  and  destroying  the  Fabric  of  State.  I  am  inter- 
ested in  that  fabric  above  everything  and  am  placed  here 
on  earth  to  preserve  it.  They  must  have  something  to  fight, 
and  if  they  did  not  have  one  another  they  would  fight  me, 
than  which  for  the  welfare  of  Africa  I  would  rather  any- 
thing else  should  happen  and  that  all  my  subjects  should  per- 
ish. A  country  without  a  people  may  survive,  but  one  with- 
out a  State  has  but  a  short  time  to  live.  Government  is 
deeply  interested  in  everything  which,  even  through  the  me- 
dium of  some  temporary  uneasiness  like  the  slaughter  of  the 
population,  may  tend  finally  to  compose  the  minds  of  the 
subjects  and  to  conciliate  their  affections. 


28  THE    HORROBOOS 

"I  also  perform  the  function  of  sitting  like  a  heavenly 
orb  in  their  sky  and  radiating  ideas  of  goodness,  self- 
sacrifice,  mercy  and  contempt  of  all  things  vile  and  mer- 
cenary into  them,  ideals  which  could  never  germinate  spon- 
taneously in  the  flinty  plasm  of  their  sodden  souls.  For 
them  I  am  Goodness,  Justice,  Power,  Poison,  Punishment 
and  Love,  compounded  into  one  human  form,  which  they 
must  see  with  their  eyes  of  flesh  for  inspiration,  and  I 
don't  know  what  would  become  of  their  morals  if  they 
hadn't  me  for  an  example." 

Before  completing  his  remarks  he  paused  to  finish  adjust- 
ing the  tinsel  ornaments  upon  his  glistening  ebony  frame, 
a  work  in  which  he  had  been  ardently  engaged  while  speak- 
ing. He  drew  necklace  after  necklace  over  his  sceptred 
head,  until  his  great  neck  was  encircled  with  a  volume  of 
beaded  glass  more  than  a  foot  thick,  reaching  out  from  his 
ears  toward  his  distant  shoulder-tips ;  the  leglets  and  anklets 
he  strung  on  so  thick  and  effectively  from  hip  to  heel  that 
he  looked  as  if  he  were  clad  in  a  pair  of  dense  brass  trous- 
ers, while  he  made  his  bracelets  rattle  clear  up  to  the  arm- 
pits ;  the  earrings  which  were  of  all  lengths  from  one  to 
ten  inches  he  fastened  to  his  waistband  and  I  showed  him 
how  to  connect  the  breast-pins  to  these  short  clothes;  for 
the  attachment  of  tin  crowns  his  crisp  voluminously  tufted 
hair  gave  excellent  space,  so  that  without  crowding  he 
fastened  on  nine  of  them,  obtaining  something  of  the  ven- 
erable aspect  which  our  best  sculptors  have  imparted  to  the 
head  of  Jove ;  and  having  scrutinized  himself  for  some  time 
with  no  feigned  or  temperate  admiration  in  a  looking-glass 
from  the  box,  the  first  arrival  of  reflection  in  that  part  of 
the  world,  and  tantalizingly  postured  on  the  foppish  emi- 
nence of  the  backs  of  four  Rinyos  whom  he  made  to  kneel 
under  him,  he  took  up  his  cogitations  where  he  had  left 
them  and  said : 

"The  ideas  I  have  been  giving  you  are  the  judgment  of 


THE  TREASURE  IS  DIVIDED 


29 


my  old  men,  arrived  at  in  grand  conclave  after  a  sleep  of 
thirty-six  hours;  I  applied  the  vote  without  v^aking  them 
up  and  they  v^ere  unanimous.  Their  opinion  is  known  to 
be  the  will  of  Heaven,  and  if  any  person  makes  light  of 
that  he  becomes  an  outcast  and  forfeits  the  protection  of 
our  tribe;  we  express  the  situation  by  calling  him  a  wild 
beast,  for  it  is  the  duty  and  privilege  of  whoever  can  catch 
him  to  eat  him.  It  is  a  long  time  since  the  edict  of  the 
aged  was  questioned  by  a  heretic,  as  long  ago  as  my  Grand- 
father's death  and  my  Father's  coronation,  when  a  sedi- 
tious faction  of  the  tribe  refused  to  recognize  the  former 
as  dead,  albeit  the  old  men  had  pronounced  him  so  in  spite 
of  his  arguments  to  the  contrary.  My  Grandfather  then 
sided  with  the  inflammatory  mob  and  declared  himself  alive, 
a  great  mistake  of  his  because  it  countenanced  lawlessness, 
for  when  the  law  said  he  was  dead,  he  was  dead,  but 
Father  upheld  the  righteous  authority  of  the  primeval 
patriarchs,  taking  his  stand  on  the  incontestable  principle 
that  if  their  decree  was  doubted  once  there  would  never 
again  be  an  infallible  supreme  court.  They  took  up  arms 
and  fought  for  some  years,  and  Grandfather  fell  by  Father's 
hand,  and  thus  ended  his  dangerous  attempt  to  establish 
an  impious  and  unruly  innovation.  When  the  Ancients 
now  say  that  a  person  is  dead  he  is  the  first  to  agree  with 
them.  About  the  glorious  holiday  and  festive  hunt  we  have 
for  him  when  some  gay  prattling  youth  questions  the  utter- 
ance of  these  immortal  sages,  I  was  going  to  say — ^but  I'll 
tell  you  the  rest  some  other  time." 

He  broke  off  because  of  what  I  shall  now  relate. 


30  THE   HORROBOOS 

CHAPTER  V 
A  Magnificent  Carnage 

About  two-fifths  of  the  articles  remained  to  be  divided, 
whose  disposition  interested  me  deeply.  Casting  my  eyes 
around  I  saw  a  group  of  about  forty  men  standing  apart 
in  a  prominent  place  and  displaying  much  more  eagerness 
and  expectancy  than  the  rest.  Having  by  this  time  become 
somewhat  adept  in  the  internal  characteristics  of  the  popu- 
lation I  quickly  recognized  this  body  as  the  foremost  per- 
sonages of  the  realm,  after  the  King  himself.  There  were 
the  Chief  Priest  of  the  Idols  and  the  Chief  Medicine  Man, 
another  functionary  was  the  Preserver  of  Bones,  while  a 
fourth  was  already  known  to  me  as  the  High  Polisher  of 
Skulls ;  the  two  principal  Cooks  to  His  Majesty  were  also 
present,  one  being  Cook  Extraordinary  of  Foreigners,  the 
other  of  Home  Products,  for  various  culinary  arts  were 
applied  to  the  preparation  of  their  own  species  which  were 
not  accorded  to  remains  of  strange  extraction.  A  singular 
peculiarity  of  their  cooking  was  their  performance  of  it 
without  the  aid  of  fire,  to  their  stomachs  a  most  economical 
and  palatable  omission. 

About  ten  of  the  group  were  high  dignitaries  of  this  kind, 
of  one  other  of  whom  I  must  not  omit  special  mention, 
the  most  consequential  and  influential  of  all,  he  being  called 
the  Servant  of  the  King's  Feet.  His  function  was  to  wash 
these  extremities  of  his  royal  master,  which  he  did  by  lick- 
ing them  over  with  his  tongue,  water  being  regarded  by 
this  tribe  as  unholy.  He  had  been  appointed  to  this  dignity 
because  of  the  enormous  fluency  of  his  tongue,  which  made 
the  operation  very  speedy,  and  this  liquid  oratory  was  the 
chief  symptom  of  statesmanship  and  title  to  power  in  that 
liberal  democracy.  Next  to  him  in  place  and  authority  stood 
one  who  was  called  the  King's  Ear,  because  he  was  expected 


A  MAGNIFICENT  CARNAGE  31 

to  hear  and  convey  to  His  Sovereignty  vi^hatever  desires  or 
dangerous  discontents  the  people  entertained.  This  man, 
who  was  a  most  trusted  adviser  to  the  King,  was  required 
to  transact  his  business  with  great  punctuaHty,  Every 
night  after  the  King  had  fallen  asleep  he  was  to  relate 
the  desires  of  the  people,  while  the  dangerous  discontents 
if  he  heard  of  any  were  to  be  conveyed  at  once  to  the 
Domestic  Cook,  who  gave  immediate  attention  to  the  dis- 
order by  serving  up  the  dissatisfied  to  the  King  at  his  next 
meal.  Thus  a  marvelous  degree  of  internal  contentment 
was  preserved  by  this  great  leader  of  men,  with  little  visible 
friction  to  the  realm  and  no  carking  disturbance  of  his 
own  peace. 

Besides  the  ten  most  high  officials  there  were  thirty  in 
the  company  who  were  called  Guardians  of  the  Food.  One 
was  overlord  of  each  species  of  animal  hunted,  raised,  or 
trapped  by  the  nation,  including  foreign  and  domestic 
human  flesh,  and  one  presided  over  each  family  of  vege- 
tables and  herbs  on  which  they  fed.  These  celebrated  men 
were  the  safety-valves  or  balance-wheels  of  the  food  supply, 
keeping  the  market  steady.  When  a  citizen  brought  home 
game  from  the  hunt  or  killed  a  domestic  fowl  he  was 
obliged  to  carry  it  first  to  the  guardian  of  its  species  for 
judgment  defining  the  portion  of  the  carcass  the  slayer  was 
entitled  to  retain  without  endangering  the  public  equilib- 
rium. Likewise  if  a  citizen  dug  a  root  out  of  the  earth  he 
must  convey  it  to  its  guardian  for  an  honest  division.  The 
custom  was  for  the  guardian  to  allow  not  less  than  one- 
tenth  of  a  beast  to  its  catcher,  altho  precedent  was  here 
loose  and  elastic,  and  he  might  be  made  to  do  with  a  twen- 
tieth and  was  sometimes  compelled  to  go  and  catch  a  second 
beast  for  the  privilege  of  having  caught  the  first,  and  deliver 
them  both ; — the  amount  varied  with  a  mass  of  circum- 
stances and  considerations  which  the  guardians  had  in  their 
memory  and  the  rest  could  not  pry  into  without  crime. 


32 


THE   HORROBOOS 


If  they  questioned  the  acts  of  the  guardians  they  were 
hanged  as  anarchists.  The  nine-tenths,  or  whatever  the 
great  economic  law  of  the  guardian's  appetite  specified, 
that  dignitary  retained  for  his  own  family  and  his  favorites. 

The  arrangement  had  been  infinitely  satisfying  to  every- 
body :  the  tribesmen  were  kept  in  a  perpetual  motion  pro- 
ductive of  soothing  prostration,  as  constrained  to  be  ten 
times  more  active  in  order  to  live,  while  the  great,  likewise 
enjoying  ten  times  more  food  than  they  would  naturally 
have  had  except  for  this  wise  convention,  were  enabled  to 
be  ten  times  greater.  Their  splendor  also  co-operated  with 
that  of  the  King  to  dilate  the  feeling  of  reflected  personal 
magnificence  in  the  most  despicable  and  needy. 

Such  was  the  constitution  of  the  collection  of  men  who 
were  holding  themselves  apart  from  the  rest  with  a  bearing 
of  uncommon  poise  and  grandeur.  The  King  convoked 
his  decrepit  philosophers  a  second  time,  which  consisted 
of  sending  his  pages  around  to  wake  them  by  rapping  their 
heads  with  a  stick,  and  without  going  through  the  previous 
preliminary  of  stating  the  matter  to  them  he  announced 
their  conclusion  as  follows: 

"It  is  the  divination  of  this  most  honorable  congress  on 
earth  that  the  bountiful  giver  of  these  gifts  intended  our 
great  men  to  receive  half  of  what  remains,  that  the  dignity 
and  glory  of  the  kingdom  may  be  upheld  and  the  sublime 
services  of  the  great  to  the  common  people  partially  recom- 
pensed." 

The  pages,  who  were  doing  their  best  to  keep  the  ancients 
awake  by  pounding  them  on  the  head  with  thin  sticks 
anointed  by  the  King  for  that  use,  and  succeeding  very 
badly,  themselves  cried  "yes"  to  this  decree  of  the  King's, 
but  their  words  were  hardly  audible,  for  the  forty  illus- 
trious gentlemen  did  not  await  the  capping  of  the  ceremony 
but  rushed  forward  in  fierce  confusion,  tearing,  scratching 
and  kicking  right  and  left  as  they  ran,  each  trying  to  strike 


A  MAGNIFICENT  CARNAGE 


33 


his  neighbor  or  trip  him  down,  and  succeeding  so  well  that 
in  a  moment  the  entire  band  of  eminent  social  lights  was 
piled  up  in  a  ferocious  howling  heap,  reminding  one  of  a 
foot-ball  rout  conducted  by  professional  prize  fighters 
intensified  and  complicated  by  college  culture.  They 
writhed  indeed  like  a  mass  of  huge  passionate  snakes  in 
fiery  death  agony,  from  which  I  thought  none  could  emerge 
with  enough  of  himself  in  one  place  to  make  life  worth 
living. 

I  confess  that  I  tingled  slightly  at  this  spectacle,  and 
looked  askance  at  the  Many-Crowned  King  expecting  him 
to  interfere  to  save  the  lives  of  his  sweetest  subjects,  but 
to  my  consternation  he  was  gazing  on  the  gory  scene  with 
stolid  placidity,  engorging  the  dripping  tragedy,  as  it  seemed, 
with  the  voluptuous  urbanity  of  an  insatiable  connoisseur. 
A  sense  of  his  greatness  impregnated  me  as  I  stared  at 
him.  He  had  the  right  stuff  in  him  for  a  clergyman  or  a 
convict.  He  was  a  jocular  high  priest  of  this  bloody  gladi- 
atorial world;  and  he  could  tolerate  brutality,  the  first 
attribute  of  pure  culture.  His  sympathy  extended  to  all, 
to  the  murdered  as  well  as  to  the  murderers,  so  that  he 
was  modern  and  scientifically  chic  to  the  bone.  He  would 
have  made  a  respectable  president  if  our  professors  could 
have  had  him  to  file  off  the  edge  of  his  shrieks,  wash  him 
and  round  him  out.  Even  without  their  scrubbing  he  shone 
like  a  bright  placid  lonesome  frozen  star  in  the  lifted 
infinite  remoteness  of  indifference.  He  had  the  learned 
man's  broad  liberality  to  deeply  venerate  Whatever  Is,  and 
to  spend  his  whole  power  venerating  it.  We  need  more 
such.  The  forty  thousand  American  professors  are  too 
few  for  the  work.  They  cannot  venerate  as  much  as 
Whatever  Is  deserves.  More  are  needed  to  venerate  Decay 
at  its  full  worth. 

But  I  am  merely  human;  I  have  the  sensibilities  of  my 
kind.    I  am  not  built  to  observe  forty  men  butchering  one 


34 


THE   HORROBOOS 


another  in  a  heat  over  no  higher  object  than  a  few  pahry 
trinkets,  without  some  feehng,  besides  the  rehgion  I  have 
in  me,  and  I  was  moved  by  humanity  to  expostulate  with 
the  stony  ruler. 

"It  will  be  a  great  loss  to  your  realm  if  those  lordly 
luminaries  die?"  I  suggested  with  a  rising  inflection  of  the 
voice,  in  order  not  to  seem  impudent.  "Could  you  find  any 
to  take  their  places?  Genius  is  rare,  talent  painful  to 
mould,  considerable  economic  outlay  is  required  to  raise  up 
men  to  large  affairs,  African  trade  is  slack,  and  money 
scarce." 

I  thought  I  would  drive  home  the  sharpest  darts  at  once, 
and  goad  his  sensibilities  into  action  in  time  to  redeem  a 
few  of  his  first  people,  but  that  only  showed  how  little  I 
yet  knew  of  savage  souls  and  civics.  He  simply  looked 
queerer  than  I  had  ever  seen  him  and  pursed  out  his  luxur- 
iant lips  a  prodigious  distance  from  his  shimmering  teeth 
while  his  eyes  had  the  astounding  effect  of  glaring  and 
revolving  in  opposite  directions  violently. 

"What  are  you  doing  with  your  lips?"  I  asked  with  dig- 
nity, for  I  will  not  bear  everything  even  when  I  am  in  a 
minority. 

"Praying,"  said  he,  "that  the  ones  who  ought  to  conquer 
may  do  so." 

CHAPTER  VI 

The  Position  of  the  King's  Feet  in  the  Fabric 
OF  State- 

Then  he  relaxed  and  came  and  sat  down  on  one  corner 
of  the  box  in  a  brotherly  fashion,  beckoning  me  to  occupy 
ingly  and  conversed  amiably,  never  taking  his  eyes  off  the 
another,  while  he  threw  his  arm  over  my  shoulder  caress- 
ghastly  encounter. 


THE  KING'S  FEET 


35 


"Anybody  in  the  nation  could  do  what  these  men  do," 
he  said  in  a  confidential  tone,  "but  that  is  not  generally 
understood.  For  example  the  entire  tribe  suppose  that 
the  licking  of  my  feet  is  a  very  mysterious  and  difficult 
business  only  to  be  learned  with  vast  assiduity  and  whose 
virtue  lies  in  doing  it  a  certain  way,  and  for  the  matter  of 
that  the  washer  of  my  feet  believes  so  himself  and  plumes 
himself  as  a  most  recondite  and  scarce  phenomenon.  But 
indeed  it  makes  no  difference  at  all  how  it  is  done.  The 
intricacy  was  invented  to  muddle  and  awe  the  populace. 
For  that  purpose  the  mazy  art  was  slowly  grown  by  my 
forefathers  through  many  glorious  Kings.  The  feet  are 
mapped  out  into  a  multitude  of  spaces:  the  officer  is  re- 
quired to  lick  a  certain  number  of  times  in  a  certain  direc- 
tion on  a  certain  part,  then  to  alter  the  course  until  all 
the  varieties  of  liquefaction  have  been  applied;  for  each 
space  has  its  peculiar  set  of  directions  and  particular  num- 
ber of  licks.  I  only  remember  a  few  of  the  laws  myself, 
such  as  the  west  quarter  of  the  end  of  the  little  toe  on  the 
right  foot,  which  must  be  licked  thirty  and  a  half  times 
from  side  to  side,  while  the  end  of  the  other  little  toe 
receives  forty-seven  and  a  third  strokes  in  the  same  field 
up  and  down.  There  are  several  other  very  elaborate 
passes  on  both  of  these  sections  which  I  do  not  recollect. 
Each  foot  has  a  treatment  in  every  respect  diverse  from 
the  other,  whence  the  processes  are  excessively  toilsome 
to  master.  Of  the  right  foot  the  licker  is  permitted  to  take 
only  the  big  toe  completely  into  his  mouth,  whereas  if  he 
should  neglect  to  take  in  all  five  toes  of  the  left,  the  penalty 
is  death.  There  is  also  a  special  punishment  belonging  to 
every  kind  of  failure  in  this  office,  although  the  death 
sentence  applies  to  several  of  them.  Should  he  touch  the 
tip  of  his  tongue  to  the  wrong  ankle  his  tongue  is  cut  out." 

"If  you  don't  know  the  rules  yourself  how  do  you  know 
when  he  goes  wrong?"  I  demanded.  "It  seems  to  me  you 
are  likely  to  take  an  innocent  life." 


36  THE   HORROBOOS 

"We  have  a  Trainer  to  inspect  the  Feet  Washer,"  an- 
swered King  Milto  with  much  satisfaction,  "and  he  stands 
by  whenever  the  ceremony  is  performed.  These  two  men 
are  dreadful  enemies,  as  well  as  their  families  to  the  dis- 
tance of  fifth  cousins.  The  feud  cuts  into  the  very  flesh 
of  the  tribe,  and  the  principals  think  each  other  congenital 
imbeciles.  I  don't  understand  this  for  I  can  see  no  differ- 
ence in  them.  When  the  trainer  says  the  licker  has  blun- 
dered the  licker  denies  it  and  denounces  the  trainer  as  a 
hopelessly  corrupt  noodle  and  knave.  They  compose  the 
delicate  dispute  by  fighting,  when  to  the  defeated  one  is 
administered  the  penalty.  If  neither  whips  I  decide  it  any 
way  that  comes  into  my  head  and  they  think  I'm  infallible. 
If  I  say  the  great  toe  nail  has  been  licked  seventeen  times 
to  the  right  from  the  earliest  antiquity,  altho  it  was  only 
seven  times,  they  lawfully  believe  me  against  their  own 
certainty." 

"You  must  dispose  of  a  good  many  leading  citizens  in 
the  course  of  a  lustrum." 

"We  generally  average  four  'King's  Feet,'  as  we  briefly 
call  the  washers,  and  the  same  number  of  trainers  every 
moon.  It  is  part  of  our  living  and  it  keeps  down  the  popu- 
lation." 

'T  should  think  you  would  find  it  pretty  hard  to  induce 
anyone  to  serve  in  the  position,"  I  exclaimed,  grievously 
shocked. 

The  King  laughed  all  over,  causing  the  shell  bracelets 
about  his  knees  and  elbows  to  jingle  like  sleighbells. 

"Hook!  Hook!  Hook!"  chucked  His  Majesty,  when 
the  convulsions  of  his  system  had  abated,  "every  man  and 
child  in  the  kingdom  is  in  training  for  it  and  would  give 
his  head  just  to  hold  the  place  one  day  so  that  it  could  be 
said  in  his  family  after  he  was  dead  that  he  had  been 
officer  of  the  feet.  If  I  didn't  hinder  by  making  learning 
the  rules  of  licking  so  prodigiously  hard  every  grown  per- 


THE  KING'S  FEET 

son  in  the  nation  would  come  forward  and  beg  for  the 
honor,  tho  he  knew  he  was  to  die  for  it  in  twenty-four 
hours.     The  country  would  be  depopulated." 
^^_^'They  must  be  uncommon  fools;  how  do  you  prevent 

"We  make  them  learn  the  table  of  rules  perfectly  from 
begmnmg  to  end  and  backwards  before  they  can  apply 
our  exammations  are  days  of  inimitable  pleasure  on  the 
crimson  canvass  of  average  existence  here." 
_  "Do  you  mean  to  say  that  everybody  in  the  tribe  is  study- 
ing to  learn  how  to  lick  your  feet  according  to  your  ridicu- 
lous made-up  system,  which  you  admit  amounts  to  nothin- 
anyhow?'  I  sneered  incredulously,  quite  forgettino-  the 
respect  due  his  Illustrious  Essence. 

"Precisely;  why  not?  You  wouldn't  have  people  grow 
up  uneducated  and  idle  would  you?" 

Stunned  and  staggered  I  could  simply  say  that  I  had 
thought  domg  useless  things  the  worst  kind  of  idleness, 
and  ask  what  he  meant,  which  he  blandly  elucidated,  with 
irrelevant  flourishes  of  his  fists  in  my  vicinity  with  barbaric 
gusto. 

"You  see   the  office  of  licking  m.y  feet  being  the  highest 
withm  reach  of  my  people,  it  is  the  just  and  lofty  ambition 
of  everyone,  down  even  to  the  sewer-cleaners,  bankers  and 
tramps,  to  attam  to  it  before  he  dies.     Having  arrived  at 
his  dizzy  summit  there  is  nothing  left  for  him  to  Ion-  or 
live  for,  the  goal  is  reached,  his  solid  fame  is  immortal 
and  secure.    Nor  does  he  gather  brighter  luster  by  holding 
It  two  months  than  by  wearing  it  one  day:  the  glory  resided 
m  the  office,  by  no  means  in  the  period  or  conduct  of  any 
one  therein^    I  make  it  so.     Were  I  to  announce  that  I 
had  elevated  my  Flesh-Scraper  (the  lowest  and  most  de- 
spised outcast  in  the  realm,  because  he  is  relegated  to  the 
performance  of  the  most  useful  service)  into  Grand  Vizier 
Of  my  Toes,  and  were  then  to  kill  him  instantly,  having 


38  THE    HORROBOOS 

suffered  him  to  apply  his  fleeting  tongue  to  my  pedal 
extremities  only  once,  he  would  be  revered  as  highly,  as 
long  remembered,  and  as  passionately  sung  of  as  those 
who  have  transacted  the  business  a  hundred  times  accurately 
in  the  midst  of  domestic  assassins  and  foreign  complications, 
and  who  have  repeatedly  rescued  my  Functions  of  State 
from  contamination.  It  brings  out  a  child's  moral  char- 
acter to  fix  his  eye  early  on  great  things,  does  it  not? 
I  fix  the  nation's  eyes  on  my  Feet.  I  think  it  is  this  cer- 
tainty that  anyone  with  a  flowing  tongue,  polymorphous 
memory,  pickpocket's  luck,  and  plush  principles  may  lick 
my  feet  sometime  if  he  lives,  that  keeps  alive  the  conscience 
of  the  race  and  makes  us  spare  the  children  of  our  con- 
quered foes  to  grow  up  and  be  conquered  and  eaten  later. 
I  don't  allow  any  of  them  to  hang  on  to  the  high  place 
longer  than  two  moons.  The  labor  of  licking  is  very  try- 
ing to  the  weak,  they  grow  slim  and  are  ugly  to  look  upon 
afterwards ;  the  strong  wax  so  tough  with  the  exercise 
and  ecstasy  that  they  are  not  fit  to  eat  and  hence  never 
assimilate  properly  with  their  countrymen  again;  and  all 
get  the  feet-licking  habit  so  firmly  rooted  that  thenceforth 
they  go  about  in  the  street  with  their  tongues  out  going 
through  the  motions,  and  in  fact  licking  everything  they 
come  to,  from  the  newspaper  editors  to  the  lampposts.  I 
dislike  this  because  it  vulgarizes  sacred  things. 

"One  day,  I  may  remark  in  confidence,  would  satisfy 
the  majority,  for  there  is  no  pleasure  in  the  office  itself 
I  can  tell  you.  I  get  about  half  my  fun  out  of  those  fellows. 
While  one  is  licking  my  heel  I  jab  my  toe  into  his  eye  or 
knock  his  teeth  down  his  throat  according  as  I  happen  to 
feel  at  the  time;  they  never  issue  from  their  term  of  office 
with  any  hair,  for  I  take  care  to  pull  it  out ;  you  noticed 
that  a  number  of  these  antiquated  members  of  my  Cabinet 
had  no  eyes  in  their  sockets,  I  presume — well,  I  playfully 
gouged  them  out.     The  Council  is  entirely  composed  of 


THE  KING'S  FEET  39 

survivors  of  attendance  on  my  feet,  and  those  antediluvian 
relics  are  not  all  of  them  so  ancient  as  they  look.  Do  you 
see  that  gibbering  dignitary  who  seems  to  be  a  hundred  and 
ninety?  He's  only  in  his  forty-seventh  year,  he  was  stal- 
wart and  hale  when  he  ascended  to  the  trust  of  Licking 
two  years  ago,  in  two  months  he  was  in  about  the  condition 
you  now  see,  and  I  retired  him.  I  don't  think  he  has  aged 
much  since,  I'm  very  proud  of  him,  I  expect  he'll  keep  a 
few  years  longer  and  look  four  hundred  in  his  latter  days. 
He  is  one  of  the  wisest  in  the  pack  too,  for  he  is  completely 
mad.  I  go  by  his  opinion  when  I  daren't  trust  some  of  the 
livelier  sparks." 

"Is  that  what  your  education  culminates  in?"  I  asked 
with  a  fervid  inclination  to  try  the  treatment  of  knocking 
him  down. 

"Oh,  yes,  I  was  telling  you  something  about  that,  wasn't 
I?  Well,  in  order  to  prevent  them  from  being  ready  for 
the  eminent  station  of  licking  all  at  the  same  time,  which 
of  course  they  are  all  fitted  for  by  nature  and  predilection 
without  study  if  I  chose  to  divulge  it,  entrance  thereinto  is 
made  famously  complicated  that  it  may  take  about  thirty 
years  to  master  its  tangled  singularities,  and  a  man  has  to 
have  a  first-class  mind  to  do  it  in  that  time.  As  this  is  the 
crowning  glory  of  a  human  career  and  the  aim  universal 
in  my  realm,  preparation  for  it  makes  men  ready  for  every 
inferior  duty  in  the  tribe,  so  that  we  never  have  difficulty 
in  selecting  those  best  suited  for  our  multifarious  posts." 

"Do  you  pick  your  chief  cooks  and  head  hunters  and 
generals  in  that  way?" 

"Yes,  and  our  guardians  of  the  food  also.  We  find  those 
who  have  taken  the  longest  course  in  the  licking  science 
to  be  superlatively  prepared  for  all  public  service.  Con- 
scientious fidelity  to  the  highest  ideal  is  the  parent  of  all 
kinds  of  aptitude.  These  gentlemen  that  you  see  there 
tumbling  over  and  tearing  one  another  up   into  morbid 


40  THE  HORROBOOS 

anatomy  are  those  who  have  mastered  all  the  intricacies  of 
licking,  taken  the  highest  degree,  you  might  say,  and  are 
chafing  for  the  present  incumbent  to  die.  Training  in  the 
twelve  thousand  motions  of  the  tongue  and  the  twelve 
thousand  acts  of  memory,  the  accordant  postures  of  the 
neck,  backbone  and  knees,  and  the  versatile  condition  of 
mind,  has  been  found  to  shape  a  man  for  success  in  every- 
thing that  has  to  be  done  in  a  commonwealth.  You  saw 
a  party  of  our  young  braves  climbing  after  nuts  the  other 
day :  that  is  one  of  our  skilled  industries,  and  the  climbers 
are  appointed  on  the  same  principle,  only  from  the  lower 
grades,  not  yet  having  qualified  in  the  advanced  lubrications 
and  oratories  of  state-craft.  They  can  climb  trees  which 
the  uneducated  can't  touch.  Their  backs  are  supple  and 
their  knees  twine  around  everywhere,  while  for  hanging 
on  to  whatever  they  get  hold  of  they  simply  excel  monkeys. 
We  find  too  that  the  constant  use  of  the  tongue  is  making 
that  member  grow  longer  and  more  useful  every  year,  and 
we  believe  it  is  to  become  a  sixth  sense  and  a  third  arm 
to  supply  the  lack  of  the  tail  which  man  through  some 
accident  has  lost." 

"By  George !"  cried  I,  "I  had  noticed  how  long  the  tongues 
of  your  tribe  are  without  suspecting  the  reason  of  it,  and 
I  had  mentally  named  you  The  Long-Tongues." 

"Very  good,"  answered  Milto,  pleased,  "if  you  remain 
with  us  a  year  you  will  see  a  still  greater  outcrop  of  that 
instrument,  and  can  supply  a  full  report  of  the  science  of 
Feet-Licking  to  your  Master,  which  may  enlighten  him. 
You  have  struck  the  keynote  of  our  existence.  We  have 
an  ideal  toward  which  we  faithfully  strive  and  when  our 
tongues  are  a  foot  long  we  shall  begin  to  realize  it:  we 
desire  to  live  exactly  as  we  please  and  to  believe  that  we 
are  living  entirely  as  we  ought.  Our  philosophers  by  look- 
ing steadily  at  the  heavens  with  their  empty  sockets  have 
made  the  prodigious  discovery  that  the  higher  civilization 


THE  KING'S  FEET 


41 


from  certain  inhabited  stars  passes  from  thence  to  us,  and 
the  pith  of  the  great  celestial  doctrine  they  have  caught 
and  interpreted  is  that  if  men  can  believe  right  they  are 
right,  tho  they  do  wrong.    Mere  doing  is  nothing,  but  feel- 
ing and  believing  are  the  whole  matter.     For  instance,  we 
have  a  moral  prejudice  against  eating  our  mothers,  but  we 
find   this    fallacy   is   corrected   by   cultivating   the   opinion 
that  we  are  not  eating  them  when  we  are  doing  so.    Noth- 
ing assists  us  to  eradicate  such  errors  more  than  a  colleague 
with  a  great  tongue  standing  in  the  hall  during  the  meal 
and  repeating  rapidly  and  loudly  while  swinging  his  arms 
and  making   faces   that   we  are  not  eating  our  mothers. 
After  a  few  performances  the  new  opinion  is  fixed  and  we 
can  let  him  apply  his  tongue  to  the  correction  of  our  other 
faults.     We   sometimes   stain  the  speaker's  tongue  black 
and  paint  his  skin  fiery  red  to  convince  the  people  that  he 
is  inspired, — a  great  aid  to  conscience  and  digestion,  you 
can  relish  your  parents  a  third  more.     Of  course  if  the 
tongue  were  two  or  three  feet  long  it  would  wield  irre- 
sistible persuasion  and  a  number  of  them  swung  in  unison 
and  falling  upon  the  ears  of  the  people  would  be  excellent 
weapons    of    conviction.      Incomparable    invention!      To 
achieve  this  mighty  force  all  the  energies  of  our  tribe  are 
centered  in  licking.     In  the  sublime  future  every  desire  of 
our  hearts  will  be  satisfied  through  the  perfection  of  this 
function,  and  we  shall  glory  in  our  conquest  of  ignorance. 
If  I  should  lose  my  feet  and  retard  the  practice  of  licking 
we  should  have  some  terribly  dark  ages." 

He  was  radiant  and  I  mused. 

"All  is  clear,  save  one  thing,"  I  said.  "I  have  no  doubt 
the  philosophers  can  see  what  goes  on  in  the  stars,  but  can 
they  hear  the  orators?" 

"Easily,"  Milto  rejoined,  with  the  motion  of  rolling  up 
his  bracelets  for  serious  consideration.  "They  first  break 
their  ear-drums,— the  stone  deaf  not  needing  to  do  so— 


42 


THE   HORROBOOS 


then  they  listen:  being  disembarrassed  of  outward  confu- 
sions the  subtler  impressions  from  the  universe  are  regis- 
tered within,  they  can  plainly  hear  the  stellar  orators  and 
a  great  number  of  other  infinite  processes  concealed  from 
common  sense.  They  claim  they  can  hear  the  Almighty 
think,  and  why  not  if  they  first  void  their  minds  of  all 
feelings  and  thoughts?  Our  chief  search  aims  to  penetrate 
the  Almighty's  thinking,  and  all  our  licking  has  no  ultimate 
purpose  but  understanding  that.  There  is  piety  in  all 
things  if  they  are  looked  at  with  extracted  eyes." 


CHAPTER  VII 
The  Trainers  of  Licking 

I  profess  I  was  coming  to  feel  a  quiet  reverence  for  the 
common  sense  and  quaint  goodness  of  this  people  whom 
I  had  formerly  looked  on  as  a  mere  agglomeration  of 
iniquitous  savages,  and  for  some  minutes  I  was  silent,  gaz- 
ing dreamily  at  the  horrible  mutilations  of  the  battle  going 
on  a  few  yards  ofif,  with  the  dawning  conviction  that  there 
was  more  in  mankind  than  I  had  previously  discerned. 

"By  the  way,"  I  finally  ventured,  "do  you  individually 
teach  this  licking  science  to  the  whole  nation?" 

I  saw  at  once  that  this  was  a  very  foolish  question,  for 
had  he  not  admitted  that  he  knew  nothing  whatever  about 
the  rules  and  made  up  a  new  one  when  his  authority  was 
solicited?     But  he  took  my  blunder  leniently. 

"By  no  means,"  he  beamed  with  another  rattle  of  his 
shells.  "About  a  fourth  of  the  nation  are  set  apart  to 
instruct  the  rest;  the  women  are  most  serviceable  in  it. 
All  practise  on  the  feet  of  the  teachers,  understanding  that 
this  is  only  preparation;  as  they  become  more  advanced 
they  are  allowed  to  lap  on  the  feet  of  the  grandees,  a  special 


THE  TRAINERS  OF  LICKING  43 

and  select  preliminary  to  performing  the  act  upon  mine; 
but  the  highest  post  which  a  trainer  can  affect  is  oversee- 
ing the  liquid  maneuver  on  my  feet  and  grooming  the 
members  of  one  who  grooms  mine, — he  can  never  himself 
directly  lick  mine.  Neither  are  the  women  admitted  to 
this  ineffable  shekinah.  The  trainer  is  more  sincere  and 
reverential  in  his  teaching  from  being  barred  out  of  its 
sweetest  rewards;  he  garners  his  glory  vicariously  and  can 
aspire  only  to  the  minor  pinnacle  of  having  it  said  of  him 
in  future  ages  that  he  was  the  teacher  of  a  great  licker. 
This  contents  him  very  well,  for  we  choose  the  trainers 
from  those  deprecating  meek  obsequities  who  feel  as  much 
honored  by  a  kick  from  a  great  man  as  they  would  by  a 
country  estate  from  a  common  clod-hopper.  It  is  most 
interesting  to  see  how  their  dutiful  humility  toward  us 
grows  on  them  with  years.  I  have  succeeded  in  detach- 
ing my  shadow  which  I  send  through  the  streets  on  four 
crosspoles  for  the  edification  of  the  teachers,  who  fly  for- 
ward from  everywhere,  prostrate  themselves  on  the  earth 
and  lick  the  feet  of  the  slaves  who  carry  it.  I  sometimes 
secrete  myself  in  the  vicinity  to  observe  them,  for  it  gives 
me  great  complacence  to  be  ocularly  assured  of  their  loy- 
alty. A  State  can  never  fall  where  the  educators  have 
humble  and  steadfast  faith  in  the  right  thing.  They  have 
succeeded  in  proving  to  the  people  in  some  manner  I  have 
not  troubled  to  inquire  into,  because  the  first  three  lengths* 
of  it  wore  me  nearly  to  death,  that  all  food,  life,  sunlight, 
and  strength  come  out  of  that  shadow,  and  are  formed 
inside  of  it.  according  to  an  ingenious  axiom  which  they 
have  established,  that  everything  is  where  it  is  not.  Altho 
I  don't  agree  with  them  or  understand  it,  I  believe  they 
are  right  and  compel  my  subjects  to  learn  their  ninety-six 
lengths  on  the  subject  by  heart,  and  if  any  be  so  ignorant 


*A  length  was  a  five  hours'  harangue  without  taking  a  fresh  breath. 
Not  all  the  trainers  could  perform  a  length. 


44 


THE    HORROBOOS 


as  not  to  comprehend  the  reasoning,  or  at   least  not  to 
believe  in  it,  I  degrade  them  into  slaves." 

"The  trainers  seem  to  be  the  very  pillars  of  your  noble 
savagery,"  said  I,  "and  I  should  think  you  would  be  tender 
of  them." 

"Sir,  I  treat  them  with  great  gentleness  and  honor.  They 
have  the  same  privileges  of  punishment  and  death  as  the 
holder  of  the  royal  office  of  the  feet;  through  my  affec- 
tionate demonstrations  upon  their  persons  they  may  be- 
come Chancellors ;  and  they  are  permitted  to  lick  the  feet 
of  the  great,  which  is  their  dream  of  happiness.  These 
liberties  are  enough :  it  is  a  universal  quality  of  the  human 
bat  to  revere  what  is  withheld.  I  should  mention  that  the 
teachers  are  profoundly  graded  and  are  restricted  to  vari- 
ous parts  of  the  foot  to  prevent  their  brains  from  growing 
too  monotonously  rich  and  even ;  the  children  are  advanced 
through  all  the  grades  till  they  know  as  much  as  their 
numerous  trainers  combined,  except  the  highest ;  they  are 
then  thirty-three  years  old,  for  they  begin  to  study  at  three, 
but  this  is  only  the  brightest,  and  some  are  seventy.  Out 
of  these  bright  children  the  advanced  trainer  for  the  great 
is  chosen,  after  having  approved  his  tenacious  strength  of 
principles  by  standing  on  one  leg  for  seven  days." 

"I  still  fail  to  comprehend  their  state  of  mind.  Sire,"  I 
pursued,  "for  on  my  way  here  from  the  Divinity  I  passed 
through  a  country  where  the  teachers  are  surpassingly 
enlightened  and  gloriously  independent  leaders,  and  licking 
the  feet  of  the  great  would  be  considered  inadequate  emolu- 
ment for  their  conspicuous  services  and  sacrifices,  for  they 
too  save  us  from  change  and  are  regarded  with  much  secret 
contempt  by  the  mighty  whom  they  sustain.  This  sentiment 
however  is  most  scrupulously  tempered  in  public,  altho 
universally  known  to  exist,  for  there  is  an  unverified  tradi- 
tion with  us  that  if  the  teachers  should  ever  acquire  a  little 
intelligence  and  come  into   opposition  to  the  rulers  and 


THE  TRAINERS  OF  LICKING  45 

owners  of  general  finiteness  everything  old  and  rotten  would 
vanish  in  a  sudden  conflagration.    Therefore  we  feed  them 
with  cerebral  pap  and  permit  them  to  wear  very  honorable 
and  ugly  clothes  so  that  they  never  mutiny.     We  came  to 
this  knowledge  of  teachers  by  some  deep  researches  into 
monkeys  and  babies.      These  charming  animals  are  very 
imitative   and   impressionable   to   exterior   shows,    and   by 
similar  experiments  on  professors  we  arrived  at  the  con- 
founding discovery  that  they  belong  to  the  same  group. 
By  making  them  think  they  are  somebody  they  will  repeat 
what  we  want  them  to  say  with  great  contentment  like  par- 
rots and  will  chatter  off  our  doctrines  like  monkeys.     To 
make  them  think  they  are  of  consequence  we  only  have  to 
dress  them  in  a  certain  ridiculous  fashion.    We  place  some 
cylinders    of    black    cloth    resembling    flexible    stove-pipes 
around  their  legs,  and  upon  their  backs  and  breasts  a  pre- 
posterous   white    article  very  stiff  and  uncomfortable  in 
front,  but  we  apply  the  greatest  torture  to  their  necks. 
These  we  confine  in  a  rigid  band,  almost  of  the  texture  of 
steel,  of  which  they  can  never  relieve  themselves  in  public 
without  absolute  loss  of  caste.     The  effect  of  this  band, 
and  of  the  polished  flexible  stove-pipes  on  their  legs,  is 
miraculous.       The    circulation   of   the  blood   through   the 
neck  is  impeded  so  that  the  head,  which  can  hardly  move 
in  its  rigid  casing,  gets  but  little  blood,  and  thus  the  thoughts 
are  weak  and  watery  just  as  we  desire  them  to  be.    These 
puny  thoughts  can  naturally  grasp  nothing  large,  and  they 
dwell  for  the  most  part  on  the  form  and  nature  of  the 
stove-pipes  on  their  legs,  their  substance,  creases,  wrinkles, 
and  other  intricate  problems  of  their  essence.    Such  is  their 
absorption  in  these  profound  monkey  metaphysics  that  they 
often  remain   quite  oblivious  to  hunger  while  we   starve 
them  to  death,  thinking  of  nothing  but  what  they  have  on 
their  necks  and  legs." 

At  these  words  of  mine  the  King  looked  somewhat  hurt. 


46  THE    HORROBOOS 

"We  are  not  stingy  in  our  payments,"  said  he;  "did  I  not 
say  that  the  children  lick  their  trainers'  feet  for  practice? 
This  has  a  wonderfully  softening  spiritual  effect  upon  the 
trainers,  besides  being  held  to  be  so  flattering  a  boon  that 
they  accept  it  in  lieu  of  half  their  pay.  Its  utility  for 
State  purposes  must  be  as  great  as  your  civilized  mind-pap 
and  magic  clothes,  for  while  the  children  are  thus  practis- 
ing the  rite  on  their  trainers'  feet  the  latter  are  permitted 
to  imagine  that  they  are  the  great,  which  brings  the  train- 
ers and  the  great  into  the  most  incredible  sympathy  and 
understanding.  After  this  miraculous  blending  of  soul  with 
their  masters  our  trainers  never  head  a  revolt." 

While  thus  exchanging  ideas  with  the  King  and  closely 
attending  the  carnage  of  the  aristocracy,  some  peculiar 
actions  on  the  part  of  the  people  struck  me,  whose  import 
was  bewildering.  The  natives  even  down  to  the  women 
and  infants  in  arms  broke  up  into  cliques,  each  championing 
some  particular  great  man  in  the  heap,  alive  or  dead,  and 
shouting  his  name  in  unison,  mingled  with  marrow-piercing 
whoops  and  an  infernal  siren  whistle  which  seemed  to  start 
with  a  mild  hiss  far  up  in  the  air,  then  wailingly  descending, 
to  sweep  about  in  riotous  spirals,  curves  and  vortices  of 
sound,  passing  through  the  hearer  like  a  wild  scream  of 
the  tortured  damned,  and  finally  to  reascend  into  itself  on 
high,  quavering  and  groaning  its  life  out  like  a  spent  sky- 
rocket, a  wasted  volcano,  or  the  quenched  cry  of  a  perish- 
ing steamer  at  sea.  Each  group  was  bursting  its  vitals  to 
outscream  the  others  and  inspire  its  select  knight,  believing 
that  a  great  volume  of  noise  in  the  form  of  his  name  im- 
parted physical  strength.  As  they  danced  around  the  mass 
of  red  maggots  their  sympathy  was  metamorphosed  into 
hate  of  one  another,  and  I  saw  that  these  rival  bands  would 
soon  take  up  the  cause  of  their  superiors  on  each  others' 
heads  and  bring  the  whole  tribe  into  the  redolent  plight  of 
the  forty.    It  was  not  the  King's  plan  to  have  this  happen 


THE  TRAINERS  OF  LICKING  47 

that  day.  With  the  menacing  aspect  of  an  Egyptian  god 
as  these  deities  are  seen  in  the  museums,  and  one  of  the 
boards  of  my  box-cover  for  a  weapon,  he  charged  them  with 
the  fury  of  an  avalanche,  surging  majestically  from  side 
to  side  in  his  royal  wrath,  a  glorious  specimen  of  super- 
human grandeur,  and  soon  had  them  chilled  below  fighting 
heat.  They  nevertheless  continued  their  wicked  bellow- 
ings,  shaking  their  fists  in  each  others'  eyes  and  actually 
cutting  pieces  of  flesh  out  of  their  own  bodies  in  their 
uncontrollable  rage,  and  doing  themselves  other  execrable 
injuries  in  their  chivalrous  loyalty  to  the  august  guardians 
of  the  food  and  other  monopolized  privileges. 

"What  is  the  meaning  of  this,  King?"  I  demanded  when 
the  pandemonium  lulled  for  breath. 

"It  is  out  tribal  equality,"  shouted  Milto  back  in  my  ear. 
"The  lowly  identify  themselves  in  sentiment  and  cheers  with 
some  great  man  and  in  that  way  become  a  metaphorical  part 
of  him,  his  equal.  It  is  the  leveling  bond  of  sympathy,  and 
it  levels  the  common  and  vulgar  up.  See  how  they  all  at 
once  become  great  by  attaching  themselves  in  spirit  to  the 
cause  of  some  glorious  renowned  individual !  It  is  due  to 
the  magic  of  love.  They  love  and  revere  the  virtues  of 
the  illustrious  notable  whom  they  have  adopted  as  the 
patron  of  their  imaginations ;  they  live  in  his  atmosphere, 
his  blood  circulates  theoretically  through  them,  the  oneness 
is  absolute,  for  them  there  is  no  lower  or  higher  (which 
is  reserved  for  the  high),  no  invidious  gaps,  heartburns, 
or  degradations,  only  a  blur  of  joyous  vacancy  in  their 
mental  parts.  It  is  an  ideal  state  and  it  is  caused  by 
equality." 

"Unspeakably  charming!"  I  cried.  "Poor  naked  savages 
that  you  are,  without  capital  or  universities,  Moses,  gospel, 
Greek,  God,  Trusts,  Trousers,  or  lawyers,  you  have  solved 
the  problem  of  the  modern  world.  I  suppose  these  great 
men  share  everything  they  have  with  their  devoted  sup- 


48  THE  HORROBOOS 

porters  and  live  with  them  on  terms  of  the  sweetest  inti- 
macy." 

"Bless  you,  no,  that  would  be  most  degrading  and  unjust 
to  the  common  people.  So  far  as  the  great  are  concerned 
I  can  assure  you  they  would  Hke  nothing  better,  but  it 
would  upset  the  equilibrium  of  the  small ;  their  heads  would 
be  turned  by  familiarity ;  they  have  to  be  kept  on  very  short 
food-rations  as  a  means  of  spiritual  cultivation,  so  that  it 
would  not  do  to  share  anything  with  them;  and  the  ten- 
derest,  loveliest,  most  delicate  and  precious  traits  of  human 
character  result  from  this  humble  state  of  affectionate  men- 
tal dependence  of  the  mean  upon  the  magnificent.  These 
people  would  all  die  for  their  favorite  great  man  and  would 
despise  him  as  a  poor-spirited  impostor  if  he  treated  them 
kindly.  It  is  the  most  beautiful  exhibition  of  love  in  Africa. 
From  time  to  time  I  let  the  fractious  have  it  out  among 
themselves :  it  cools  their  passions  and  quells  the  turbulent 
spirits,  who  generally  kill  each  other.  The  contests  occur 
in  the  fall  when  we  are  getting  in  our  winter  supplies  of 
meat.  We  jerk  the  bodies  and  if  the  festivities  have  been 
spirited  we  are  saved  from  going  to  war." 

I  pondered.  Another  lull  came,  and  making  my  hands 
into  a  trumpet  I  yelled,  "Do  these  great  men  ever  do  any- 
thing for  the  rest?" 

He  looked  at  me  as  a  big  boy  does  upon  a  small  one 
when  contemplating  mischief.  "They  let  them  lick  their 
feet,"  he  said. 


CHAPTER  Vni. 

My  Two  Miracles 

The  battle  began  to  wane  and  I  turned  my  mind  wholly 
to  examining  the  physical   condition   of   the   combatants. 


MY  TWO  MIRACLES  49 

Bleeding  from  head  to  foot  and  minus  many  of  the  ordi- 
nary signs  of  humanity,  a  stranger  could  not  safely  have 
said  they  were  the  remnants  of  human  beings  but  only  of 
some  unclassified  form  of  jellied  biped.  Several  were  lying 
dead,  others  with  arms  and  legs  broken  or  torn  from  the 
body  and  vital  internal  mishaps  were  writhing  upon  the 
ground  emitting  despairing  cries.  A  favorite  weapon  had 
been  the  teeth,  for  nearly  all  were  viciously  lacerated  in 
numerous  parts  as  if  masticated  by  wild  beasts.  The  splen- 
dor of  their  incisors,  the  formidable  prognathous  structure 
of  their  jaws,  and  their  nude  exposure  above  and  below  the 
hip-circlet  gave  fearful  severity  to  this  mode  of  warfare. 

Those  who  could  move,  about  twenty  in  number,  now 
stumbled  forward  to  the  baubles,  and,  regardless  of  the 
King's  mandate  that  they  were  to  take  only  half,  incon- 
tinently seized  everything  that  was  left,  each  grabbing  for 
the  whole  and  snatching  what  he  could  get  out  of  his  neigh- 
bors' hands,  until  I  thought  the  fragile  stuff  would  be  totally 
demolished.  In  this  struggle  the  poor  human  scraps  most 
depleted  of  blood  got  nothing.  At  this  astounding  appro- 
priation there  was  heard  a  faint  low  respectful  murmur 
of  remonstrance  from  the  people,  entirely  mild,  spiritless 
and  supplicatory,  whereupon  the  King  rose  in  stately  fath- 
erliness  and  commanded  the  first  citizens  to  adjourn  blood- 
shed and  listen  to  him.  He  ordered  the  fighters  to  restore 
some  of  their  plunder,  that  the  people  might  have  their 
natural  share  of  the  gift,  at  which  a  deafening  shout  glori- 
fying their  noble  ruler  as  protector  of  the  common  people, 
as  saint,  Providence,  equal  arbiter  and  God,  shivered  the 
air  from  the  multitude,  who  began  to  dance,  caper  and  per- 
form wonderfully,  some  of  the  specially  agile  climbing 
on  to  each  others'  shoulders  four  or  five  high,  twining  them- 
selves stiffly  together,  and  in  this  position  turning  complete 
somersaults,  as  if  a  lofty  ladder  were  to  do  so — a  feat  I 
had  not  seen  elsewhere  and  which  was  very  fascinating. 


50  THE   HORROBOOS 

I  had  much  sympathy  for  the  people  whom  the  great 
had  concocted  to  rob  so  shamelessly  and  was  glad  justice 
was  to  be  done  them,  so  I  looked  to  see  what  share  they 
were  to  receive.  In  the  melee  some  of  the  necklaces  had 
been  broken,  scattering  the  beads  about,  and  these  the  great 
men  were  now  busily  picking  up  and  throwing  into  a  tray 
from  the  box,  together  with  a  number  of  pebbles  of  the 
same  size.  These,  as  it  soon  appeared,  were  for  the  people. 
The  unimpaired  necklaces,  brass  rings,  bracelets,  anklets, 
eardrops,  nose-rings,  tin  rattles,  whistles,  and  everything 
else  of  value,  they  retained  for  themselves.  When  they 
had  gathered  up  all  the  beads  they  could  find,  including 
many  that  were  trampled  and  broken,  all  told  less  than  a 
fiftieth  of  the  total  contents  of  the  box,  the  gawded  mon- 
arch benignly  called  his  ordinary  children  about  him,  and 
with  royal  impressiveness  as  if  he  were  endowing  each 
with  a  kingdom,  presented  their  portions  of  the  largess 
from  heaven  to  all,  amounting  to  two  beads  apiece  inclusive 
of  the  broken  ones  and  the  little  stones.  The  populace, 
nevertheless,  were  transcendently  and  pathetically  delighted, 
especially  when  informed  from  the  impromptu  throne  of 
my  box  endwise,  on  which  His  Highness  squatted,  tho  it 
wobbled  much,  that  the  heavenly  sender  had  not  stipulated 
that  a  single  bead  or  even  a  stone  should  go  to  the  rabble, 
but  had  deferred  entirely  to  his  royal  wisdom  and  gen- 
erosity to  do  as  he  pleased.  By  this  time,  having  forgotten 
all  previous  sentiments  of  Providence,  they  lifted  up  another 
shout  of  glory  to  the  King  and  turned  more  of  their  human- 
ladder  gyrations.  With  diaphanous  complaisance  the  satis- 
fied King  permitted  his  shadow  to  be  brought  in  and  all 
the  commonalty  to  kiss  the  sole  of  its  foot  once. 

In  a  voice  that  boomed  over  the  assemblage  Milto  called 
for  the  customary  thanks  to  the  divinity,  which  immediately 
issued  with  terrific  energy  from  the  gratefully  swelling 
bosoms  of  the  two-beaded  multitude.     He  then  selected 


MY  TWO  MIRACLES  51 

from  his  throat  a  magnificent  necklace  of  greenish  blue  for 
his  offering  to  deity  and  deposited  it  on  a  tray  to  encourage 
other  givers,  whereupon,  for  the  god's  use,  each  of  the 
great  ones  drew  from  his  stock  whatever  he  prized  least,, 
a  tin  rooster,  a  glass  marble  with  a  spider  inside,  a  bottle- 
stopper,  et  cetera,  and  joined  it  to  the  King's  oblation.  In 
their  turn  the  common  people  each  and  all  gave  one  of 
their  two  beads,  massing  them  in  a  separate  heap.  Then 
the  King,  the  Chief  Idol-tamer,  and  the  surviving  grandees 
consecrated  the  two  piles  by  a  rite  original  to  that  land, 
performed  by  each  one  going  through  the  ranks  of  the  low- 
born with  a  receptacle  of  dust  which  stood  by  for  the  pur- 
pose and  placing  a  handful  in  every  native's  eyes.  Singu- 
lar to  say  they  all  threw  back  their  heads  to  receive  into 
their  open  orbs  and  retain  there  the  full  delivery,  tho  the 
pain  must  have  been  racking.  After  this  ceremony  and 
the  mumbling  of  some  cabalistic  noises,  King  Milto  com- 
posedly transferred  the  consecrated  costlier  pile  of  his  own 
and  the  great  men's  making  to  his  private  heap,  while  the 
great  followed  suit  by  fastening  their  clutches  upon  the 
rabble's  consignment  to  the  god  and  portioning  it  out  among 
themselves.  The  blue-bloods  fell  into  a  minor  contention 
over  the  box,  which  they  all  grossly  coveted,  but  I  firmly 
informed  the  mighty  quarrel-queller  that  there  would  be 
no  more  cargoes  from  aloft  if  that  vehicle  were  confiscated, 
which  quickly  educed  from  him  some  sparkling  paradoxes, 
that  struck  a  dozen  of  the  grasping  patricians  wittily  be- 
tween the  eyes  and  sent  them  rolling  a  distance. 

Mounting  again  on  Majesty's  back,  which  seemed  to 
have  a  cataleptic  effect  on  the  mob,  I  declared  from  this 
rostrum  that  the  day's  adventures  would  close  with  a  couple 
of  original  miracles.  Tipping  the  box  on  its  end  that  all 
might  see  the  empty  interior  I  called  them  to  witness  that 
there  was  nothing  within.  Directing  the  King  and  his  depu- 
ties to  apply  the  dust  to  the  public  optics  as  before,  this 


52  THE    HORROBOOS 

time  not  omitting  their  own  eyes,  I  removed  a  false  bot- 
tom, beneath  which  was  stowed  a  quantity  of  candy  drops, 
very  hard,  powerfully  flavored,  and  colored  and  shaped  like 
beads ;  then  ordering  the  people  to  wipe  out  the  dust  I 
displayed  my  creation  to  their  tearfully  astonished  sight. 
The  great  men  were  about  to  rush  in  for  a  sweeping  con- 
solidation of  it,  according  to  law  and  order  and  custom, 
but  I  waved  them  off  with  authority  born  of  the  miracle, 
which  had  wrought  a  deep  impression. 

"Now  for  the  second  miracle,"  said  I.  "These  beads 
shall  be  changed  into  a  very  delightful  food  which  you  can 
all  eat."  I  lifted  my  right  leg  into  the  air  three  times  and 
when  it  was  at  right  angles  to  my  body  waved  the  foot  on 
its  axis  six  times  and  touched  the  sole  with  my  little  finger ; 
I  then  directed  King  Milto,  who,  on  account  of  his  elevated 
intelligence  through  which  he  could  see  farther  into  the 
occult  than  most,  was  more  amazed  by  these  marvels  than 
the  rest,  to  distribute  the  enchanted  articles  to  the  people. 

"And,"  I  said  emphatically,  "by  god's  will,  with  no 
meddling  of  earthly  charity  associated  or  otherwise,  every 
man,  woman  and  child  from  Your  Highness  down  to  that 
six-legged  dwarf  is  to  have  the  same  number  of  them." 

I  had  a  mysterious  purpose  in  this  which  will  appear  in 
the  sequel.  It  was  the  first  time  they  had  tasted  American 
sweets  and  their  faces  shone  with  a  happiness  I  never  expect 
to  see  again  in  this  world. 

Having  sent  the  box  to  the  King's  private  cave  for  safe 
storage,  attention  was  paid  to  the  twenty  great  characters 
who  since  the  terrible  battle  had  been  left  unnoticed  where 
they  fell.  Four  were  dead ;  the  others,  among  them  the 
'King's  Feet'  and  the  Cook  of  Natives,  were  so  shattered 
inside  and  out  that  the  King  ordered  them  to  be  dispatched 
and  a  public  repast  of  the  bodies  proclaimed  in  honor  of 
all  gods  who  possess  things  that  men  want  to  get.  At  the 
end  of  the  feast  the  finger-  and  toe-nails  of  the  departed 


THE  KING  SITS  IN  A  TREE 


53 


were  presented  as  a  special  contribution  to  the  non-gift- 
giving  gods. 

CHAPTER  IX 

The  King  and  I  Sit  in  a  Tree 

My  position  was  now  established  as  only  second  to  that 
of  the  monarch  himself,  and  on  the  following  day  Milto 
announced  with  a  thousand  marks  of  affection  and  con- 
fidence that  the  office  of  the  Feet  was  vacant  for  me  if  I 
would  be  so  good  as  to  accept  it,  signifying  also  that  I 
should  be  promoted  as  speedily  as  possible  to  the  Council 
of  the  Ancients.  The  proposition  filled  me  with  untold 
anxieties  as  to  what  they  might  now  expect  of  me,  having 
seen  my  miraculous  powers  verified.  It  was  plain  enough 
that  the  King  had  warmly  set  his  heart  on  having  me  lick 
his  basic  elements;  yet  I  doubted  if  this  was  entirely  dis- 
interested, for  he  could  not  but  perceive  how  vastly  my 
prestige  was  expanding. 

"Your  Lambent  Sagacity  overlooks  the  danger  to  the 
peace  and  regularity  of  the  realm  in  this  new  precedent," 
I  expostulated;  "I  have  had  no  training  for  such  a  load  of 
duty,  and  if  you  advanced  me  to  that  dizzy  honor  without 
a  thirty  years'  course,  every  Tom,  Jim  and  Jake  you  have 
would  think  the  same  preference  belonged  to  him  and  your 
institutions  would  soon  be  nourishing  the  worms.  Let  me 
graduate  first,  for  precedent  is  paramount  in  licking  as  it 
is  in  other  matters  of  State  and  tribunals  of  Justice." 

This  presentment  put  him  off  for  the  time  being,  but  I 
saw  trouble  ahead.     I  therefore  resolved  to  forestall  him. 

The  next  day  we  were  seated  together  in  the  branches 
of  a  tree  commanding  his  domain,  chatting  amiably  over 
a  plan  of  his  to  capture  a  white  caravan  that  was  beating 
its  course  toward  the  interior. 


54  THE    HORROBOOS 

"By  the  way,"  said  I,  "this  morning  I  had  a  letter  from 
the  Origin  of  that  box  of  gifts." 

"Um,  you  did?     Anything  new  in  the  universe?" 

"He  sent  sharp  orders.  He's  getting  the  next  exhibit 
ready,  but  He  says  you  must  go  to  work  on  your  part  of 
the  contract." 

"Go  ahead,"  said  the  monarch  with  forced  composure, 
"what  are  we  to  do?" 

"You  are  to  make  me  Improver  of  the  Earth." 

"I  can  soon  do  that,"  he  exploded,  relieved,  "it  will  help 
us;  what  else?" 

"Wait  till  you  know  the  qualities  of  Improver  of  the 
Earth  before  you  exult,"  I  admonished,  "and  appoint  me 
now." 

"Well?" 

"It's  a  higher  position  than  officer  of  your  feet,"  I  said, 
to  deal  a  hard  blow. 

He  winced  visibly,  then  asked,  "Who  is  this  meddlesome 
god  that  demands  so  much  of  me?" 

"The  one  that  gives  you  so  much.  Among  the  celestials 
he  goes  by  the  name  'Eternal  Order  of  Things.' " 

"I  like  the  sound  of  that,"  Milto  ruminated;  "it  doesn't 
seem  that  one  with  so  good  a  name  could  do  anything 
improper." 

"Even  to  speak  of  such  a  possibility  of  'Eternal  Order' 
is  to  blaspheme,"  I  frowned,  and  he  cowered. 

"I  appoint  you  Improver  of  the  Earth;  impart  what  the 
god  wants  of  me  next." 

"I'm  going  to  perform  another  miracle,  and  show  you 
how  to  obtain  beautiful  yellow  grains  called  'gold'  out  of 
common  dirt.  Then  your  whole  tribe,  under  your  leading, 
may  amuse  yourselves  executing  this  miracle  every  day 
for  the  sake  of  your  god  and  me." 

"Am  I  to  have  some  of  this  divine  substance?" 

"You  truly  call  it  divine.    Without  it  there  could  be  no 


THE  KING  SITS  IN  A  TREE  55 

heaven  that  men  would  desire;  gods  would  be  vulgar  ob- 
jects if  they  could  not  show  their  superiority  by  parading 
themselves  in  gold  and  diamonds,  and  as  soon  as  men 
acquire  sufficient  gold  they  become  possessed  of  every  essen- 
tial attribute  of  gods.  If  you  are  gentle,  loving  and  obedi- 
ent to  my  will,  I  may  hereafter  grant  you  a  portion  of  this 
elixir  of  divinity,  as  a  condescension  tho  not  as  a  right, 
but  you  must  carefully  refrain  from  all  avarice  to  own  it, 
since  that  is  forbidden  by  religion.  Religion  is  so  made 
that  we  must  not  crave  the  thing  for  which  the  illustrious 
gods  are  chiefly  celebrated,  for  they  cannot  part  with  their 
essence  without  loss,  and  men  must  console  themselves  with 
copying  the  divinities  in  the  minor  things — their  virtues. 
You  are  aware  also  that  you  have  made  me  developer  of 
your  earth,  and  if  I  permit  you  to  live  in  your  country 
after  that  it  is  uncommonly  generous  on  my  part,  without 
my  giving  you  a  share  of  the  gold  it  contains.  You  are 
to  dig  that  in  return  for  the  privilege  of  staying  where  you 
are,  as  you  will  fully  understand  when  you  have  thoroughly 
studied  the  character  of  your  Bountiful  Providence,  the 
Eternal  Order  of  Things,  the  One  Buzzrack,  to  whom  I 
have  just  introduced  you.  It  is  my  design  to  exhibit  ele- 
ments of  his  nature  to  you  in  sermons  when  you  are  too 
weary  to  work,  for  I  am  accurately  instructed  in  it,  and 
if  you  ever  feel  inclined  to  complain  of  your  lot  you  will 
learn  from  my  preaching  that  it  is  a  sin  to  resist  the 
heavenly  will  as  it  is  revealed  by  those  who  love  you  and 
understand  heaven  best.  Being  robbed  by  your  betters  on 
earth  is  the  straight  and  narrow  path  to  paradise,  where 
I  haven't  any  doubt  you  will  be  allowed  to  scrub  the  floors 
for  the  better  angels." 

This  was  so  reasonable  that  the  King  readily  consented 
and  promised  to  interpret  my  generosity  to  his  countrymen, 
which  I  exhorted  him  to  do  very  explicitly  in  the  simplest 
Rinyoese  that  there  might  not  arise  a  misunderstanding  as 
to  the  ownership  of  things. 


56  THE    HORROBOOS 

We  crawled  down  from  the  tree,  in  which  I  was  feeling 
rather  stiff,  and  I  suggested  a  promenade  through  the  realm. 
Some  of  the  customs  of  the  tribe  had  seemed  very  novel 
to  me,  but  my  mind  up  to  this  time  having  been  much  occu- 
pied with  my  own  safety  I  had  not  delved  into  them. 
Feeling  now  more  secure  I  could  look  about  with  a  careless 
and  interested  eye  as  we  ambled  along. 

"Why  do  so  many  of  your  people  wear  those  long  and 
heavy  poles  of  different  lengths  fastened  horizontally  across 
the  small  of  their  backs  ?  Not  a  few  of  them,  I  notice,  can 
scarcely  walk  under  the  load." 

"That  is  our  visible  emblem  of  learning,  lineage,  and 
dignity.  The  longer  and  heavier  it  is,  the  greater  you  may 
know  is  the  bearer  of  it :  that  is  to  say,  the  farther  advanced 
in  the  knowledge  of  the  great  Science  of  My  Feet,  Respec- 
tability." 

"It  must  be  very  inconvenient,  people  cannot  come  any- 
where near  each  other  with  those  remarkable  appurtenances 
on. 

"That  is  the  design.  It  prevents  the  low  and  ignorant 
from  contact  with  the  learned  and  high,  for  of  course  they 
have  to  walk  around  each  other  by  the  distance  of  the  poles 
they  wear." 

"Doesn't  it  keep  equals  apart  also?  I  should  think  they 
would  be  lonesome  without  closer  companionship  than  these 
poles  suffer." 

"That  is  a  necessary  precaution  for  preserving  life.  The 
equally  great  and  learned  are  bitterly  jealous  of  one  an- 
other, if  permitted  to  come  together  they  froth,  and  if  not 
separated  they  bite  and  murder." 

He  explained  further  that  in  wars  the  poles  were  only 
worn  by  the  officers,  who  could  not  be  defiled  by  coming 
into  contact  with  the  enemy  as  they  might  be  obliged  to 
do  if  the  poles  were  discarded. 


CONDEMNED  TO  DEATH  57 

CHAPTER  X 
The  Long  Poles.     I  Am  Condemned  to  Death 

The  gold  digging  began  very  auspiciously,  except  for 
the  fact  that  the  poles  were  much  in  the  way  and  impeded 
work.  Not  less  than  nine-tenths  of  the  productive  energy 
of  the  tribe  was  lost,  since  not  only  did  the  weight  of  them 
hinder  motion,  frequently  causing  their  wearers  to  fall 
forward  in  a  helpless  heap,  whence  they  could  only  be  got 
upright  again  by  the  aid  of  those  who  had  not  yet  fallen 
down,  when  it  would  be  a  wonder  if  the  would-be  rescuers 
did  not  measure  themselves  out  on  top  of  the  others,  con- 
suming nearly  all  the  time  not  in  getting  gold  but  in  falling 
down  and  getting  up,  but  in  addition  to  this  there  could 
be  but  little  helpful  assistance  in  labor  rendered  by  one 
to  another,  since  unless  one  were  stretched  out  useless  on 
the  earth  none  could  approach  him  to  co-operate  or  even 
to  pass  by  with  a  load.  With  things  in  this  plight,  although 
the  whole  population  including  the  King,  his  wives  and 
concubines  and  the  principal  men  endeavored  to  work  from 
the  moment  the  sun  assumed  the  scepter  of  day  until  he 
laid  it  down  at  night  for  repose,  mighty  little  gold  was 
realized.  Upon  my  pointing  this  out  to  His  Majesty  and 
suggesting  that  the  poles  be  laid  aside  during  working  hours, 
he  assured  me  that  there  would  certainly  be  a  terrible  revo- 
lution if  the  attempt  were  made,  in  the  course  of  which 
he  would  be  deposed  and  devoured  with  me  in  a  side  dish, 
and  that  they  would  then  be  sure  to  select  a  King  who 
would  double  the  length  of  the  poles  for  the  sake  of  popu- 
larity. 

So  we  labored  along  for  a  week  Avith  a  flickering  zest  on 
the  part  of  the  tribe,  I  myself  sitting  on  a  shaded  eminence 
and  directing  maneuvers,  yet  with  no  practical  results  to 
speak  of.    The  ground  was  teeming  with  gold,  but  at  this 


58  THE   HORROBOOS 

rate  it  would  take  four  generations  to  get  out  the  quantity 
needed  to  make  a  small  millionaire. 

"Your  licking  custom  is  a  great  crime,"  I  declared  to  the 
King  with  choler  when  Saturday  night  came  and  we  had 
^11  laid  aside  our  tools  until  Monday  morning  in  order  to 
attend  the  church  which  I  had  established.  "Between  Hck- 
ing  and  the  long  poles  it  is  the  silliest  foolery  practised 
by  honest  men  in  the  circle  of  our  solar  system ;  but  I 
would  care  nothing  for  that :  so  long  as  it  didn't  interfere 
with  the  progress  of  civilization  you  might  lick  and  be 
hanged,  or  carry  pine  trees  on  your  backs  and  sprint,  never 
would  I  oppose  the  genius  of  your  institutions ;  but  when 
you  block  the  advancement  of  liberal  ideas  with  your  poles, 
and  hinder  the  spread  of  perfection  over  the  globe  by  your 
licking,  it  is  time  for  righteousness  to  be  bold.  However 
necessary  these  instrumentalities  may  be  for  the  culture 
of  the  privileged  or  restraint  of  the  natural  selfishness 
and  inborn  brutality  of  your  masses,  for  the  sake  of  the 
world  they  must  be  cast  aside.  I  came  here  unselfishly 
to  collect  gold  for  the  purpose  of  promoting  the  Kingdom 
of  Good  in  the  United  States  by  greasing  the  wheels  of 
greed.  But  look  at  this  little  basketful  of  the  yellow  god- 
stufif:  it  doesn't  amount  to  a  thousand  dollars,  which 
wouldn't  gild  a  god's  little  finger  tip,  and  that's  the  only 
result  of  a  hard  week's  toil.  If  you  are  afraid  to  abolish 
pole-wearing  alone,  how  would  it  do  to  brush  away  the 
whole  licking  ceremony  and  fly  into  the  van  of  human 
development  at  one  bound?" 

I  think  if  His  Majesty  had  not  been  physically  lame  and 
mentally  limp  from  his  unusual  week's  usefulness  there 
would  have  been  trouble  between  us.  He  choked  down  his 
irritation  and  replied  patiently. 

"You  do  not  know  what  you  suggest;  you  would  tear 
down  the  free  fabric  of  our  commonwealth ;  without  the 
study  and  practice  of  licking,  without  these  poles  to  pub- 


CONDEMNED  TO  DEATH  59 

licly  herald  the  progress  of  each  in  this  noble  work,  with- 
out the  honorable  names  formed  from  the  number  of  rins' 
length  these  poles  contain,  what  object  would  my  people 
have  in  life?  They  would  renounce  all  obligations  and 
obedience,  abandon  themselves  to  ghastly  infamy,  embrace 
abominable  license,  devote  their  powers  to  self-destruction 
in  nameless  orgies,  for  that  is  the  law  of  human  nature 
when  it  gets  loose  from  its  serious  institutions.  The  keen- 
est pleasure  my  people  have  is  that  of  comparing  the  length 
of  their  poles  and  finding  some  longer  than  others;  nor 
without  these  visible  emblems  of  exaltation  to  struggle  for 
do  I  know  of  a  single  potent  stimulus  to  effort.  All  human 
initiative  springs  from  them ;  bereft  of  their  magic  impetus 
we  should  starve,  because  there  would  be  no  incentive  to 
work.  The  beasts  of  the  forest  would  cease  to  envy  and 
emulate  us." 

Even  in  my  vexation  I  could  not  forbear  asking  what 
connection  rins  had  with  names,  and  was  richly  rewarded 
for  my  curiosity  when  I  heard  the  following: 

A  rin  was  their  unit  of  measure,  slightly  more  than  our 
foot.  They  estimated  human  greatness  as  spatial,  and  most 
accurately  measured  by  length ;  as  a  man  became  greater 
he  naturally  would  become  larger  to  display  it,  but  here 
nature  defaulted,  for  the  great  did  not  grow  larger,  and 
the  poles  were  brought  in  to  correct  nature's  defect.  The 
name  followed  the  pole  in  length.  If  a  man's  pole  was  one 
rin  long  his  name  was  Rin;  if  five  rins,  it  was  Rin-Rin- 
Rin-Rin-Rin ;  if  one  hundred  or  a  thousand  rins,  it  was 
Rin  repeated  as  many  times.  Since  there  was  no  sound 
in  the  entire  vocabulary  of  names  but  rin,  people  were 
distinguished  from  one  another  not  by  divers  sounds  as  with 
us,  but  by  the  number  of  these  rins  they  were  entitled  to 
be  called,  and  their  names  changed  and  enlarged  as  they 
grew  greater.  It  was  one  of  the  strictest  etiquets  of  the 
land  that  when  a  great  or  big  personage  was  addressed 


6o  THE   HORROBOOS 

his  full  name  was  to  be  pronounced  unless  the  bitterest 
insolence  were  designed,  tliat  is  to  say,  he  could  not  be 
spoken  to  as  Thirty  Rins,  but  as  Rin  pronounced  separately 
thirty  times  in  succession.  To  omit  one  was  equivalent  to 
stepping  on  his  toes  or  spitting  in  his  face.  Thus  familiar- 
ity of  intercourse  from  the  low  toward  the  high  was  dis- 
couraged by  the  labor  of  approach;  thus  conversation  be- 
tween the  great  was  rendered  easy  and  affable,  as  they 
spent  most  of  their  time  in  the  dignified  ceremony  of  ad- 
dressing each  other  by  name.  Flatterers  who  wished  to 
ingratiate  themselves  with  the  great  followed  them  about 
enunciating  their  syllables,  to  keep  them  conscious  of  their 
extent;  and  they  had  a  machine  which  said  Rin  and  could 
be  so  adjusted  as  to  recite  a  man's  name,  pause  a  moment 
and  begin  again,  by  the  musical  self-adulation  of  which 
the  great  were  wont  to  sink  to  sleep.  While  an  American 
would  be  improving  himself  reading  in  his  family  news- 
paper about  the  latest  murders,  the  Rinyo  would  serenely 
sit  listening  to  his  name  in  this  machine.  When  a  guest 
visited  an  aristocrat  the  speaking  machine  was  altered  to 
the  number  of  his  rins  in  welcome,  and  then  made  to  alter- 
nate the  names  of  visitor  and  host,  thus  carrying  on  a  glow- 
ing conversation  back  and  forth  for  any  length  of  time 
without  exertion  of  the  great  men's  intellects  or  vocal 
organs.  Titles  learned  and  aristocratical  were  held  in  de- 
rision there  as  opposed  to  the  democratic  simplicity  of  the 
country;  all  were  recognized  as  equal  and  alike  because  the 
basis  of  the  names  of  all  was  Rin. 

It  was  trying.  Here  at  my  feet  lay  the  princely  material 
for  a  thousand  multi-millionaires,  and  I  was  prevented 
from  gathering  it  by  a  brace  of  mammoth  farces  which  this 
benighted  anthropophagus  called  social  institutions!  I 
could  have  trampled  on  him,  in  theory.  A  better  plan  sug- 
gested itself. 

"Why  not,"  I  proposed,  "invent  some  useful  practice  to 


CONDEMNED  TO   DEATH  6l 

take  the  place  of  these  outrageous  abortions,  these  hollow 
distortionate  follies  for  which  there  are  no  suitable  words 
in  my  mind,  something  that  would  represent  real  worth  and 
do  the  people's  souls  good  in  the  performance?" 

He  replied :  "Tell  me,  cloud-born  ambassador,  if  you 
know  human  weaknesses  as  well  as  one  in  your  high  office 
should,  what  custom  could  be  more  perfectly  suited  to  a 
humanity  composed  of  mud  and  murder  than  one  which 
fully  accomplishes  its  end  and  leaves  no  restive  surplus 
energy  or  thought  behind  to  trouble  rulers?  These  mar- 
velous habits  of  the  tongue  and  pole  are  fitted  to  the  soul 
of  man  like  skin  to  his  flesh ;  all  the  pulsing  yearnings  and 
vasty  attributes  of  his  nature  are  satisfied ;  in  what  he  does 
it  is  true  there  is  no  invasion  of  intelligence,  but  no  intelli- 
gence is  there  to  invade;  becheated  to  be  sure  through  all 
his  bootless  days,  I  acknowledge  that  he  is  forever  kept 
in  the  midnight  zone  of  the  quadrupedal  brutes,  but  is  not 
his  life  filled  and  cloyed  with  his  deeds  of  crazy  foolish- 
ness? And  can  you  say  more  of  any  people?  Are  not  his 
brain  and  body  busied  to  repletion?  He  makes  no  trouble, 
and  does  not  our  political  system  flourish  unimpaired  for- 
ever? If  I  can  raise  a  towering,  noble,  proud,  imposing 
hierarchy  on  the  grotesque  glittering  humbug  of  licking 
my  stainless  feet,  and  elevate  cringing  licking  into  the  grand- 
est principle  of  human  conduct,  dignify  it  as  a  system  and 
saturate  my  kind  with  a  reverential  sense  of  its  mystery 
and  majesty,  if  I  can  guilefully  entice  all  creeping  human 
things  to  extinguish  their  strength  in  spurious  education  for 
this  fulsome  licking,  and  fix  a  terrible  pole  upon  their  backs 
to  indicate  and  blazon  their  proficiency  and  drain  off  their 
strength  in  blisters,  and  let  them  add  seventy  rins  or  more 
together  to  construct  their  names,  and  they  do  not  perceive 
that  they  belong  to  the  glorified  kingdom  of  imbeciles, 
asses  and  bats,  than  whom  the  born  dead  are  more  rational 
because  they  do  nothing,  what  more  can  you  ask  of  a  cus- 


62  THE    HORROBOOS 

torn?  Have  customs  any  other  use?  Were  you  ever  in 
a  better  regulated  society?  And  is  not  that  the  summum 
bonum  of  savagery?  Do  not  our  people  work  from  the 
first  crowing  of  the  eastern  sun  till  it  recalls  its  flock 
of  beams  into  the  silent  hennery  of  night,  for  the  customary 
stipend  of  emptiness,  sickness,  sorrow,  poverty  and  death? 
Do  they  not  fulfil  man's  proper  destiny?  Do  they  know 
what  it  is  to  think,  hold  up  their  heads  without  an  irresist- 
ible desire  to  fawn  upon  and  lick  a  fellow  cannibal,  or 
stretch  their  limbs  and  run  at  liberty  without  those  deadly 
poles  to  cover  them  with  sores  and  break  their  backs  ?  No. 
If  they  knew  that  they  are  fools,  I  do  not  see  what  would 
become  of  society;  government  could  not  be  carried  on  a 
day ;  humanity  would  fly  apart  into  murderously  discordant 
atoms.  And,  truth  is,  they  are  all  now  as  happy  as  can  be : 
while  doing  reasonable  and  sensible  things  would  crush 
them  down  in  suicidal  desolation."  A  look  of  real  affection 
came  into  the  great  Crowned  Head's  eyes  as  he  spoke  these 
grand  truths,  and  I  loved  him. 

I  spent  Sunday  considering  how  to  meet  the  business 
crisis,  even  refraining  from  going  up  in  the  afternoon  to 
hear  the  guardian  of  the  idol  Iztaph  give  a  public  disquisi- 
tion on  the  beauty  of  that  deity's  face,  which  looked  to  me 
like  the  battered  front  of  a  stove.  He  was  the  god  of  art, 
I  believe.  They  kindled  a  fire  in  the  idol's  mouth  whenever 
he  was  to  be  esthetically  shown  ofif.  The  pole  of  the  guar- 
dian of  this  wonderful  object  was  so  long  that  no  one 
could  come  within  the  sound  of  his  voice,  nevertheless  all 
the  tribe  were  required  to  attend  the  exhibition  or  lose 
their  heads.  Having  cleared  not  so  much  as  a  thousand 
dollars  the  previous  week  I  was  angry  enough  to  take  the 
risk  of  decapitation.  At  about  four  o'clock — they  always 
had  a  late  dinner  on  Sunday  owing  to  the  elongated  elo- 
quence of  the  Idol-Guard — King  Milto  came  toward  my 
apartment  with   several   athletes   bearing  the   decapitation 


CONDEMNED  TO  DEATH  63 

apparatus.  He  was  in  a  famished  mood  and  his  native  in- 
stincts were  choking  down  the  Christian  impulses  I  had 
stowed  away  in  him ;  he  was  counting  on  me  for  the  Sunday 
roast.  I  took  a  desperate  resolution  as  they  approached  on 
the  run.  Drawing  a  dozen  sulphurous  and  deadly  cigars 
from  a  pocket  in  the  rock  where  I  had  them  secreted,  and 
an  innocent  and  delicious  one  from  my  case,  I  lighted  the 
latter  and  began  to  puff  volcanically. 

"Hold!"  cried  I  as  they  thundered  up,  "I  am  commun- 
ing with  our  deity :  whoever  enters  my  office  without  this 
talisman  in  his  mouth  will  be  struck  dead." 

They  were  a  superstitious  crew  to  whom  tobacco  smok- 
ing was  still  to  be  revealed,  and  they  recoiled  in  dread  at 
my  threat. 

"I  know  your  purpose,"  continued  I.  "and  we  shall  see 
if  it  meets  with  the  favor  of  Omnipotent  Nothing.  Sample 
this  weed,  and  if  it  agrees  with  your  stomachs  the  Eternally 
Hidden  is  pleased,  if  not  he  is  offended  at  your  conspiracy 
against  my  life,  and  you  will  have  to  take  your  chopping 
machine  home." 

Lighting  the  cigars,  which  were  saturated  with  pow- 
erful ingredients,  for  one  must  never  go  as  a  missionary 
without  a  few  contrivances  to  wheedle  destiny,  I  handed 
them  around  and  awaited  results.  They  were  not  slow  in 
coming.  While  the  awful  monarch  and  his  nobility  lay  on 
my  floor  weltering  in  their  indiscretion,  I  smoked  on  with 
my  usual  pleasure  in  the  sustaining  fruit,  verifying  my 
claim  to  a  cloudy  extraction.  The  African  system  in  those 
parts  is  sadly  affected  by  drugs  if  they  be  choice  and  pow- 
erful— almost  as  by  deadly  poisons.  Seeing  them  so  livid 
and  retched  I  dragged  them  out  into  the  fresh  peace  of 
the  Sabbath  afternoon  and  hurriedly  sent  for  the  national 
rubbers  to  seduce  their  coagulating  blood  into  circulation. 
Terrified  crowds  came  hurrying  in  great  panic  on  learning 
that  their  beloved  King  had  fallen  in  a  fit,  nor  had  any  the 


64  THE    HORROBOOS 

strength  to  rub,  in  their  dread  of  his  impending  dissolu- 
tion. They  thought  if  he  departed  there  would  be  a  final 
winding  up  of  things,  that  the  light  would  vanish  and  the 
sun  cease  to  blush  in  heaven,  and  that  their  food  supply 
would  depart  in  company  with  his  defunct  essence.  These 
seem  to  be  the  religious  tenets  of  warm  countries,  eradicable 
I  suspect  only  by  killing  a  new  king  each  day  for  many 
years  as  a  lesson.  Taking  advantage  of  their  stupefaction 
I  explained  that  their  royal  earthly  father  was  being  chast- 
ened by  their  heavenly  one  for  offensive  designs  on  my 
life,  and  assured  them  that  the  same  condign  discipline 
would  overtake  them  all  if  the  attempted  profanation  of 
me  recurred.  I  then  gave  His  Majesty  morphine  and  soon 
had  him  comfortably  snoring. 


CHAPTER  XI 
I  Begin  to  Civilize  the  Rinyos 

Milto  was  able  to  sit  up  the  next  day  but  not  to  work, 
so  we  made  a  holiday  of  it,  I  improving  the  idleness  to 
expatiate  upon  the  decision  I  had  formed, 

"These  poles,"  said  I,  "must  come  off  during  working 
hours,  I  am  resolved  upon  that.  In  working  hours  there  is 
equality  of  all  before  the  employer.  The  Law  of  Work, 
and  the  fact  that  you  all  work  for  me  settle  that.  It  is 
an  undisputed  fact  in  the  first  theologies  that  if  a  number 
of  unequal  persons  love  the  same  Being  they  are  thereby 
made  equal  among  themselves  by  an  invisible  theological 
equality.  It  doesn't  affect  life.  So  it  is  in  Toil.  If  they 
work  for  the  same  being  they  likewise  become  equal  to  each 
other  while  they  work.  The  law  of  work  clearly  enunciates 
that  whoever  works  for  a  master  shall  expend  all  his 
strength — now  the  exertion  put  forth  by  all  is  thus  equal. 


I  CIVILIZE  THE  RINYOS  65 

though  they  may  not  possess  equal  force,  and  by  this  doc- 
trine of  equal  exertion  all  workers  are  brought  to  a  level. 
To  enforce  my  decision  and  convince  the  people  that  my 
authority  is  supreme,  on  the  morrow  you  must  lick  my  feet 
in  the  presence  of  the  host,  for  since  I  am  Proprietor  of 
the  Earth,  I  am  lord  of  all  that  is  upon  it,  yourself  and  your 
tribe  with  the  rest." 

Milto  could  not  seem  to  digest  this  caustic  proposition; 
I  dreaded  his  balking  at  this  stage.  It  is  one  of  a  missionary's 
chief  tribulations  that  a  savage  is  wanting  in  mental  back- 
ground. I  am  convinced  that  there  are  no  inborn  ideas  of 
natural  right,  at  least  not  in  savages.  (Those  of  natural 
wrong  are  numerous.)  If  there  were,  Milto  would  have 
seen  that  having  ceded  the  development  of  the  earth  to  me 
he  thenceforth  dwelt  upon  it  and  breathed  its  air  by  my 
merciful  forbearance.  I  bore  him  no  illwill,  but  I  firmly 
desired  what  was  mine.  Before  I  came  into  possession  of 
the  earth  his  right  to  live  on  it  was  as  good  and  free  as 
anyone's;  now  however  that  the  control  of  the  earth  was 
mine,  he  must  earn  his  right  to  live ;  he  no  longer  possessed 
anything  inalienable  but  the  right  to  earn,  and  not  that 
unless  I  supplied  him  with  it.  He  was  in  no  sense  my  slave, 
he  might  wander  forth  into  the  desert  with  his  tribe  to 
found  some  new  realm,  for  my  conscience  was  clear  on 
the  point  that  he  had  not  conveyed  to  me  the  whole  of 
Africa,  nor  his  body.  I  was  morally  proud  to  inform  him 
that  he  was  free.  His  body  was  still  his  own — not  in  con- 
tinuity, which  would  have  implied  a  right  to  something  to 
continue  it  on,  but  simply  so  long  as  it  could  persist  with 
the  food  and  vital  fire  stored  already  inside  it.  To  this 
plain  distinction,  resting  deep  in  the  fiber  of  human  pros- 
perity, I  invited  Milto's  prayerful  reflection.  I  was  sorry 
he  had  no  lawyers  to  reflect  and  pray  with  him.  I  showed 
him  that  the  sacred  rights  of  human  freedom,  won  chiefly 
at  Bunker  Hill  I  believe,  would  allow  him  to  wander  through 


e/S  THE    HORROBOOS 

the  world  along  the  sweet  paths  of  his  infancy,  unmolested, 
unshot,  unimprisoned  for  theft,  if  he  kept  his  hands  off  the 
food  that  he  had  transferred  to  me  as  earth's  proprietor. 
"What  more  can  you  wish?"  said  I, — "nothing  is  more 
perfect  than  perfect  freedom.  You  have  a  free  body,  make 
the  most  of  it  while  it  lasts,  which  will  be  from  twenty  to 
forty  days  if  you  avoid  exercise.  There  is  a  difference  as 
large  as  the  decalogue  between  the  freedom  to  saunter 
across  the  world  in  any  direction  that  you  love,  while  the 
food  within  you  holds  out,  and  the  right  to  feed  yourself 
anew  from  food  not  in  you,  when  you  have  made  over  the 
earth  to  a  more  thrifty  and  deserving  neighbor." 

Still,   if  he  had   emigrated   he  would  have  done  me  a 
ghastly  injustice  and  I  should  have  had  a  grudge  against 
him;  his  cession  of  the  care  of  the  earth  was  of  limited 
value  if  he  did  not  stay  to  work  upon  it  for  me,  which  I 
considered  that  he  had  tacitly  pledged  to  do  when  he  estab- 
lished me  as  its  master.    A  section  of  this  lowly  foot-stool 
is  of  little  worth  if  those  on  it  are  not  of  normal  formation; 
they  must  be  powerfully  attached  to  their  birth-place,  that 
they  may  be  willing  to  work  for  the  new  owner  without 
stipulating  for  profit  if  he  magnanimously  grants  them  the 
occupancy  of  the  spot  where  their  free  ancestors  lived  and 
laughed  and  reveled  and  died.     I  conceive  that  when  de- 
scendants refuse  to  do  this  they  very  ungratefully  if  not 
criminally  attack  property  rights.     I  had  accepted  the  posi- 
tion of  master  of  the  Rinyo  soil  in  good  faith,  in  return 
for  it  intending  to  give  them  the  blessings  of  new  ideas, 
far  away  from  home,  at  the  sacrifice  of  my  comfort  and 
pleasure,  postponing  marriage  and  a  seat  in  the  senate; 
I  was  instructing  them  in  the  new  duties  which  the  higher 
moral  sphere  upon  which  they  had  embarked  entailed;  I 
was  teaching  them  to  know  mine  from  thine,  particularly 
mine  and  not  thine,  if  not  for  their  use  and  advantage  in 
this  world,  at  least  that  they  might  enter  the  society  of  civil- 


I  CIVILIZE  THE  RINYOS  67 

ized  persons  in  the  life  to  come  without  ignorance  and  em- 
barrassment. I  demanded  common  requital,  all  that  they 
had  was  enough,  and  that  was  legally  mine;  I  resolved  to 
plant  the  incurable  seeds  of  civilization  in  their  substance 
and  leave  Providence  to  do  the  watering,  to  make  them 
sprout  into  a  race  like  the  Americans,  if  He  cared  for  anoth- 
er of  that  brand. 

The  distinguished  monarch  broke  the  silence  with  an  un- 
certain voice:  "I  made  you  Developer  of  the  Earth,  did 
I  not?  And  if  I  created  you  to  that  position  am  I  not 
higher  than  you?" 

"You  were,  but  are  so  no  longer,  since  you  made  me 
higher;  Developer  of  the  Earth  is  the  highest  place  there 
can  be;  if  you  decline  to  consider  me  paramount,  having 
made  me  so,  it  refutes  your  paramountcy,  it  cuts  a  gash  in 
your  absolute  authority,  all  your  acts  and  decrees  will  be 
despised  as  impotent  if  this  one  is  so.  You  elevated  me 
into  the  mastership  of  the  earth  and  all  the  measureless 
rights  of  that  dignity;  you  must  hereafter  bow  to,  worship 
and  obey  me,  enforcing  equal  veneration  on  your  subjects, 
for  it  is  clearly  to  be  seen  that  is  your  authority  unequal  to 
the  exact  extortion  of  your  personal  behests  it  is  good  for 
nothing.  Having  lifted  me  to  the  loftiest  promontory  of 
power  you  preserve  lordship  over  me  by  obeying  me,  be- 
cause you  are  then  paying  obedience  to  yourself;  but,  hav- 
ing raised  me  up,  if  you  fail  in  obedience  you  launch  a 
thrust  at  your  perfect  prestige ;  for  when,  having  placed 
another's  foot  on  your  neck,  you  falter  and  fail  to  keep  it 
there,  lo  it  is  your  own  priceless  predominance  that  you 
impugn.  So  in  order  to  maintain  your  supremacy  you  must 
hold  me  principal  and  supreme  over  you,  in  all  acts  doing 
faithful  service  and  obedience  to  myself  as  your  chief;  and 
in  my  despotic  autocracy  I  shall  be  only  supporting,  illus- 
trating and  confirming  your  sovereignty,  whicli  made  me 
what  I  am.     I  shall  see  that  you  serve  me  faithfully  and 


68  THE    HORROBOOS 

docilely,  in  doing  so  adding  brighter  luster  to  your  superla- 
tive self." 

He  was  convicted  by  this  unanswerable  blending  of  poetry 
and  logic,  as  of  course  I  knew  he  would  be,  since  it  has  con- 
quered shrewd  civilized  men  thousands  of  times  in  the  name 
of  the  State,  and  on  the  morrow  he  walked  feebly  to  the 
works  and  declared  himself  my  leal  subject  by  licking  my 
feet  before  the  devoted  eyes  of  the  concourse.  In  the 
melodic  Rinyoese  I  had  framed  for  him  he  recited  the  royal 
manifesto  covenanting  that  as  master  of  the  earth  I  became 
principal  in  power  through  the  efficacy  of  his  mighty  high 
inviolable  edict,  that  unless  I  was  super-lord  over  the  earth 
and  everything  in  and  on  it  including  him,  his  subjects  and 
his  expectations,  he,  my  maker,  would  cease  to  be  sovereign  ; 
and  at  my  extempore  instigation  he  also  expounded  how 
he,  as  embodiment,  essence,  soul  and  life  of  the  people,  ac- 
cording to  proper  theories  of  government,  acted  for  them 
all  in  this  circumstance  and  carried  their  submission  in  his 
deed.  To  make  assurance  secure  I  suggested  that  the 
council  of  the  superannuate  sages  be  called  in  to  ratify  the 
proceeding,  which  was  done  with  the  aid  of  wheelbarrows. 
The  tribe  took  the  whole  in  good  part,  encouraging  me  by 
their  good  humor  to  broach  my  clever  design  against  the 
poles.  It  was  no  less  impolitic  than  inhuman  to  fly  in  the 
face  of  their  deeper  instincts  when  a  wise  head  could  make 
them  pull  together  in  the  interest  of  civilization ;  it  was  not 
best  to  eradicate  their  impulse  to  lick,  but  to  turn  it  into 
one  of  the  world's  broad  channels  and  extract  the  private 
fortunes  happily  saturating  it.  The  licking  habit  should 
be  made  to  dredge  my  gold. 

I  had  triumphed  over  the  King  through  the  power  of 
conscience.  I  wrote  a  paragraph  in  my  journal  to  show 
that  savages  respond  to  intelligent  arguments,  they  yield 
to  motives  of  duty  if  its  finer  shades  are  patiently  disclosed, 
by  sheer  force  of  character    I    had    subjugated   the   brute 


I  CIVILIZE  THE  RINYOS  69 

propensities  of  this  fierce  King;  high  principle  always  sub- 
dues low  principle  or  unprinciple,  thought  I ;  I  remembered 
that  a  successful  American  moralist  of  pleasing  ability  and 
a  power  to  see  more  sides  of  everything  than  it  possessed, 
had  described  character  as  of  a  stellar  and  undiminishable 
greatness;  he  said  of  the  man  of  character  that  'his  vic- 
tories are  by  demonstration  of  superiority,  and  not  by 
crossing  of  bayonets — he  conquers  because  his  arrival  alters 
the  face  of  affairs,'  and  this  beautiful  thought,  I  said,  shall 
be  my  light  and  guidance  here.  Thus  inspired  I  addressed 
the  throng. 

"In  labor,"  said  I  in  tones  of  euphonious  persuasion,  "all 
men  are  equal;  it  is  only  in  the  attributes  of  idleness  and 
uselessness  that  they  are  unequal  and  superior  one  over  an- 
other; those  who  are  idlest  are  always  the  greatest,  and  in 
all  times  and  places  the  most  useless  are  those  most  highly 
praised  and  reverenced  and  pampered  by  their  fellows. 
This  is  part  of  the  perfect  plan  installed  by  the  Promoter 
of  Creation,  for  had  it  not  been  so  would  this  beautiful 
custom  always  have  prevailed  over  the  earth?  It  is  by  this 
argument  that  we  prove  God's  existence,  for  when  we  con- 
sider the  terrible  condition  of  mankind  we  understand  that 
the  greatest  being  in  the  universe  is  also  the  idlest.  And 
the  same  principle  establishes  the  sanctity  of  all  the  world's 
rottenness.  Being  equal  while  you  work,  and  all  standing 
upon  the  lowest  level  known  to  man  or  ape,  you  can  lay 
aside  your  poles,  to  compensate  for  which  I  will  permit  you 
to  wear  them  in  your  sleep,  a  time  of  conspicuous  idleness 
and  greatness,  and  vouchsafe  to  you  several  other  privi- 
leges, while  on  your  part  you  must  steadfastly  pursue  your 
education  in  licking  to  prepare  yourselves  to  work  for  me 
more  ably  and  intelligently.  Those  who  make  the  greatest 
progress  in  licking  shall  do  ever  less  of  the  work,  until  the 
perfect  in  that  discipline,  the  King's  Feet  and  the  Forty 
Respectables,  shall  be  altogether  exempt  from  useful  toil 


70 


THE  HORROBOOS 


and  do  nothing  but  wear  their  poles  and  walk  in  the  pres- 
ence of  the  laborious  multitude  to  create  envy  and  stimulate 
exertion." 

I  was  here  interrupted  by  a  frenzied  huzza,  from  which 
it  was  evident  that  they  fell  in  with  the  pregnant  modern 
idea  that  while  successful  licking  is  the  best  schooling  for 
all  work,  its  proper  reward  is  the  privilege  of  doing  noth- 
ing and  of  rendering  the  toil  of  others  as  bitter  as  possible. 
Having  baited  this  several-pronged  hook  with  more  freshly 
killed  syllogisms  I  conceived  that  they  would  be  as  tame 
as  I  could  desire. 

To  complete  the  new  social  system  I  was  founding  on 
the  bulwarks  of  civilization,  I  increased  the  dimensions  of 
their  poles  four  times,  which  caused  them  to  nearly  expire 
with  weight  and  happiness,  and  to  experience  the  same 
satisfaction  from  wearing  them  a  little  while  that  they  had 
formerly  derived  from  doing  so  the  entire  day.  This  end 
was  further  promoted  by  an  ordinance  I  published  permit- 
ting them  all  to  appear  in  a  public  place  after  supper  and 
the  end  of  the  day's  work  with  their  poles  on  their  haunches. 
Upon  this  terrace  they  strutted  up  and  down  at  pole  distance 
from  one  another,  dolefully  dragged  out  in  aspect,  yet  swag- 
gering mightily,  never  exchanging  a  word,  many  of  them  so 
weary  with  the  day's  gold-seeking  and  the  gravity  of  the 
poles  that  they  could  hardly  stand  up,  enjoying  the  isolation 
and  relative  superiority  over  those  below  them  extremely. 
Even  the  shortest-poled  ones,  the  most  spurned  and  meanest 
of  all,  having  no  superiority  over  any  one  to  brag  about, 
manifested  a  truculent  pride  in  the  superiority  of  their 
inferiority. 

They  eagerly  adopted  the  proposition  of  wearing  their 
poles  to  bed,  although  it  was  accompanied  with  some  in- 
conveniences. They  could  only  sleep  in  one  position,  name- 
ly upon  their  backs,  for  if  they  tried  it  on  their  stomachs 
the  poles'  weight  soon  drove  them  again    to    their   backs. 


I  CIVILIZE  THE  RINYOS  ^I 

Even  in  the  latter  position  it  was  quite  painful  to  have  so 
considerable  a  hump  in  the  small  of  their  spinal  column  to 
lie  upon,  as  any  of  you  may  discover  for  himself  by  trying 
it  with  a  stick  of  wood.  Naturally  their  rest  was  badly 
broken,  as  I  could  see  by  their  sunken  eyes,  haggard  looks, 
the  distress  to  their  health,  but  their  happiness  was  touch- 
ingly  increased  and  I  thought  their  working  powers  would 
last  till  as  much  gold  was  mined  as  I  could  handle. 

My  decree  upon  second  thought,  that  the  best  educated, 
the  Illustrious  in  fact,  including  the  King,  were  not  to  work 
at  all,  but  should  spend  the  days  promenading  forward  and 
backward  on  an  eminence  in  the  presence  of  the  diggers, 
that  the  latter  might  envy  them  and  work  with  more  spirit! 
proved  a  most  brilliant  conception.    They  were  to  walk  on 
certain  lines  marked  out  for  them,  from  which  they  could 
not  deviate  without  degradation ;     their    poles     being    the 
largest  of  all  were  of  such  fearful  pressure  that  merely  to 
lift  them  was  a  dangerous  strain,  but  the  grand  characters 
never  faltered  the  whole  day  through,  carrying  them  up 
and  down,  streaming  with  perspiration    and    deadly    faint 
with  fatigue,  sustained  by  the  consciousness  of  their  exal- 
tation and  nerved  by  the  excruciating  duties  of  their  fas- 
tidious sphere.     From  time  to  time  one  died,  only  to  leave 
his  place  to  be  begged  for  by  a  hundred  passionate  appli- 
cants.   In  fact,  by  my  astute  arrangement  of  the  poles,  the 
grandees  worked  harder  than  the  wretches  who  were  claw- 
ing out  the  gold,  but  since   their    efforts    were    connected 
solely  with  honor,  and  producd  no  product  but  envy,  they 
were  humbled  and  adulterated  with  none  of  the  repugnant 
attributes  of  labor.     Once  each  day  I  had  the  King  pub- 
licly hck  my  feet  to  testify  that  our  compact  of  my  supre- 
macy was  inviolable.     He  had  never  worked  or  borne  a 
pole  before  and  it  wore  on  him;  I  figured  that  it  would  not 
be  many  years  before  he  could  creditably  join  the  council 
of  the  centuries. 


72  THE    HORROBOOS 

With  the  gold,  however,  we  made  splendid  speed  under 
the  new  regime,  the  second  week  bringing  in  a  mighty  pile 
of  riches.  When  you  reflect  that  I  paid  the  people  nothing, 
merely  permitting  them  to  collect  their  scraps  of  food  at 
odd  times  or  to  wheedle  a  small  supply  out  of  the  women — 
if  they  could  ever  be  enticed  away  from  a  peculiar  inexpli- 
cable feminine  occupation  of  theirs  connected  with  leaves — 
and  to  sleep  on  the  earth,  you  may  agree  with  me  that  I  was 
a  good  business  man.  An  acre  lot  is  a  fine  bed,  sometimes 
moist  and  springy,  and  this  furniture  was  cheap  and  plenty. 
The  gradations  of  honor  which  I  had  affixed  to  them,  and 
the  various  ranks  of  jealousy  portioned  out  with  nice  per- 
ception, were  ample  tether  to  hold  the  race  tramping  round 
the  treadmill  goal  of  duty.  Lest  the  tropical  abundance  of 
their  passions  and  their  unregenerate  love  of  liberty  should 
impel  them  to  error,  I  kept  them  well  jaded  with  honest 
toil  and  their  evening  recreation  with  the  poles,  so  that 
they  hadn't  a  spark  of  fire  for  revolution  or  righteousness 
even  if  they  had  known  what  these  were. 


CHAPTER  XII 

The  White  Caravan 

The  day  was  approaching  when  the  caravan  of  white 
prospectors  was  to  pass  near  the  King's  realm  on  its  way 
to  the  deeper  interior  for  gold.  The  King's  scouts  contin- 
ually informed  him  of  its  progress  and  reported  the  minute 
details  of  its  composition.  There  were  twenty  white  men 
in  the  company,  with  twice  as  many  native  servants  and 
guides ;  the  whites,  said  our  scouts,  carried  something  re- 
sembling their  poles,  but  no  longer  than  the  shortest,  which 
sometimes  made  a  terrible  noise,  and  smoked  as  I  had  done 
at  the  time  of  the  King's  disease,  whence  the  spies  con- 


THE  WHITE  CARAVAN  73 

eluded  that  they  were  all  gods  like  myself.  These  com- 
mercial pilgrims,  the  first  that  had  ever  entered  that  coun- 
try, for  my  design  in  coming  was  rather  Biblical  than  mer- 
cenary, were  bearing  fifty  miles  to  the  south  of  our  na- 
tion, ignorant  of  the  gold  which  it  sheltered.  There  was 
nothing  to  be  feared  from  them ;  however  it  suited  both  the 
King's  plans  and  my  own,  for  diverse  reasons,  that  they 
should  be  destroyed.  He  craved  a  supply  of  human  meat 
of  some  new  variety  and  a  holiday  from  the  drudgery  I  was 
imposing,  as  well  as  the  camels  and  general  plunder;  I 
coveted  their  picks  and  shovels  and  other  gold-getting  im- 
plements, fearing  also  that  they  might  survive  to  return  our 
way  and  confiscate  the  millions  I  was  amassing.  Neverthe- 
less, for  politic  reasons  I  would  not  assume  responsibility 
for  the  attack,  nor  did  I  intend  to  be  visible  in  the  cam- 
paign. If  any  of  the  immigrants  fled  back  to  the  coast  and 
returned  with  an  English  host  to  exterminate  the  Rinyo 
tribe  for  discipline  and  take  their  gold  for  indemnity,  I 
wished  to  be  sincerely  able  to  say  that  I  was  a  prisoner  there 
working  under  the  greed  and  constraint  of  a  cruel  nigger 
Kmg.  ^  At  the  same  time  I  shrewdly  planned  the  onslaught 
for  His  Royal  Highness  so  that  none  of  his  enemies  might 
escape. 

When  he  came  to  me  for  permission  to  strike  work  for 
several  days  to  conduct  this  excursion— it  was  his  custom 
now  to  rely  on  me  in  the  main  in  all  matters— I  assured  him 
the  afifair  of  the  caravan  was  in  his  hands,  not  mine,  that 
I  was  ignorant  of  the  customs  of  his  people  in  regard  to 
the  treatment  of  caravans  and  could  not  interfere,  that  as  a 
missionary  I  wished  to  be  governed  as  far  as  possible  in 
my  conduct  by  their  moral  code,  for  I  considered  that  what- 
ever morality  had  naturally  grown  up  in  a  region  was 
suited  to  and  right  for  that  region,  and  that  if  they  came 
to  believe  on  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ  as  I  hoped  in  time  they 
would  from  seeing  my  prosperity,  details  of  moral  action 


74  THE    HORROBOOS 

would  not  count  at  all  on  the  Judgment  Day,  that  I  would 
accompany  them  to  the  scene  of  crime  disguised  as  a  savage 
and  under  his  orders. 

There  was  a  small  desert  in  the  invaders'  line  of  march, 
with  an  oasis  near  the  center;  it  was  here  that  their  guides 
planned  a  camp  for  the  night  and  here  that  by  my  sugges- 
tion King  Milto  projected  a  thoroughly  artistic  slaughter. 
I  prompted  him  to  throw  forward  a  thousand  of  his  trus- 
tiest warriors,  who  should  secrete  themselves  in  the  trees 
immediately  environing  the  spring  of  the  oasis,  whence 
they  could  let  themselves  drop  suddenly  upon  the  newly 
arrived  company  while  they  were  drinking,  catching  them 
off  their  guard  and  weary,  with  their  arms  laid  aside.  A 
large  body  of  troops  was  to  encircle  the  entire  green  island 
in  careful  seclusion,  so  that  if  a  single  fugitive,  white  or 
black,  escaped  he  might  be  expeditiously  slain.  With  five 
thousand  infantry,  part  of  whom  were  women,  the  flower 
of  his  battalions,  the  King  in  person  was  to  lie  waiting  in 
the  vicinity  of  the  spring  and  all  were  to  cry  out  ferociously 
when  their  comrades  leaped  from  the  trees,  to  increase  the 
consternation.  I  deemed  that  it  would  be  an  exceedingly 
well-balanced  caravan  to  resist  these  engines  of  confusion, 
and  happily  this  one  was  not  made  for  extraordinary 
achievements.  There  were  few  heroes  in  it,  for  all  suc- 
cumbed shamefully  to  the  first  blow  on  the  back ;  every  man 
of  it  fell  by  the  spear,  or,  if  I  am  more  literal,  being  already 
fallen  down  to  drink,  the  spear  transfixed  him  to  the  earth, 
and  our  army  came  off  unscratched  but  for  a  few  broken 
bones  acquired  in  falling  from  the  trees.  Through  this 
amazing  exploit  I  approached  nearer  than  ever  in  the  be- 
nighted minds  of  my  adopted  countrymen  to  absolute  iden- 
tity with  the  Infinite  Ether.  I  held  a  praise  meeting  which 
led  to  some  spiritual  results  I  am  bound  to  believe ;  at  all 
events  it  introduced  a  good  custom  and  was  the  foundation 
of  religious  revivals  in  that  Principality.     There  was  glor- 


THE  WHITE  CARAVAN  75 

ious  plunder,  both  in  gold-digging  and  transportation  ma- 
terial of  the  kind  I  should  need  for  moving  my  golden 
masses,  and  in  kickshaws  such  as  the  natives  valued  far 
above  the  things  of  the  spirit  and  all  those  of  real  import  in 
connection  with  human  progress.  As  I  witnessed  them 
transported  with  joy  over  their  fabulous  nothings,  I  almost 
wished  I  might  throw  oflf  the  load  of  human  responsibility 
resting  upon  me  and  my  race  as  advance  agents  of  peace, 
happiness,  clothes,  wages,  school  books,  Christ,  alcohol,  tu- 
berculosis and  syphilis,  to  enjoy  untrammeled  the  serene 
primal  sensation  of  simple  living.  'Were  it  not  for  the 
noble  part  my  gold  is  to  play  in  the  enlightenment  of  the 
world,'  I  reflected,  'giving  employment  and  food  to  many 
poor  persons  otherwise  doomed  to  starve  because  the  good 
have  taken  their  property,  turning  the  wheels  of  large  and 
useful  machines,  calming  the  fiery  avarice  of  my  relatives 
and  thus  bringing  them  into  harmony  with  Eternal  Love, 
reproving  those  of  my  friends  who  doubted  the  utility  of  a 
college  education,  restoring  confidence  in  the  ministry  as  a 
practical  avenue  for  intellect  and  heart,  leading  mankind 
up  through  the  enjoyment  of  marvelous  riches  to  a  better 
appreciation  of  Heaven  and  a  stronger  desire  to  so  live  in 
the  practice  of  great  functions  on  earth  as  to  be  worthy  of 
greater  ones  in  Heaven,  I  verily  believe  I  should  lay  aside 
all  to  live  in  humble  contentment,  perhaps  joining  myself 
to  this  flexible  race  for  good  and  all  and  exerting  my  sym- 
metrical talents  to  prune  away  their  follies  and  preserve 
and  fecundate  their  sweet  natural  genius.  But  this  I  know 
to  be  a  moral  weakness ;  it  is  shirking  the  duty  which  one 
owes  to  the  cellular  hypothesis.  Fundamental  black  pro- 
toplasm, just  starting  to  creep  toward  self-discovery  in  the 
tardy  types  of  men,  irrespective  of  its  race  or  acquired  pro- 
clivities, is  to  be  shoveled  on  to  the  car  of  civilization  if  it 
is  pliant,  if  not,  it  is  to  be  ground  under  the  wheels  of 
Christian  love  or  stuflfed  into  the  red-hot  furnace  of  infinite 


'^e  THE    HORROBOOS 

mercy  to  propel  the  mighty  harmonious  engines  of  good. 
I  am  not  here  doing  this  work  altogether  because  I  desire 
to,  although  this  desire  outweighs  all  my  other  moods ;  I  am 
certainly  directed  by  the  will  of  Heaven ;  I  feel  it ;  no  one 
manufactures  his  own  wishes,  they  are  implanted  in  him 
from  above,  for  my  blessed  religion  teaches  that  God  thus 
inwardly  communicates  with  and  guides  his  believing 
children/ 

You  see,  gentlemen,  I  am  no  pessimist  and  am  a  very 
great  philosopher.  Man's  true  heavenly  lord  and  guide  is 
his  strongest  passion ;  theologians  of  an  earlier  age  taught 
the  supremacy  of  a  still  small  voice  called  conscience,  but 
I  see  no  evidence  in  the  dealings  of  my  beloved  Maker  that 
the  weak  things  or  voices  are  intended  to  control  the  loud 
and  strong;  that  sedate  little  dwarf  appendix  is  meant  only 
for  a  momentary  inhibition  of  action  until  we  can  decide 
among  our  strong  desires  which  is  the  strongest,  and  rest 
assured  that  when  we  follow  that  we  are  sailing  on  the 
bosom  of  God's  will,  steered  by  His  Grace.  My  strongest 
desire  is  for  gold ;  I  prefer  it  before  friends,  or  ease,  or  any 
quality  of  soul  that  I  have  seen  mentioned  in  the  best  sacred 
or  poetical  works ;  what  then  can  be  more  evident  than  God's 
intention  to  work  out  the  good  of  the  world  through  my 
pursuit  of  gold?  Did  He  not  implant  the  thirst  for  this 
superlative  substance  in  me  ?  And  did  He  do  it  by  mistake  ? 
Was  He  ignorant  of  his  business?  Not  at  all.  I  am 
delegated,  like  others  with  the  same  heaven-given  in- 
stinct, to  transform  the  face  of  the  earth;  it  is  the  next 
stage  of  redemption  in  God's  wise  foresight  to  save  the 
world  by  infinitesimal  degrees.  The  world  will  be  saved 
just  before  it  ends.  The  passion  for  gold  being  placed  in 
the  strongest  men  and  in  the  largest  number,  will  win,  over 
such  feeble  ardors  as  peace,  good  will,  fraternity,  duty, 
humanity  and  love,  showing  that  it  is  Jehovah's  purpose  to 
steep  the  sog)  of  man  in  greed,  cruelty  and  crime,  prepar- 


REBELLION  >j'j 

atory  to  the  eternal  life  of  brotherly  love  in  Heaven. 
Heaven  may  bloom  on  earth  when  the  world  is  a  trifle  su- 
perannuated and  mankind  gibberingly  senile,  a  few  hundred 
centuries  down  the  whitening  slope  of  time.  But  I  do  not 
presume  to  fathom  God,  which  is  not  a  practical  business 
proposition,  and  is  possibly  insulting  to  His  depth;  I  do 
His  will  as  manifested  in  the  stoutest  passions  of  my  na- 
ture, trusting  His  infinite  grace  to  perfect  my  heart  and  the 
souls  of  the  men  I  destroy,  through  his  holy  inscrutable 
ways.  When  I  chat  with  Him  at  the  throne  He  will  explain 
all.  Even  the  sandbag  may  be  an  instrument  of  divine 
glory  in  the  right  hands.  The  broken  and  contrite  heart 
and  the  battered  and  bleeding  head  are  often  paths  to  the 
same  perfection.  Since  God  teaches  us  everything  by  sor- 
row we  ought  not  to  hesitate  to  hammer  happiness  into  the 
weak  by  making  them  as  miserable  as  we  can.  Pardon  this 
digression,  it  may  be  of  service  as  the  history  proceeds. 


CHAPTER   XHI 
Rebellion 

Digging  went  on  much  faster  than  before  in  consequence 
of  the  tools,  so  fast  indeed  that  I  estimated  I  should  in  a 
few  months  have  all  the  ripe  riches  I  could  carry  from  the 
country  with  the  national  stock  of  camels  and  mules.  The 
wonders  derived  from  the  caravan  somewhat  eclipsed  my 
next  galaxy  of  toys,  unearthed  and  distributed  with  the 
same  ceremony  as  before,  but  it  kept  up  the  diversion, 
greasing  the  machinery  of  things  reasonably  for  about  two 
weeks,  when  there  were  new  mutterings  of  rebellion. 

"This  must  be  nipped  in  the  bud,  King,"  I  said  sternly, 
"it  is  a  wanton  outburst  against  your  merciful  rule,  since 
I  am  doing  business  under  your  appointment  and  guaran- 


78  THE    HORROBOOS 

tee.  You  conferred  on  me  the  privilege  of  making  your 
subjects  work,  and  pledged  that  all  movements,  mobs,  erup- 
tions, aspirations  and  disorders  should  be  put  down.  I  call 
on  you  to  keep  your  promise,  to  save  yourself  from  being 
publicly  despised  by  the  conspirators  as  weak  and  soft.  No 
government  can  stand  an  instant  which  coddles  conspira- 
tors against  itself.  It  is  incumbent  on  you  to  resent  this 
indignity  and  quell  the  outbreak." 

Although  nearly  absolute  master  of  the  King  and  hold- 
ing him  with  a  fascinating  hypnotism  of  conscience  in  all 
that  concerned  the  people,  I  was  sedulous  to  have  the  orders 
apparently  emanate  from  His  Majesty,  whom  they  obeyed 
with  organic  instinct.  Several  incipient  rebellions  of  the 
most  ominous  description  were  stifled  in  this  way,  a  number 
of  the  frailer  subjects  requiring  to  be  publicly  hanged — for 
I  was  scrupulous  to  introduce  beneficent  civilization  in 
healthy  discipline  as  well  as  in  daily  delights — before  they 
gained  an  inkling  of  their  duty  to  yield  lawful  obedience 
to  the  mandates  of  the  new  State  composed  of  me,  yet  de- 
spite this  the  perilous  outbreaks  increased  until  I  could  not 
sleep  from  fear  that  the  following  day  would  suffer  from 
my  destruction.  I  did  not  fear  death,  but  I  felt  I  owed  it 
to  Heaven,  who  had  placed  so  much  power  for  good  in  my 
hands,  to  live. 

Calling  the  multitude  together  one  morning  I  declared 
that  in  the  magnitude  of  my  benevolence  it  was  my  purpose 
to  confer  with  them  and  listen  to  their  grievances,  if  they 
had  any,  against  me,  their  most  faithful  friend,  me  who 
had  the  right  to  drive  them  into  exile  but  who  suffered 
them  to  remain,  and  blessed  them  by  dwelling  in  the  same 
land,  teaching  them  many  things.  "Why  are  you  discon- 
tented? Why  unhappy?  The  air  is  yours  and  the  light; 
I  do  not  compel  you  to  work  in  dungeons  as  I  might  by  the 
laws  of  God  and  sound  political  economy,  nor  underground ; 
I  keep  you  at  work  from  daybreak  to  dark  because  of  my 


REBELLION 


79 


loving  solicitude  for  your  morals ;  while  you  are  working 
you  cannot  do  wrong  and  your  souls  will  be  saved ;  dig  my 
gold  with  a  pure  heart  and  take  none  of  it,  and  I  will  bring 
you  up  in  the  fear  of  the  Lord — and  if  you  take  it,  in  the 
fear  of  the  Policeman;  pray,  when  your  hearts  faint  with 
labor,  when  your  backs  break,  when  your  woolly  brains 
throb  with  longing  for  the  pastimes  which  to  lead  you  into 
the  green  pastures  I  have  compelled  you  to  renounce;  pray 
in  fact  all  the  time;  when  your  stomachs  are  empty  there 
is  nothing  so  light  and  cheap  and  stimulating  as  prayer  and 
you  cannot  overeat  it ;  take  no  thought  for  the  morrow,  for 
if  you  work  as  hard  as  you  should  today  there  will  be  no 
tomorrow  for  you.  I  have  come  mainly  to  teach  you  the 
commercial  possibilities  of  prayer:  there  is  no  grief  in  the 
savage  breast  but  prayer  will  assuage  it  after  death;  no 
passion  in  the  savage  frame  but  prayer  will  extinguish  it, 
with  the  help  of  Christian  bullets  if  necessary;  nothing 
which  may  be  good  for  the  savage  but  prayer  will  help  you 
to  do  without  it,  for  be  sure  that  what  you  do  not  get  by 
prayer  you  will  not  get  in  any  other  way.  There  is  no 
toiler's  rheumatism  that  prayer  will  not  heal,  no  pain  of 
body  or  spirit  that  prayer  will  not  change  into  ravishing 
bliss  if  assisted  by  strong  drink.  Man  was  created  an  in- 
finite sufferer  purely  to  learn  the  puissance  of  prayer.  This 
world  is  a  sink  of  anguish  from  the  cradle  to  the  grave  in 
order  to  teach  people  God's  infinite  love  for  them.  The 
Devil,  who  will  make  man  suffer  a  trifle  more  hereafter, 
therefore  loves  man  a  trifle  more  than  God  does." 

Being  now  fairly  launched  in  the  tremulous  luxury  of 
preaching,  in  which  I  had  been  prophetically  facile  at  the 
seminary,  equaled  only  by  several  unprincipled  theological 
scamps  now  in  jail,  and  looking  out  upon  the  dusky  throng 
of  my  parishioners,  I  beheld  them  with  the  tender  emotions 
of  a  seer. 

"What  is  misery?    Whence  is  sorrow?    Why  do  we  feel 


8o  THE    HORROBOOS 

pain,  when  a  blessed  redeemer  sits  near  us  in  the  triumphant 
invisible,  probably  weeping?  It  is  to  learn  that  before  the 
breath  of  prayer  misery,  pain  and  sorrow  fade  away  like 
the  light  of  a  match  in  the  blast  of  a  storm.  My  hearers,  if 
I  seem  to  be  a  stern  taskmaster  it  is  to  remind  you  of  your 
father  which  is  in  heaven,  if  for  your  eternal  good  and  the 
austere  obligations  of  civilization  I  deprive  you  of  every 
happiness  you  have  known,  faint  not,  be  of  good  cheer,  re- 
member the  enormous  openings  I  make  for  you  into  the 
hereafter.  There  you  can  sit  in  idleness  forever  and  thank 
God  that  you  met  me  in  time  to  learn  the  road  to  eternal 
life;  there  you  can  evolve,  passing  cheerfully  up  from  one 
story  of  immaculate  existence  to  another,  never  overwork- 
ing, nor  sweating,  nor  hungry,  nor  sick,  nor  betrayed,  nor 
robbed,  as  you  are  here,  having  no  master  but  the  eternal 
God,  and  thrilling  day  and  night,  with  the  exquisite  vibrancy 
of  holy  passion  and  illimitable  love.  For  there  you  will 
never  slumber  or  tire.  Dearly  beloved,  I  make  you  toil 
with  no  remission  now  that  your  eternal  rest  may  be 
sweeter  when  you  stumble  home  to  the  wormy  grave;  I 
blunt  your  feelings  and  beclod  your  intellects  here  to 
sharpen  and  polish  them  for  the  infinite  feelings  they  are 
to  feel  when  this  finite  vesture  is  laid  aside  and  sick  mor- 
tality fades  into  cured  immortality ;  I  buffet  you  now  that 
the  dear  God  may  have  many  wounds  to  heal  when  you 
climb  into  the  haven  of  his  bosom,  so  that  you  may  speedily 
learn  his  pitying  fathomless  tranquil  grace  and  replenishing 
compassion.  Be  thankful  if  I  put  you  to  torture,  cause  you 
to  work  nights  as  well  as  days,  mutilate  you,  tear  mother 
from  child  and  virtue  from  maid  and  heap  all  manner  of 
blessed  infamy  upon  you,  in  the  name  of  our  Heavenly 
Lord,  rejoice  and  be  exceeding  glad,  for  I  am  his  instru- 
ment appointed  to  break  the  manacles  of  flesh  from  your 
souls  by  dreadful  scourgings  of  your  bodies ;  I  stop  at  noth- 
ing because  somewhere  you  must  experience  burning  cos- 


REBELLION  8l 

mic  wrath  before  you  can  endure  super-cosmic  light;  I 
would  like  to  append  new  faculties  of  tribulation  to  your 
earthly  organs  in  order  that  your  impending  transfiguration 
might  be  more  divine  and  my  profits  larger.  And  God  for- 
bid that  you  should  resist,  God  forbid  that  you  should  be 
your  own  stumbling-blocks  to  perfection,  welcome  all  af- 
flictions, be  humble,  be  submissive,  be  poor  of  spirit,  be- 
seech the  bountiful  Giver  of  afflictions  for  more,  and  trust 
my  ingenuity  to  apply  them  in  such  a  manner  that  you  will 
be  lacerated  to  your  full  measure  of  woe." 

I  fain  would  have  continued  speaking  in  this  vein  for  a 
much  longer  time,  for  I  felt  myself  wafted  back  to  New 
York  and  suffused  with  the  most  enlightened  emotions  that 
a  Christian  can  feel,  but  I  perceived  an  insurrection  brew- 
ing among  the  common  people.  At  one  corner  of  the  con- 
gregation certain  of  the  less  worthy  brethren  were  collect- 
ing stones  of  convenient  dimensions  to  heave,  and  the 
malcontents  seemed  to  be  gaining  converts  to  their  nefarious 
defection  from  duty  faster  than  I  to  the  sublime  truths  of 
the  noblest  religion  ever  promulgated  to  the  fallen,  and 
hastily  saying  amen  I  inquired  of  Milto  if  the  people  had 
a  complaint.  Acting  as  their  national  spokesman  the  peer- 
less chief  arose  and  declared  himself  as  follows : 

"Preeminent  Brain  (which  was  the  title  they  had  con- 
ferred upon  me  against  the  dictates  of  my  modesty),  we 
are  deeply  sensible  of  the  thousand  blessings  which  you 
have  brought  to  us  from  the  sky  and  elsewhere,  and  we 
bow  before  the  condescending  sweetness  of  your  virtues. 
Not  the  least  of  these  imperishable  gifts  is  your  godlike 
eloquence,  which  we  could  listen  to  from  the  hour  when 
first  the  ruddy  glow  of  the  time-keeper  of  heaven  speckles 
our  beautiful  bodies  until  the  flaming  teeth  of  sacrificial 
hunger  redden  them  for  the  last  time,  were  it  not  that  no 
god  has  yet  endowed  us  with  the  angelic  competence  to  live 
on  melody  alone.     You  have  permitted  us  to  enjoy  for  a 


g2  THE    HORROBOOS 

season  the  homes  of  our  forefathers;  you  preserved  our 
lives,  for  if  you  had  forced  us  to  wander  from  our  native 
land  into  the  night  we  must  have  starved  or  fallen  before 
the  iniquitous  hunger  of  wild  beasts,  or  been  consumed  by 
the  vengeful  prowess  of  competing  cannibals  in  the  pathless 
brush ;  you  have  taught  us  industry,  enabled  us  to  sleep  on 
our  poles,  conferred  upon  us  the  adorable  benefit  of  length- 
ening them  four  times ;  you  have  been  a  great  and  powerful 
promoter  of  education  in  our  midst;  you  have  established 
free  libraries  with  wealth  our  toil  created ;  and  you  support 
our  lives  by  giving  us  work  in  the  kindly  vastitude  of  your 
condescension — how  was  it  that  we  ever  lived  before  you 
came?  We  do  not  speak  of  the  presents,  which  are  from 
your  sky-ruling  brother-in-law* :  but  all  these  now  seem  as 
nothing  to  us:  we  have  observed  your  ravening  fondness 
for  gold ;  we  do  not  know  what  it  is  good  for,  or  why  you 
want  it;  but  seeing  a  god  like  you  care  for  it  with  all  the 
focused  fevers  of  his  infinite  undying  soul,  we  infer  that  it 
must  be  good  for  something,  and  you  can't  blame  us  for 
wanting  part  of  it,  too." 

"That  you  shall  certainly  have,"  I  cried,  feeling  as  one 
restored  from  the  dead.    "We  will  begin  at  once." 


CHAPTER  XIV 

I  Pay  Wages  and  Restore  Happiness 

I  divided  the  output  of  the  previous  week  into  three 
equal  parts,  replacing  two  of  them  in  my  oaken  safe  for 
myself;  the  third  I  split  equally,  giving  half  to  the  god,  in 
a  box,  and  portioning  the  other  half  to  the  King,  great  men, 

♦This  was  a  favorite  Rlnyo  idiom  of  flattery;  the  complemental  curse 
was  "Brother-in-law  of  Lazuck,"  one  of  their  Satans,  in  which  they 
were  richer  than  ourselves  by  having  several. 


I  RESTORE  HAPPINESS  83 

and  people,  in  the  manner  and  proportion  employed  by  His 
Sceptred  Justice  in  disbursing  the  brass  roosters  and  beads. 
This  was  marvelously  satisfactory  to  all,  who  could  hardly 
believe  their  senses  on  seeing  me  part  with  so  much.  The 
conventicle  was  breaking  up  when  I  motioned  the  King  to 
beat  loudly  on  a  gong,  as  the  signal  for  them  to  resume 
their  seats.    I  then  addressed  them. 

"Heretofore  I  have  permitted  you  to  use  the  picks  and 
shovels,  pans  and  toothpicks  taken  from  the  caravan,  with- 
out charge,  and  also  that  new  four-fifths  part  of  the  poles 
which  I  affixed  to  their  size.     So  long  as  our  relation  was 
one  of  pure  affection  without  strict  business  rules,  as  it  has 
been  till  now,  my  tender  concern  caused  me  to  continue 
this  loving  laxity.     Then  you  needed  nothing,  we  were  as 
one  family,  whatever  was  essential  to  your  comfort  and 
piety  I  furnished  freely  out  of  a  full  heart;  you  were  my 
children;  but  now  you  have  shown  a  revolting  relish  to 
sever  these  sweet  spontaneous  ties,  to  stand  alone,  to  dis- 
card my  throbbing  solicitude ;  now  you  are  to  have  a  stated 
commercial  share  to  gratify  your  foolish  pride  of  independ- 
ence, you  have  abrogated  the  reign  of  love,  abjured  the 
fond  fellowship  of  fatherhood,  and  I  shall  be  obliged  to  re- 
quire payment  for  the  use  of  the  shovels  and  poles,  for 
the  scraps  which  your  children  and  women  collect  for  your 
food,  and  rent  for  the  ground  on  which  you  sleep,  which 
I  find  upon  figuring  will  come  to  just  the  sum  of  gold  that 
each  individual  has  received." 

These  children  of  twilight  nature  were  a  fair  minded 
people,  not  avidious  of  what  was  not  their  own,  endowed 
with  a  rough  intuitive  perception  of  right  and  wrong,  al- 
tho  I  had  formerly  thought  otherwise.  They  saw  that 
I  was  right,  and  everyone  of  them  without  compulsion  or 
further  persuasive  eloquence,  came  forward  and  deposited 
the  gold  I  had  paid  him  in  my  box.  I  fastened  down  the 
lid  of  the  receptacle  of  god's  portion  and  my  own  with 


84  THE    HORROBOOS 

stout  padlocks,  and  the  meeting  adjourned.  It  was  the  last 
trouble  of  the  kind  I  had  with  these  excellent  Africans, 
true  creatures  of  innate  equity  and  light.  It  proved  that 
ideas  of  justice  will  grow  even  in  the  bog  of  barbarism,  let 
civilized  psychologists  say  what  they  will.  I  had  changed 
iheir  economic  system  with  a  little  speech,  and  now  their 
happiness  flowed  on  placidly  again  toward  the  silent  ocean 
of  the  boundless  beauty  of  holiness.  They  were  just  where 
they  were  before  the  economic  change,  so  far  as  quantity 
of  material  goods  counted,  but  the  length  of  the  moral 
stride  they  had  compassed  was  prodigious.  Before,  they 
were  minion  children  of  feudal  barbarity  without  a  dollar 
in  their  pockets  from  week's  end  to  end,  now  for  a  few 
minutes  every  Saturday  afternoon  they  felt  the  glow  of 
gold  in  their  clothes,  or,  since  they  did  not  wear  clothes,  in 
their  handkerchiefs,  which  I  had  taught  them  to  use  for 
cleanliness  and  culture.  Charity  had  ceased,  they  now  paid 
as  they  went,  and  no  bill  of  shovel-rent  was  mounting  up 
to  mow  at  them  in  their  dreams. 

It  was  my  rule  to  allow  each  one  to  hold  his  gold  in  the 
palm  of  his  hand  for  five  minutes,  within  a  few  inches  of 
his  eyes,  looking  steadily  at  it,  before  restoring  it  to  my 
box,  to  deeply  inculcate  into  him  the  sense  and  virtues  of 
property.  Holding  it  thus  and  knowing  it  to  be  his  own,  he 
imbibed  the  sentiment  of  ownership,  he  planted  the  fiery- 
instinct  that  would  grow  and  consume  all  its  associates ;  it 
would  be  a  yoke  to  harness  him  to  the  car  of  human  toil ;  he 
would  become  blind  to  the  pleasures  of  life  and  absorbed  in 
its  beautiful  purpose,  possession.  This  is  making  a  savage 
truly  become  as  a  little  child,  born  under  the  star  of  a  dol- 
lar, feeding  the  nude  little  germ  from  the  nursing-bottle 
of  pious  greed,  giving  him  a  weekly  peep  at  our  civilization's 
deadly  grandeur  through  the  sanctified  lens  of  his  personal 
abstinence,  seating  him  on  the  stool  of  blistering  hope  in 
the  torrid  sun  of  a  billionaire  for  the  ratification  of  his  own 


I  RESTORE  HAPPINESS  85 

everlasting  distress.  Five  minutes'  weekly  possession  of  a 
little  gold  I  found  to  be  quite  long  enough  to  give  the  trans- 
cendental motive  of  civilization  firm  root  in  the  savage  belly. 

What  an  incredible  folly  it  was,  I  often  said  to  myself, 
that  drove  our  excellent  grandfathers  to  make  slaves  of 
their  fellow  beings  in  order  to  cudgel  activity  out  of  their 
skins,  when  a  few  grains  of  gold  placed  before  their  noses 
every  week  or  month,  and  called  theirs  as  long  as  you  can 
hold  your  breath,  is  a  salient  sorcerer  to  conjure  out  their 
inward  vitality  in  toil  for  the  employing  wizard  who  bap- 
tizes their  concupiscent  palms  with  the  instantly  evaporating 
magic.  The  heathen  are  as  thirsty  gulls  as  the  Christian,  the 
savage  is  as  cheaply  bought  as  the  civilized ;  the  will  o'  wisp 
specter  of  the  eternal  Have  beckons  and  compels  saint  and 
sinner  over  the  whole  earth,  if  they  have  two  legs,  no  tail, 
and  are  men,  to  flit  about  bleeding  away  their  souls  until  they 
have  poured  the  potent  juices  of  their  life  into  some  magnet 
owner's  wallet-skin,  and  have  and  are  nothing.  To  become 
a  rejected  blood-sack  for  the  accommodation  of  a  repleted 
blood-sucker  is  the  common  ardor  and  glory  of  man.  God 
be  praised  that  he  has  given  men  this  gentle  proclivity. 
Who  would  build  our  palaces  and  crowd  our  armies  to 
fight  and  die  for  the  rich,  without  this  far-sighted  attribute 
of  the  multitude?  Mind-  and  muscle-spoiling  toil  would 
not  consecrate  itself  prostrate  at  the  feet  of  cormorant 
idleness  but  for  the  deep  sweet  godlike  emotion  the  toiler 
feels  when  he  receives  his  weekly  wages  at  six  o'clock  and 
pays  them  out  for  his  weekly  bills  at  seven,  an  imaginary 
lord  of  property  one  spangled  hour. 

So  I  mused,  letting  my  mind  run  where  it  would  without 
much  rudder  or  destination,  and  one  day  gave  my  darling 
savages  a  little  homily  on  the  subject.  It  was  at  the  noon 
hour  and  they  had  finished  the  dinner  which  their  women 
brought  to  them  in  these  days  regularly  on  chips. 

"Fellow  manufacturers — for  I  must  now  call  you  by  a 


86  THE   HORROBOOS 

name  which  recognizes  the  dignity  and  equality  of  labor — 
I  rejoice  in  the  manifestations  of  spiritual  life  that  are  be- 
ginning to  advertise  themselves  on  your  persons.  When  I 
came  to  your  filthy  hovels  you  were  exceedingly  gross  and 
fleshly  and  healthy,  you  are  now  hopefully  thin  and  dis- 
eased ;  I  like  the  appearance  of  those  sores  on  your  bodies, 
which  indicate  that  you  are  being  chastened  for  divine  ends ; 
emaciation  is  an  excellent  remedy  for  the  sins  of  Adam ; 
while  the  body  is  luscious  the  mind  seldom  develops  a  proper 
ethical  system — at  least  one  that  will  live  after  the  author 
is  dead ;  savage  profligacy  is  a  foe  to  all  missionary  move- 
ments ;  many  have  lost  their  lives  in  attempting  to  rear 
families  with  a  high  standard  of  comfort  while  working 
for  the  Master  of  the  Vineyard  under  the  direction  of  His 
vice  masters ;  neglect  your  children  and  the  Lord  will  take 
them  up;  man  should  study  the  beasts,  who  die  heroically 
mute ;  the  fear  of  the  Lord  and  the  fat  of  the  land  are 
never  found  in  the  same  company ;  if  Blessed  are  the  peace- 
makers, more  blessed  are  they  who  create  strife,  that  the 
peacemakers  may  have  a  job  and  obtain  their  reward ;  the 
rich  man  cannot  go  through  the  eye  of  a  needle  nor  enter 
the  kingdom  of  heaven,  therefore  toil  for  your  enemies  to 
make  them  rich  and  keep  them  out  of  heaven ;  you  will  have 
plenty  Above  if  they  remain  Below,  not  otherwise ; — I  am 
willing  to  be  regarded  as  an  enemy  of  all  mankind,  if  they 
will  try  to  keep  me  out  of  heaven. 

"I  have  noticed  some  of  you  conning  manuals  of  hygiene  ; 
put  them  aside,  health  is  inimical  to  holiness;  the  healthy 
man  loves  life,  therefore  go  work  in  a  factory  and  you  will 
soon  see  God;  set  not  your  affections  on  the  things  of  this 
world,  for  none  of  them  belong  to  you ;  give  all  that  thou 
hast  to  the  rich,  for  if  you  do  not  they  will  soon  take  it 
av/ay  from  you ;  praise  God  for  suffering  and  disease,  those 
beautiful  possessions  of  the  poor,  out  of  which  the  worms 
of  saintly  sorrow  that  refine  and  devour  the  soul  grow; 


I  RESTORE  HAPPINESS  8/ 

blessed  are  the  seeds  of  consumption,  for  like  our  rich  they 
blossom  into  great  monopolists  of  life ;  if  you  would  awaken 
people  to  the  conviction  of  sin  and  the  melancholy  certainty 
of  religion,  destroy  their  health — though  to  call  their  child- 
ren from  the  slums  below  to  the  palaces  above  may  answer 
in  the  poorest  families;  I  shall  apply  these  ideas  with  de- 
votion to  you. 

"These  are  general  remarks,  preparatory  to  a  few  horta- 
tory observations  on  the  value  of  money.  The  value  of 
money  consists  in  saving  it.  For  five  minutes  every  week 
you  are  rich;  hoard  your  possessions  carefully  during  that 
time,  for  the  state  of  your  mind  is  then  no  less  exalted  than 
the  billionaire's,  who  has  more  and  keeps  it  longer ;  it  is  the 
quality  of  sentiment,  not  the  quantity  of  money,  that  unites 
men ;  he  whose  quantity  of  profit  is  a  cent  a  year  may  have 
the  same  quality  of  sentiment  as  that  brother  whose  annual 
profit  is  a  hundred  millions,  if  he  is  a  Christian  Scientist. 
Praised  be  God  for  the  eruption  of  Christian  Science  and 
Buddhism,  for  those  whom  sweet  Christianity  does  not 
make  contented  with  misery  and  millionaries  these  opium- 
theologies  will;  preserve  the  stench  and  horrors  of  this 
world  that  the  mind  may  increase  in  agility  by  denying 
them;  a  steak  in  the  millionaire's  stomach  and  the  million 
dollars  in  his  pocket  are  really  in  yours  if  you  can  piously 
think  so;  but  what  of  the  millionaire's  hunger  and  empty 
pocket  when  you  have  thought  his  food  and  money  out  of 
him  into  yourself?  He  must  think  them  back; — in  this  wise 
one  million  dollars  and  a  single  tenderloin  steak  may  be 
thought  around  the  world  through  every  pocket  and 
stomach,  and  all  be  rich  and  fed.  This  is  the  safest  way 
to  steal,  as  well  as  enabling  the  rich  by  eating  everything 
there  is  to  bless  the  poor. 

"Both  you  and  I  are  capitalists  in  our  hearts,  altho  there 
is  a  small  discrepancy  in  the  material  amounts  we  have; 
we  both  want  more,  and  therefore  our  souls  rattle  together 


88  THE    HORROBOOS 

in  the  unison  of  speculative  similitude.  Remember  the  sac- 
redness  of  property  and  be  not  envious  of  a  fellow  capitalist 
because  he  has  more  than  you ;  if  you  save  the  memories 
of  the  gold  that  you  so  fondly  caress  on  pay-days  and  put 
them  in  the  savings  bank  you  may  sometime  be  as  rich  in 
memories  as  I  am  in  realities.  By  an  inscrutable  dispen- 
sation of  God  which  it  were  profane  to  inspect — since  it  was 
invented  and  given  to  the  human  race  by  brutally  ignorant 
ancient  savages  and  is  therefore  holy — a  somewhat  larger 
share  of  gold  falls  to  me  than  to  you ;  that  is  nothing  so 
long  as  you  have  sonic ;  if  you  were  wholly  deprived,  it 
would  be  your  pious  duty  to  create  a  disturbance,  and  I 
should  lead  you  in  an  attack  upon  defunct  tyrants,  feudal 
systems,  and  other  dead  things,  to  establish  your  inalien- 
able right  to  a  few  substanceless  ghosts  of  the  good  things 
of  this  world.  We  should  find  the  tyrants  in  the  North 
Pole  and  the  feudal  systems  in  the  past  ages,  and  should  go 
forth  in  a  blithering  fury,  with  flags  and  lurid  patriotism 
and  a  conquering  shout,  to  exterminate  both.  (Most  of 
you  would  not  come  back.  You  would  leave  your  patriot- 
ism and  yourselves  to  parch  by  the  side  of  the  prehistoric 
mummies  you  had  slaughtered.)  But  now  you  have  all 
the  good  things  possible  to  a  free  people,  and  crusades  and 
purgative  French  Revolutions  are  needless,  for  gold  inun- 
dates your  palms  for  five  long  thronging  minutes  a  week. 
"I  discovered  this  darling  substance,  I  molded  the  plan 
which  made  these  picks  and  shovels  ours,  and,  you  being 
only  physical  instruments  of  my  will  in  the  transaction,  all 
we  get  becomes  mine.  God  works  in  these  peculiar  ways, 
perhaps  to  amuse  himself,  and  certainly  to  bring  us  all  to 
a  state  of  repentance :  he  makes  us  all  repent  that  he  exists. 
Only  the  work  of  the  scheming  mind  deserves  reward.  You 
must  see  that  God's  will  is  done,  for  the  bible  shows  that 
He  easily  becomes  ugly.  Let  nothing  tempt  you  to  take 
my  gold,  to  preserve  which  the  ten  commandments  were 


SOME  SUPERFLUOUS  RINYOS  89 

written;  should  you  take  it  you  would  destroy  your  right 
to  possess  your  gold  for  five  minutes,  when  you  would  have 
nothing  and  would  sink  back  into  the  abject  misery  where 
I  found  you,  without  sores,  God,  the  hope  of  an  early  death, 
and  an  immortal  life  of  unconsciousness.  If  you  invade 
my  property  right  you  invade  your  own.  I  charge  you, 
brethren,  by  your  faith  in  the  Most  High,  of  whom  I  will 
tell  you  more  when  business  slackens,  uphold  the  glorious 
privilege  of  money  which  now  for  the  first  time  in  your 
history  blackens  your  horoscope." 

My  sweetly  reasonable  words  sank  deep  into  their  dark 
diaphrams.  At  the  end  of  every  week  I  delivered  over 
their  share  of  their  week's  work,  and  to  the  King  and  the 
great  ones  their  manyfold  larger  share  for  doing  nothing, 
which  with  truthful  honesty  and  blushing  pleasure  they  all 
returned  to  my  strong  box  in  payment  for  my  generous  loan 
of  the  shovels  and  poles.  I  pointed  out  that  my  services 
as  director  and  overseer  of  the  digging  were  of  high  com- 
mercial value  but  that  I  threw  them  in  as  a  free  gift,  and  I 
think  this  unexpected  munificence  brought  me  more  pure 
love  from  their  guileless  bosoms  than  even  my  sermon  on 
economic  principles.  Nevertheless  I  was  cautious  to  an- 
chor them  with  another  fundamental  impulse  to  the  rock 
of  gain;  I  contracted  that  if  they  worked  faithfully  and 
made  no  trouble  I  would  raise  their  salaries  by  adding  one 
minute  every  three  months  to  the  time  of  their  holding  the 
gold. 


CHAPTER  XV 

Some  Superfluous  Rinyos 

There  w^ere  unfortunately  not  enough  picks,  shovels  and 
other  implements  to  supply  all  the  men  with  tools,  and  this 


90  THE   HORROBOOS 

threw  me  into  a  distressing  perplexity.  Before  I  began  to 
pay  wages  I  had  no  objection  to  the  surplus  individuals  who 
were  without  tools  scratching  around  with  their  finger-nails 
and  getting  out  what  gold  they  could.  They  obtained  quite 
enough  to  pay  handsomely  for  their  keep,  and  as  I  did  not 
allow  them  to  use  it  for  that  purpose  but  appropriated  it  to 
myself  their  toil  supplied  me  with  a  respectable  yield,  tho 
nothing  for  me  to  care  much  about  compared  with  the  rest. 
However,  I  saw  no  reason,  moral  or  material,  why  they 
should  not  be  permitted  to  keep  at  it,  with  the  privilege  of 
eating  the  bits  that  their  women  collected  for  their  food  by 
night.  It  was  not  that  they  had  any  right  to  live  under 
these  circumstances,  but  as  they  cost  me  nothing,  besides 
being  the  source  of  considerable  revenue  in  the  aggregate, 
my  good  nature  and  Christian  theology  ruled  in  their  favor. 
Let  them  potter  along,  reflected  I  magnanimously,  they  are 
probably  more  cheerful  alive  than  dead,  and  Africa  is  an 
out-of-the-way  place  where  the  bad  example  of  their  limited 
usefulness  to  me  cannot  demoralize  the  white  man. 

But  this  generously  negligent  attitude  could  not  continue 
after  the  short-sighted  batrachians  had  begun  to  exact 
wages  of  me.  My  duty  to  their  brethren  with  the  shovels 
who  were  turning  out  the  enormous  profits  I  wanted  would 
not  endure  this.  To  pay  equal  wages  to  these  two  sets  of 
men  when  one  of  them  produced  so  much  and  the  other  so 
little,  would  be  disgracefully  unjust  and  had  only  to  be 
thought  of  to  be  rejected,  as  not  only  basely  unfair  to  me 
but  wickedly  so  to  those  Rinyos  whose  use  of  shovels  and 
picks  enabled  them  to  be  the  large  producers. 

It  was  very  easy  with  a  little  figuring  to  decide  what  just 
wages  for  the  toolless  would  be.  To  be  strictly  fair  I 
measured  the  sum  of  gold  secured  by  a  certain  number  of 
the  tool-workers,  and  by  the  same  number  destitute  of  the 
implements,  and  found  the  former  to  be  fifty  times  more  a 
day,  so  that  by  irreproachable     economic     and     Christian 


SOME  SUPERFLUOUS  RINYOS  91 

principles  and  arithmetic  the  wages  of  the  toolless  should 
be  a  fiftieth  part  of  those  paid  to  the  rest. 

The  tool-users'  wages,  as  I  explained  before,  just  paid 
for  the  use  of  the  tools,  for  the  rent  of  the  holes  in  the 
rocks  in  which  they  slept  when  it  rained,  for  the  rent  of  the 
ground  they  slept  on  when  it  did  not  rain,  and  finally  for  the 
fragments  of  food  collected  by  their  children  and  wives  in 
the  night.  A  fiftieth  part  of  these  wages,  to  which  the  tool- 
less  by  digging  gold  with  their  fingers  and  toes  were  en- 
titled, would  therefore  pay  for  a  hole  one-fiftieth  large 
enough  to  sleep  in,  which  would  by  no  means  cover  one 
of  their  feet,  for  only  the  same  fraction  of  ground  space  for 
them  to  lie  down  on,  so  that  they  would  have  to  sleep  stand- 
ing up,  and  for  only  a  fiftieth  part  of  the  food  necessary 
to  sustain  life.  I  was  willing  to  pay  them  this  amount  of 
wages,  but  what  was  the  use  ?  Such  wages  would  only  yield 
them  a  fiftieth  of  the  strength  after  a  few  days,  so  that  the 
product  of  their  work  would  drop  to  practically  zero.  Be- 
sides, since,  when  earning  no  more  than  that,  they  would 
soon  die,  it  was  better  to  cut  the  agony  short  and  discharge 
them  at  once  and  altogether,  when  death  would  sooner 
overtake  and  tenderly  release  them.  One  can  escape  from 
some  things,  but  never  from  mathematics,  so  I  arrived  with 
hopeless  certainty  at  the  afflicting  conclusion  that  there  was 
no  way  for  these  superfluous  people  to  live. 

At  this  debilitating  discovery,  as  I  need  not  inform  you, 
my  sensitive  heart  prompted  me  to  shed  streams  of  incon- 
solable tears,  and  I  turned  the  subject  over  in  my  mind  a 
thousand  times  in  the  longing  to  discern  some  way  of  evad- 
ing the  rigid  decrees  of  structural  cosmic  righteousness  by 
which  to  prolong  their  lives.  I  reasoned  thus  in  the  vain 
endeavor  to  find  a  solution : 

Food  for  them  to  live  on  is  plentiful  and  it  costs  me 
nothing.  I  cannot  eat  it,  nor  can  I  permit  the  whole  Rinyo 
tribe  to  do  so,  to  whom  I  already  allow  all  that  they  earn. 


92 


THE    HORROBOOS 


Since  these  toolless  workers  do  not  net  me  a  large  profit, 
why  should  I  not  free  them  entirely  from  laboring  for  my 
gain  and  give  them  liberty  to  spend  their  time  gathering 
their  own  food? 

Against  these  propositions  the  whole  integrity  and  an- 
tiquity of  my  ape-engendered  intellect,  supported  by  the 
laws  of  a  still  more  antiquated  Divine  Reason  by  which  I 
was  illumined,  of  course  cried  out.  I  feared  also  that  the 
unfortunates  might  see  this  point,  too,  and  level  it  at  me. 
The  answer  ought  assuredly  to  be  very  evident  to  an  honest 
pagan,  or  to  one  duly  humiliated  by  religion.  If,  ran  my 
ruminations,  I  liberated  the  resources  of  life  and  allowed 
these  five  hundred  shovelless  superfluities  to  collect  their 
food  directly,  exempted  from  toil  for  me,  they  would  have 
to  work  but  a  little  of  the  time  to  gain  more  and  better  food 
than  the  gold-gatherers  enjoyed,  who  worked  terrifically 
the  entire  day.  Any  one  can  see  the  direful  injustice  of 
this  to  the  gatherers,  who,  "rather  than  less,  deserved  the 
greater  reward,  because  of  their  shining  usefulness  in  in- 
creasing my  wealth.  Apart  from  this  unthinkable  injustice 
it  would  create  a  dangerous  and  explosive  jealousy,  for  the 
diggers  with  tools,  seeing  the  others  getting  a  very  good 
living  without  working  for  me,  and  working  only  very  mod- 
erately for  themselves,  would  begin  to  ask  why  they  should 
work  fearfully  hard  for  my  benefit,  for  the  reward  of  an 
exceedingly  bad  living.  Being  savages  brilliantly  endowed 
with  a  stupid  inability  to  grasp  civilized  perceptions,  it 
would  be  very  hard  to  make  them  comprehend  why. 

Policy,  no  less  than  science  and  righteousness,  demanded 
therefore  that  the  superfluous  Rinyos  should  die.  It  did 
cross  my  mind  that  I  might  suffer  these  needless  wights 
to  take  the  place  of  some  of  the  others  part  of  the  time, 
during  which  they  should  use  the  shovels  and  picks  while 
the  others  were  at  rest,  but  I  expelled  the  notion  instantly 
as  dangerous  to  the  morals  of  the  workers.    Idleness  is  the 


SOME  SUPERFLUOUS  RINYOS  93 

worst  foe  of  a  working  class.  Workingmen  rot  morally  if 
permitted  time  to  think.  It  also  gives  them  an  opportunity 
to  learn  the  pleasures  of  other  things  besides  labor,  which 
they  have  no  right  to  know,  since  it  robs  their  employer  of 
some  of  their  working  strength. 

I  now  prepared  to  convey  my  decision  to  the  tribe  as  af- 
fectionately as  I  could,  and  I  called  Milto  to  me  to  play 
his  part. 

"Let  us  bring  in  the  clergy,"  said  I,  "there  is  nothing  that 
can  cause  men  to  starve  with  such  vivid  satisfaction  as  re- 
ligion." ♦ 

King  Milto  thereupon  ordered  his  First  Official  Hypo- 
crite and  all  the  subordinate  Idol-Trainers  into  our  pres- 
ence, when  he  commanded  them  to  employ  their  most  beati- 
fied and  serpentine  arguments  to  convert  the  superfluous 
Rinyos  to  a  conviction  of  the  public  necessity  of  their  death, 
and  promised  to  raise  the  salaries  of  the  clergymen  if  their 
cunning  prevailed.  By  my  permission,  in  fact,  he  assured 
them  that  a  hundredth  part  of  the  food  consumed  by  these 
surplus  persons  should,  if  their  religion  did  its  duty,  be 
divided  among  the  clergy  after  the  surplus  had  ceased  to 
eat,  were  dead,  and  redeemed. 

I  think  the  promise  of  a  thousandth  would  have  sufficed, 
for  the  clergy  squirmed  gleefully  at  the  offer  and  began  in- 
venting nebulous  reasons  on  the  spot  why  the  various  gods 
they  did  business  with  required  the  immediate  presence  in 
Eternal  Gladness  of  the  wasted  devils  I  wanted  to  dispatch. 
When  you  remember  that  a  strict  Rinyo  article  of  faith  was 
that  all  their  gods  were  considered  dead  as  a  measure  of 
public  safety,  that  these  dead  creatures  should  have  exer- 
cised a  wish  is  quite  African  in  its  touching  mysticism. 

The  formal  discharge  of  the  superfluous,  into  which  I 
infused  some  ceremony  for  general  unction,  was  rather  a 
shock  to  the  discharged,  who  knew  it  meant  death,  and  they 
had  the  impoliteness  to  come  in  a  body  and  disturb  a  siesta 


94  THE    HORROBOOS 

that  I  was  taking  at  home  to  recuperate  from  the  sorrow 
I  felt  for  their  fate.  Their  pleadings  bored  me,  it  was  quite 
improper  of  them  to  interrupt  my  rest  when  I  had  already- 
wept  and  prayed  for  them ;  but  I  let  them  jabber  awhile 
for  the  sake  of  free  speech,  and  when  I  could  waste  no  more 
time  with  them  I  turned  them  out  of  doors  forcibly  but 
without  anger,  advising  them  to  go  into  the  woods  and  eat 
each  other  one  by  one,  drawing  lots  who  should  go  next, 
as  the  pleasantest  way  to  terminate  their  existence. 

"And,"  said  I  in  parting,  "it  will  help  you  very  much  if 
you  accept  Christianity.  God  is  working  out  a  great  plan 
which  I  have  considered  and  approved,  of  which  your  com- 
ing starvation  through  a  dearth  of  shovels  is  a  feature. 
Note  the  nicety  of  universal  intention ;  the  scarcity  of 
shovels  in  that  caravan  was  a  very  vital  item  in  the  infinite 
scheme.  The  plan  of  the  universe  may  be  rasping  to  creat- 
ures of  your  degraded  dimensions,  whose  principal  func- 
tion, like  that  of  the  worm,  is  to  be  trampled  on  by  the  plan 
as  it  proceeds,  yet  I  assure  you  that  your  being  trampled 
on  is  what  provides  the  meaning  and  pleasure  of  the  plan. 
The  Super-Power  gave  you  capacity  to  feel  for  the  pleas- 
ure of  seeing  you  suffer.  But  being  walked  on  by  the  uni- 
verse never  hurts  Christians,  for  they  are  trained  to  enjoy 
it.  They  are  grateful  to  the  universe  for  crushing  them. 
Of  course,  tho,  if  you  embrace  Christianity  you  will  never 
see  your  ancestors  again  for  they  died  in  sin  and  are 
damned." 

I  hoped  I  had  seen  the  last  of  them,  and  it  seemed  that 
such  was  the  case.  They  disappeared  and  all  was  quiet  for 
some  time. 


THE  TERROR  95 

CHAPTER  XVI 

The  Terror 

Things  went  so  well  now  that  occasionally  I  appointed  a 
state  holiday  for  the  transaction  of  such  public  business  by 
the  King  as  might  have  fallen  into  arrears  through  his  assid- 
uity in  my  service.  He  usually  had  a  few  subjects  whom  he 
desired  to  execute  and  I  did  not  feel  it  to  be  good  statecraft 
to  have  such  punctual  duties  much  delayed. 

On  one  of  these  holidays  about  two  months  after  the  van- 
ishment of  the  superfluous  Rinyos  I  was  sauntering  over  the 
metropolis  delighting  in  the  curious  sights,  and  happened 
to  be  near  the  capitol  building,  when  a  disturbance  in  its 
vicinity  caused  me  to  hasten  my  steps  toward  that  stately 
edifice,  which  was  built  of  green  mud.  Something  of 
unusual  and  terrible  import  was  stirring.  Fully  two  thou- 
sand of  the  hugest  giants  of  the  Kingdom,  whom  I  recog- 
nized as  the  State  Police  from  a  great  circular  piece  of 
bark  stuck  upon  their  breasts  with  gum  as  their  official 
badge,  all  armed  with  the  massive  truncheons  of  their  trade, , 
were  collected  in  a  threatening  attitude  before  the  State 
entrance,  while  a  mighty  throng  of  spectators  were  assem- 
bled at  a  respectful  distance  awaiting  some  event  with  the 
deepest  expectancy. 

This  was  a  remarkable  proceeding,  awakening  in  me  the 
gruesome  suspicion  that  the  King  might  have  conceived 
the  pestilent  project  of  rebelling  against  my  yoke,  in  which 
event  there  was  no  time  to  lose.  Forcing  my  way  through 
the  crowd  of  passive  observers  I  advanced  with  stern  out- 
ward composure  and  quivering  interior  toward  the  heavy 
cordon  of  guards  at  the  palace  portals.  No  sooner  did  they 
see  and  recognize  me  advancing  alone  across  the  opening 
than  W'ith  a  splitting  scream  of  delight  every  one  of  the 
two  thousand  policemen  fell  down  backwards  with  arms 


96  THE    HORROBOOS 

and  legs  rising  parallel  and  perpendicular  into  the  air,  and 
remained  there  stark  and  silent  awaiting  my  orders.  Much 
relieved  by  this  acclamation  of  allegiance,  tho  yet  more 
mystified,  I  commanded  them  to  stand,  after  my  passage, 
and  to  resume  their  clubs,  which  they  had  dropped  as  they 
gyrated  themselves,  and  strode  across  their  rigid  forms 
into  the  lofty  vestibule,  where  I  entered  the  royal  tub  and 
was  drawn  up  to  the  King's  private  reception  room. 

The  effulgent  monarch  was  at  one  of  the  front  windows 
of  the  executive  chamber  as  I  entered,  peering  down  into 
the  park  below  from  behind  an  enormous  snake-skin  cur- 
tain which  concealed  him  from  view,  and  he  was  so  gript 
by  terror  that  he  would  have  collapsed  if  four  royal  eunuchs 
had  not  supported  him  on  each  side,  somewhat  unsteadily 
however,  for  they  danced  about  hysterically,  bumping  their 
demented  heads  now  into  each  other  and  now  into  the 
sacred  substance  of  the  King. 

When  Milto  saw  me  he  tried  to  speak  but  could  scarcely 
do  so  coherently. 

"They  come!"  shuddered  he,  dropping  the  curtain  and 
covering  his  face  with  his  hands. 

"Who  come?"  queried  I.  "What  is  this  deuced  ruction 
about  ?" 

The  sublime  King  could  not  reply,  because  his  tongue 
refused  to  move;  he  could  only  point  feebly  out  of  the 
window. 

"The  malcontents.  Great  Savior,"  whispered  one  of  the 
royal  eunuchs. 

At  this  I  hastily  tore  the  curtain  aside  and  beheld  a 
sight  that  would  have  petrified  the  bravest  heart,  particu- 
larly if  clad  in  authority.  A  strange  and  terrifying  object 
was  proceeding  toward  the  stately  entrance  of  woven 
swamp-grass  and  sun-baked  clay  over  which  the  two  thou- 
sand policemen  stood  guard.  I  could  not  at  first  distin- 
guish its  character,  tho  as  it  squirmed  forward  I  concluded 


THE  TERROR  97 

it  to  be  a  savage  monster  of  colossal  magnitude  and  a 
species  unknown  to  me  which  the  people  dared  not  attack. 
Just  then  Milto  recovered  himself  sufficiently  to  issue  a 
hurry  order  to  one  of  the  eunuchs  that  the  policemen  below 
should  bellow  violently  to  frighten  the  invader  away.  In 
a  few  moments  the  building  shook  with  the  frightful  roars 
produced  by  the  guard,  who  rendered  the  noise  more  hor- 
rible by  thumping  on  the  resonant  earth  with  their  clubs. 

All  this  din  had  no  effect,  for  the  leviathan  came  on 
undismayed.  A  few  more  minutes  of  shattering  suspense 
followed,  when  it  reached  a  point  where  I  could  decipher 
its  structure.  It  was  a  compact  body  of  emaciated  men, 
who  sustained  themselves  on  their  feet  by  leaning  together 
in  a  mass,  the  tottering  weight  of  one  side  of  the  group 
propping  up  the  other  side,  as  two  men  tipping  with  drink 
support  themselves  by  embracing  each  other  when  either 
alone  would  fall.  Not  much  but  bones  and  facial  expres- 
sion remained  of  these  wasted  beings,  while  as  to  strength 
they  retained  none,  or  barely  enough  to  stagger  slowly  for- 
ward. In  number  they  were  about  four  hundred  and  fifty 
altogether. 

"Have  they  smallpox,  cholera,  or  what,  that  they  frighten 
everybody  so?"  I  demanded,  hoping  the  King  might  have 
recovered  the  power  of  a  few  syllables  from  his  general 
paralysis. 

"Far  worse,"  twitched  he,  his  sublime  teeth  masticating 
themselves  with  the  force  of  a  mill,  "it  is  Hunger!  They 
are  the  superfluous  population  that  you  cast  out,  returning 
for  vengeance." 

I  now  saw  there  was  much  to  fear,  and  I  felt  a  sickening 
dread  of  what  might  overtake  me  because  these  miserable 
beasts  did  not  acknowledge  the  principles  of  Wall  Street 
and  God  and  die  as  directed.  The  peppery  spectacle  of 
such  shredded  remains  of  men  was  liable  to  inflame  the 
whole  population,  except  of  course  the  great,  who  were 


98  THE   HORROBOOS 

above  it.  An  African  inflammation,  lacking  the  cooling 
aperient  of  culture,  may  forget  its  manners.  A  hungry 
man  in  a  sedentary  city  soaked  in  the  slime  of  civilized  law 
may  die  on  a  park  bench  at  3  A.  M.,  crustless,  when  an 
active  African  surcharged  with  the  glowing  memoiies  of 
fight  and  slaughter  may  turn  with  contempt  of  court  upon 
his  lawful  starver  and  kill  him.  In  that  hour  of  solemn 
crisis  I  would  have  given  the  Supreme  Judges  of  the  United 
States  ten  percent  of  my  plunder  could  I  have  had  their 
talented  aid  in  ripening  the  illegal  tissues  of  the  children 
of  primal  falsehood  about  me.  As  I  looked  into  their  simple 
perceptions  I  saw  down  the  v/indows  of  hell.  I  find  I  can 
always  tie  up  an  evolved  nature  in  the  loose  threads  of  its 
own  development,  but  the  simple  natures  just  born  out  of 
the  primordial  are  cruel  obstacles.  They  see  and  cannot 
think;  the  culture-coated  think  and  cannot  see.  And  they 
hit  back.  I  hate  a  simple  nature  that  hits  back.  The 
gaudiest  triumph  of  civilization  is  that  before  a  man  can 
hit  back  by  law  he  is  dead.  Were  I  going  to  Africa  for 
gold  again  I  should  send  $50,000,000  ahead  to  generate  a 
university  to  prepare  the  inky  souls  for  my  coming.  They 
would  then  starve  with  a  scientific  comprehension  of  their 
duty  to  do  so. 

Now  every  chuckle-headed  Rinyo  in  the  diocese  knew 
that  there  was  food  in  prodigious  plenty  all  about,  with  no 
reason  comprehensible  to  common  sense  why  these  shrunken 
starvelings  should  not  eat  it.  The  savage  has  no  sense  of 
humor  and  that  places  the  Christian,  who  conducts  his  deal- 
ings with  comical  Christian  cunning  and  playfulness,  at  a 
great  disadvantage  when  alone  among  savages.  I  had 
several  times  noticed  a  savage  tendency  to  take  the  Christian 
joke  of  starvation  too  seriously  and  it  worried  me  now. 

The  starvers  had  by  this  time  reached  the  lower  door  so 
that  I  had  no  time  to  meditate  further.  Milto  was  on  his 
knees  begging  me  piteously  to  save  him,  his  vast  frame 


THE  TERROR  99 

cracking  with  tremors;  the  eight  royal  eunuchs,  the  King's 
seven  private  secretaries,  and  his  Chief  of  Pohce  had  been 
lying  on  the  floor  ten  minutes  in  a  dead  faint  while  the 
above  reflections  were  occupying  my  mind.  The  royal  valor 
was  manifest  over  the  cowardice  of  these  caitifi's,  for  the 
King  did  not  faint  and  had  sufficient  presence  of  mind  to 
embrace  my  knees  and  repeatedly  implore  me  convulsively 
to  save  his  life  and  throne,  with  a  voice  suffocating  with 
sobs. 

"Now,  Milto,"  I  said,  "do  as  I  tell  you  and  all  will  be 
well" — tho  I  was  not  so  sure  of  it.  "Calm  your  fears,  dry 
your  tears,  receive  these  dying  emaciants  with  the  mien  of 
a  sovereign,  and  try  your  best  to  hide  from  them  and  the 
populace  that  you  are  in  mortal  fear  for  your  life.  Quake 
as  it  were  haughtily  to  deceive  them." 

"Oh !  Oh !"  wailed  His  Sublimity,  "go  down  and  meet 
them  for  me,  you  have  the  armor  of  a  thousand  theories 
in  your  breast  and  I  am  naked." 

"No,  my  dear  boy,"  I  answered,  "we  must  use  finesse. 
The  time  has  come  for  stratagem,  and  I  will  stand  behind 
you  with  all  the  theories  named.  Listen  to  my  instruc- 
tions. Receive  them  with  deep  sympathy,  assure  them  that 
you  feel  for  them,  promise  all  the  help  in  your  power, 
declare  with  blinks  of  sorrow  that  you  will  carefully  exam- 
ine the  laws  on  the  subject  of  allowing  surplus  men  to  eat 
surplus  food,  point  out  with  gulps  of  woe  that  the  Rinyo 
Constitution  stands  in  the  way  of  your  doing  anything  for 
them  that  you  do  not  want  to  do,  and  that  our  Congress 
of  Ancient  Quacks  prohibits  everything  else ;  be  solemn, 
majestic  and  slippery :  then  come  away  and  we  will  kill  them 
off  one  by  one  by  delays.  The  imbecile  multitude  will  think 
we  mean  what  we  say,  and  if  we  can  secretly  tempt  the 
starvers  to  steal  a  few  vacant  bones  or  a  pig's  tail,  or  to 
break  into  some  butcher's  cave,  or  put  a  stone  through  a 
plate  glass  window,  or  to  make  a  little  noise,  we  can  insti- 
gate the  common  people  to  pounce  on  and  slaughter  them." 


100  THE    HORROBOOS 

This  program  acted  magically  on  j\Iilto,  and  he  hastened 
to  execute  it  by  a  conference  with  the  skeletons,  with  the 
wise  foresight  however  of  throwing  over  his  head  and  body 
a  gigantic  lion-skin  with  the  teeth  ominously  exposed,  and 
by  placing  himself  in  the  center  of  a  human  circle  composed 
of  his  bark-badged  club-swingers  fifty  deep,  who  formed 
a  compact  mass  of  protection  around  him  so  that  he  felt 
partially  safe. 

I  awaited  the  end  of  the  conference  with  concern,  know- 
ing that  my  career  was  in  the  balance.  If  these  scurvy 
vagrants  refused  to  die  in  an  orderly  and  constitutional 
manner,  I  should  be  at  my  wit's  end  to  know  what  to  do 
about  it.  for  the  light  of  human  experience  shone  no  far- 
ther. The  civilized  surplus  always  die  when  commanded 
to  do  so  to  vindicate  the  perfection  of  human  society — 
what  should  I  do  if  the  sodden  savage  shied  at  the  privi- 
lege? 

The  King  returned  chapfallen  and  pallid,  showing  that 
he  had  failed,  and  he  brought  me  the  dying  men's  ultima- 
tum. They  declared  they  would  not  stir  from  the  public 
place  unless  food  were  supplied ;  they  insisted  on  seeing  me 
immediately  w-here  they  were ;  and  they  required  that  I 
should  make  them  a  provision  of  food  for  the  future,  either 
with  work  or  without  it. 

The  memorial  ended  with  these  atrocious  words : 

"You  told  us  that  we  were  out  of  work  because  we  were 
not  Christians,  that  if  we  believed  on  your  god  Christ  he 
would  provide  for  us,  that  no  true  believer  on  him  was 
ever  in  want.  So  we  went  home  and  believed ;  we  became 
Christians  and  implored  his  help ;  we  went  on  believing  and 
expecting  with  all  the  belief  and  expectation  in  us  for  two 
months ;  fifty  of  us  died  of  that  belief  and  the  rest  of  us 
have  hardly  body  enough  left  for  a  belief  to  cling  to ;  no 
help  came,  and  we  saw  that  all  of  us  would  die  if  we 
continued  to  be  Christians  and  that  your  Christianity  was 


THE  TERROR  loi 

a  cheat;  nearly  dead  tho  we  are,  every  one  of  us  is  com- 
pletely cured  of  your  Christ-God  disease.  We  know  by 
trial  that  no  god  helps  the  needy,  and  we  do  not  believe 
there  is  a  god.  You  have  babbled  of  god  to  us  to  humbug 
us  into  obedience." 

Shocked  and  grieved  at  this  flippant  blasphemy  I  tore 
this  part  of  the  document  to  pieces  that  it  might  not  fall 
into  the  hands  of  other  heathen  to  endanger  their  salva- 
tion. Christianity  never  failed  to  reconcile  civilized  work- 
ingmen  to  starvation,  and  it  wrung  my  heart  to  find  it  shaky 
for  doing  as  much  for  the  savage. 

Affairs  in  the  street  at  this  instant  reached  a  very  critical 
stage  indeed.  Attracted  by  the  unusual  occurrence  increas- 
ing crowds  had  collected,  among  whom,  aided  by  some 
flashing  Rinyoese  profanity,  the  story  of  their  comrades' 
starvation  caused  by  my  refusal  to  give  them  work  was 
being  bandied  about.  Their  passions,  too,  were  beginning 
to  sizzle  to  such  a  degree  that  unless  I  could  soothe  them 
with  a  few  precious  insights  I  was  likely  soon  to  be  tram- 
pled into  the  pavement. 

Sustained  by  truth  I  went  out  resolutely  to  face  them. 
They  were  abashed  by  my  presence  and  the  fierce  shout 
they  tried  to  raise  died  away  miserably  on  their  quavering 
lips,  but  the  spokesman  of  the  starvers,  a  very  fiend  in 
appearance  from  long  fasting  and  the  recent  ravages  of 
atheism,  delivered  himself  thus,  very  curtly  and  uncouthly, 
with  none  of  the  titles  of  admiration  which,  while  thor- 
oughly despising,  I  detected  to  have  a  euphonious  lilt  for 
the  ear: 

"Allow  us  to  use  some  of  the  shovels  and  picks  part  of 
the  time,  thereby  enabling  us  to  earn  food  and  giving  the 
relieved  workers  periods  of  rest  to  gather  strength  for 
harder  work  when  they  resume  their  tools.  Your  income 
can  hardly  be  less  from  this  plan,  for  both  groups,  being 
fresher,  will  do  more  while  they  work.     But  if  it  is  less, 


102  THE    HORROBOOS 

we  live ;  and  we  consider  our  lives  more  valuable  than  your 
income." 

"My  pretty  fellow,"  cried  I,  " — I  hesitate  to  call  you  a 
ghostly  dunce  for  fear  of  wounding  your  emaciated  sensi- 
bilities— you  are  not  the  ones  to  decide  what  your  life  is 
worth,  it  has  long  since  been  settled  throughout  the  world 
that  that  is  the  business  of  the  man  who  hires  you.  You 
positively  seem  to  have  no  more  comprehension  of  business 
principles  than  an  angel.  I  degrade  business  principles 
by  talking  with  you,  but  I  will  do  so  since  you  are  only  a 
heathen  African.  Pray,  why  should  I  support  two  lots  of 
men  when  one  lot  can  do  the  work?  Wouldn't  the  food 
of  the  second  lot  be  a  useless  waste?  What  business  is  it 
of  mine  what  becomes  of  that  second  lot  of  workers?  I 
am  only  called  on  to  support  those  I  have  work  for." 

"Glorified  One,"  stammered  he,  humbled  by  my  merciless 
logic,  "it  is  rumored  that  you  are  the  supported  one,  sup- 
ported by  these  workers.  If  they  are  willing  to  support  you, 
does  it  concern  you  how  many  of  them  join  to  do  it?  If 
a  thousand  of  them  can  sustain  you  more  easily  than  five 
hundred,  and  all  the  thousand  get  a  living  for  themselves 
too,  are  you  not  satisfied?" 

"By  no  means,"  I  roared,  "for  I  can  allow  only  that 
number  to  support  me  from  whom  I  can  derive  the  best 
support  and  extract  the  most  wealth  besides.  This  is  the 
Science  of  Being  Supported,  popularly  called  Political 
Economy  because  politics  are  always  used  to  economize 
the  food  of  the  workers,  and  a  supported  person  would  be 
a  baboon  indeed  if  he  allowed  his  supporters  to  dissipate 
on  their  own  stomachs  wealth  he  might  have.  Not  only  a 
baboon  but  one  quite  ripe  for  a  lunacy  commission." 

I  felt  his  pulse  and  continued: 

"Be  honest  with  yourself  a  minute,  for  you  will  soon  be 
at  the  mercy  of  One  Who  Abominates  Foolish  Thinking 
And  Punishes  Fools :  if  these  micro-minded  Rinyos  were 


THE  TERROR 


103 


suffered  to  connect  the  idea  of  rights  to  anything  at  all 
with  their  own  stomachs,  where  would  it  end?  Wouldn't 
every  roaring  rogue  of  them  soon  be  saying  that  he  had 
a  right  to  as  much  food  and  as  much  gold  as  I?" 

Thereupon  the  cantankerous  beast  let  himself  out  in  the 
following  farrago : 

"We  claim  the  right  to  have  work  wherewith  to  earn  our 
food.  Food  is  abundant.  We  declare  the  Law  of  Food  to 
be  that  every  one  has  a  just  right  to  a  share  of  food  equal 
to  that  of  every  other  person,  if  he  is  zvilliiig  to  zvork, 
whether  you  grant  him  work  or  not.  Wherefore  we  have 
made  up  our  minds  to  take  food  from  you  or  any  one  who 
has  it  if  you  refuse  us  work." 

I  gasped  as  the  dying  man  hysterically  ejaculated  this 
nauseous  drivel.  "Bosh"  was  on  the  end  of  my  tongue 
but  I  retained  it.  The  knave  was  ages  ahead  of  his  time, 
and  by  blurting  out  the  naked  truth  like  that  had  certainly 
lost  the  sympathy  of  the  whole  tribe ;  while  as  for  taking 
food  from  anybody,  his  tottering  tissues  could  not  have 
done  so  from  a  butterfly. 

"You  are  an  anarchist,"  said  I  in  a  very  loud  voice. 
"You  deserve  nothing  after  venting  such  inflammatory 
drool ;  whether  you  receive  anything  shall  be  left  to  the 
people," — whereupon  I  repeated  his  insolent  speech  to  the 
assemblage. 

How  could  the  situation  have  shaped  itself  more  merrily 
to  my  purpose?  This  man  had  proclaimed  his  right  to  take 
food  from  us  all :  now  it  happened  that  all  the  people  had 
far  less  than  enough,  and  if  the  smallest  quantity  were 
taken  from  them  they  would  suffer ;  I,  however,  had  a  great 
plethora  and  could  feed  the  entire  nation  well  without 
depriving  myself.  But  just  here  was  the  snare  in  which 
I  caught  them:  if  the  people  admitted  the  starving  man's 
right  to  take  food  from  me  who  would  not  miss  it,  they 
seemed  to  admit  also  his  right  to  seize  food  from  them, 


I04 


THE   HORROBOOS 


who  would  miss  it  frightfully — so  they  were  all  much 
angered  at  the  idea  of  his  taking  it  from  anyone,  and  were 
fiercely  incensed  against  the  spokesman,  at  whom  they  cried, 
"Down  with  the  anarchist!"  (without  knowing  what  it 
meant).     "Death  to  him!"  which  neatly  saved  me. 

So  in  excellent  spirits  I  delivered  the  outwitted  spokes- 
man over  to  them,  to  be  dragged  off  to  a  high  eminence 
and  pitched  down  upon  the  jagged  rocks  below,  to  bleach 
there  until  the  centuries  should  catch  up  with  him.  It  was 
better  for  him  to  be  dead,  for,  born  so  long  ahead  of  his 
time,  no  one  could  understand  him,  and  loveless  and  mate- 
less  he  was  destined  to  wander  the  bleak  world  alone.  I  did 
him  a  kindness  to  chuck  him  out  of  it. 


CHAPTER  XVII 
Better  Than  Bullets 

After  this  little  comedy  it  flashed  into  my  mind  how  to 
deal  with  the  survivors. 

"Work,"  observed  I  caressingly,  waving  the  populace  to 
close  about  me  in  an  open-mouthed  human  wall  far-stretch- 
ing and  greedy  for  knowledge,  "is  no  man's  right,  as  the 
departed  fanatic  who  was  just  with  us  probably  now  sus- 
pects. The  proof  of  this  virtuous  universal  law  is  Nature's 
unfailing  association  of  believers  in  the  right  to  work,  with 
jagged  rocks,  police  clubs,  prison  cells,  guillotines,  gibbets, 
gatling  guns  and  other  visible  manifestations  of  nature's 
convictions.  These  things  always  follow  an  advanced  man 
as  burns  follow  fire,  revealing  nature's  design  that  we  should 
keep  enlightened  thoughts  out  of  our  heads,  in  which  I 
agree  with  nature.  If  every  man  had  a  right  to  work, 
coupled  with  suitable  pay  for  it,  w^e  should  be  unable  to 
hold  the  poor  in  their  place;  no  man  could  get  rich  by 


BETTER  THAN  BULLETS  105 

keeping  others  poor,  for  as  no  workers  would  be  out  of 
work,  no  employer  could  force  down  general  wages  by 
threatening  to  hire  the  workless  in  place  of  his  workers 
at  less  pay." 

"Tremendous !"  acclaimed  the  populace ;  "there  must  be 
men  out  of  jobs,  we  see  it  now,  dear  Master;  that's  one  of 
the  prices  we  pay  for  having  you,  and  we  know  very  well 
that  if  you  didn't  pay  us  wages  we  should  all  die." 

"That  you  would,"  echoed  I,  "speedily." 

"But  how  are  you  going  to  satisfy  the  workless  with  their 
situation?"  asked  they,  "a  situation  so  necessary  to  your 
wealth  and  our  lamentable  want?" 

"That's  easy  too,"  affirmed  I,  "with  a  little  reasoning. 
And  now  since  your  hearts  are  again  juicy  with  love,  and 
your  minds  duly  sensitive  to  the  iniquity  of  justice,  I  will 
tell  you  how. 

"You  knew  not  the  true  aim  of  life  and  had  experienced 
neither  happiness  nor  virtue  before  I  came.  I  taught  you 
that  the  noblest  aim  of  being  is  to  make  some  one  else  rich ; 
here,  I  am  the  one ;  it  is  by  laboring  for  that  sanctified  end 
that  you  become  happy  and  virtuous.  Otherwise  your  joy 
is  froth  and  your  goodness  crime,  and  I  might  say  your 
whole  life  is  as  vain  as  a  boil.     Is  this  clear?" 

"And  sparkling  as  wine,"  they  boomed. 

"Now  there  is  one  very  common  mistake  made  by  men 
in  passing  up  into  these  alpine  theories  of  rarified  happiness 
and  I  fear  you  arc  making  it.  You  seem  to  think,  as  many 
uncultured  people  before  you  have  thought,  that  life  is 
necessary  to  happiness — which  is  a  chaotic  error  that  some 
workingmen  are  especially  addicted  to.  Take  my  word  for 
it,  you  can  be  just  as  happy  dead  as  alive,  and  happier  if 
your  religion  does  not  leak,  for  religion  notifies  us  that  the 
best  happiness  is  kept  in  a  refrigerator  in  the  sky  awaiting 
the  arrival  of  our  corpses.  Dear  souls,  as  a  common  man's 
daily  virtue  consists  in  going  without  what  he  needs,  his 


jo5  THE   HORROBOOS 

supreme  virtue  lies  in  going  without  life  for  his  betters' 
sake,  which  we  often  remind  him  of  by  taking  it  away  from 
him.  We  find  that  death  trains  him  to  enjoy  being  dead; 
he  develops  an  instinct  for  staying  dead.  These  combina- 
tions of  bones  that  are  clamoring  for  food  there,  are  blind 
to  the  happiness  they  enjoy  in  being  permitted  to  die  for  a 
great  cause.     As  I  remarked,  I  am  that  cause. 

"Now  let  us  scientifically  examine  the  absurdity  of  their 
rebelling  against  such  a  mission.  The  science  of  it,  beloved 
children,  is  as  follows: 

"When  a  system  of  society  is  changed,  those  who  cannot 
fit  in  ought  to  be  very  much  disgusted  with  themselves  to 
go  on  living  in  everybody's  way,  selfish  hindrances  to  the 
happiness  of  the  new  system. 

"There  is  science  enunciated  in  ultimates.  Reason  here 
reaches  the  philosophical  union  of  oneness  and  circumfer- 
ence ;  science  achieves  the  Absolute,  skins  it,  stuffs  it,  and 
rests  in  it  forever. 

"From  the  above  mighty  induction  an  inference  no  less 
than  this  is  deduced :  Civilization  joins  with  religion  in 
the  transcendent  postulate  that  a  workingman's  life  is  worth- 
less, and  its  one  redeeming  action  death,  when  it  pleases 
the  rich." 

In  reverence  for  science  I  paused  and  mopped  my  brow ; 
the  shoals  of  Rinyos  who  had  pursued  my  keen  synthesis 
with  lurid  delight  trumpeted  assent. 

"However,  I  shall  not  insist  on  the  happiness  of  these 
murky-minded  tramps  who  spurn  the  matchless  pleasures 
of  death.  It  shall  depend  on  you.  I  can  give  them  no 
work,  because  I  will  not  be  unjust  to  you.  Were  I  to  de- 
prive you  occasionally  of  the  picks  and  shovels  for  their 
use  for  a  time,  you  could  not  earn  enough  to  live  in  the 
happy  state  of  semi-starvation  to  which  I  have  assigned 
you.  I  can  give  them  no  food,  for,  whatever  crimes  may 
gibber  at  my  door,  I  refuse  to  commit  that  most  execrable 
one  of  pauperizing  the  paupers. 


BETTER  THAN  BULLETS  107 

"But  I  will  not  force  death  on  them.  I  grant  you  all 
permission  to  give  them  a  remnant  of  your  lean  victuals — 
of  which  you  already  have  far  from  enough — if  you  desire 
to  do  so  in  defiance  of  the  law  I  shall  make  that  they  must 
not  ask  for  it,  disregarding  which  will  entail  a  hundred 
lashes  and  jail  on  the  culprit." 

I  held  up  my  hand  to  check  the  volcanic  applause  elicited 
by  this  generosity  and  continued :  "I  do  this  to  teach  you 
christian  charity,  your  poverty  of  which  appals  me.  The 
foundation  of  christian  charity  is  that  you  shall  allow  me 
to  take  the  larger  part  of  everything  in  order  to  make  a 
handsome  host  of  sufferers  for  you  to  help.  If  I  did  not 
seize  everything  there  would  be  no  sufferers  and  no  oppor- 
tunity for  charity,  when  Christianity  would  die  of  having 
nothing  to  do,  so  that  the  existence  of  Christianity  rests  on 
me.  You  see,  I  am  a  divine  institution.  It  pleases  Buzz- 
rack  to  have  sufferers  helped,  but  not  much  helped,  for 
people  think  of  Buzzrack  only  when  they  are  suffering; 
and  thinking  of  Buzzrack  is  religion.  If  helped  a  little 
they  imagine  that  Buzzrack  is  the  helper,  and,  pleading 
for  more  help,  they  keep  him  in  mind.  Therefore  the  great- 
est benefactor  of  mankind,  and  Buzzrack's  best  friend,  is 
he  who  creates  sufferers.  I  came  here  largely  for  that 
purpose.  It  would  be  wrong  for  me  to  assist  these  evanes- 
cent human  skin-sacks,  for  that  would  take  away  the  privi- 
lege of  doing  so  from  you :  the  blessing  comes  only  when 
those  who  have  next  to  nothing  help  those  who  have  noth- 
ing. 

"But  here  is  a  point  that  will  be  of  service  to  the  brighter 
intellects :  if  any  of  you  by  the  hypnotic  action  of  eloquence 
upon  your  neighbor's  emotions,  or  by  the  promise  that  he 
will  receive  a  duplex  heavenly  reward,  can  induce  him  to 
give  these  stalwart  beggars  twice  his  share,  you  need  give 
nothing  yourself." 

The  crowd  of  potential  rioters  dispersed,  engrossed  in 


Io8  THE    HORROBOOS 

discussion  of  the  new  ideas  I  had  given  them,  each  trying 
to  induce  the  man  at  his  elbow  to  present  the  surplus  starv- 
ers  with  a  porcupine's  neck,  a  chicken's  bill,  an  eagle's 
claw,  or  some  other  morsel  of  delicacy  to  eat,  so  that  he 
might  not  have  to  give  anything  himself,  meanwhile  leaving 
the  dying  ghosts  in  the  square  quite  unattended,  with  noth- 
ing but  a  contribution  of  general  human  kindness  cut  in 
thin  slices  to  subsist  on.  Everybody  looked  upon  these 
evaporating  paupers  as  persons  to  escape  giving  anything 
to,  while  getting  the  credit  on  earth  and  in  heaven  of  hav- 
ing generously  supplied  their  wants,  which  was  the  covert 
design  I  had  had  in  addressing  them. 

Several  of  the  workless  in  fact  now  died  on  the  ground 
before  my  eyes,  upon  whose  shadowy  incarnations  the  police- 
men swiftly  jumped  to  eat  the  remains  raw,  but  they  could 
find  no  vestige  of  flesh  anywhere  on  the  delinquent  frames 
to  console  their  teeth.  They  would  probably  all  have  died, 
being  too  weak  to  get  home,  if  a  new  illumination  had  not 
possessed  me.  I  ordered  a  couple  of  cans  of  dishwater 
and  garbage  from  the  nearest  hotel  and  issued  permission 
to  the  sufferers  to  eat. 

"The  State  is  merciful,"  commented  I,  "and  its  bowels 
of  compassion  cannot  allow  you  to  die  yet.  Come  around 
to  the  mines  tomorrow  and  I  think  I  can  still  make  you 
useful." 

They  came  as  ordered,  their  wives  and  children  carry- 
ing the  weakest  of  them.  Choosing  a  broad-topped  boul- 
der where  the  sun  beat  spitefully  down,  so  large  that  they 
could  all  group  in  a  huddle  on  its  crest,  "Stand  there,*'  said 
I,  "before  the  eyes  of  the  rest  while  they  work :  it  will 
show  them  what  a  privilege  they  enjoy  in  having  work ; 
for  if  I  did  not  furnish  them  work  they  would  be  where 
you  are.  You  are  an  object-lesson  of  my  sleepless  kindness 
to  your  companions,  whom  I  graciously  permit  to  toil  and 
make  me  a  multi-billionaire.     When  they  see  your  ghastly 


BETTER  THAN  BULLETS  109 

plight  they  will  adore  me  as  the  giver  of  their  happiness, 
and  will  toil  harder  lest  I  should  take  away  their  job  and 
reduce  them  to  what  you  are." 

The  starvers  thanked  me  with  tears  and  happy  cries  for 
making  them  useful  again  and  giving  them  a  cause  to 
exist,  if  only  as  mere  skin,  also  inquiring,  very  decently, 
how  they  were  to  live  while  they  carried  on  this  occupa- 
tion. 

"Let  me  consider,"  answered  I,  musing.  "You  may  beg 
what  you  can  get  of  the  workers  if  you  will  do  it  on  the 
sly.  If  you  are  seen  begging  I  shall  have  to  let  you  do  time 
in  jail  for  six  months  and  feed  you  on  'a  common  w^ingless 
parasitic  insect,  with  a  flat  body,  and  short  legs  furnished 
with  claws,'  which  you  will  be  authorized  to  gather  from 
the  jail  walls  and  your  own  personalities.  It  will  be  an 
appetizing  contest  to  see  which  consumes  the  other  first. 
I  inflict  this  punishment  because  if  the  workers  are  bitten 
by  the  fancy  that  they  can  live  well  like  you  by  begging 
they  will  all  drop  work  and  turn  beggars  too,  which,  be- 
tween you  and  me  as  honest  men,  I  would  do  if  I  were  in 
their  places  rather  than  toil  my  head  off  for  somebody  else 
as  they  are  doing." 

They  agreed  to  this  and  cheerfully  applied  themselves 
to  their  new  profession,  tho  thinking  their  wage  a  little 
slim.  At  this  juncture  I  assembled  the  workers  in  a  separate 
place  alone  to  give  them  a  private  tip  to  this  efifect : 

"^'These  fellows,"  explained  I,  "who  profess  they  cannot 
get  work  and  are  certain  to  beg  for  your  help,  are  really  a 
pack  of  lazy  liars  that  do  not  want  work  and  would  not 
do  a  stroke  if  they  could  get  it;  they  would  dodge  a  job 
if  they  thought  it  liable  to  hit  them;  you  can  see  this  by 
the  size  and  rectitude  of  their  exhibited  bones,  of  which 
I  never  saw  finer  living  specimens  uncovered.  Work  is 
running  after  them  all  the  time  and  they  are  running  faster 
to  get  away  from  it,  in  spite  of  the  fact  that  their  weak- 


no  THE   HORROBOOS 

ness  is  such  that  they  can  just  walk.  When  these  merry 
hoboes  soHcit  alms  remember  that  most  of  them  are  impos- 
tors and  don't  be  taken  in.  As  there  may  be  a  few  deserv- 
ing ones  among  them  you  can  give  a  small  dole  here  and 
there,  but  with  discrimination,  first  dissecting  their  stomachs 
to  corroborate  their  statements  if  possible." 

I  nevertheless  made  my  hearers  clearly  comprehend  that 
there  were  many  more  workers  than  were  needed,  to  hinder 
them  from  demanding  an  enlargement  of  their  pay.  Nor 
did  I  try  to  reconcile  this  assertion  with  the  one  that  the 
starving  surplus  were  idle  because  they  were  lazy,  and  that 
they  could  work  if  they  wished — there  was  no  need  of 
reconciling  them.  The  barbaric  black  mind  prefers  its  ideas 
loose  and  roving,  and  is  so  roomy  that  mutually  slaughter- 
ing notions  can  swim  around  in  it  without  finding  each 
other.     The  white  mind  is  not  like  this. 

I  had  now  completely  steeled  the  people  against  these 
expiring  wrecks,  so  that  never  again  could  there  be  danger 
of  a  rising  in  their  behalf.  It  is  truly  wonderful  what  our 
Western  charitable  ideas  will  do  when  sagaciously  stacked. 
They  coil  about  and  prostrate  the  savage  intellect  like  chlor- 
oform. It  is  a  mistake  to  suppose  that  whiskey  and  the 
christian  venereal  diseases  are  the  best  means  for  exter- 
minating savages :  whiskey  and  christian  charity  adminis- 
tered by  upright  minds  are  far  more  efficient.  I  can  vouch 
for  this  from  my  own  success.  I  even  got  along  perfectly 
without  the  whiskey,  but  I  have  a  better  grasp  of  christian 
ideas  than  most.  To  deal  correctly  with  idolators  the 
choicest  thoughts  of  our  humanitarian  thinkers  are  better 
than  the  choicest  soft-nosed  bullets.  Wherever  bullets  are 
resorted  to  I  consider  that  brains  and  christian  principles 
are  wanting.  But  where  brains  and  character  are  absent, 
as  they  are  from  most  civilizers,  I  advise  the  use  of  bullets 
that  spread  as  they  go  in.  'They  have  an  impact  ball  and 
small  air  chamber  inserted  in  the  point,  making  the  expan- 


BETTER  THAN  BULLETS  HI 

sion  positive.  They  are  quite  different  from  the  usual 
"soft-nosed"  or  mushrooming  type  of  bullet.  The  ball  acts 
as  a  wedge  with  scientific  accuracy  and  compels  the  metal 
jacket  to  expand  the  instant  it  strikes  a  soft  tissue.  It  tears 
a  large  wound,  which  is  sufficient  to  bring  down  the  heathen 
by  blood  loss  alone.'  But  the  moral  objection  to  them  is 
that  while  they  open  ample  holes  for  the  soul  to  escape 
they  carry  no  attachment  for  saving  that  eternal  entity  on 
its  way  out.  A  text  of  scripture  might  be  packed  in  each 
bullet  but  for  the  expense.  These  bullets  act  more  con- 
cisely than  grog  and  I  concede  are  nearly  as  infallible  as 
the  christian  harem  diseases.  Yet  they  are  all  very  much 
like  combing  the  hair  with  a  hayrake,  compared  with  the 
scientific  transports  I  feel  from  watching  my  civilized  doc- 
trinal poisons  extirpate  the  savages'  various  powers  while 
still  permitting  their  desouled  bodies  to  walk  about  alive. 

My  victory  in  the  instance  just  cited  was  complete.  At 
the  same  time,  for  the  purpose  of  soaking  the  superfluous 
Rinyos  with  a  reverence  for  the  State  embodied  in  me,  I 
had  the  garbage  and  dishwater  hauled  up  to  their  rock 
every  third  day.  There  was  soon  a  vile  epidemic  among 
them  which  carried  off  three  hundred.  I  had  now  the 
choice  of  saving  the  garbage  to  enrich  the  soil  of  Africa  or 
of  creating  another  batch  of  superfluous  appetities  to  take 
their  places,  nor  did  I  hesitate.  I  had  learned  that  the 
horrible  presence  of  these  unused  men  as  an  overhanging 
threat  to  the  rest  made  all  the  latter  work  as  if  the  devil 
were  pronging  them,  from  dread  of  getting  there  them- 
selves ;  so  when  the  three  hundred  died  I  discharged  three 
hundred  more  into  idleness,  to  go  upon  the  loathsome  rock 
and  take  their  turn  with  the  plague,  giving  as  a  reason  for 
doing  so  that  the  picks  and  shovels  were  wearing  out  too 
fast. 

Tho  the  pest  continued  its  distressing  business  on  the 
rock  I  had  no  fear  of  the  contagion  reaching  me,  since  I 


112  THE    HORROBOOS 

lived  well  and  maintained  excellently  virtuous  habits.  The 
appearance  of  consumption  in  a  very  expeditious  form 
among  the  workers  displeased  me  more,  because  a  general 
depopulation  of  the  realm  would  shrivel  my  income.  Con- 
sumption is  a  well-known  moral  agency  needing  no  word 
of  praise.  It  is  the  safest  adjunct  of  Christianity  for  de- 
populating the  unnecessary  poor,  as  our  capable  tenements 
in  my  dear  American  fatherland  show. 

Prosperity  was  now  incarnate.  I  found  that  ghastly 
rock,  the  hideous  perch  of  the  rotting  surplus  workers, 
more  potent  as  a  power  for  good  than  a  thousand  whipping 
posts  could  ever  have  been  for  the  purification  of  the  slave. 


CHAPTER  XVIII 
RiNYO  JMarriage 

As  time  sped  the  King  and  his  subjects,  besides  their 
interesting  and  instructive  crop  of  new  diseases  which  I 
studied  closely,  taking  voluminous  notes  for  the  benefit  of 
science,  thinned  notably,  and  the  great  chief  was  less  jubi- 
lant and  talkative  than  of  yore;  so  that  I  had  almost  to 
drag  him  out  of  his  palace  on  Sundays  to  get  him  to  take 
the  air. 

'T  never  could  understand  those  sheets  of  leaves  strung 
about  between  the  trees  by  your  women  and  torn  down 
by  the  wind  every  time  it  blows,  only  to  be  repaired  at 
infinite  trouble  and  hung  up  again.  I  notice  your  female 
population  does  hardly  anything  but  gather  the  leaves  and 
weave  and  reweave  them." 

"Oh,"  smiled  Milto  with  something  of  his  old  fire,  "that 
is  the  natural  occupation  of  women,  it  is  what  determines 
a  woman's  quality,  those  who  have  the  largest  number  of 
leaves  sewn  together  at  any  time  rank  highest  amongst  us. 


RINYO  MARRIAGE  II3 

Rank  or  quality  is  thus  founded  upon  the  true  principle 
of  the  wind  and  changes  with  every  storm.  Some  have 
pieced  together  fifty  thousand  leaves  between  blows ;  they 
climb  into  the  trees  with  the  agility  of  monkeys  and  strip 
them  one  after  another,  causing  many  to  die,  as  you  can 
see,  which  we  sadly  regret  but  cannot  prevent  without  de- 
priving our  womenkind  of  the  magic  of  life." 

"Are  these  leaves  of  any  use?"  I  questioned  curiously. 

"Is  it  not  of  the  greatest  use  to  perform  a  task  which 
requires  unspeakable  labor  and  excels  everybody  else  and 
is  universally  admired?  Besides,  our  men  select  their 
wives  on  this  principle.  There  is  a  famous  rush  to  marry 
the  woman  who  has  woven  the  broadest  sheet  of  leaves. 
If  a  storm  comes  tomorrow  and  reduces  her  to  the  lowest 
insignificance  by  destroying  her  magnificent  possession,  it 
is  always  remembered  that  at  one  time  she  had  very  excel- 
lent blood  in  her  veins ;  contempt  for  her  family  decay  is 
mingled  with  a  morsel  of  pity,  and  the  best  of  it  is  she  at 
once  goes  diligently  to  work  to  repair  her  lineage  by  twin- 
ing another  patchwork  of  foliage.  In  this  she  is  aided  by 
the  husband,  who  beats  her  if  she  is  idle  and  compels  her 
to  sew  while  he  sleeps,  for  it  adds  great  luster  to  his  person 
to  have  a  wife  with  a  wide  sheet.  The  husbands  also  con- 
trive incantations  which  they  use  with  great  power  tho 
I  know  not  with  what  effect  against  winds.  When  a  storm 
is  approaching  they  repair  to  the  trees  where  they  place 
themselves  in  front  of  their  wives'  handiwork  on  the  windy 
side  and  hurl  their  charms  at  the  storm,  each  begging  it  to 
strike  his  neighbors'  property  and  spare  his  own." 

"I  have  intended  to  study  your  marriage  system  when 
trade  should  permit,  and  I  infer  that  it  is  closely  connected 
with  wind." 

"That  is  its  basis,"  said  he,  "and  we  regard  the  family 
as  the  foundation  of  society.  Wind  is  therefore  the  ulti- 
mate rock  of  our  national  stability.    There  would  be  a  ter- 


114  THE   HORROBOOS 

rible  eruption  of  licentiousness  if  human  passions  were  not 
restrained  by  tlie  wind." 

"How  is  that?"  I  exclaimed,  not  quite  crediting  the  vibra- 
tions of  my  tympanum. 

He  replied :  "A  woman  is  supposed  to  be  devoid  of  vir- 
tue who  does  not  own  a  fabric  of  leaves  above  a  certain 
size  suspended  in  the  trees,  and  whether  married  or  not 
she  is  then  exposed  to  general  insult,  from  which  more- 
over by  our  laws  she  cannot  protect  herself  tho  it  be 
most  abhorrent;  but  when  her  leafy  curtain  again  reaches 
the  dimensions  required  by  virtue,  her  purity  is  restored 
and  all  men  observe  a  courtly  and  even  cringing  reverence 
in  their  demeanor  to  her — so  ennobling  is  the  power  of  the 
feminine  when  sustained  by  leaves.  Storms  are  the  dead- 
liest enemy  of  womankind,  for  by  these  their  virtue  and 
fortunes  fall." 

"What  do  you  do  if  she  breaks  the  law  and  repels  the 
solicitous  ?" 

"Put  her  on  bread  and  water,  gradually  lessening  the 
bread  and  increasing  the  water,  in  which  she  is  obliged  to 
stand,  until  she  is  induced  to  realize  her  dependence  on 
the  sovereign  scorn  of  men.  Sm'guth !  if  she  will  not  yield 
then  we  let  her  die,  for  we  do  not  want  that  kind  of  women 
in  our  tribe.  They  would  be  spreading  their  immorality." 
"How  does  her  husband  take  this?"  asked  I,  feeling  a 
shrinkage  of  self-complacency  over  my  previous  ignorance 
of  the  world. 

"He  assists  in  her  punishment.  In  fact  he  is  ashamed 
of  her  and  considers  himself  maritally  liberated  until  she 
restores  her  leaves  to  the  proper  standard." 

"You  must  curse  the  storms  and  hate  nature !"  I  groaned 
sympathetically.  "Oh !  embrace  civilization,  learn  its  better 
way,  where  those  who  love  once  love  forever  and  expect 
to  continue  doing  so  when  they  are  dead  unless  the  pro- 
prieties of  heaven  are  opposed  to  it." 


RINYO  MARRIAGE  1 15 

Milto  dashed  his  head  violently  against   a  stone  three 
times,  which  was  equivalent  in  that  tribe  to  crossing  him- 
self, and  his  eyes  eddied  wildly,  turning  their  balls  so  far 
inward  that  one  imagined  he  was  able  to  see  into  his  own 
mind.      "Curse   the   storm!"    he   murmured,    simulating   a 
swoon  for  a  few  seconds.    "What  have  I  done  to  cause  you 
to  blaspheme  in  my  presence  and  tempt  the  wrath  of  God 
upon  my  stainless  people?     The  storm  is  our  preserver. 
Except  for  the  storm  our  men  and  women  would  be  obliged 
to    remain    together   in   nauseous   wedlock,   suffering   the 
pangs  and  tortures  of  mutual  hate  after  their  love  had  died. 
The  blessed  wind  comes  and  tears  away  the  material  struc- 
ture of  the  leaves  to  which  merit  is  hung,  and  society  is 
directly  liquefied  again,  to  recrystallize  anew  according  to 
the  laws  of  true  affinity  and  worth.     We  thus  avoid  the 
shocking  degeneracy  that  would  follow  if  we  established 
a  family  on  one  achievement  in  leaves  and  made  it  lasting. 
The  wife  must  continue  to  struggle  and  grow ;  every  wind 
is  a  new  stimulus  to  her  progress,  to  reproduce,  preserve, 
and  increase  what  she  has  won.     If  this  were  not  so  and 
a  woman,  having  once  placed  herself  in  the  front  rank  of 
society,    enriched    her   blood    and    elevated    her    character 
through  the  great  size  of  her  umbrageous  texture,  could 
retain  her  eminence  and  hand  it  down  on  a  memory,  she 
would  soon  become  a  worthless  jade,  idle,  fat  and  proud 
of  a  bursted  bubble,  with  a  brood  of  lazy,  detestable  spawn 
at  her  ankles,  having  transmitted  nothing  but  a  pulpy  body 
and  soggy  mind  to  these  silly  poodlets,  who  would  shortly 
bring  the   tribe  to   annihilation   by   neighbors    with   more 
scientific  marriage  ideas.     Do  not  curse  the  storms."     He 
ceased  speaking  and  toyed  with  one  of  the  bosky  appur- 
tenances of  the  higher  life. 

"It  is  a  most  delicate  work,"  I  admitted,  examining  it 
with  candor.  "I  notice  that  all  the  leaves  are  fitted  with  fine 
precision  in  the  same  manner  to  the  width  of  a  hair.  This 
must  also  be  designed." 


Ii6  THE    HORROBOOS 

"It  is,  for  in  it  lies  the  excellency  of  the  art.  Unless  the 
various  parts  of  each  leaf  are  joined  to  those  of  others  in  a 
correct  style  it  is  not  regarded  as  a  screen  and  the  hapless 
artificer  is  still  a  nobody." 

I  went  through  a  mental  debate  on  the  ethics  of  speak- 
ing further  to  a  wild  African  on  the  chaste  subject  of  human 
sex.  I  learned  afterward  that  some  tribes  are  more  refined 
and  susceptible  concerning  the  mention  of  this  delicate  dis- 
tinction than  are  we  ourselves ;  that  no  difference  between 
men  and  women  is  recognized  in  their  vocabularies  from  an 
exalted  native  modesty  transmitted  from  the  orang,  and  that 
the  young  are  severely  rebuked  and  punished  by  their 
parents  if  they  make  an  allusion  to  nature  before  they  are 
thirty  years  old.  The  subject  of  anatomy  is  never  allowed 
to  enter  the  schools  and  doctors  may  not  practise  prior  to 
their  eightieth  year.  I  was  delighted  at  this  nicety  and 
thought  these  people  might  very  well  have  moved  in  our 
most  cultured  society. 

"There  is  some  correspondence  between  this  art  of  leaves 
and  the  science  of  licking,  if  my  mind  is  clear,"  said  I ; 
"they  both  seem  to  be  highly  exact,  each  intricately  com- 
plicated, each  the  supreme  object  of  the  life  of  a  sex,  and 
they  are  equally  useless.     Do  I  imagine  this  rightly?" 

"You  do,"  he  assented  rapturously.  "These  two  objects 
are  the  very  quintessence  of  our  tribal  being,  after  eating 
and  killing.  Our  prominent  lickers,  those  with  the  most 
eminent  poles,  aspire  to  connect  themselves  in  marriage 
with  the  exalted  ladies  who  possess  the  largest  fortune  in 
leaves,  and  these  high  women  proudly  disdain  inferior  males. 
So  it  is  that  our  tribe's  best  blood  ever  mingles  and  we 
continually  produce  new  generations  of  more  cunning  lick- 
ers and  more  artful  weavers." 


ASTOUNDING  INSTITUTIONS  117 

CHAPTER  XIX 

Astounding  Institutions  of  the  Horroboos 

King  Milto  often  spoke  in  terms  of  rapt  affection  of  his 
bosom  friend  Emperor  Griffelak,  one  of  his  nearest  neigh- 
bors, commanding  a  kindred  tribe  one  hundred  miles  away, 
with  whom  he  had  been  educated  in  the  same  university. 
As  his  health  grew  delicate  his  mind  became  pensive  and 
these  references  to  his  friend  more  frequent.  A  change, 
thought  I,  would  do  His  Majesty  good,  for  if  I  am  not 
careful  of  him  he  may  not  last  out  the  gold  season,  and 
the  loss  of  the  queen  bee  would  disrupt  my  speculations ; 
so  I  proposed  that  we  should  take  an  outing  and  pay  a  visit 
to  this  great  section  of  the  Horroboo  nation,  toward  whom 
I  also  was  drawn  by  his  wonderful  accounts  of  their  ad- 
vanced institutions. 

"The  Guardians  of  Food  can  take  care  of  the  works  for 
a  short  season,"  I  said  to  him,  "and  while  the  people  are 
busy  at  their  daily  toil  they  will  not  get  into  mischief,  tho 
I  and  you  are  away.  Do  not  worry  about  the  mines,  wages 
are  high  and  everyone  is  contented,  and  we  have  no  base 
social  agitators  in  our  midst  daring  enough  to  flood  the 
diggings." 

Milto  consented  with  blubbering  alacrity,  the  color  re- 
turned to  his  cheeks  and  he  looked  quite  regal  once  more. 
So  one  day,  mounting  two  dromedaries  and  taking  on  foot 
a  large  retinue  of  women  for  purposes  of  state,  we  ad- 
vanced toward  the  mighty  emperor's  domain.  I  omit  sev- 
eral strange  incidents  of  the  journey  to  plunge  at  once  into 
what  hai)pened  when  we  arrived.  Milto  and  Grift'elak 
carried  on  together  like  young  kids.  Having  no  equals  in 
their  own  realms  they  could  indulge  in  none  of  the  ordinary 
and  innocent  pleasures  of  mankind  unless  some  neighbor- 
ing emperor  came  to  spend  the  day  at  play  with  them 


Ii8  THE   HORROBOOS 

I  had  latterly  declined  all  arch  familiarities  with  Milto 
since  rising  above  his  level,  to  keep  him  in  his  proper  place. 
The  august  potentates  now  relaxed;  they  rolled  together 
on  the  sod,  raced,  wrestled,  shinned  up  trees,  stood  com- 
petitively on  their  heads  as  a  test  of  mental  strength,  and 
vied  with  each  other  which  could  lift  the  larger  number 
of  men  with  their  teeth.  To  decide  their  valor  two  power- 
ful barricades  of  timber  were  erected,  from  behind  which 
they  hurled  stones  at  each  other  for  several  hours,  thereby 
honorably  proving  themselves  equal.  A  great  hunt  was 
ordered  for  the  afternoon  of  the  first  day.  Two  hundred 
youths  drove  in  a  herd  of  wild  and  dangerous  hogs  from 
the  wilderness;  these  they  rounded  up  and  held  together 
with  a  fierce  band  of  African  dogs  of  a  special  Horroboo 
breed  more  ferocious  than  tigers  and  nearly  the  size  of 
horses,  while  the  intrepid  monarchs  fired  arrows  at  them 
from  the  limbs  of  a  tree  which  were  regally  cushioned  and 
backed  in  Amboggan  plush  (the  Horroboo  make),  until 
the  entire  battalion  of  savage  brutes  was  slain.  It  was 
thrilling  sport.  All  the  court  ladies  were  present  in  lower 
trees. 

The  following  day  was  passed  inspecting  the  institutions. 
The  first  to  which  I  was  introduced  was  the  Institution 
of  Fat  Men.  of  which  the  Emperor  could  not  speak  without 
an  outburst  of  vanity  quite  offensive  to  our  Caucasian 
reserve. 

'T  noticed  that  you  have  a  number  of  spherical  people," 
said  I,  "but  did  not  know  they  were  an  institution.  I  should 
think  from  appearances  that  you  would  call  them  the  Insti- 
tution of  Male  and  Female  Globular  Abominations." 

"So  we  should,"  Emperor  Griffelak  replied,  "if  we  did 
not  here  consider  it  immodest  to  use  the  term  'female' ; 
none  but  me  and  the  Medical  advisors  of  the  realm  are 
permitted  to  speak  that  sound." 

The  imperial  city  was  peculiarly  laid  out.     It  was  a  col- 


ASTOUNDING  INSTITUTIONS  119 

lection  of  circles,  each  one  being  the  home  of  a  special 
class  of  society,  numbering  in  all  sixteen.  The  perfection 
of  the  social  formation  is  there  attested  not  only  by  the 
great  number  of  classes  which  they  enjoy  but  by  their 
extreme  distinctness  one  from  the  other,  and  by  another 
circumstance  which  made  me  wonder  how  long  civiliza- 
tion would  lag  in  the  rear:  for  it  is  not  permitted  to  those 
of  one  order  to  pass  over  into  the  circle  of  any  other,  the 
sense  of  distinction  has  been  carried  so  high  that  the  pub- 
lic roads  are  divided  into  sixteen  parallel  parts  within  which 
each  class  is  rigidly  confined  in  its  perambulations.  If  they 
transgress  they  are  required  to  submit  themselves  to  a 
painful  process  of  purification,  of  no  less  thoroughness  than 
a  brief  boiling,  afterwards  they  are  exposed  to  the  sun  and 
wind  while  any  remaining  particles  of  pollution  or  impro- 
priety are  removed.  There  was  one  deviation  called  Fat 
Men's  Way,  a  remarkable  avenue  reserved  exclusively  for 
the  emperor  and  the  highest  class,  surrounding  the  royal 
palace  of  bamboo  and  palm-leaves  which  nestled,  charm- 
ingly hidden  among  trees,  in  the  heart  of  the  town.  Just 
outside  of  this  was  the  circular  abode  of  the  far-famed  fat 
people,  which  dififered  from  the  others  in  that  it  contained 
the  smaller  circle  at  its  center,  wherein  this  imperial  resi- 
dence and  its  encompassing  driveway  were  located.  There 
was  a  motive  in  this,  tho  it  was  not  divulged  till  my  famil- 
iarity with  the  institutions  authorized,  which  was  to  keep 
the  Emperor  and  his  conduct  under  the  sharp  espial  of  the 
Fat.  The  noble  monarch  possessed  fifty-nine  other  palaces 
which  he  never  used,  their  purpose  being  to  sustain  the 
dignity  of  the  crown. 

The  Fat  Men's  Way,  or  Imperial  Avenue,  not  less  than 
forty  feet  wide  and  well-  traveled,  was  at  the  time  of  our 
inspection  crowded  with  an  astonishing  assortment  of 
human  figures  passing  and  repassing  in  either  direction. 
Upon  platforms  made  of  cross  poles  and  resting  on  the 


I20  THE   HORROBOOS 

shoulders  of  natives  were  squatted,  or  reclined  upon  their 
backs  sleeping,  the  fat  ponderables  who  seemed  to  be  the 
life  of  the  town.  These  personages  weighed  from  five  to 
eighteen  hundred  pounds  each ;  on  some  frames  a  man  and 
woman  sat  together,  on  others  a  single  sex  alone ;  the  small- 
est number  of  carriers  was  twelve,  and  they  ranged  up- 
ward to  fifty  who  bore  the  weight  of  two  vast  specimens 
of  the  higher  life  having  exactly  the  appearance  of  immense 
shining  black  sea  animals  and  weighing  together  not  a 
grain  less  than  thirty-six  hundred  pounds.  Their  clothing 
was  the  customary  fiber  around  the  waist,  but  their  jet 
black  bushy  hair  made  amends  for  the  absence  of  linens, 
jewelry  and  silks.  It  was  very  thick,  wiry  and  stiff,  and 
twined  together  by  natural  growth  to  stand  out  an  aston- 
ishing distance  from  the  head  in  all  directions  and  upward, 
forming  a  canopy  impenetrable  to  the  rays  of  the  sun  or 
to  cloud-bursts,  and  useful  in  the  recumbent  posture  not 
only  as  a  pillow  but  for  a  mattress  under  the  upper  part 
of  the  body ;  while  in  cold  weather,  when  in  a  squat  pos- 
ture, the  owners  could  nearly  cover  themselves  with  this 
beautiful  black  fleece  of  nature.  At  the  head  of  each  was 
a  woman  kneading  and  rubbing  the  scalp  to  make  the  hair 
grow  still  more,  while  each  head  contained  a  conspicuous 
bunch  of  feathers  numbering  accurately  just  the  pounds  of 
the  personage's  social  weight.  Those  who  reclined,  and 
they  were  the  majority,  were  in  this  position  from  inability 
to  sit  up. 

My  feelings  warmed  toward  these  excellent  savages,  in 
whom  philanthropy  and  altruism  had  developed  in  this 
wonderful  manner,  and  I  jotted  down  in  my  notebook  what 
I  should  say  to  my  own  countrymen  to  shame  them  into 
more  generous  care  of  their  indigent  sufferers. 

"This  I  suppose  is  your  hospital,  Griffelak,"  I  said,  touch- 
ing my  nose  to  his  in  approbation,  their  especial  mark  of 
amity;  'T  have  never  seen  love  carried  so  far  as  this  on 


ASTOUNDING  INSTITUTIONS  121 

any  part  of  the  present  planet  or  elsewhere,  and  you  know 
I  have  traveled  extensively.  It  is  only  on  my  family  estates 
in  the  suburbs  of  Eternity  that  you  will  witness  the  strong 
sacrificing  themselves  for  the  weak.  There  love  is  sweet 
beyond  earthly  premonition ;  the  greatest  lovers  are  the 
grandest  nabobs,  because  capacity  to  love  is  the  measure 
of  magnificence ;  and  all  are  seeking  new  potencies  of  love, 
since  no  better  springs  of  happiness  have  been  discovered 
by  the  shrewdest  investigators  of  delight.  But  here  below 
business  operations  take  precedence  and  we  have  no  leisure 
to  be  happy  in  that  wretchedly  slow  godlike  way ;  it  would 
be  a  loss  of  time  and  money,  and  we  have  to  leave  these 
beautiful  raptures  to  callow  savages  and  celestial  angels 
whose  time  is  cheap,  who  have  neither  stores  nor  steam, 
and  who  do  not  yet  realize  the  sacred  obligations  of  com- 
merce. Wc  have  the  ecstacies  of  mercantile  phrensy,  which 
would  be  quite  a  study  for  the  gods  and  angels  in  their 
present  low  stage  of  evolution.  What  rare  nobility  for 
your  good  men — they  are  your  clergymen  I  suppose — to 
carry  your  poor  invalids  up  and  down  on  their  shoulders 
in  the  healing  air.  I  could  wxep  at  the  sight.  It  is  truly 
heroic,  for  the  wretched  creatures  I  perceive  are  sufifering 
from  a  contagious  leprosy  incident  to  tropical  climates  and 
the  overconsumption  of  their  friends,  of  which  I  have  read, 
and  I  never  saw  such  a  sickening  decomposition  of  human 
corpulence  upon  partially  living  bones  before.  But  allow 
me  one  question :  how  can  so  many  of  your  people  afford 
to  devote  their  days  to  this  affectionate  tendance,  how  can 
they  secure  their  own  livelihood  while  doing  so?  It  must 
be  a  nasty  drain  on  the  labor  strength  of  the  empire,  and, 
if  I  may  say  so  courteously,  a  rather  too  exalted  manifesta- 
tion of  love  for  the  economic  plane  which  your  tribe  has 
reached.  Or  perchance  these  blessed  ministers  are  your 
millionaires  who,  having  absorbed  all  there  is,  are  now 
devoting  themselves  to  higher  things." 


122  THE   HORROBOOS 

Griflfelak  glittered  from  head  to  foot  with  incandescent 
pride,  and  repHed  with  that  impressive  grandeur  which 
characterizes  the  least  acts  of  the  royal  and  great :  "You 
have  a  wonderful  insight;  love  is  indeed  the  chief  substance 
of  our  tribal  nature;  the  strong  delight  to  sacrifice  them- 
selves for  the  weak  by  permitting  themselves  to  be  carried 
in  this  condescending  manner ;  there  is  truly  a  most  ex- 
panded feeling  of  love  within  them  toward  those  who  carry 
them ;  but,  Divine  Sir,  this  is  not  a  hospital,  the  bearers  of 
these  plump  gentlemen  and  ladies  are  not  ill  nor  are  they 
rich,  they  are  not  performing  this  menial  service  for  their 
health  or  to  save  their  souls, — it  is  to  earn  a  living.  And 
as  to  its  being  a  tax  on  the  labor  power  of  the  empire  for 
them  to  be  so  engaged,  really,  Esteemed  Sky-dweller,  it 
is  quite  the  opposite,  if  it  were  not  for  these  fat  benig- 
nancies,  to  give  the  carriers  occupation  and  nutriment,  I 
do  not  see  how  the  poor  devils  would  live." 

"How  is  this?"  I  inqiiired.  "Do  you  mean  that  these 
disgusting  fat  monsters,  who  are  so  enormous  that  they 
can  hardly  stir  a  leg,  support  all  this  retinue  of  able-bodied 
attendants?  How  can  they  support  others  when  they  are 
unable  to  support  a  fraction  of  themselves?" 

"It  could  only  occur  where  the  system  of  justice  is  per- 
fect," he  replied.  "I  have  traveled  among  all  the  tribes  of 
Africa  and  find  none  so  advanced  as  ourselves.  Listen  and 
I  will  teach  you  the  doctrine  of  justice  quickly.  But  first 
sever  your  spirit  from  false  modern  logic,  which  is  a  trap 
we  have  abolished ;  we  reason  according  to  the  eternal  rules 
of  thought- vision,  which  objectively  creates  what  it  men- 
tally sees,  and  sees  what  it  wants  to  see;  we  have  a  mind 
after  our  own  hearts.  These  rules  were  anciently  imparted 
to  us  by  our  sacred  rabbit,  our  blessed  interpreter  of  the 
mind  of  god  to  men."    He  settled  himself  and  began. 


GRIFFELAK  UNCOVERS  SOCIETY  123 

CHAPTER  XX 

Griffelak  Uncovers  the  Foundations  of  Human 
Society 

"Our  food  you  must  know  consists,  in  addition  to  casual 
foreigners,  of  an  earth-burrowing  animal  peculiar  to  these 
parts,  our  mainstay,  in  whose  capture  half  of  the  tribe  is 
regularly  engaged.  It  is  entirely  owned  by  the  fat  powers 
which  you  witness.  But  for  their  generosity  the  tribe  would 
starve,  to  say  nothing  of  the  helpless  creatures  who  carry 
them  up  and  down  and  who  would  never  obtain  a  crust  if 
this  labor  were  not  provided  for  them.  The  philanthropic 
fat  stretch  love  to  the  extreme  of  human  nature  to  keep 
their  laborers  alive;  it  is  our  religion;  the  doctrine  was 
taught  us  by  our  greatest  lawgiver,  who  lived  seven  hun- 
dred thousand  years  ago,  knew  water  from  land,  and  had 
stolen  his  information  from  the  gods  when  living  as  their 
butler  in  a  previous  existence." 

'Tt  may  be  the  very  perfection  of  justice,"  said  I,  "and 
one  of  your  fundamental  economic  doctrines  on  which  prob- 
ably thousands  of  books  have  been  written  by  your  college 
professors  in  a  most  deadly  style,  as  I  suspect  from  having 
bored  through  hundreds  of  the  same  kind  in  my  country, 
but  what  is  to  prevent  these  attendants  from  going  out  to 
catch  food  for  themselves?" 

''That  is  a  deep  and  matter  and  requires  much  learning," 
replied  his  Imperial  Grandeur.  "The  argument  may  seem 
to  you  to  leap  here  and  there  like  a  frog,  but  if  you  are 
educated  you  will  be  able  to  quickly  gather  up  the  hops 
and  make  a  chain  of  thought.  You  must  first  know  that 
the  regular  food-catchers  collect  as  many  animals  as  we 
need :  food  beyond  that  quantity  is  plainly  valueless,  for 
no  one  can  use  it  and  you  do  not  pay  for  unusable  things. 
That  is  self-evident,  as  well  as  being  contained  in  our  Book 


124  "^^^   HORROBOOS 

of  Unutterable  Truth,  wherein  all  wisdom  is  condensed. 
Now  since  the  Fat  Super-Men  own  all  the  food,  whatever 
is  caught  must  be  submitted  to  them  before  anything  is 
done  with  it.  If  superfluous  food,  or  more  than  they  think 
is  needed,  were  fetched  in,  as  it  would  have  no  value  they 
would  give  nothing  to  the  capturers  in  return  for  its  cap- 
ture, and  as  it  is  their  own  property  their  duty  would  be 
to  take  it  from  the  catchers  and  hold  it.  The  poor  hungry 
catchers  having  wasted  their  time  in  useless  effort  would 
then  have  no  food,  and  that  is  why  they  would  be  obliged 
to  perish  of  starvation  if  some  other  labor  were  not  invented 
to  keep  them  alive.  For  that  reason  they  are  magnani- 
mously engaged  to  carry  The  Fat,  for  which  they  are  paid 
enough  food  to  keep  their  muscles  from  quick  death.  Could 
a  Super-God  be  kinder?'' 

"Most  correctly  and  profoundly  reasoned,  Pride  of  the 
Universe,"  said  I,  "but  tell  me  this  also:  If  the  food  brought 
in  is  useless  to  everyone  else  and  would  keep  the  getters 
of  it  alive,  I  should  think  it  a  sensible  reason  for  letting 
those  who  have  gone  to  the  trouble  of  finding  it  keep  it." 

"Outrageous!"  shuddered  Griffelak,  "a  very  upheaving 
doctrine !  which  would  destroy  our  system  of  society  by 
knocking  out  the  beams  of  speculation  here  and  a  pillar 
of  morals  there !  But  we  might  survive  seeing  our  society 
go  if  it  were  not  overthrown  by  charity!  Can't  you  see 
how  it  would  debauch  these  carriers  if  the  game  which  they 
might  hunt  and  dig,  being  other  people's  game,  were  given 
to  them  for  the  mere  labor  of  digging  or  catching  it?  They 
must  pay  some  useful  service  to  the  owners  to  preserve 
their  self-respect  from  decay.  But  perhaps  you  think  it 
a  small  thing  to  destroy  a  system  of  society,  perhaps  you 
think  something  could  take  the  place  of  carrying  fat  men 
as  a  foundation  of  things ;  but  you  little  know  the  de- 
pravity of  man  if  you  believe  it.  Carrying  the  fat  is  the 
hub  of  our  tribal  chariot,  our  whole  theory  of  life  revolves 


GRIFFELAK  UNCOVERS  SOCIETY  125 

about  it,  it  is  the  source  of  our  food  and  the  fountain 
of  our  happiness,  for  to  see  our  beloved  fat  prodigies 
transported  up  and  down  the  avenue  is  our  grand  national 
pastime  and  pride :  deny  us  that  ennobling  recreation  and 
we  might  as  well  live  in  the  heart  of  a  desert,  or  among 
the  slovenly  pigmies  without  an  empire  to  crow  about. 
Beware  how  you  suggest  the  overthrow  of  institutions, 
the  solid  laws  of  nature  would  crash  malevolently  upon 
our  heads  if  the  fat  ceased  to  be  carried,  men  would  refuse 
to  believe  in  the  reality  of  a  personal  diet,  they  would  jeer 
at  appetite,  scout  the  immortality  of  the  stomach,  grow 
pessimistic  of  recuperating  sleep,  turn  skeptical  of  all  reali- 
ties but  murder,  bury  themselves  alive  in  the  settled  faith 
of  breathing  better  underground,  all  would  be  chaos  again 
and  bewildered  nature  would  grind  its  elements  into  star- 
dust  to  give  the  universe  a  new  start.  Beware,  I  say, 
beware." 

It  was  my  turn  to  experience  terror  before  the  brink 
I  had  staggered  upon.  "Might  not  something  worse  hap- 
pen?" I  whispered. 

"Yes,"  answered  this  mighty  Caesar  in  a  voice  that 
soughed  and  moaned  through  the  internal  horrors  of  my 
imagination,  "if  these  carriers  were  permitted  to  go  game- 
catching  and  to  keep  the  game,  they  might  even  indulge 
the  monstrous  dream  that  they  own  the  animals  themselves, 
which  would  devastate  the  precincts  of  property,  smash 
morality  to  elemental  atoms  and  wash  my  eternal  empire 
out  of  space." 

All  three  of  us  now  stood  for  a  long  time  trembling,  our 
knees  and  teeth  chattering  an  infernal  chorus.  When  the 
music  died  away  I  resumed  the  conversation  by  asking 
what  the  Fat  Feeders  would  do  with  the  superfluous  ani- 
mals if  such  were  brought  in. 

"Try  to  eat  more  than  they  usually  do,"  answered  he, 
"and  have  the  rest  piled  in  an  enclosure  for  decay." 


126  THE   HORROBOOS 

"But  how  about  those  tribesmen  who,  you  say,  are  regu- 
larly engaged  in  digging  out  the  animals,"  I  insisted,  re- 
solved to  follow  this  intricate  custom  down  to  its  roots; 
"do  they  not  own  and  hold  what  food  they  collect  by  their 
own  hunting?" 

Griffelak  bathed  me  in  his  liquid  blue  eyes  to  assure 
himself  that  I  really  had  not  mastered  their  economic 
system  yet,  while  his  delicate  features  were  chiseled  with 
patience.  "No,"  he  resumed,  with  his  fascinating  stately 
gravity;  "wouldn't  that  be  subverting  the  imprescriptible 
rights  of  the  Fat  in  the  very  way  I  have  shown  ?  Whether 
they  dig,  or  carry  the  eminent  fat,  is  all  the  same;  they 
can  have  only  so  much  of  the  game  as  the  Fat  who  own  it 
give  them,  of  course,  and  that  depends  exclusively  on  the 
latters'  emotion.  The  emotion  of  the  fat  immeasurables 
plays  an  amazingly  mighty  role;  it  is  the  fourth  founda- 
tion of  the  empire:  myself,  my  throne,  my  fat  men,  and 
the  emotion  of  the  fat,  as  we  call  it, — that  is  the  order  of 
the  foundations  of  our  social  edifice." 

"I  should  like  to  hear  why  the  emotion  connected  with 
fatness  is  so  eminent  a  force." 

"How  can  you  ask?  Is  it  not  the  first  law  of  God  that 
the  emotion  of  those  who  own  the  Food  controls  every- 
thing? It  decides  the  welfare  of  the  tribe  in  grand  and 
minute  things,  determines  the  quantity  of  food  to  be  doled 
out  to  the  populace,  settles  for  what  ends  all  men  shall 
be  allowed  to  use  their  strength,  and  so  ordains  our  fam- 
ines, plagues,  diseases,  birthrates,  deaths,  play,  leisure, 
duration  of  work,  wages,  acts  of  the  legislature,  and  in 
fact  everything,  from  the  adulteration  of  food  and  the 
poisoning  of  the  meat  supply  to  the  value  of  stocks,  and 
in  a  word  every  detail  of  happiness."  Thus  answered  the 
knightly  monarch  gravely. 

"Indeed,"  rejoined  I,  "it  appears  to  be  a  prodigious  sin- 
gularity for  so  late  an  age  of  the  world,  and  if  my  private 


GRIFFELAK  UNCOVERS  SOCIETY  127 

secretary  were  at  hand  I  would  give  him  a  few  sugges- 
tions with  which  he  could  prepare  in  my  name  a  very  orig- 
inal essay  on  'The  necessity  of  The  Fat  Few  for  the 
existence  of  The  Lean  Many,'  which  would  probably  win 
me  a  professorship  in  the  University  of  Africa,  Oxford, 
Berlin,  or  Chicago,  or  whatever  learned  cavity  of  the 
globe  I  might  choose  to  mummify  in.  My  last  secretary 
wrote  three  brilliant  books  for  me  while  I  was  on  a  little 
sojourn  in  Venice.  He  was  in  America.  I  sent  him  the 
titles  and  told  him  to  go  ahead,  and  write  what  he  pleased, 
with  orders  to  wire  me  if  any  of  his  ideas  were  too  deep 
for  him,  and  I  gave  him  the  sweet  liberty  to  express  his 
own  opinions  life-sized,  provided  he  did  not  outrun  the 
originality  acceptable  to  the  publishing  trade.  He  had 
been  a  college  president  who  inadvertently  said  what  he 
thought  on  a  certain  lamented  occasion  when  he  was  down 
cellar  and  supposed  that  the  house  doors  were  locked. 
When  I  found  him  he  was  supporting  himself  as  a  tramp, 
in  fact  he  came  to  my  backdoor  to  beg  permission  to  pull 
a  few  weeds  out  of  my  garden  for  a  breakfast,  which  at 
first  I  steadfastly  refused  on  account  of  my  loyalty  to  the 
Associated  Charities,  of  which  it  turned  out  that  he  was 
one  of  the  national  founders. 

"My  friend,  said  I,  I  am  very  tender  hearted  and  I  wish 
to  do  you  good,  but  can  you  tell  me  one  righteous  thing 
of  which  indiscriminate  giving  is  not  the  bane?  I  do  not 
know  you,  nor  your  wife,  nor  your  grandmother ;  they 
may  all  have  been  drunkards,  and  you  may  be  an  illegiti- 
mate child  for  aught  I  know.  You  use  good  language, 
but  you  have  probably  learned  it  in  order  to  deceive  me. 
And  then  I  read  to  him  some  of  his  own  previously  pub- 
lished words  on  the  subject  of  charity:  'What  these  well- 
meant  philanthropies  do  in  the  way  of  pauperizing  their 
objects,  in  the  way  of  undermining  individual  resolution 
and  sapping  the  sturdiness  of  individual  character,  must 


128  THE    HORROBOOS 

be  taken  into  account  no  less  than  the  temporary  allevia- 
tions with  which  they  are  to  be  credited.  The  sum  of 
immediate  human  suffering  is  so  great  at  all  times,  and 
its  evidences  so  apparent,  that  it  is  difficult  for  the  tender- 
hearted observer  to  remain  philosophical  in  its  presence, 
yet  we  are  morally  bound  to  hesitate  in  coming  to  its  re- 
lief, if  by  so  doing  we  are  helping  to  perpetuate  the  condi- 
tions which  give  it  birth.  That  this  danger  is  a  real  one 
is  a  conclusion  now  so  well  established  by  sociological 
investigation  as  to  be  beyond  the  reach  of  controversy.' 
Now,  my  boy,  continued  I,  you  are  a  pauper  albeit  a  very 
learned  one,  if  you  speak  the  truth,  and  you  were  formerly 
high-placed  and  respectable;  it  is  possible  you  were  the 
president  of  the  very  college  I  graduated  from,  but  that 
is  neither  here  nor  there.  You  have  placed  yourself  beyond 
the  reach  of  controversy,  you  purpose  to  upset  the  philoso- 
phy of  my  attitude  for  the  selfish  end  of  making  me  sap 
the  sturdiness  of  your  individual  character  merely  to 
appease  your  hunger,  you  are  attempting  to  undermine  the 
well-established  conclusions  of  sociological  investigation  in 
your  petty  personal  behalf  for  no  worthier  object  than  a 
slice  of  bread :  Aren't  you  ashamed  of  yourself !  Great 
as  your  immediate  suffering  is  I  am  morally  bound  to 
hesitate.  Sociologically  I  can  give  you  nothing.  It  is  my 
Christian  duty  to  turn  you  over  to  the  police,  or  to  give 
you  into  the  custody  of  Miss  Dribble,  National  Secretary 
of  the  Society  for  the  Prevention  of  Giving  Milk  to  the 
Babies  of  the  Poor  for  Fear  of  Degrading  Their  Mothers. 
She  will  exhume  your  genealogy  to  learn  whether  you  can 
be  helped  without  cheating  the  rich.  This  is  the  mission 
of  the  Associated  Charities.  It  is  noble  and  kind  of  her 
to  do  this,  for  it  will  use  up  thirty  days  of  her  valuable 
life,  and  her  salary  for  doing  it  is  only  two  hundred  dollars 
a  month." 

"Oh,  Sir,"  pleaded  the  wretch,  "I  was  a  great  and  pros- 


GRIFFELAK  UNCOVERS  SOCIETY  129 

perous  man  when  I  wrote  those  miserable  words,  and  it 
never  occurred  to  me  to  investigate  what  hunger  was 
before  writing  a  treatise  about  it.  I  was  influential,  proud 
and  rash ;  I  wished  to  divert  all  benevolent  funds  from  the 
poor  to  my  college;  give  me  a  crust  and  I  will  never  write 
on  the  principal  subjects  of  my  ignorance  again!" 

"Now  is  your  time,"  I  replied,  "to  exemplify  your  doc- 
trines with  resolution :  what  better  thing  can  you  do  for  the 
world  than  to  starve  in  behalf  of  the  right  channels  of 
philanthropy  ?" 

However,  after  standing  in  the  door  for  some  time  con- 
templating his  shivering  emptiness,  with  stern  philosophi- 
cal regret  I  began  to  be  drawn  to  him  and  concluded  to 
temporarily  alleviate  his  adversity  at  the  risk  of  his  refor- 
mation and  authority  as  a  scientist  with  a  little  weak  tea. 
Cultured  as  he  was,  he  was  dirty  from  sleeping  in  barns. 
What  most  prejudiced  me  in  his  favor  was  his  wonderful 
politeness,  he  being  so  polished  at  that  time  that  he  was 
afraid  to  speak  above  a  whisper  lest  he  should  offend  some- 
body. I  had  to  place  an  ear  trumpet  near  his  mouth  to 
get  the  slightest  idea  what  he  was  attempting  to  say. 

"I  took  him  into  my  house  and  had  him  washed  and 
subjected  to  a  course  of  feeding,  meanwhile  having  one 
of  my  servants  pump  up  his  lungs,  alternately  inflating 
and  exhausting  them  with  a  bellows,  to  strengthen  them 
for  audible  conversation.  When  he  had  in  some  measure 
recovered  the  use  of  his  languages,  of  which  he  had  nine, 
and  recalled  to  his  features  the  vanished  shadows  of  a 
few  forgotten  smiles,  I  led  him  to  a  structure  that  adorns 
my  place  for  the  free  expression  of  opinion.  Its  walls 
are  several  feet  thick,  padded  with  formidable  layers  of 
embalmed  literary  eloquence  warranted  to  kill  both  sound 
and  the  germs  of  thought,  containing  neither  window  nor 
door,  and  the  entrance  is  through  a  winding  passage  under 
ground  starting  downward  from  the  bottom  of  my  cellar, 


I30  THE   HORROBOOS 

where  a  brace  of  famished  bulldogs  guard  the  opening  to 
discountenance  the  curiosity  of  strangers.  Having  hoisted 
the  doctor  up  through  the  floor  of  this  fortress  and  bidden 
him  to  speak  his  mind  bravely  to  the  void  I  departed.  In 
the  ceiling,  by  a  deft  contrivance  of  my  architect — who 
by  the  way  is  so  much  below  me  in  social  standing  that 
I  never  speak  to  him  on  the  street  and  frequently  cufT  him 
when  we  are  debating  architectural  plans  alone — is  an  even- 
tempered  machine  for  recording  one's  words  and  serving 
them  up  unfeelingly  on  another  occasion.  You  know  not 
these  tell-tale  incorruptible  contrivances  here,  Griffelak, 
and  I  am  sorry.  You  could  have  your  wife's  words  re- 
engraven  on  your  heart  whenever  they  faded,  without  call- 
ing her  back. 

"However,  into  this  vocabulary-vessel  the  good  presi- 
dent unconsciously  talked  himself,  being  so  delighted  with 
the  sensation  of  courage  that  I  could  hardly  draw  him  out 
of  the  fort  to  his  meals.  I  kept  him  in  there  eighteen 
hours  a  day  and  resolutely  forbade  him  the  use  of  this  hall 
of  heroism  another  minute  in  the  twenty-four.  A  copyist 
transcribed  what  he  said  out  of  the  embalmer  and  I  found 
him  to  be  a  very  polychromatical  genius.  He  had  many 
honest  ideas  of  his  own,  which  he  now  permitted  to  escape 
for  the  first  time,  and  which  led  me  to  suspect  that  other 
great  professors  might  develop  some  rudimentary  inde- 
pendent thoughts  if  I  could  only  get  them  into  my  trap. 
To  cut  a  long  story  short,  for  I  know  Your  Exaltation  is 
wasting  away  to  talk  yourself,  I  published  all  he  said  under 
the  very  seductive  title,  The  Literary  Explosions  of  a 
Tramp,'  which  the  public  devoured  with  insatiable  horror 
and  avidity,  I  was  afraid  to  sign  my  name  to  it  for  fear 
of  violence  from  the  government,  and  its  authorship  was 
attributed  to  an  organization  of  assassins,  tho  from  internal 
evidence  the  learned  world  proved  it  to  be  a  buried  copy 
of  the  writings  of  one  of  those  Chicago  monsters  so  enter- 


GRIFFELAK  UNCOVERS  SOCIETY  131 

tainingly  hanged  a  few  years  ago  for  saying  what  every- 
body is  saying  now,  and  by  preaching  which  a  recent  presi- 
dent rose  to  fame.  Little  mattered  it  to  me,  for  I  made 
more  out  of  it  than  Walter  Scott  earned  in  all  his  lifetime 
of  dingy  industry.  When  the  storm  subsided  a  little  I 
acknowledged  the  authorship,  explaining  in  the  preface  that 
I  was  its  sole,  true  and  unaided  originator.  I  felt  no  pangs 
for  stealing  my  secretary's  work,  for  all  writers  of  great 
books  do  this  now.  True  geniuses,  poor  dogs,  must  be 
contented  to  sell  their  brains  and  suppress  their  names.  I 
don't  say  the  Money  Sack  created  all  mind,  but  it  owns  all. 

"My  reputation  was  thus  established  as  a  transcendent 
writer,  which,  on  the  strength  of  that  brilliant  book,  it  has 
remained  ever  since.  I  am  now  able  to  emit  the  greatest 
twaddle  in  book  form  on  any  subject  or  science  I  deign 
to  treat  of,  all  that  is  necessary  to  revolutionize  human 
thought  in  that  department  being  its  emanation  from  my 
supposed  pen.  I  particularly  enjoy  these  convulsions  of 
thought  and  sometimes  launch  several  of  them  in  the  same 
department  of  learning  at  the  same  time  on  conflicting  sides, 
to  watch  the  sputter  created.  A  great  writer  can  be  bur- 
dened with  no  principles.  To  have  human  beings  behave 
like  a  body  of  minstrels  each  playing  a  different  measure, 
or  like  several  unfriendly  vortical  motions  in  the  same  atom, 
or  like  a  group  of  dissonant  souls  combined  into  one  per- 
sonality, in  a  word  to  have  all  men  idiots,  dervishes  or 
devils,  gives  the  author  artistic  tingles  and  something  to 
write  about.  So,  being  a  great  man,  produced  by  high 
heaven  to  amuse  the  world,  it  would  be  a  pitiful  weakness 
for  him  to  possess  principles  and  to  use  them  to  shape 
mankind  into  something  better  than  idiots  and  devils. 

"Sometimes  I  allow  my  gardener  to  write  the  treatises 
and  sometimes  my  coachman ;  my  butler  does  it  best,  how- 
ever, for  he  is  blessed  with  a  most  horrible  indigestion 
from  overeating  and  emits  the  most  startling  hypotheses. 


132  THE    HORROBOOS 

My  name  carries  the  authority  that  sells  the  book.  But 
I  have  wandered  from  my  university  president.  Well, 
finding  him  a  man  of  parts  I  presented  him  with  a  box  of 
blacking,  loaned  him  a  brush,  and  engaged  him  as  my 
amanuensis.  He  is  now  writing  books  for  me  at  a  salary 
of  ten  dollars  a  week  and  boarding  himself  while  I  travel. 
What  were  you  saying  when  I  interrupted?  Oh,  yes,  that 
the  fat  people's  emotion  governs  everything  with  you,  and 
I  thought  that  principle  of  government  a  little  archaic  if 
not  tangled.    But  go  on  as  if  I  had  not  interposed  a  word." 


CHAPTER  XXI 

The   Terrible   Potentate   Teaches   Me   Political 
Economy 

"It  is  very  simple,"  resumed  the  Emperor,  who  had 
listened  with  charming  attention  to  my  remarks,  "and  espe- 
cially does  credit  to  the  wisdom  of  our  thoroughbred 
cherubs — the  fat.  They  have  divided  their  emotions  into 
nine  grades  and  thus  with  astonishing  niceness  determine 
the  welfare  of  a  people:  they  are  a  food  barometer  divided 
into  nine  parts.  'Nine'  is  the  exceeding  extremity  of  gener- 
ous feeling  at  which,  besides  allowing  the  people  as  much 
food  as  they  need  to  eat,  they  confer  upon  them  their  cast- 
off  garments  and  a  lock  of  their  hair.  The  emotion  of  the 
fat  at  this  high  pressure  is  nearly  fatal  to  life,  and  for  the 
preservation  of  these  our  noble  lamps  of  beauty  and  intel- 
lect it  is  not  expected  to  be  felt  over  once  in  ten  years. 
When  their  emotion  sinks  to  'one'  food  disappears  and  we 
have  a  terrible  famine  from  heaven,  there  is  wailing  and 
gnashing  of  unoccupied  teeth,  children  die  like  grasshop- 
pers, the  wrath  of  God  is  upon  us,  which  continues  until 
the  gluttons'  emotion  begins  to  return.     They  hover  be- 


THE  POTENTATE  TEACHES  ME       133 

tween  two  and  four  when  they  are  what  we  call  normal, 
which  is  all  the  emotion  our  corpulencies  can  regularly 
stand  without  harm." 

"I  suppose,"  I  said,  "that  this  is  a  manner  of  saying, 
with  exalted  respectfulness  for  the  fat  gentlemen  and  their 
pudgy  consorts,  as  if  their  omnipotence  caused  the  calamity, 
that  at  certain  periods  the  game  runs  scarce  and  all  the 
population  fare  without." 

"Not  at  all,"  cried  the  Emperor  merrily,  "the  quantity 
of  game  has  nothing  to  do  with  it,  nor  are  we  silly  enough 
in  this  cultured  zone  to  invent  soggy  fictions  to  solace 
empty  stomachs.  The  food  never  runs  slack,  but  from 
time  to  time  the  globy  censors  seem  to  think  that  the  people 
are  indulging  in  it  too  freely  and  shut  off  the  supply,  which 
they  can  properly  do  because  it  is  all  theirs.  I  have  known 
thousands  to  die  on  such  occasions  and  to  breed  our  prin- 
cipal plagues.  The  gluttons  go  on  with  their  eating  as 
usual  and  the  game  hunters  continue  gathering  the  game 
tho  swallowing  none  of  it ;  what  the  amiable  fat  cannot 
eat  is  by  their  order  deposited  in  their  enclosures  to  decay." 

"By  Hercules  and  Heaven !"  I  exclaimed  in  petrifac- 
tion, "what  is  this  I  hear!  I  have  never  paid  a  visit  to 
the  sub-cutaneous  regions  of  existence  where,  I  am  told, 
this  is  one  of  the  sardonic  novelties,  without  baptism  and 
allegiance  to  which  I  understand  a  man  there  is  no  good 
devil,  but  this  I  declare  is  the  first  time  I  knew  it  to  be 
practised  anywhere  above  ground.  Tell  me  then,  and  do 
not  beguile  yourself  with  my  credulity  as  a  bud  in  these 
parts,  do  your  food-finders  go  on  collecting  game  and  even 
while  they  are  in  a  dying  condition  from  hunger  for  that 
very  food,  deposit  it  in  the  private  wicker  yards  of  the 
surfeited  fat  to  spoil,  because  these  bloated  mammoths  are 
opposed  to  their  eating  it?    Do  you  assert  this?" 

"You  have  hit  the  nail,"  grinned  Griffelak. 

"Then  I  say  here  in  public,  taking  my  life  in  my  hand, 


134  THE    HORROBOOS 

fat  or  lean,  cannibalism  or  gallows,  it  is  the  most  refined 
act  of  savagery  ever  perpetrated  without  the  assistance  of 
newspapers,"  which  I  declared  at  near  the  top  of  my  voice, 
boiling  wroth. 

"Certainly  it  is,"  agreed  His  Highness;  and  would  you 
believe  it?  he  seemed  to  fancy  I  had  delivered  myself  of 
a  happy  compliment  to  his  country !  "Certainly  it  is ;  we 
are  modestly  proud  of  our  refinement  and  the  surpassing 
advancement  of  our  savagery.  It  is  necessary  for  us  to 
keep  our  business  standards  steeple-high,  if  you  under- 
stand me,  for  we  are  much  looked  up  to  by  the  vulgar 
races  on  all  sides ;  all  the  tribes  within  a  thousand  miles, 
spellbound  by  the  grandeur  of  our  free  liberties,  are  hasten- 
ing to  build  uj)  a  fat  stock  to  liberally  oppress  them  as  we 
are  oppressed." 

Inasmuch  as  he  was  serious  I  gave  my  indignation  a 
douche  of  caution  and  clothed  my  moral  ardor  in  the  stately 
equilibrium  of  the  passionless  scholar.  Said  I :  "Feelings 
are  like  birds  of  the  air  flying  hither  and  thitherward,  emo- 
tion is  but  a  chance  wave  of  the  psychic  sea,  an  accidental 
ripple  in  the  foam  of  consciousness :  do  your  brawny  intel- 
lectual folk  accept  these  fleeting  perturbations  of  a  few 
tons  of  half-living  fat  as  the  reverend  cause  of  all  their 
weal  and  ill?  Isn't  this  thunderingly  casual  and  arbitrary, 
if  I  may  take  a  stormy  illustration  from  chance  and  nature?" 

"If  you  think  so,"  Griffelak  replied ;  "you  have  studied 
the  marvels  of  soul  and  ghostly  truth  with  a  smoky  tele- 
scope. Do  you  venture  to  call  the  united  emotion  of  these 
loftiest  mountains  of  our  stock,  our  largest  thinkers,  our 
mightiest  feelers,  our  weightiest  citizens,  our  first  society 
men  and  women,  our  smart  set,  who  look  more  like  gods 
than  men  and  have  as  many  cubic  feet  of  emotion  in  them 
as  cattle,  dare  you  call  their  emotion  casual,  arbitrary, 
bilious?  Sir,  a  wink  from  one  of  these  globules  of  glory 
gives  you  a  vested  interest  in  the  stars  and  a  farm  on  the 


THE  POTENTATE  TEACHES  ME  135 

surface  of  eternity;  after  that  honor  you  walk  on  stilts 
lest  your  feet  should  touch  the  ground  and  again  vulgarize 
you.  Divine  oil!  heavenly  adipose!  your  emotion  is  from 
Above.  If  you  are  lodged  in  a  man's  skin  and  can  feel, 
you  represent  an  ordinance  of  nature,  the  will  of  the  one 
God.  Is  anything  accidental  in  the  universe?  Have  not 
all  things  their  fathomless  cause  in  the  abysmal  caverns  of 
holy  reality?  Is  not  man's  feeling  a  sacred  signal  from 
the  supreme  essence?  a  wireless  message  from  the  vibrant 
braincells  of  the  All?  It  mirrors  the  placid  eddies  of  the 
purling  mind  of  the  Almighty,  duplicates  his  sensations, 
re-edits  his  sentiments,  indexes  his  purpose,  communicates 
his  will.  We  have  appointed  our  noblest  brethren  to  feel 
for  us  all,  they  act  but  as  conductors  and  depositories  of 
God's  emotions,  when  they  feel  that  we  are  eating  too 
much  we  know  that  it  is  God's  feeling,  when  they  feel  that 
a  plague  is  needed  to  unflesh  and  depopulate  us  we  recog- 
nize it  as  a  deep-planned  dispensation  of  Heaven ;  we  go 
to  consult  their  emotions  as  we  interrogate  entrails  con- 
cerning destiny,  the  sky  concerning  storms,  the  rain  con- 
cerning water,  and  we  bow  meekly  to  their  holy  blows  with 
hearts  bursting  with  thanks  that  God's  ways  to  us  are  not 
ambiguous." 

"If  you  would  call  these  emotions  economic  laws  I  should 
consider  you  extremely  wise,"  said  I,  "and  should  see 
oceans  of  fish-sense  in  what  you  say,  but  so  long  as  you 
fail  to  name  them  properly  the  thing  seems  to  me  rather 
a  frog  pond  of  idiocy.  Economic  laws  are  direct  from  God, 
but  where  you  wilfully  insert  a  ganglion  of  human  emo- 
tions between,  one  cannot  avoid  the  horrible  suspicion  that 
there  is  some  devil  in  the  last  delivery.  Stick  close  to 
economic  laws,  my  friend,  which  are  the  most  fashionable 


♦It  Is  unnecessary  to  inform  the  civilized  that  Adam  Smith  was 
God's  latest  instructor  of  any  note.  He  coached  the  Almighty  through 
difiScultles  for  a  century. 


136  THE   ttOkROBOOS 

babblings  of  God  since  Adam  Smith*;  then  you  will  be 
as  appropriately  miserable  as  the  most  tortured  creatures 
with  power  to  feel  can  be." 

"Suffering!"  bawled  Griffelak.  "Verily  indeed!  We 
suffer  for  our  discipline,  that  is  why  it  is  sent:  it  is  the 
untarnishable  glory  of  our  nation  to  have  found  this  out 
and  made  ourselves  good  and  sublime  by  subjugating  our- 
selves to  all  the  sorrow  we  can  collect.  We  know  from 
the  cruel  anguish  we  feel  that  it  is  sweet  for  us  to  become 
emaciated  and  die  when  our  fat  demigods  are  moved  from 
on  high  to  restrict  our  food.  This  was  also  certified  by 
our  great  lawmakers  in  mephitic  antiquity." 

"When  these  famines  come  do  the  fat  ones  also  deny 
food  to  Your  Majesty?" 

"Of  course  not,  for  I  am  supreme  and  perfect  without 
starvation.     Starving  can  only  improve  the  poor." 

"Being  passionately  in  love  with  the  beauty  of  anguish 
for  the  Kingdom  of  the  Fat  Men's  Emotions'  sake,  I 
think  your  good  people  prefer  stripes  and  torments  and 
shackles  and  tribulations  and  racks  to  a  square  meal  in 
paradise,  if  The  Fat  ordain  them,  and  would  joyously 
refuse  to  eat  terrapin  in  their  last  hours  of  hunger,  if  some 
one  stuffed  it  into  their  mouths  against  the  orders  of  the 
Obese." 

"You  are  right,"  said  the  Emperor;  "the  popular  rever- 
ence for  religion  and  the  Law  of  Emotion  would  prevent 
them  from  eating  in  that  case.  Your  Economic  Laws  we 
know  nothing  about,  but  we  sometimes  call  our  Gluttons 
the  'Laws  of  Divine  Emotion,'  to  indicate  the  serious, 
necessary  and  eternal  character  of  their  feelings.  They 
who  starve  are  so  thoroughly  in  accord  with  the  starvation 
system  of  things  that  they  would  uphold  the  decrees  of 
the  gluttons  against  themselves  in  the  face  of  armies  and 
navies,  and  would  go  to  their  death  fighting  for  the  right 
of  the  Fat  to  starve  them.  That  is  another  sure  proof  that 
the  gluttons'  consciousness  is  founded  on  the  Eternal." 


HORROBOO  GRANDEUR  137 

"It  is  an  excellent  thing  to  call  this  emotional  principle 
laws  of  some  kind,"  said  I.  "Laws  have  a  permanent 
sound.  To  be  sure  it  is  always  the  emotion  of  the  owners 
of  property  that  decides  everything  and  lies  behind  all 
laws,  but  for  heaven's  sake  don't  let  it  be  known ;  it  would 
upset  civilization  if  not  savagery." 

"I  tell  you  we  are  perfectly  satisfied  with  the  truth," 
he  repeated.  *'Is  the  civilized  man  so  stupidly  cowardly 
that,  not  daring  to  face  the  evil  oppressors  that  grind  him, 
he  names  their  tyranny  with  silly  phrases  like  'nature's 
laws'  to  hide  the  shame  of  his  craven  spirit?  We  are  above 
such  weakness.  Emotion  it  is,  and  our  people  worship  it 
naked  and  known;  we  have  no  need  to  clothe  it  with  lies, 
tho  civilization— do  you  call  it?— may.  We  are  proud  of 
being  oppressed.     We  live  for  it." 


CHAPTER   XXII 
The  Origin  of  Horroboo  Grandeur 

I  gave  up  instructing  him  with  resignation,  and  presently 
asked  how  these  towers  of  surplus  humanity  came  to  be 
the  owners  of  all  the  wild  animals  in  existence  on  which 
the  tribe  lived.  Did  they  invent  the  animals,  or  create 
them,  or  cultivate  them,  or  inherit  them  from  Adam,  or 
what? 

"Nothing  of  the  sort,"  His  Highness  answered  amused ; 
"these  fertile  creatures  pour  down  into  our  plains  from 
the  inaccessible  mountain  folds  where  they  breed,  burrow- 
ing their  way;  freely  they  descend  from  heaven  in  the 
most  generous  sense,  and  we  are  accountable  to  the 
heavenly  powers  for  a  right  use  of  them.  Their  owner- 
ship was  acquired  by  the  fat  men  twelve  thousand  years 
ago  in  the  reign  of  my  first  ancestor.     It  was  indeed  this 


138  THE   HORROBOOS 

episode  that  made  him  Emperor,  and  he  left  a  chronicle 
of  his  life  which  tells  the  deathless  history.  When  he  was 
born  the  tribe  was  wallowing  in  the  slimy  dank  of  degrada- 
tion ;  they  had  no  king  and  no  fat ;  the  people  were  monot- 
onously happy,  all  of  them  occupying  the  dismal  sing-song 
level  of  perfect  bliss ;  they  were  all  kings,  for  none  in- 
fringed upon  another  and  all  were  highest ;  disease  was 
unknown  and  food  abounded ;  there  was  no  word  in  the 
language  for  famine,  nor  had  they  the  name  death,  for 
all  departed  so  contentedly  and  beautifully  at  the  age  of  a 
hundred  and  ten  that  none  who  remained  were  sorrowful 
or  mourned.  This  ludicrous  dearth  of  sorrow  lasted  until 
my  far-smiting  ancestor  was  ninety  years  old,  the  comfort 
and  happiness  of  all  being  so  radiantly  complete  that  he 
felt  himself  continually  impelled  to  suicide.  It  was  unen- 
durable !  There  was  no  satisfaction  in  having  everybody 
equal!  In  our  annals  we  call  this  lugubrious  time  the 
Beast  Age  because  all  were  contented.  Peace  and  good 
will  reigned,  there  was  no  ambition  to  gnaw  and  defile, 
pride  and  contempt  there  could  not  be  for  these  vices 
flourish  not  among  the  equal." 

"Great  Grififelak,"  cried  I  with  antecedent  compassion, 
"how  did  it  happen  that  the  Horroboo  nation  survived  that 
execrable  period?  The  deadliest  terror  of  Christian  man- 
kind today  is  its  dream  of  Utopia,  they  scare  evil  children 
into  goodness  with  its  black  horrors,  and  picture  it  in  the 
jails  to  torture  the  criminal,  the  poor  foam  with  frenzy 
against  its  saving  hopes,  but  to  have  had  the  real  thing 
right  in  your  country,  living  with  it  from  day  to  day  in 
ideal  loveliness  and  delight,  must  have  been  a  combination 
of  hellfire,  delirium  tremens  and  hydrophobia.  Go  on,  I 
hold  my  breath  to  hear  of  your  miraculous  deliverance." 

"Then,"  said  Griffelak,  "occurred  the  change  that  brought 
to  pass  our  magnificent  evolution  to  savagery.  One  day 
the  tribe  was  sitting  in  the  afternoon  sun,  a  careless  glad- 


HORROBOO  GRANDEUR  139 

some  multitude  of  laughing  ebullient  children,  without  a 
woe  in  their  hearts  or  a  peril  in  their  firmament.  A  flock 
of  wild  geese  flew  far  overhead,  and  one  through  accident 
or  age  stumbled  in  its  course  and  descended  to  the  earth 
in  the  very  midst  of  our  joyous  people.  The  nearest  rushed 
playfully  forward  and  plucked  out  its  feathers,  so  that 
shortly  the  poor  bird  was  utterly  bare,  while  its  despoilers 
decorated  their  bodies  with  its  former  apparel.  Only  about 
a  hundred  person  had  secured  a  share  of  these  feathers, 
and  the  remainder,  when  they  saw  their  lucky  companions 
strutting  about  in  the  bedraggled  ornaments,  were  direfully 
chagrined  and  demanded  the  privilege  of  wearing  them 
part  of  the  time.  But  the  hundred  would  not  hear  of  this, 
because,  said  they,  'the  goose  having  fallen  near  us,  heaven 
evidently  intended  us  to  have  all  its  feathers.'  But  they 
agreed  to  allow  the  others  to  enjoy  a  feather  for  one  hour 
in  return  for  an  earth-bird.*  This  was  considered  highly 
just,  and  was  willingly  consented  to;  the  lucky  feather- 
owners  were  able  to  relinquish  hunting,  they  received  such 
an  overplus  of  food  that  they  were  abidingly  sick,  which 
was  recognized  as  a  testimony  of  divine  interest,  and  the 
singular  phenomenon  of   fatness  made  its  appearance. 

''Still,  tho  eating  all  the  while  and  scarcely  taking  time 
to  sleep,  so  great  was  their  fidelity  to  the  rights  of  their 
stomachs,  they  could  consume  but  a  fraction  of  the  flesh 
that  their  feathers  earned  for  them;  wherefore  it  came  into 
their  heads  to  build  enclosures  for  the  reception  of  the 
surplusage,  imagining  that  their  stomachs  would  grow  if 
constantly  exercised  and  reach  the  capacity  of  digesting  all 
their  savings.  It  is  a  fact  that  their  stomachs  did  enlarge, 
and  with  very  notable  consequences  as  the  ages  passed,  but 
not  so  fast  as  their  food  went  to  decay.  Seeing  this  and 
mourning   greatly   at   the   loss   of    it   to   themselves,   they 


*They    sometimes    cnllod    the    tribal    article    of    food    by    this    name 
because  if  it  chanced  to  escape  from  its  burrow  it  would  fly. 


I40  THE    HORROBOOS  '  ' 

arranged  with  the  hunters  to  open  an  account  and  have 
the  animals  due  deUvered  in  the  future.  By  and  by,  of 
course  a  while  after  my  first  noted  ancestor's  time,  they 
figured  up  the  debt  and  found  that  more  animals  were 
owed  than  the  world  could  ever  produce,  so  that  it  burst 
upon  them  that  they  owned  the  total  stock  of  animals  and 
all  their  latent  progeny  forever.  Thereupon  they  naturally 
rescinded  the  feather  wearing  compact  and  no  longer  per- 
mitted the  hunters  to  wear  feathers  at  all,  since  they  had 
nothing  to  pay  in  return.  It  was  a  gigantic  relief  to  the 
people  to  be  delivered  from  the  burden  of  owning  the 
animals ;  few  beings  are  ecjual  to  the  mill-stone  worries  of 
possession;  the  population  now  shifted  all  these  tearful 
responsibilities  on  to  the  measureless  ribs  of  the  fat,  and 
went  forward  with  light  hearts  and  lighter  stomachs,  gath- 
ering food  just  as  they  had  done  before,  without  the  crush- 
ing affliction  of  owning  the  shortest  hair  of  it,  or  the  cark- 
ing  abrasion  of  calculating  whether  to  eat  it  or  not.  These 
topmost  theorems  of  mighty  mathematics  the  fat  men 
solved  for  them. 

"Afterwards  geese  became  very  plentiful ;  the  people, 
sorry  for  what  they  had  done,  threatened  unrest ;  prompt 
action  was  immediately  taken  however  by  the  Stomachs — 
an  honorary  title  of  the  Fat, — who  instantly  appropriated 
all  the  wild  geese  in  the  sky  on  the  principle  of  having 
owned  the  first  goose,  thereby  preserving  the  country  from 
the  frightful  throes  and  death  pangs  of  revolution.  It  was 
then  that  the  Counsellor  Class  arose,  but  you  must  be  tired ; 
let  us  now  dine  on  a  few  boiled  babies  that  I  see  coming, 
the  children  of  those  who  can  get  nothing  to  do  in  our 
celebrated  sun-shaming  commonwealth,  and  after  you  have 
slept  I  will  introduce  you  to  more  enlightened  astonish- 
ments." 


HORROBOO  SPINSTERS  141 

CHAPTER    XXIII 
HoRROBOo  Spinsters 

The  babies  were  a  little  lean,  since  the  parents  had  had 
nothing  to  feed  them,  but  appeared  to  have  been  slaughtered 
in  time  to  preserve  their  youthful  flavor.  I  sampled  them 
all,  but  one  I  could  not  eat,  which  from  being  killed  too 
soon  had  the  flavor  of  bob-veal. 

"It  is  not  uncommon,"  remarked  Griff elak,  crunching 
a  collar-bone,  "for  women  whose  husbands  are  out  of 
employment  to  destroy  themselves  in  order  to  furnish  these 
husbands  with  food  to  preserve  their  lives.  The  wives 
esteem  this  a  peculiar  ceremony  of  love  because  they  then 
become  deeply  involved  in  the  essence  of  their  lords  and 
remain  so  according  to  our  scientists  several  years,  which 
ensures  the  duration  of  love  for  that  length  of  time,  for  in 
loving  himself  a  man  then  cannot  help  loving  his  wife. 
It  is  the  form  of  death  most  desired  by  our  choicest  women, 
partly  owing  to  the  well-known  devotion  of  that  sex  to 
those  who  do  not  love  them  and  partly  because  it  assures 
them  of  immortality  for  seven  years.  There  is  now  con- 
siderable lack  of  employment,  which  seems  to  be  growing, 
for  there  are  heavenly  omens  that  the  fat  providences  are 
contracting  their  bowels  of  emotion ;  there  would  be  much 
suff"ering  if  it  were  not  for  this  special  and  chosen  class 
of  women  to  fall  back  on  in  such  crises.  They  are  called 
child-women,  for  that  they  never  marry  until  late  in  life, 
and  seldom  bear  children,  whence  they  retain  most  of  the 
attributes  of  children  down  to  old  age,  sometimes  never 
parting  with  them.  They  are  also  our  best  women,  and 
there  is  a  shrewd  motive  and  purpose  in  this,  for  being 
our  brightest  female  intellects  there  is  danger  that  they 
may  fall  into  the  loose  and  libidinous  custom  of  using  their 
minds,  and  even  sink  to  the  profligacy  of  imparting  their 


142  THE    HORROBOOS 

thoughts  to  their  offspring,  leading  to  the  execution  of  some 
great  design,  perhaps  to  the  super-damnable  crime  of  an- 
nihilating the  omnipotence  of  the  fat.  Hence  our  sagacious 
fat  sunbeams  take  pious  measures  that  these  mentally  las- 
civious women  shall  have  no  children,  or,  if  any,  so  far  on 
in  life  that  they  lack  the  lustiness  of  iconoclasm.  Chastity 
with  us  consists  in  avoiding  the  conception  of  thoughts; 
intercourse  of  young  minds  is  therefore  considered  most 
threatening  since  it  might  lead  to  a  pregnancy  of  ideas, 
and  is  prohibited  by  statute ;  the  most  chaste  women  are 
those  who,  being  most  fitted  to  think,  punctiliously  avoid 
doing  so ;  feminine  virtue  is  keeping  the  mind  a  tabula  rasa, 
or  a  piece  of  white  paper  untarnished  by  mental  activities; 
if  a  man  approaches  a  woman  with  the  well-known  evi- 
dences of  dishonorable  design  to  lead  her  astray  into 
thought,  she  will  remain  a  psychical  virgin  all  her  days 
before  she  will  gratify  him.  Bodily  and  spiritual  chastity 
thus  go  together. 

"These  women,  having  been  purified  of  their  psycho- 
physical infirmities  by  abstinence  from  everything,  and  de- 
ploring only  that  there  is  not  something  else  sunny  and 
pleasurable  to  abstain  from,  are  crowned  with  a  chaplet 
of  dead  leaves  to  be  worn  in  public  as  a  testimony  of  their 
immaculateness,  for  notification  to  mankind  that  their  vir- 
tue is  absolute ;  and  the  reverence  thenceforward  paid  them 
by  men  is  of  a  most  touching  character,  for  they  revere 
them  so  highly  that  as  the  women  approach  the  men  all 
go  over  to  the  other  side  of  the  street  that  they  may  not 
contaminate  these  angel  essences  by  a  closer  presence.  It 
is  the  will  of  the  fat  that  this  shall  be  so.  While  such 
women  are  still  young  and  beautiful  the  men  are  afraid 
of  them  for  fear  they  may  lose  the  esteem  and  favor  of 
the  fat,  and  do  not  ask  them  in  marriage,  for  nothing  could 
more  endanger  our  fat  system  than  intelligent  children. 
When  the  fat  withdraw  their  good  will  from  anyone  the 


HORROBOO  SPINSTERS  143 

omens  portend  a  private  famine  for  him.  We  call  it  a 
private  famine  when  a  man  is  dislodged  from  employment 
hy  the  fat  lords,  and  a  public  one  when  they  cut  off  the 
whole  nation's  food.  Owing  to  these  overhanging  dangers 
the  men  themselves  are  not  a  little  wary  of  anything  in 
woman  that  savors  of  intellect,  and  know  that  the  symp- 
toms will  pass  away  if  her  passion  of  love  is  put  upon  a 
permanent  diet  of  disinfected  wind.  Socially  enforced 
spinsterhood  is  therefore  used  as  a  cure  and  is  applied  to 
those  females  who  exhibit  the  most  alarming  signs  of 
intelligence. 

"The  men  also  bave  a  little  fear  on  their  own  account, 
being  haunted  with  the  nightmare  that  women  might  make 
some  things  better  if  they  should  acquire  sufficiently  ex- 
panded minds  to  realize  the  stupidity  of  the  men,  which 
illumination  tlie  males  oppose  with  dreadful  vehemence. 
Having  now  by  dint  of  prayer,  commercial  thievery  and 
politics  brought  the  earth  down  to  its  vilest  inventible 
plight,  the  men  maintain  a  determined  inquisition  against 
all  that  would  reveal  their  lazy  and  degraded  natures  to 
women.  They  carefully  teach  women  that  things  have  to 
be  as  they  are,  altho  the  brutish  men  themselves  knowingly 
made  things  what  they  are,  and  keep  them  so.  Tho  from 
this  perpetual  attitude  of  mind  the  men  have  nearly  all 
grown  to  look  like  sneaking  servile  donkeys  (when  they 
are  allowed  food  enough  to  look  like  anything  but  sneak- 
ing ghosts),  strangely  enough  the  women  think  them  very 
beautiful  and  can  be  got  to  marry  the  disgusting  slim 
cravens  any  time. 

"We  have  a  party  which  we  call  The  Changeless,  who 
carry  out  their  principles  against  improvement  with  ador- 
able devotion  and  subtle  logical  force.  They  consider  every 
change  immoral,  since  it  might  chance  to  improve  some- 
thing. A  wicked  change,  according  to  this  High  Stationary 
Set,   and   one  which   reveals   the   iniquity  of   the   soul  of 


144  THE   HORROBOOS 

nature,  is  the  advancement  of  beauty  in  children  as  they 
mature,  but  this  it  is  proposed  to  rectify  by  cutting  atro- 
cious furrows  in  their  faces,  paring  off  the  end  of  a  beauti- 
ful nose  or  breaking  it,  and  taking  other  moral  precautions 
against  perfection.  This  is  a  miraculous  prophylactic 
against  progress  in  the  countenance  and  establishes  a  unity 
between  the  features  of  man  and  those  of  society  by  mak- 
ing them  equally  stationary  and  ugly.  We  recognize  that 
if  it  is  dangerous  for  men  to  depart  from  present  ways 
and  change  into  something  better  now,  it  was  a  mistake 
for  mankind  to  have  left  older  ruts  and  advanced  to  present 
standards  in  the  past,  so  that  progress  was  always  sinful." 

Griffelak  paused  out  of  breath  for  he  had  spoken  rapidly 
with  an  impetuous  relish  for  his  subject.  I  nudged  his 
memory  on  a  momentous  point.  "Why  would  there  be 
suffering  in  times  of  depression  but  for  these  excellent 
child-women,  or  prolonged  virgins?" 

He  answered :  ''They  are  a  reserve  fund  for  the  men 
who  lose  their  work.  Such  men  being  utterly  destitute 
and  having  not  a  morsel  in  their  larders,  marry  a  child- 
woman  from  stark  desperation.  In  gratitude  the  women 
take  their  own  lives  to  become  their  husbands'  cold  lamb, 
preserving  them  until  the  fat  men's  prejudice  against  their 
eating  wears  off  and  they  are  reprieved  from  idleness. 
After  their  long  maidenhood  there  is  nothing  earthly  in 
the  love  of  these  chastened  ex-children ;  one  who  marries 
them  enters  into  the  thin  ethereal  emotions  of  heaven,  which 
has  been  called  by  one  of  our  poets  'the  spaceless  infinite 
of  ineffable  intangibility' ;  in  this  vacuum  of  holiness  the 
men  would  die  speedily  if  they  did  not  eat  their  sainted 
wives  with  dispatch.  But  the  women,  having  immaculated 
themselves  by  mortal  abstinence  through  all  their  lovely 
prime  and  parted  with  their  carnal  womanly  potencies  to 
feel,  hasten  to  immolate  themselves  in  the  invisible,  and 
die  chanting  an  immortal  dirge  named  'Spectral  Pinions 


GRIFFELAK   THE   GREAT  r.c 

of  Phantom  Purity';  death  is  the  apotheosis  of  their  un- 
sulhed  perfection,  for  they  make  excellent  phantom  beef- 
steaks tho  good  for  nothing  else  but  virtue." 

CHAPTER    XXIV 

Griffelak  the  Great 

The  last  cutlet  being  devoured  we  turned  our  conversa- 
tion back  into  heroic  fields,  and  I  inquired  of  His  August 
Solemnity  how  his  family  came  into  the  purple.    "Griffelak 

A  ?M,  '^rn  ^'  ""'"'*  ^'^""^  combined  the  eminences  of 
Achilles  Ulysses,  Dick  Turpin,  George  Washington,  Beel- 
zebub, Elijah,  Judas  and  President  Kruger " 

'Well,"  answered  His  Majesty,  "convey  your  mind  back 
to  the  episode  of  the  goose.     Griffelak  the  Great,  altho 
he  was  not  then  great,  was,  I  have  remarked,  ninety  years 
old  and  in  the  apple  of  his  prime.     He  was  the  mightiest 
youngster  of  them  all,  except  in  his  headpiece  as  I  shall 
prove  to  his  credit  by  and  by.    Time  passed  and  the  people 
began  to  send  hungry  glances  back  to  the  days  when  they 
were  equal,   contented,   happy   and  perfectly   fed.      Some 
mourned  and  were  not  comforted  for  the  loss  of  all  these 
things  by  the  glory  of  wearing  a  goose-quill.     The  death- 
rate  rose  like  the  tide,  they  were  tossed  about  on  the  surges 
of  turgid  anxiety  to  collect  the  needless  food  rent  for  their 
teathers,  and  a  mortal  misery  submerged  the  race.     From 
the  beginning  there  had  been  a  remnant  not  exceeding  a 
fiftieth  of  the  tribe  who  did  not  appreciate  the  value  of 
goose  feathers  and  cared  not  to  wear  them,  preferring  diet. 
They  stubbornly  rejected  the  contract  in  which  the  others 
had  engulted  themselves,  and  furnished  no  surplus  victual 
to  the  fat;  they  prognosticated  that  the  people's  food-debt 
to  the  Gorgers  would  soon  out-volume  the  sands  of  the 


14.6  THE  HORROBOOS 

sea,  and  they  resolved  to  hold  their  claim  to  the  food  stock 
unmortgaged ;  nor  would  they  be  silent  regarding  the  scan- 
dalous wrong,  but  were  ceaselessly  assailing  its  perpetrators 
and  proclaiming  the  future  sorrows  of  the  people.  By 
this  unseemly  interference  with  natural  law  they  incensed 
the  fat,  who  subtly  stirred  up  the  feather-lovers  against 
them  as  seditious  traitors.  Their  lives  were  never  safe, 
and  finally  the  feather-owners,  well  knowing  that  a  truth- 
teller  is  a  brand  of  fire  in  a  rotten  world,  seized  an  occa- 
sion when  the  people  were  a  perfect  furnace  of  wrath 
against  the  patriots  who  had  implored  them  to  resume  their 
rights  to  bread  and  butter,  incited  the  masses  to  put  them- 
selves in  chains  for  revenge,  and  while  these  raging  masses 
were  surfeiting  their  madness  upon  their  own  shackled 
bodies  and  on  their  posterity,  caused  them  to  vote  the 
strongest  man  in  the  tribe  to  be  their  emperor,  to  protect 
them  against  their  hated  saviors.  Martial  law  however 
was  not  rescinded  until  they  had  discovered  the  strongest 
man.  His  residence  was  in  the  mountains  and  he  never 
visited  the  borough  except  on  market  days,  when  he  was 
liable  to  swoop  down  with  a  club  as  large  to  their  terrified 
eyes  as  a  tree  and  to  carry  oft"  several  of  his  fellow  country- 
men for  his  private  refection.  He  was  distinguished  from 
common  men  also  by  the  length  of  his  bodily  hair  which 
sprouted  out  several  inches  in  soft  consistency  on  every 
part  of  his  being.  His  ancestry  was  remarkable  and 
richly  suited  to  kingship,  for  he  was  descended  from  a  long 
line  of  complete  idiots  on  lx)th  sides,  none  of  whom  could 
express  their  range  of  ideas  with  more  than  three  slightly 
varying  grunts. 

"They  transmitted  their  idiocy  unimpaired  from  genera- 
tion to  generation  by  a  system  of  marriage  something  more 
than  divine,  for  they  considered  the  family  so  sacred  that 
it  should  never  be  allowed  to  alter  or  perish  but  be  endowed 
with   an   enduring  impregnable   stability   unknown   in   the 


GRIFFELAK  THE   GREAT  147 

lecherous  universe,  by  shutting  it  solidly  within  itself. 
They  were  of  course  monogamists ;  as  for  divorce  they 
hewed  any  brother  into  first  principles  whose  grunt  con- 
tained a  lush  suggestion  of  it,  and  their  famous  family 
validity  was  cemented  by  the  blessed  sacrament  of  parents 
regularly  marrying  their  children  and  prohibiting  all  wan- 
ton intercommunication  with  stranger  blood.  The  family 
once  formed  was  immediately  sealed  up  and  remained  with 
its  contents  perfect,  absolute,  and  the  same  forever.  There 
could  be  no  doubt  of  either  the  stability  or  holiness  of  their 
marriage  institution  under  these  indissoluble  circumstances. 
Besides  accomplishing  the  preservation  of  idiocy  and  guard- 
ing the  chemical  chastity  of  their  veins,  they  banished  all 
happiness  and  intelligence  from  the  marriage  relation,  mak- 
ing its  sanctity  heavenly.  Altho  their  minds  decayed  under 
this  vertical  nuptial  regimen,  as  was  shown  by  the  dis- 
appearence  of  two  of  their  grunts,  their  bodies  throve  pro- 
digiously and  Griffelak  the  destined  Great  was  endowed 
with  a  muscular  force  equal  to  that  of  an  army  of  meanly- 
begotten  Horroboos  on  a  lower  level  of  matrimony.  Hence 
he  was  in  all  points  the  proper  king  for  the  occasion,  and 
Mr.  Carlyle,  had  he  been  living,  could  have  written  some 
glowing  volumes  of  odd  panegyric  of  him,  for  which  his 
skin,  owing  to  its  vastness,  had  it  been  taken  ofif  and  dried, 
would  have  formed  the  inspiring  parchment. 

"The  first  problem  was  to  catch  this  able  monarchist, 
a  delicate  business  since  his  animosity  to  his  foully  begot- 
ten congeners  was  so  clean  and  pious  that  he  slew  them  on 
sight.  r>y  means  of  a  great  trap  set  between  two  moun- 
tains he  was  finally  captured  however,  the  whole  tribe  unit- 
ing in  the  drive  and  afterward  bearing  him  down  to  the  plain 
in  their  clasped  arms.  There  the  hair  was  shaved  off  him 
up  to  the  neck  by  several  barbers  with  sharp  stones,  to  give 
him  a  kind  of  undress  coating  of  civilization  before  he 
entered  into  the  solemn  contaminations  of  authority. 


148  THE    HORROBOOS 

"He  was  the  ideal  choice  of  the  feather-men.  They 
shrewdly  humored  his  family  prejudices,  granting  that  his 
blood  had  trickled  down  in  a  straight  sluice  from  the 
empyrean  apex,  that  divorces  and  love  marriages  were  the 
only  simon-pure  crimes  in  Africa,  and  that  the  possession 
of  intelligence  indicated  great  lack  of  intellect,  after  which 
they  could  do  whatever  their  whims  invited  with  him. 
Apart  from  his  marital  megrims  he  was  as  docile  as  a 
chambered  carp.  They  entertained  themselves  pulling  his 
tail,  of  which  there  was  still  some  left,  and  jerking  the 
returning  hairs  out  of  his  body,  with  great  pain  to  him 
but  more  delight,  for  they  would  say  to  him  that  it  was 
done  to  see  his  blue  blood  flow  after  the  hair,  the  very 
sight  of  such  blood  throwing  him  into  convulsions  of  pride. 
If  His  Idiot  Majesty  sometimes  grew  angry  when  the 
feathery  fat  patricians  tweaked  his  nose  in  savage  sport, 
it  needed  but  a  declaration  that  in  theory  they  agreed  with 
him  in  everything,  and  the  alarming  monster  immediately 
melted  again  into  an  amiable  mess  of  soft-soap,  sap  and 
honey.  They  used  him  to  wash  their  soiled  linen  and  feet, 
and  for  other  herculean  tasks;  he  chastised  their  enemies 
and  carried  their  friends  on  his  back,  trotting  up  and  down 
with  his  load  in  front  of  their  fatnesses'  palaces  for  hours; 
he  cleaned  their  chimneys  and  blacked  their  shoes,  he  stood 
guard  at  their  gates  all  night  while  they  slept  and  carried 
away  the  hillocks  of  greasy  bones  which  remained  after 
their  meals  in  the  daytime;  in  a  word  he  was  a  pattern 
emperor,  tenderly  obedient  to  his  amorphous  masters,  the 
Money-Bags,  and  about  all  he  asked  in  return  was  the 
imperial  privilege  to  strut  upon  his  legs,  yell,  now  and  then 
kill  somebody,  and  brandish  his  prejudices  and  his  ances- 
tors. 

"Such  an  one  was  my  peerless  progenitor,  Griffelak  First 
and  The  Great.  The  fat  soon  called  on  him  to  slaughter 
a  few  traitors  to  them,  which  earned  him  the  right  to  wear 


GRIFFELAK   THE   GREAT 


149 


three  fish-bones  in  a  raised  triangle  on  the  hair  of  his  chest 
in  witness  that  he  was  the  savior  of  his  country.  George 
Washington  Griffelak,  he  is  sometimes  styled  by  his  mod- 
ern admirers,  but  some  secretly  name  him  Judas  Caesar 
Griffelak.  Of  those  priceless  fish-bones  there  are  only  a 
few  in  our  inland  country,  lifting  their  value  above  the 
avarice  of  purchase.  The  executed  traitors  were  those 
truculent  clodpolls  who  had  refused  to  sign  over  their  prop- 
erty in  the  food  to  the  fat,  those  arrant  opponents  of  com- 
mercial growth  for  whom  pits  and  millstones  were  too  kind. 
Let  me  add  proudly  that  this  crowned  heavy-weight  was 
the  first  to  use  force  in  the  tribe  and  that  he  inaugurated 
the  constitutional  custom  of  putting  progressive  malefac- 
tors to  death.  I  may  here  run  ahead  of  my  story  to  say 
that  a  later  Griffelak  purged  the  commonwealth  of  all  the 
descendants  of  these  cankerous  recalcitrants.  It  was  when 
the  fat  calculators  found  by  Horroboo  logarithms  that  the 
renters  of  their  feathers  owed  them  more  food  than  all 
known  breeds  of  eaten  animals  could  ever  procreate,  and 
foreclosed  their  mortgage  on  all  future  flesh.  Those  who 
had  never  rented  feathers  declared  themselves  exempt  from 
this  act  and  insisted  on  their  right  to  the  animals  as  before. 
Here  the  Counsellors  saved  commerce  by  citing  an  ancient 
statute,  lost  and  obliterated  from  record  and  that  never 
existed,  which  restricted  the  claim  of  these  unruly  men  to 
the  animal  offspring  over  and  above  those  which  all  the 
existing  animals  and  their  descendants  could  reproduce. 
Since  this  vanished  statute  was  said  to  have  been  enacted 
some  centuries  after  the  goose  fell  to  earth,  with  the  pro- 
vision that  it  should  act  backward,  the  proof  was  clinch- 
ing, and  the  tribe,  being  much  addicted  to  dancing,  drunk- 
enness and  philosophy,  was  whirled  away  into  delirious 
conviction  by  the  argument.  The  Counsellors  further  con- 
victed the  protesters  of  being  evil,  by  using  the  well-known 
annihilating   theological    argument    that    'evil    is    evil,'    so 


150  THE   HORROBOOS 

leaving  the  obstructors  with  no  theoretic  ground  to  stand 
on. 

"Nevertheless  my  active  forefather  was  more  useful  than 
the  thinkers:  he  choked  the  objectors  to  death  one  by  one 
wherever  he  met  them,  and  having  restored  harmony  by 
exterminating  all  dissonance,  confirmed  the  title  of  the 
Fat  to  all  the  food  forever." 


CHAPTER   XXV 
The  Chief  Eaters  and  Their  Advanced  Anatomy 

"Were  the  feather-owners  very  happy  in  their  new  voca- 
tion while  these  adventures  were  in  the  wind?"  I  asked. 

"Neither  then  nor  for  ten  thousand  years  afterward," 
admitted  he.  "According  to  the  record  this  period  was 
consumed  in  adapting  themselves  to  the  privileges  of  their 
gastric  regimen.  How  they  missed  the  pleasure  of  hunt- 
ing !  for  they  could  no  longer  go  out  into  the  fields  to  mingle 
frolicsomely  with  their  former  equals,  now  inimitably  be- 
neath them ;  all  their  manly  exertions  and  felicities  ceased, 
leaving  a  bad  appetite,  eternal  colic,  appendicitis,  and 
grandeur  as  their  only  respites  from  mortal  tedium ;  they 
sat  at  home  in  a  noble  dining  palace  hollowed  out  in  the 
earth,  and  ate  and  slept  day  and  night  in  the  same  spot, 
and  hated  and  fre(^uently  assassinated  each  other  to  enliven 
the  maddening  monotony  —  when  they  could  get  enough 
awake  to  do  so.  They  died  young,  scarcely  ever  exceed- 
ing thirty  years,  having  thus  reduced  their  earthly  residence 
below  one-third  of  its  normal  period ;  but  they  said  a  merry 
life  is  the  thing,  and  we  have  secured  the  illustrious  and 
abiding  boon  of  greatness;  and  the  merry  fellows  rotted 
through  their  brief  youthful  years  with  loathsome  diseases 
for  which  there  were  no  names  because  they  had  never 


THE    CHIEF    EATERS 


151 


been  seen  or  heard  of  before.  At  first  they  strove  to  prick 
their  spirits  up  by  a  daily  mimic  hunt  in  the  aristrocratic 
seclusion  of  the  palace  yard,  a  hole  in  the  ground  two  hun- 
dred feet  square,  where  they  waddled  after  kittens  with 
a  furious  simulation  of  excitement,  but  they  missed  the 
jocund  presence  of  their  former  equals,  now  reduced  in- 
feriors, while  their  growing  corpulency  and  distempers 
greatly  restricted  their  power  to  waddle.  The  vulgar 
appearance  of  usefulness  was  delicately  extracted  from 
these  hunts  by  their  austere  avoidance  of  catching  anything, 
which  would  have  savored  of  a  relation  to  the  lower  and 
productive  classes,  whereas  the  motions  of  hunting  were 
compatible  with  their  exalted  station,  if  tarnished  with  no 
practical  results.  Weakness  from  overfeeding  and  chronic 
blood  poisoning  soon  caused  them  to  detest  and  abandon 
even  these  formal  motions. 

"They  ate  and  slept  in  perpetual  fear  of  murderers, 
owing  to  the  sudden  prevalence  of  insanity,  which  had 
burst  out  in  the  tribe  nobody  for  the  life  of  him  could 
tell  why,  altho  the  prophets  had  sat  with  the  tops  of  their 
heads  against  one  another  for  twenty-seven  nights  investi- 
gating themselves  for  the  cause.  At  the  end  of  that  time 
one  of  them,  in  the  lowest  tones  and  most  modest  manner, 
had  inquired  of  the  head  of  his  neighbor  if  the  madness 
might  not  arise  from  popular  despondency  over  withdrawal 
of  the  food  supply,  causing  general  famine,  for  which 
blaspheming  of  the  fat  the  others  had  promptly  kicked  him 
to  death.  Another  vociferously  roared  that  it  sprang  from 
base  popular  jealousy  toward  the  good  fat  men  in  their 
honest  possession  of  the  feathers  and  bread,  a  murky  pro- 
letarian sentiment  deservedly  punished  with  insanity  from 
heaven, — and  this  blameless  seer  was  presented  by  his 
comrades  with  a  tripod  of  beans,  and  by  the  fat  was  adorned 
with  a  new  rank  called  'Fat  Bags'  Advocate,'  in  recogni- 
tion of  his  reptilian  insight. 


152 


THE   HORROBOOS 


*'We  have  a  surgery  which  alone  preserved  the  Hue  of 
the  fat  through  ten  thousand  years  of  stress  and  pain.  An 
aperture  was  made  in  the  wall  of  the  stomach  through 
which  the  superflux  food  could  be  automatically  ejected 
as  they  ate;  in  this  manner  they  could  eat  without  cessation 
and  yet  without  bursting ;  digestion  and  fattening  advanced 
steadily,  while  the  admirable  safety-valve  preserved  the 
anatomical  system  from  destruction.  The  aperture, '  if  I 
know  myself,  was  like  a  foreign  market  out  of  which  the 
fat  capitalists  who,  God  bless  them,  were  bound  to  eat 
everything  so  that  the  people  might  get  nothing,  could 
naturally  discharge  the  national  surplus  from  their  system 
and  still  eat  and  still  not  explode,  but  you  are  better  versed 
in  that  topic." 

I  assured  Griffelak  of  the  brilliancy  of  his  suspicions, 
and  he  went  on. 

"Toward  morning  nightly,  when  the  stomachs  made  their 
nearest  approach  to  emptiness,  servants  came  and  intro- 
duced into  the  holes  the  nozzles  of  bellows  which  they 
worked  to  blow  the  stomachs  full  of  air,  distending  them 
as  far  as  they  would  go  and  thus  gradually  increasing  their 
executive  capacity.  Consequently  a  notable  change  has 
taken  place  in  the  fat  men's  internal  departments  and  they 
are  not  like  other  men's.  To  accommodate  the  preternat- 
ural quantity  of  work  required  of  it  the  stomach  entered 
into  competition  with  the  other  vital  organs,  usurping  their 
space  and  diminishing  their  size,  whereby  the  blood  assumed 
a  peculiar  superior  nature,  having  retained  a  great  many 
of  the  excellent  qualities  which  the  kidneys  and  other 
thievish  organs  are  wont  to  pilfer  and  carry  out  of  the 
food  to  the  body's  loss.  It  is  therefore  no  dream  that  the 
fat  are  composed  of  different  blood  and  a  higher  nature 
than  the  rabble  population,  that  their  essence  is 
endowed  with  rich  attributes  wasted  and  rejected  from  the 
common  anatomy,  that  their  spirits  contain  various  acids 


THE   CHIEF   EATERS  153 

and  salts  severely  indispensable  to  perfection,  that  they  are 
a  new  creation  higher  than  man  but  not  quite  so  high  as 
God,  that  their  blood  is  an  ichorish  white  liquid  middling 
between  melted  grease  and  glue.  Naturally  these  superior 
creatures  with  their  refined  and  attenuated  emotions  con- 
sider redblooded  men  a  gross  species  of  tamed  animals  or 
domesticated  gibbon,  with  which  their  spirits  have  nothing 
in  common." 

"Have  you  an  inner  map  of  this  rare  anatomy?"  I  cried 
ardently;  "I  should  like  to  carry  a  portrait  of  these  expan- 
sion stomachs  and  abdomens  back  to  the  United  States,  to 
patent  and  suggestively  sell  to  the  rich." 

"I  can  give  you  a  pretty  accurate  description."  replied 
the  Emperor,  "and  you  can  make  the  drawings.  The  cen- 
tral stomach  found  it  hugely  laborious  to  digest  for  its 
distant  dependencies — the  legs  and  arms  and  head,  and 
therefore  organized  a  branch  stomach  in  each  of  these 
provinces.  The  one  in  the  brain  is  peculiarly  interesting, 
occupying  a  noble  arena  in  the  central  region  of  the  enceph- 
alon,  where  it  furnishes  the  substance  of  thoughts  direct 
to  the  brain-cells,  without  the  delay  of  heart-beats  and 
arterial  journeys.  These  thoughts  are  many  grades  nearer 
the  true  nature  of  things  than  common  men's  thoughts, 
since  they  come  straight  out  of  the  food  in  its  natural  state 
in  the  head,  free  from  the  numerous  transformations  of 
its  being  and  removals  from  spirit  wrought  in  lower  men 
by  its  confused  wanderings  through  the  body  in  digestion. 
They  thus  assimilate  ultimate  being  and  reality  unchanged 
out  of  the  food  into  their  thoughts.*     We  have  therefore 


•We  have  been  very  snobbishly  censured  by  some  foreigners  for  our 
cnnnlbnllsni,  remarked  GrifCebik  aside  soon  after,  but  here  we  have  Its 
scientific  basis;  and  he  asserted  that  It  was  no  counsel  of  perfection 
that  the  loitering  peoples  of  Europe  and  Aiuerica  would  some  day  arrive 
at  its  adoption.  Since  cooking,  he  said,  destroys  the  life  of  grain  and 
meat,  the  cooking  nations  feed  on  ashes;  we  prefer  to  feed  life  with  life,  rather 
than  with  death.  But  it  is  of  no  less  moment  what  forms  of  living  cells 
we  feed  on,  whether  high  or  low;  now  grains  and  vegetables  are  low 


154  THE    HORROBOOS 

the  highest  system  of  philosophy  ever  introduced  into  the 
world,  but  of  course  it  is  only  comprehensible  to  the  fat- 
men,  a  mind  not  fed  like  theirs  by  the  metaphysical  essence 
of  food  being  unable  to  grapple  with  the  mechanism  of 
their  conceptions.  We  know  for  example  the  exact  nature 
of  God,  where  he  is  and  how  large;  we  have  a  correct 
analysis  of  his  fairly  numerous  essences ;  nothing  remains 
to  be  learned  about  Being,  Spirit,  Consciousness,  Thought, 
Matter,  Energy,  or  Life,  all  having  been  comprehended 
in  their  most  ultimate  meaning;  matter  has  been  transmuted 
into  consciousness  and  consciousness  into  matter.  The 
chemical  composition  of  Sin  and  Love  has  been  untangled, 
all  through  the  operation  of  the  mind-stomach,  which  con- 
veys all  these  things  in  their  natural  state  directly  into 
thought,  thereby  unveiling  their  most  secret  properties  and 
essence.  Love  of  any  quality  and  intensity  can  now  be 
manufactured  in  the  laboratory,  and  being  swallowed  or 
inhaled  will  invade  the  system  of  the  swallower  with  its 
nature.  A  particular  kind  of  love  has  to  be  compounded 
with  reference  to  each  individual  toward  whom  the  emo- 
tion is  to  be  felt,  for  no  two  loves  in  the  universe  are 
alike.  Sin  turned  out  to  be  an  indigestion  of  ideas — which 
will  be  obviated  hereafter  by  the  mental  stomach.  In  truth 
everything  marvelous  has  been  reduced  to  the  simplicity 
of  light  by  our  great  fat  thinkers,  so  that  the  humblest 


aufl  tit  only  to  make  brutes,  as  tlicy  do;  the  animals  arc  one  stage 
bi^lifr,  yet  if  eaten  can  only  proiluee  inferior  hcastlikc  forms  of  men, 
and  very  bloodthirsty  ones  as  eivilization  shows;  but  when  men  are 
eaten,  and  especially  if  devoured  alive,  the  system  of  the  devourer  Is 
nourished  by  the  highest  elements  of  life  that  are  available  and  a 
humanity  bordering  on  the  divine  appears.  The  devourer  consumes 
the  high  thoughts  and  emotions  of  the  consumed.  Witness  our  divine 
Fat,  who  feed  freely  on  their  best  fellow  countrymen.  Thus,  living 
cannibalism  is  sclentiflcally  and  morally  sustained,  and  we  contemplate 
sending  out  missionaries  to  inspire  the  derelict  white  races  with  It  by 
and  by.  On  this  principle  it  is  much  more  elevating  to  eat  the  philoso- 
phers, the  poets,  the  musicians,  and  the  inventors  than  to  devour  mere 
ordinary  men,  and  to  derive  the  greatest  benefit  they  should  certainly  be 
eaten  alive  at  the  moment  when  engaged  in  their  highest  thinking. 


THE   CHIEF   EATERS  155 

Horroboo  has  an  infinite  knowledge  of  absoluteness.  We 
are  glad  to  possess  this  information  altho  none  of  us  has 
the  faintest  conception  what  it  means,  for  infinite  thoughts 
like  the  fat  men's  are  not  for  finite  minds,  and  since  the 
fat  are  always  asleep  they  can  never  realize  or  impart  what 
they  think. 

"One  prominent  teaching  alone  we  clearly  comprehend, 
namely,  that  God  is  like  a  fat  man  considerabiy  magnified. 
He  has  no  feeling  for  the  lean  because  he  is  not  in  the 
least  like  them.  He  is  at  least  four  times  as  large  as  our 
fattest.  There  were  skeptics  on  this  point  until  some  two 
thousand  years  ago  when  a  revelation  occurred.  The  lower 
ribs  on  the  left  side  of  the  fat  suddenly  gave  way  and 
the  stomach  bulged  forth  gibbously  about  two  feet  in  that 
quarter;  dyspepsia  which  had  been  due  to  stomach  con- 
striction then  disappeared,  the  outer  apertures  in  the  stom- 
achs closed  up,  for  the  digestive  power  had  increased  two 
feet  and  was  equal  to  all  rational  demands,  and  it  was 
recognized  that  after  ten  thousand  years  of  virtuous  suf- 
fering and  struggle  the  fat  were  rewarded,  adapted  and 
finished,  which  never  could  have  been  done  except  by  a 
god  sufficiently  like  the  fat  to  realize  and  sympathize  with 
their  needs. 

"Several  circumstances  thereupon  improved  astoundingly. 
Things  had  reached  a  state  where  preparations  were  mov- 
ing for  voluntary  tribal  extinction  by  suicide,  fat  and  lean, 
feathered  and  featherless,  suffering  acutely  and  fiercely 
disgusted  with  existence.  Wc  were  diverted  back  to  duty 
by  Providence,  who  on  the  very  day  that  he  expanded  the 
fat  men  laterally  caused  one  of  the  featherless  lean  weigh- 
ing sixty  pounds  to  bring  forward  a  plan  which  preserved 
the  tribe,  restored  happiness  and  has  crowned  us  with  that 
illustrious  superiority  over  other  terrestrials  which  you 
admire.  The  fat  were  about  to  erase  themselves  from 
being  on  account  of  their  dreadful  wretchedness,  the  people 


156  THE   HORROBOOS 

were  gasping  after  annihilation  because  neither  by  dili- 
gence, virtue,  prayerful  flattery  nor  smiling  chicanery  could 
they  force  open  the  doors  into  the  envied  sphere  of  agony 
and  fatness.  On  the  verge  of  these  final  horrors  it  was 
proposed  that  a  small  aperture  should  be  cut  into  that  dole- 
ful precinct  to  permit  the  principle  of  the  excluded  com- 
moner to  pass  in,  while  keeping  the  commoner  himself  out 
— mark,  it  was  a  commoner  who  proposed  it :  this  reformer 
boldly  alleged  and  advocated  that  of  those  who  had  no 
feathers  certain  carefully  chosen  individuals  should  be 
permitted  under  very  delicate  conditions  to  acquire  them 
and  to  cross  the  sacred  bar  into  the  social  tabernacle  of  the 
fetid  felicities  hitherto  reserved  for  the  fat  men's  children 
exclusively,  saying  plausibly  that  if  the  principle  of  equality 
without  its  reality  were  established,  they  would  need  be  at 
no  pains  to  go  deeper  for  salvation.  If  we  acknowledge 
the  principle  of  the  rights  of  men,  why  should  they  clamor 
for  their  rights  too?  We  reasoned  that  enjoyment  of  the 
principle  without  the  rights  should  satisfy  them,  and  we 
found  that  it  did." 


CHAPTER   XXVI 

HoRROBOo  Equality 

"This  renowned  protocol  of  amity  between  the  hunter 
bumpkins  and  the  exalted  caste  of  the  saintly  fat  provided 
that  every  five  years  one  from  the  lowly  ranks  should  be- 
come fat  to  the  extent  of  wearing  feathers  and  eating  or 
rotting  food  that  would  naturally  supply  a  thousand,  though 
his  stomach  could  not  be  expected  to  swell  through  his 
ribs  immediately  nor  all  his  diseases  to  arrive  at  once.  By 
means  of  this  generous  concession,  in  one  generation, 
which  had  then  sunk  down  to  twenty  years,  four  persons 


HORROBOO  EQUALltY  157 

would  rise  out  of  the  lowly  ranks  of  the  mean  and  lean 
into  the  precious  azure  of  corpulency  and  spirit,  which 
would  culminate  in  a  glorious  total  of  twenty  emancipations 
in  a  brief  hundred  years.  As  a  counterpoise  to  this  noble 
grant  the  institution  of  carrying  their  fat  lordships  which 
you  have  seen  in  all  its  flaming  grandeur  was  invented, 
lest  the  heads  of  the  simple  masses  should  be  turned  by 
their  good  fortune, — which  is  avoided  by  dividing  the  popu- 
lation into  body-servants  or  carriers  of  the  eminent,  who 
are  non-productive  but  are  bathed  in  the  odor  of  honor 
by  proximity  to  its  fountain,  and  common  hunters,  who 
never  enjoy  the  perfume  of  grandeur  and  work  twice  as 
hard  under  the  stress  of  collecting  food  for  the  carrier  class 
as  well  as  for  themselves;  but  the  sense  that  one  out  of 
them  all  in  the  term  of  five  years  will  graduate  from  his 
humble  sorrows,  consoles  and  intoxicates  them  and  they 
have  many  of  the  sensations  reserved  for  the  fat  gods. 
Meanwhile  the  carrying  has  been  of  heroic  benefit  to  the 
fat  themselves  by  drawing  them  out  of  their  palatial  hole 
in  the  ground  where  for  ten  thousand  years  they  had  eaten 
in  damp,  moldy  and  majestic  solitude,  and  diminishing  the 
hours  wherein  they  can  exclusively  eat. 

"Now  this  just  and  redeeming  fifth-year  initiation  into 
fatness  was  a  fiash  of  master  genius,  albeit  struck  out  in 
the  grimy  mind  of  a  crawling  plebeian.  It  restored  equal- 
ity, in  whose  wake  returned  contentment,  happiness  and 
the  soothing  fusion  of  honied  class-love.  Amazing  to  think 
that  for  a  hundred  centuries  society  had  been  groaning 
heavily  under  inequality  and  had  never  learned  this  truly 
amazing  secret  of  equality  without  its  sting!  How  the 
tribe  cursed  its  torpid  forefathers  for  failing  to  devise  the 
glittering  necromancy  earlier !  Unequal  equality  now  healed 
the  sorry  strifes  and  angry  breaches  of  humanity." 

I  now  addressed  him :  "Gorgeous  Substance  of  the  Sun, 
you  appear  to  be  speaking  soberly,  nor  to  be  regaling  me 


158  'rHE   HORROBOOS 

with  the  torrid  scandals  of  African  pleasantry,  but  here 
you  have  a  tribe  of  fifty  thousand  soul-pods — for  I  do  not 
think  there  is  a  true  soul  (in  the  theological  seminary 
sense)  in  one  of  these  shuffling  shapes — of  whom  one  hun- 
dred only  belong  to  the  order  of  shining  corpulency,  and 
four  more  that  are  admitted  to  that  unblemished  collec- 
tion of  abominations  during  man's  lifetime — four  out  of 
fifty  thousand  may  'better  their  condition'  in  a  generation, 
and  this  you  call  equality!     Is  this  African  wit?" 

"Not  so  much  wit  as  the  highest  kind  of  equality,"  he 
answered  gravely.  "Because  any  one  in  the  tribe  may 
be  one  of  those  fortunate  four.  A  person  who  may  become 
the  greatest  among  us  is  surely  equal  to  the  greatest  all 
the  time — that  ought  to  be  logically  clear  to  a  mosquito." 

"Perhaps,"  said  I,  "for  seeing  things  wrong  with  cock 
logic  is  generally  the  logic  of  mosquito  minds.  But  we 
are  not  mosquitoes,  I  hope,  let  us  therefore  examine.  The 
49,896  dust-motes  of  each  generation  who  will  never  ascend 
to  the  honored  position  of  fat  men  are  equals  of  the  fat 
because  four  out  of  their  ranks  become  fat?" 

"Absolutely  equal,  since  all  of  the  49,896  have  the  same 
chance  as  the  four." 

"There  is  prodigious  strength  in  your  logic,"  said  I,  "to 
elevate  so  many  with  so  little  help,  but  I  would  gently 
submit  a  thought  or  two  to  Your  Holy  Infinitude.  Those 
who  are  to  become  equal  are  not  so  until  they  have  become, 
are  they?" 

He  admitted  this. 

"Then  those  who  never  will  become  equal  are  neither 
now  nor  ever  equal  to  their  superiors?" 

"It  is  quite  true,"  said  he. 

"The  fifty  thousand  minus  four  are  never  equals  of  the 
fat  men,  it  seems." 

"So  it  seems,"  cogitated  his  royal  eminence,  "but  you 
forget  that  the  whole  tribe  can  be  one  of  these  four." 


HORROBOO    EQUALITY  159 

"Do  you  think  that  more  than  four  can  be  four?"  I 
asked.     "Can   four  include  fifty  thousand?" 

"Not  precisely  that,"  said  he,  very  red  under  his  ebony 
skin,  "but  all  can  join  the  race." 

"But  joining  the  race  does  not  make  all  winners.  You 
say  that  all  are  equal  to  the  successful  because  all  have  an 
equal  chance  to  run,  but  all  have  not  an  equal  chance  to 
win,  and  winning  is  what  makes  them  equal  to  their  superi- 
ors, who  are  the  goal.  Suppose  it  were  decreed  that  all 
might  run  for  fatness  and  none  attain  it,  would  you  then 
assert  that  all  were  equal  to  the  fat?" 

"Emphatically  not,"  said  he;  "how  silly!" 

"But  they  would  all  have  an  equal  chance  to  run,  which 
was  your  standard  of  equality,  and  the  difference  between 
none  winning  and  four  winning  is  ridiculously  slight.  And 
I  will  tell  you  why  you  are  confused  on  this  point,  for  I 
studied  logic  in  connection  with  the  ministry :  logic  would 
clarify  the  ministry  of  cant  if  their  salaries  were  paid  for 
their  being  logical.  You  imagine  that  all  are  equal,  at  least 
in  opportunity,  to  the  highest,  because  you  do  not  happen 
to  be  able  to  select  the  destined  four  who  will  be  equal ; 
if  you  could  select  them  and  have  the  very  individuals 
before  your  eyes  it  would  be  clear  that  all  the  residue  of 
the  fifty  thousand  are  hopeless  and  permanent  inferiors 
to  whom  the  word  equality  in  no  way  applies  at  any  time. 
But  they  are  a  definite  four  and  no  others,  there  they  are 
among  the  fifty  thousand,  living  bodily  without  vagueness; 
the  rest  might  as  well  be  out  of  the  race,  for  inequality  and 
inferiority  are  their  dark  mortal  doom." 

"Why  do  you  take  such  an  interest  in  this?"  he  asked, 
sniffing  suspiciously ;  "do  you  design  to  reason  us  out  of 
our  institutions?" 

"By  no  means,"  I  protested.  "My  motto  is  sweetness 
and  light ;  I  desire  to  give  you  light  that  you  may  know 
what  wonderful  institutions  you  have  in  order  to  be  sweet 


l6o  THE   HORROBOOS 

while  they  destroy  you.  What  are  sweetness  and  light  for 
but  to  make  you  reverently  appreciative  of  the  blessings 
you  have  tho  they  be  few,  and  to  keep  you  from  making  a 
fuss  to  get  more?" 

"If  that  is  all,"  said  he,  his  snuffles  dying  away  and  a 
bespeaking  leer  taking  their  place,  "don't  go  to  the  trouble. 
Heavens !  did  you  suppose  that  anyone,  fat  or  mean,  great 
or  lank,  imagines  we  have  practical  equality  or  desire  it? 
Lord,  no;  it  is  theoretical  equality  we  live  on,  sweetly  the 
fat  and  full,  and  sourly  the  thin  and  hungry,  blit  gladly  all, 
for  practical  equality  is  a  detestable  idea  to  the  low  as 
well  as  the  high,  while  theoretical  equality  is  a  constant 
banquet  for  the  soul.  The  low  are  more  jealous  of  their 
divine  right  to  have  and  worship  superiors  than  the  high 
are  of  their  right  to  spurn  and  despise  their  worshipers. 
But  while  it  would  be  disgusting  to  have  every  clodhopper 
your  practical  equal  it  is  elevating  to  consider  him  so  in 
your  mind.  It  generates  in  the  brain  the  true  constituent 
gases  of  love,  which  there  firmly  and  safely  corked  propa- 
gate a  thousand  delightful  little  tinkling  emotions  that 
swell  and  fill  the  soul,  circulating  through  it,  proud,  crabbed 
and  exclusive  though  it  be  in  reality,  and  invade  it  with  a 
vapory  decoction  of  sentiment  so  that  every  cell  whirls 
about  with  a  loosened  ecstacy,  stretched  by  the  expansive 
power  of  the  love  gas  to  its  tenderest  distention,  the  cells 
all  throbbing  violently  to  quicken  the  love  storm.  This  is 
what  theoretical  equality  does  for  the  lover  by  confining 
itself  within  the  head.  Now  if  this  festal  disturbance 
should  escape  from  the  walls  of  the  mind  and  actually  go 
out  to  hunt  after  the  loved  creatures  to  lavish  itself  upon 
them  in  the  shape  of  practical  equality  and  friendship, 
the  strength  of  its  compression  in  the  head  being  removed, 
its  sweet  sensations  would  vanish  away  by  volatile  diffu- 
sion, and  there  would  be  no  pleasure  in  equality.  Practical 
love  and  equality  are  opposed  to  universal  nature  and  are 


HORROBOO    EQUALITY  i6l 

seductive  agents  of  grief  to  humanity  as  a  whole.  Scien- 
tifically disciplined  love  has  nothing  to  do  with  its  objects; 
it  is  but  a  gaseous  fermentation  in  a  closed  mental  space 
for  which  purpose  and  its  safe  exercise  the  bones  of  the 
cranium  have  been  implanted  in  man.  He  would  be  a 
thankless  scalawag  who  should  suffer  these  precious  fumes 
to  filter  out  and  be  lost  in  the  air  of  common  mankind, 
emptying  the  vault  of  his  mind  of  all  its  emotional  gems. 

"The  masses,  I  can  tell  you  also,  do  not  prize  or  wish 
this  practical  equality,  for  like  their  fat  brethren  their  most 
pungent  felicity  is  derived  from  loving  generalities  within 
the  head.  Whoever  has  a  head  can  love  an  imaginary  man ; 
he  possesses  the  stalwart  faculty  for  generating  love's  fiery 
vapors  toward  some  one  a  great  distance  off.  The  lean 
and  starved  usually  select  a  fat  gentleman  as  the  target 
of  their  higher  emotions,  conscious  that  if  they  place  their 
affections  on  things  above,  their  souls  will  ever  ascend 
toward  the  object.  Theoretic  equality,  by  which  two  leap 
the  gap  of  caste  in  a  decade,  shows  them  that  their  aspira- 
tions are  not  hopeless ;  but  practical  equality,  by  placing 
them  all  on  the  sublime  pinnacle  of  things  at  once,  would 
rob  them  of  high  objects  to  strive  for  and  reduce  their 
natures  to  a  barren  emotionless  calm.  Equal  love  is  like 
a  drought.  To  secure  a  powerful  activity  of  the  affections 
you  must  project  them  upon  some  one  higher  or  lower 
than  yourself.  The  lower  calls  forth  the  pleasing  exudations 
of  pity,  the  higher  fructifies  the  mighty  ramifications  of 
reverence;  each  prevents  contact  and  pens  the  divine  dis- 
tillation in  the  cockles  of  the  brain.  Practical  equality 
would  pluck  out  the  fragile  fangs  of  tenderness.  We 
achieve  theoretical  equality  by  the  coronation  of  four  new 
fat  creatures  every  generation ;  practical  equality  would 
oblige  us  to  open  up  the  rich  pastures  of  edible  flesh  to  all 
human  kind,  and  to  allow  all  to  eat." 

"Here  we  have  a  man  fitted  for  a  high  sphere  in  civiliza- 


l62  THE    HORROBOOS 

tion,  rusting  at  the  head  of  a  dirty  African  Empire!"  I 
broke  out  impetuously,  forgetting  my  deity  attributes. 

"America,  with  its  flags,  froth,  fraud,  jokes,  starvation 
and  embalmed  specimens  of  extinct  freedom,  is  the  place 
for  you,  with  your  Ethiopian  morals  and  powers.  You 
would  earn  a  glorious  income  in  vanity  and  swag.  And 
you  could  deposit  your  profits  in  the  First  National  Bank 
of  Isaac  and  Christ,  which  I  intend  to  found  and  founder, 
where  it  will  be  safely  kept  until  the  latter's  second  com- 
ing, and  you  can  return  to  Africa  without  fear  of  ever 
seeing  it  again.  You  are  the  soundest  philosopher  of  this 
century  and  deserve  a  place  with  Tupper,  Twangle,  Eddy, 
Tingley,  Twinkle,  Besant  and  Blavatsky.  You  are  a  true 
saint,  a  second  Buddha,  who  ought  to  go  into  business  as 
a  manufacturer  of  Messiahs  of  Equality." 

The  leader  of  men  replied  blushing:  "But  you  don't 
fathom  my  ambition.  Serenity ;  I  am  a  literary  genius,  and 
I  want  to  have  my  Horroboo  writings  translated  to  the 
world  so  that  I  may  dazzle  all  mankind  as  I  have  blinded 
my  nation  with  them  at  home.  My  literary  method  is  chaste 
and  up-to-date.  I  use  literature  as  the  art  of  picking  out 
microscopic  granules  of  pleasure  from  the  common  mire 
of  human  experience,  sticking  them  together  in  a  dough 
of  sparkling  sprightly  words,  and  giving  the  product  to 
the  public  as  an  accurate  specimen  of  human  life,  to  pro- 
mote contentment  with  poverty.  I  hold  that  an  author 
who  cannot  tickle  the  ribs  of  laughter  to  convince  his  read- 
ers that  bad  is  good,  and  misery  a  divine  thing  for  the 
majority,  is  no  better  than  a  literary  cow.  He  must  close 
his  eyes  to  the  realities  of  the  world  and  sift  out  as  many 
little  grains  of  brightness  from  the  general  woe  as  he  can 
find.  If  none  can  be  found  he  must  invent  some.  Then 
let  him  glue  them  together  in  an  esthetic  mush  of  adhesive 
grammar,  and  sugar  all  with  optimism  to  anodyne  the 
multitude.     I  have  dazed  and  enchanted  the  whole  Horro- 


ttORROBOO    EQUALITY  163 

boo  tribe  and  established  literature  as  a  deadly  power  to 
strangle  truth,  by  following  these  tenets  of  literary  crea- 
tion, and  I  think  I  can  strangle  the  rest  of  the  world  with 
them." 

His  eyes  were  set  with  devouring  eagerness  as  he  uttered 
these  radiant  words,  and  from  the  depth  of  my  soul  my 
answer  came : 

"Griffelak,  for  the  discovery  of  these  deep  laws  you  are 
entitled  to  an  early  grave  in  Westminster  Abbey,  while 
your  foul  soul  floats  friendless  in  the  dizzy  dome  of  the 
universe.  You  deserve  an  imperishable  rocking-chair  at 
the  first  lunch  counter  of  civilized  letters.  With  humor 
you  can  chortle  through  the  abysses  of  human  injustice, 
iniquity  and  wrong,  seeing  nothing.  You  can  sweeten  life 
for  all  robbed  and  outraged  sufferers  by  telling  them  they 
are  not  suffering;  and  to  all  the  creators  of  their  suffering 
you  can  bring  heaven's  own  peace  by  singing  in  poetry  that 
all  their  victims  are  more  blest  for  being  ruined.  Here 
is  my  hand,  old  pirate,  I  will  translate  your  books." 

As  a  hungry  lion  caresses  his  keeper  for  meat,  or  an 
affectionate  dog  licks  the  skin  of  his  master,  so  Griffelak 
kissed  my  fingers  a  thousand  times  and  would  have  applied 
the  same  fondness  to  my  face  if  I  had  not  reminded  him 
that  sentiment  and  business  had  long  since  been  divorced 
and  marriage  between  them  abolished,  and  that  we  still 
had  things  commercially  profitable  to  talk  about. 

"To  resume,  I  will  take  you  on  a  circuit  of  civilization 
to  conciliate  workingmen  with  their  lot.  Our  workingmen, 
blessed  little  gullibles,  are  making  trouble  on  account  of 
their  imaginary  degradation;  and  they  are  such  excellent 
objects  of  your  kind  of  love — if  rich  people  only  knew 
the  theory — that  love  would  be  immediately  generated  in 
great  quantities,  causing  the  workingmen  to  recover  from 
the  distemper  they  are  in  from  not  understanding  that 
they  are  really  equal  in  your  way  to  everybody  else.     'Un- 


41 

164  THE   HORROBOOS 

equal  Equality'  is  the  amalgamating  formula.  The  poor 
devils'  ignorance  must  be  buttered  thick  with  it;  we  will 
carry  it  to  the  workshops  and  sweatshops.  And  when 
your  silvery  solo  is  heard,  there  will  be  massive  contribu- 
tions from  the  wealthy  to  the  cause  of  Equal  Inequality." 

"I  will  go  wherever  you  wish,"  said  Griffelak,  "for  I  am 
an  apostle  of  light  if  the  salary  is  what  it  should  be.  I 
would  even  preach  in  a  Fifth  Avenue  church." 

I  replied,  patting  him  on  the  back: 

"That  savory  discrimination  of  love  in  the  head  from 
love  in  the  world  deserves  a  pope's  diadem  and  a  trust 
potentate's  salary,  and  certainly  will  be  as  epoch-making 
in  the  sphere  of  factories  and  enlarged  grave-yards  as 
Darwin's  beautiful  introduction  of  us  to  our  ancestors 
was  for  a  time  a  storm-maker  in  ecclesiastical  tea-parties." 


CHAPTER   XXVII 
I  Meet  the  Fat 

The  lecture  contract  being  ratified  and  a  brief  sleep 
taken,  with  a  lunch  of  baked  human  possibilities,  we  re- 
turned to  the  subject  of  institutions.  "Tell  me,"  said  I, 
"how  it  is  that  the  four  who  are  to  be  honored  with  fat 
are  selected." 

"By  an  honest  competition  of  worthiness,"  he  answered. 
"Every  five  years  we  have  a  rivalry  of  the  whole  tribe  to 
ascertain  who  can  longest  abstain  from  eating;  the  victor 
in  the  greatest  number  of  these  noble  trials  is  the  happy 
Horroboo  who  is  elevated  to  the  proprietorship  of  feathers 
and  fat ;  if  there  is  a  tie  among  several  a  separate  contest 
is  held  to  decide." 

"I  fail  to  see  how  this  sheds  light  upon  the  virtue  of  the 
contestants,  or  upon  their  fitness  for  the  exalted  station  of 
fatmen." 


I   MEET   THE   FAT  l^^ 

"It  is  not  supposed  to  show  their  virtue  or  fitness  for 
anything,    for   virtue   has   no   connection    with    fatness    or 
examinations ;  but  you  must  have  some  standard  of  human 
promotion  and  provided  it  is  severe  enough   I   don't  see 
that  it  makes  much  difference  what  the  criterion  is.     Some 
were  in  favor  of  making  it  the  amount  of  vinegar  a  man 
could  drink,  others  the  period  he  could  stand  on  his  head, 
yet  others  the  number  of  loose  and  disconnected  sounds 
he  could  fasten  longitudinally  in  his  memory,  a  few  even 
contended  that  the  surest  test  would  be  to  select  the  man 
who  could  hang  longest  by  the  neck  without  dying,  but  at 
length  all  agreed  that  fasting  was  best,  since  a  man  capable 
of  starving  himself  soundly  must  surely  have  a  pat  ability 
for  starving  others,  which  is  a  power  fat  men  must  continu- 
ally exercise. 

"The  equality  revolution  I  have  described  brought  the 
feather-men  not  only  better  health  but  a  new  tranquillity 
of  mind.  No  longer  in  fear  of  bodily  molestation  they 
abandoned  their  occasional  moments  between  eatings  to 
sleep,  and  even  taught  themselves  to  eat  and  sleep  at  the 
same  time.  During  recent  centuries  they  have  seldom 
awakened  to  full  consciousness  and  it  is  known  that  they 
have  clean  lost  a  bundle  of  feelings  and  intellectual  powers 
belonging  to  the  herd  and  marking  their  vulgarity:  for 
example,  they  show  no  sympathy  for  others  under  any 
conditions  and  the  range  of  their  ideas  is  limited  to  the  two 
processes  of  eating  and  preventing  others  from  doing  so." 
I  exclaimed,  horrified :  "Do  you  tell  me  that  others  of 
your  tribe  hanker  to  become  the  counterparts  of  these  dis- 
mal mentally  and  morally  eviscerated  diseased  congenital 
idiots?" 

"All  of  them  do;  it  is  a  sure  evidence  of  refinement  to 
lose  a  natural  impulse  or  a  feeling  or  an  ability  to  think: 
altho  one  may  never  be  a  fatman  himself,  to  be  like  them 
is  the  nearest  thing  to  complete  Horroboo  culture." 


l66  THE   HORROBOOS 

"Your  Imperial  Highness,"  I  cried,  struck  by  an  inquisi- 
tive idea,  "I  should  like  to  talk  with  some  of  these  distin- 
guished beings." 

"Talk  with  them?  Gladly,  they  are  always  happy  to 
talk." 

"But  tell  me  one  thing  first  that  I  may  not  make  myself 
ridiculous.  Besides  the  servants  bearing  their  excellencies 
I  notice  under  each  frame  the  impressive  figure  of  a  man 
walking;  his  head  and  shoulders  are  horizontally  bowed 
because  he  cannot  go  erect  underneath:  what  is  he? — the 
physician  to  their  sick  highnesses?  or  their  scavenger?  or 
errand-boy?  and  why  does  he  not  walk  outside  where  he 
can  hold  up  his  head?" 

"Those  are  the  Counsellors,"  answered  Emperor  Grifife- 
lak.  "The  stooped  position  in  which  you  remark  them  is 
their  natural  one.  Having  stood  and  walked  in  that  folded 
attitude  for  many  thousand  years  they  have  grown  so, 
and  now  are  born  bent  and  curved ;  nor  are  they  allowed 
to  walk  except  where  you  see  them,  lest  striving  to 
straighten  their  necks  they  should  forget  the  reverence 
due  the  masters  lying  above  them,  on  whom  their  thoughts 
must  be  exclusively  intent." 

"Select  the  fattest,  Your  Puissance,"  I  requested ;  "I  may 
be  able  to  get  more  out  of  them." 

GrifTelak  signalled  a  group  bearing  a  brace  of  fabulous 
rotundities  to  approach  and  deposit  their  load  of  sleep  upon 
the  earth.  The  recumbent  hillocks  did  not  stir  and  I  could 
canvass  their  topography  without  impertinence.  They  were 
about  six  feet  in  length  and  fourteen  in  breadth  and  thick- 
ness, for  certainly  as  they  lay  on  their  backs  the  perihelion 
of  their  stomachs  was  not  short  of  fourteen  feet  from  the 
ground,  nor  was  the  circumference  of  the  man's  leg  by 
actual  measurement,  which  I  took  near  the  thigh,  an  inch 
less  than  eleven  feet  ten.  The  head  on  the  contrary  was 
about  half  the  normal   size,   indicating  the   disappearance 


I  MEET  THE   FAt  1^7 

df    faculties,    which   even   the   cranium   stomach   had    not 
entirely  made  good. 

"Wake  them,"  I  said. 

Griffelak  spoke  a  few  words  to  the  fifty  attendants  of 
the  serene  sleepers,  who  vigorously  seized  on  them  and 
rolled  them  up  and  down  the  avenue  the  space  of  a  hun- 
dred feet,  then  kneaded  and  thumped  their  flesh,  and  lastly 
held  them  upside  down  to  concentrate  some  blood  into  their 
heads.  This  treatment  finally  elicited  a  few  groans  to  sig- 
nify that  their  consciousness  was  approaching. 

I  addressed  them  very  civilly,  saying  that  I  should  enjoy 
their  companionship  in  travel  for  the  benefit  of  science  and 
the  enlightenment  of  the  twilight  places  of  the  earth  where 
they  were  unknown,  to  which  they  discourteously  replied 
by  merely  opening  their  mouths  to  the  breadth  of  a  fissure 
that  obliterated  the  other  features  and  suggested  a  crevice 
in  eternity  on  account  of  the  awful  things  below,  where- 
upon a  couple  of  attendants  sprang  forward  with  bags 
and  began  to  fill  the  openings  with  choice  carvings  of  raw 
flesh  and  live  pigs,  frogs  and  toads.  Here  was  the  visual 
typification  of  their  belief  that  live  things  must  be  eaten 
alive  to  transfer  the  principle  of  life  to  the  eater.  They 
also  swallowed  many  animals  whole  to  avoil  impairment 
of  the  life  principle  in  its  passage  from  the  original  owner 
to  them.  The  size  of  the  life  thus  swallowed  was  a  pon- 
derous item  of  their  dietetics,  whence  they  were  all  too 
often  choked  in  the  sturdy  effort  to  force  down  souls  too 
wide  for  their  gullets.  In  the  nick  of  their  odious  dis- 
courtesy a  voice  which  might  have  emanated  from  the 
entrails  of  the  mammoths  began  to  speak  and  I  perceived 
the  lips  of  the  counsellor  in  motion,  who  replied  without 
looking  up  from  his  feet  in  these  words: 

"We  consent  to  be  pleased  by  your  celestial  ofTer,  we 
even  deign  to  flatter  Your  Godliness  with  a  reply:  never- 
theless we  must  decline.    Where  could  we  find  the  institu- 


l6§  THE   HORROBOOS 

tion  of  sleep  so  enterically  established  as  here?  Where 
else  are  grateful  multitudes  candidly  deprived  of  these 
bounteous  carloads  of  food  which  no  one  eats?  In  what 
clime  is  commerce  so  fearfully  appreciated  and  humanity 
so  divinely  depreciated?  God  knows,  nowhere.  We  have 
free  libraries  and  free  lead:  free  books  for  the  empty 
brain  and  free  bullets  for  the  empty  body.  Politely  pardon 
us  therefore  if  we  say  that  your  offer  of  heaven  is  a  little 
stale.  This  is  heaven.  Do  you  realize  the  pleasure  of 
being  shot?  Learn  it,  for  you  will  not  then  boast  idly  to 
us  of  the  dazzling  advantages  of  public  lectures  in  foreign 
lands :  we  have  blessings  which  ye  know  not  of  and  we 
prefer  to  disseminate  them  at  home.  Mankind  here  has 
long  since  left  the  zenith  of  perfection  below.  Our  fat 
is  the  symbol  of  equal  privilege — all  are  equally  entitled 
to  look  at  it.  None  are  debarred  from  becoming  like  us; 
we  have  solved  the  social  troubles  of  mankind  by  delight- 
ful variety  of  stimulating  social  grades  upon  a  ground- 
work of  indestructible  equality  of  fancy.  Besides  we  have 
equality  of  dreams.  Think  of  it !  Every  man  is  freely 
permitted  to  dream  what  he  pleases !  Who  could  ever  do 
that  before?  All  are  equal  to  us  except  in  appearance  and 
reality;  all  own  equal  property  with  us  save  in  the  faint 
details  of  feathers  and  food,  our  only  values  here,  which 
we,  the  worthy  fat  parasites,  retain  exclusively  for  the 
general  good." 

The  slick  fellow  said  much  more  in  the  same  strain, 
ghbly  and  unctuously  as  if  he  had  it  by  heart,  never  look- 
ing away  from  his  toes.  I  turned  to  the  Emperor  for 
explanation. 

"It  is  the  fat  gentleman  speaking  through  the  tongue  of 
his  Counsellor,"  said  His  Majesty.  "Thinking  on  politically 
dangerous  and  heterodox  subjects,  by  which  I  mean  those 
foreign  to  the  monopoly  of  food,  was  many  thousand  years 
ago  found  to  be  incompatible  with  the  accumulation  of  fat; 


I  MEET  THE  FAT  169 

to  relieve  our  fat  prophets  of  this  delay  in  their  mission 
by  lifting  the  drag  of  thinking  from  their  intestinal  vitality, 
the  cleverest  brains  of  the  tribe  were  selected  and  set 
apart  for  their  use.  These  Counsellors  are  not  separate 
entities  or  individuals  as  you  might  suspect  from  the  cir- 
cumstance of  their  living  in  separate  bodies,  they  are  a  sec- 
tion of  the  fat  drones  divided  off  by  moral  fission  as  a 
physical  annex  for  the  deposition  of  the  fatmen's  brains. 
You  notice  they  speak  in  the  first  person,  they  recognize 
themselves  as  the  mental  essence  of  the  parent  stock.  It 
is  a  beautiful  case  of  division  of  labor,  transferred  func- 
tion, absolute  identity  of  one  person  in  two  bodies,  a  mys- 
terious compound  problem  of  chemical  psychology,  our 
famous  unsolved  surprise  of  spirit  oneness  with  spatial 
twoness." 

"But  haven't  the  fat  gentry  something  to  say  for  them- 
selves?" I  persisted. 

"They  have  given  over  learning  to  talk.  It  is  a  great 
and  wasting  exertion,  contumelious  to  fatness,  in  which 
they  do  not  need  to  engage  since  everything  even  to  think- 
ing and  talking  is  better  done  for  them  by  experts;  it 
nourishes  friction  in  the  brain  and  its  utility  for  personages 
of  high  birth  and  large  estate  is  problematical ;  enough  to 
say  it  takes  off  flesh." 

I  was  studying  the  physignomy  of  the  curved  varlet. 
He  looked  his  part  wonderfully,  you  were  sure  he  was 
somebody  beside  himself :  a  shadowy  furtive  clairvoyant 
face,  wild  wavering  legal  eye,  hair  long,  lank,  straight 
and  tousled,  for  all  the  world  an  international  statue  of 
Forensic  Solemnity.  From  appearances  he  might  have 
been  a  police  judge,  a  county  shyster,  or  a  Supreme  Justice 
of  the  nation.  On  my  making  a  tour  of  inspection  around 
his  eager  slimness  some  unexpected  traits  of  his  character 
disclosed  themselves ;  as  I  turned  his  various  corners  new 
individuals   seemed   abruptly  to   stand    forth   in   his   nude 


I70  THE   HORROBOOS 

essence:  in  spite  of  his  courageous  ail-but  nakedness,  I 
was  at  one  instant  morally  certain  that  I  saw  a  French- 
man, after  the  next  curve  in  my  path  it  was  a  German, 
then  an  Englishman,  later  a  Russian,  and  the  last  of  his 
facets  was  indisputably  Yankee.  In  deep  bewilderment 
I  traced  my  course  around  him  a  second  time  only  to  dis- 
cover the  same  unprecedented  reflections  produced  in  the 
same  order.  While  I  stood  mopping  by  brow  and  battling 
with  the  gurgling  billows  of  my  amazement,  the  complex 
object  began  to  speak  again,  droning  his  words  out  down- 
ward and  dolefully;  my  traveling  proposition  was  still  on 
his  mind: 

"To  leave  our  country  would  be  cruelly  unjust  to  our 
countrymen,  for  fat  is  a  dropsical  hindrance  to  those  who 
must  work,  and  now,  as  it  has  pleased  God  that  all  but 
ourselves  shall  ceaselessly  work,  how  great  would  their 
burden  of  suffering  be  if  above  the  weight  of  their  toil 
they  were  constrained  to  carry  that  of  fat  also !  We  came 
to  their  rescue  and  divided  the  labor:  we  carry  the  fat 
and  they  the  toil,  we  dedicate  and  surrender  our  bodies 
a  sleeping  sacrifice  to  bear  the  cross  of  all  the  people's  fat 
and  rescue  the  workers  from  the  desperate  weight  of  that 
curse.  We  are  somewhat  assisted  in  carrying  this  fat  by 
those  who  carry  us,  but  you  must  remember  that  their 
exertion  is  noble,  since  like  us  they  support  fat,  and  their 
effort  in  doing  it  is  not  to  be  compared  with  ours,  for 
while  they  sustain  the  same  quantity  of  fat  that  we  do, 
there  are  fifty  of  them  to  uphold  upon  these  poles  the 
burden  which  only  two  of  us  are  obliged  to  maintain  upon 
our  bones.  We  also  redeem  the  tribe  from  the  toilsome  strain 
of  eating  food  by  eating  it  for  them ;  we  deliver  them  from 
the  dangers  to  life  incident  to  taking  foreign  substances 
into  the  system  through  the  mouth,  which  exceed  the  infi- 
nite. We  give  our  inner  substance  to  the  conjugal  teeth 
of  microbes  to  preserve  our  countrymen  from  their  inju- 
dicious lacerations.     We  cannot  abandon  our  country." 


I   MEET   THE   FAT 


171 


I  availed  to  hold  my  sides  together  and  keep  my  latent 
explosions  limited  to  facial  athletics  and  wrinkled  roars, 
and  eventually  straightened  myself  to  inquire  from  whence 
he  derived  his  thoughts. 

"I  never  rest  from  recognizing  that  I  am  His  Worship," 
he  answered,  pointing  to  the  drooping  tun  of  avoirdupois ; 
"I  have  no  self  and  therefore  no  mind  of  my  own,  for  I 
could  not  store  it  in  this  borrowed  body ;  my  thoughts  come 
to  me  out  of  that  vast  thinker's  fat  brain,  which  is  my  super- 
liminal  mind." 

The  Emperor  came  again  to  relieve  my  perplexity.  "They 
all  look  like  this  one  and  you  never  could  guess  how  it  is 
done.  When  they  are  very  young  and  before  it  has  grown 
to  much  size,  so  that  the  operation  is  safe,  we  take  their 
wills  out  through  a  slight  incision  in  the  skull.  The  bone 
heals  and  all  appears  as  before.  The  thinking  power 
remains  intact,  in  truth  is  strangely  facilitated  and  aug- 
mented in  its  growth  by  concentration  of  all  cerebral  nutri- 
ment in  itself  with  no  food  waste  on  volition ;  bereft  of 
voluntary  force  they  readily  accept  all  ideas  that  come 
from  authority,  and  being  taught  from  infancy  that  they 
are  the  personality  of  the  fat  men  they  believe  it  with 
inexpugnable  conviction  ;  and  they  grow  marvelously  clever 
and  cunning,  but  all  for  the  benefit  of  the  fat,  whom, 
regarding  as  themselves,  they  worship  with  violent  infatu- 
ation. It  is  absolute  selfishness  unconsciously  turned  to 
absolutely  altruistic  uses :  they  serve  the  State  in  the  per- 
sons of  the  Fat,  while  imagining  that  it  is  solely  themselves 
they  are  exalting." 

I  questioned  him  if  they  had  no  other  function. 

"Yes,  numerous  ones :  they  amuse  us  with  songs  of 
their  invention  praising  the  Gluttons  and  their  wisdom ; 
they  contrive  long  harangues  for  delivery  in  public  places 
showing  the  matchless  worth  of  our  Horroboo  breed  above 
the  rest  of  created  creatures,  which,  they  derisively  avouch. 


1/2 


THE    HORROBOOS 


are  foaled,  not  born;  whenever  a  citizen  grows  discon- 
tented during  a  famine  occasioned  by  the  fat  men's  feel- 
ings they  prove  from  the  language  of  the  bark  of  trees, 
legible  to  none  but  them,  that  it  is  the  will  of  the  Great 
Spirit  to  have  a  period  of  popular  starvation ;  they  are 
the  instructors  of  the  young  in  what  pertains  to  a  useful 
life — that  is,  in  the  mythology  of  lost  Ethiopian  tribes  and 
the  supposed  shape  of  their  larynx  in  the  pronunciation 
of  words,  with  photographs  of  the  impressions  they  left 
on  the  air,  the  language  of  Adam  as  reconstructed  from 
the  beats  of  a  perfect  man's  heart  after  death,  the  places 
sat  upon  by  extinct  thinkers,  whether  prophets  were  first 
made  of  smoke  or  sorrow,  the  bearing  of  fingernails  on 
the  roots  of  trees,  the  moral  character  of  the  departed  as 
shown  by  the  longitudinal  texture  of  their  disappointed 
bones,  the  obligation  of  obedience  to  the  grandparents  of 
our  first  grandparents  in  all  untried  emergencies  to  come, 
to  save  the  mind  from  wearing  out,  the  universal  history 
of  feathers,  ditto  of  fat,  ditto  of  vacuums,  a  study  of  the 
life  of  Griffelak  I.  to  form  the  morals  of  the  young,  the 
location  on  the  first  goose  of  the  feathers  transmitted  to 
the  present  first  families  as  they  lie  on  these  litters,  dic- 
tated from  the  memory  of  a  band  of  young  rememberers 
trained  to  recall  the  past  by  looking  eighteen  hours  a  day 
into  graves,  a  microscopic  analysis  of  the  dried  skins  of 
first  families  for  emulation,  the  mystery  of  the  qualities 
of  fatness,  the  holiness  of  the  undiscovered,  the  heavenly 
beauty  of  earthly  ugliness  and  vice  versa,  the  relation  of 
entrails  to  eternity,  and  a  number  of  other  pithecoid  prob- 
lems upon  which  our  public  school  system  turns  its  glassy 
eye." 


THE  FOOD  INCLOSURES  173 

CHAPTER  XXVIII 

The  Food  Inclosures 

It  was  now  declining  toward  the  cool  of  the  afternoon 
and  we  took  our  way  to  the  food  inclosures.  They  were 
in  a  circle  of  the  city  set  apart  for  them,  quite  central,  so 
that  at  all  times  but  especially  during  famines  the  people 
might  have  the  quantities  of  collected  and  forbidden  food 
under  their  eyes.  They  were  thus  disciplined  to  self- 
control,  a  sense  of  the  awful  nearness  of  death,  and  respect 
for  the  awfuler  rights  of  property.  The  decaying  nutri- 
ment would  send  its  fumes  far  and  wide,  proving  to  each 
slowly  dying  abstainer  the  beauty  and  holiness  of  firmly 
starving  in  an  ocean  of  food. 

About  these  inclosures  ethics  abounded.  Every  man 
cared  more  for  his  principles  than  for  his  constitution ; 
here  all  lived  for  the  pure  idea  in  opposition  to  the  sordid- 
ness  of  nutrition ;  food  was  despised  and  dreaded  as  mate- 
rial ;  a  righteous  skeleton  was  more  honored  than  a  heart 
corrupted  by  lusting  after  bread  and  milk;  their  pious 
precept  was  that  God  had  special  heavenly  mansions  for 
such  skeletons ;  they  held  it  evil  to  preserve  life  against 
the  sound  religion  of  submission  to  law ;  faith  in  God  was 
medically  declared  to  be  more  physically  strengthening  (for 
the  poor)  than  beefsteak,  and  cheaper;  if  any  food  besides 
Faith  in  God  was  needed  by  the  poor,  a  potato  was  recom- 
mended ;  might  for  the  first  time  politely  groveled  to  right 
before  grinding  it  to  atoms.  Who  among  these  skyward- 
starving  saints  would  care  to  hang  paving-stones  to  his 
soul  by  snatching  a  knob  of  flesh  from  legal  and  orderly 
decay  to  increase  the  tears  of  his  life?  Who  would  steal 
a  criminal  bone  in  the  presence  of  the  frowning  God  in 
the  Fat?  Who  would  jeopardize  his  religious  notions  and 
ethical  foundations  and  practical  rules  and  principal  corol- 


174 


THE    HORROBOOS 


laries,  for  nothing  but  vile  happiness  on  a  mean  globule 
of  transitory  matter  spinning  forever  through  an  idle  void? 
No  true  Horroboo  would  stoop  so  low ;  the  teaching  of 
his  Sunday  School  had  saved  him  from  that ;  Eternity  was 
always  present  in  their  eyes,  tho  nothing  was  present  in 
their  stomachs.  It  was  a  Horroboo  proverb  that  when  a 
man  was  very  hungry  he  had  eaten  God,  which  made  hun- 
ger the  essence  of  their  worship.  The  Fat  had  composed 
this  proverb,  but  they  had  never  eaten  God. 

The  inclosures  were  formed  by  a  low  fencework  of 
interwoven  brush  reaching  about  to  the  neck  of  an  average 
man  but  transparent  to  small  women  and  children  through 
the  interstices ;  over  the  meshed  gate  of  each  was  the 
owner's  name  in  fancy  lithograph ;  and  their  size  varied 
according  to  the  number  of  goose  feathers  the  owner's  first 
ancestor  had  been  entitled  to  wear.  The  amount  of  food 
the  nabob  could  own  and  rot  increased  directly  with  the 
size  of  his  title  to  these  goose  feathers. 

Despite  my  respect  for  the  ethical  verities  I  could  not 
help  exclaiming.  "If  this  is  where  the  unused  carcasses 
are  thrown  I  should  think  the  famished  people  would  jump 
in  and  snatch  them." 

"Not  for  this  world  and  a  handsome  load  of  interest- 
bearing  bonds  on  heaven !  They  would  feel  themselves 
dishonored  forever  and  foresee  their  dead  souls  moaning 
through  infinite  spacelessness  clad  in  a  rancid  pall.  What- 
ever may  be  their  outward  appearance  as  to  cleanliness  and 
intellect,  our  people  are  developed  to  a  very  delicate  alti- 
tude morally;  they  are  like  reverent  lobsters  in  a  boiling 
kettle  with  the  lid  of  conscience  on — under  that  lid  they 
are  well  contented  to  stew  or  fry,  asking  no  reasons  for 
the  heat  consuming  them  if  they  can  see  that  reassuring 
cover  through  the  steam.  Three  deaths  a  day  to  each  of 
them,  spiced  with  torture  and  vivisection,  could  not  goad 
them  to  pluck  a  bone  through  these  hallowed  twigs." 


THE  FOOD  INCLOSURES  175 

I  summed  the  matter  up  to  His  Horroboo  Highness  as 
I  thus  far  understood  it  and  asked  him  if  I  was  right. 
I  said:  "These  fleshy  persons,  Their  Royal  Fatnesses,  are 
in  possession  of  the  entire  sustenance  of  the  tribe,  to  give 
or  withhold  as  they  feel  moved ;  they  cause  measureless 
quantities  of  food  to  be  wasted,  of  which  their  fellow  tribes- 
men are  in  perishing  need,  with  no  cause  but  the  chance 
occasional  turbulence  of  their  comatose  corpulency;  and 
they  are  not  only  useless  and  most  of  the  time  asleep,  being 
nothing  but  a  great  sewer  upon  society  carrying  everything 
good  off.  to  ruin  and  waste  and  leaving  depletion  and 
wretchedness  worse  than  ten  battle-fields,  but  they  are 
utterly  powerless  both  in  mind  and  body  to  protect  and 
enforce  their  spurious  fantastical  claims :  and  yet  your 
mighty  nation  of  fifty  thousand  quasi  souls  sufl:'ers  and  sub- 
mits to  them ;  and  to  crest  all,  or  rather  to  load  all  with 
unimaginable  infamy,  these  hundred  bladders  of  senseless 
grease  are  not  human,  for  the  normal  faculties  and  sym- 
pathies of  men  are  dead  in  them,  having  been  absorbed 
and  transmuted  into  eating  and  fat ;  and  finally  though  they 
are  a  colossal  deception  openly  and  visibly,  and  so  decayed 
and  imbecile  that  they  cannot  support  the  fraud  by  any 
thought  or  act  of  their  own,  others,  these  spineless  coun- 
sellors and  slaves,  are  employed  to  carry  on  the  shameless 
hoax  for  them,  and  the  people  revel  in  the  murderous  lie 
which  they  inflict  upon  themselves.  It  is  as  if  the  nation 
revered  a  hundred  moribund  sheep  or  swine  and  appointed 
them  to  be  owners  of  their  food  sources  and  the  gods  of 
their  life." 

"You  learn  like  a  god  yourself,  and  testify  your  immacu- 
late descension,"  Milto  and  Griffelak  simultaneously  roared. 

"Thank  you,  I  deserve  no  credit;  for  the  moment  I  felt 
myself  back  in  civilization  attending  a  directors'  meeting, 
and  I  think  I  was  dreaming  when  I  spoke;  if  you  have 
any  other  equally  progressive  institutions  to  show  off  let 
us  see  them  at  once." 


176  THE   HORROBOOS 

"After  coffee,"  they  said,  "we  have  afternoon  coffee 
now.' 

In  a  cheerful  spot  with  ripe  bananas  hanging  over  our 
heads  and  brihiant  flowers  garnishing  the  lawns  of  shaven 
grass,  with  brooklets  rippling  musically  past  our  feet  and 
shady  dells  inviting  the  listener  with  divine  notes  of  native 
birds  concealed  in  their  airy  aisles,  we  drank  the  steaming 
Hquid  which  sable  servants  brought  in  a  shining  samovar. 
The  cups  were  of  the  usual  size  and  carved  from  ivory, 
the  sugar  was  as  sweet  as  any  I  have  tasted,  and  the  wine 
jelly  proudly  transfused  a  most  ancient  suggestion.  We 
also  smoked,  for  by  this  time  I  had  circulated  the  cosy 
habit,  tilting  our  chairs  against  the  trees  companionably, 
while  exchanging  a  few  white  and  black  anecdotes  in  a 
conversational  tone.  The  mocha  thawed  the  vitals  of  Grif- 
felak  and  under  its  genial  effluence  he  reached  beneath 
the  table  and  drew  out  a  bottle.  We  clicked  our  ivories 
and  drank.  It  was  ambrosia,  for  no  liquor  in  civilization 
compares  with  it,  I  imbibed  sparingly,  as  interviewing  two 
kings,  and  had  no  intention  of  spoiling  a  choice  bit  of  news 
through  drunkenness. 

"Is  this  a  popular  drink?"  I  inquired.  "If  so  I  could 
readily  enthrall  myself  among  your  lower  classes !  it  is  a 
heavenly  beverage  in  which  I  have  already  counted  numer- 
ous godlike  flavors." 

"We  do  not  waste  this  on  the  common  trash,"  replied 
my  royal  friend. 

At  this  moment  the  fat  men's  procession  filed  somberly 
across  the  noble  esplanade,  visible  through  the  spaces  of  the 
trees.  Every  soul  of  them  had  the  neck  of  a  skin  bag  in 
his  mouth  which  he  was  sucking  with  great  fury,  about 
two  gallons  in  size. 

"This  is  their  drinking  time,"  commented  Griffelak,  tap- 
ping his  bottle :  "the  same,  ambrosia  do  you  call  it  ?  nepenthe 
in  our  syntax;  they  drink  two  gallons  each  at  this  hour 


THE  FOOE)  INCLOSURES  177 

and  four  at  bed-time  to  drown  their  sorrow  for  the  poor 
starving  people  whose  woe  gnaws  them  to  the  quick  with 
a  bitter  muriatic,  anguish.  They  suffer  sorely  because  it 
is  against  the  laws  of  the  Cosmos  buried  in  their  abdomens 
to  give  the  sufferers  food,  whence  they  keep  themselves 
in  a  state  of  intoxication  day  and  night  to  be  unconscious 
of  the  misery  they  are  compelled  by  the  Order  and  Avarice 
of  the  Universe  to  inflict." 

"What  do  the  popular  dregs  drink?"  I  queried,  thinking 
I  might  learn  something  for  the  cause  of  temperance  at 
home. 

He  drew  on  a  long  face  and  spoke  as  it  were  from  a 
new-made  grave.  "Ah,  Sir,  this  is  the  whole  trouble  with 
the  populace  class — they  drink.  God  save  me  from  speak- 
ing ill  of  my  countrymen,  but  they  are  addicted  to  their 
cups:  they  have  a  spirit  composed  of  ninety-nine  parts 
rain-water  and  one  sulphuric  acid  with  which  they  ravish 
their  vitals  weekly ;  it  keeps  them  poor ;  it  is  manufactured 
by  command  of  the  fat  men  and  sold  to  the  people  at  a 
prodigious  profit,  one  per  cent,  of  which  is  given  to  free 
lectures  on  astronomy.  Were  it  not  for  these  astronomical 
lectures  the  traffic  might  be  abolished,  for  none  are  more 
opposed  to  this  damning  drink  habit  in  the  masses  than 
the  fat,  but  what  would  the  common  people  know  about 
the  stars  if  this  free  learning  were  interdicted  by  the  aboli- 
tion of  inebriousness  ?  The  Fat  also  give  a  thousandth  of 
one  per  cent  of  their  drink  profit  to  support  addresses  on 
the  evils  of  intemperance  and  if  the  manufacture  of  liquor 
and  drinking  were  stopped  these  discourses  would  have  to 
collapse  for  want  of  funds,  our  war  against  the  sin  of 
drink  would  then  have  to  cease,  the  consumption  of  intoxi- 
cants would  multiply  ten  times  and  the  working  people 
would  be  lying  dead  drunk  in  one  spirituous  heap  the  year 
long.  The  Fat  Absolutes  often  earnestly  expostulate  with 
them,  through  the  medium  of  their  delegated  brains,  upon 


lyS  THE   HORROBOOS 

the  wickedness  of  drinking  up  their  substance,  and  it  is 
fortunate  for  them  that  they  have  not  as  much  food  as 
they  have  drink  for  they  would  be  as  great  gkittons  as  they 
are  tipplers  and  sots  if  they  could.  Gluttony  as  opposed 
to  the  genius  and  piety  of  our  nation  is  much  spoken  against 
by  the  Counsellors  under  command  of  their  broad-bellied 
patrons.  The  Gorgers  have  a  series  of  annual  frowns 
which  they  exhibit  at  evening  meetings  in  the  fall  to  dis- 
suade the  people  from  giving  a  loose  rein  to  their  carnal 
appetites. 

"Now,"  concluded  Griffelak,  with  the  supersolid  infinite- 
ness  of  a  university  philosophy-doctor  in  his  maimer,  "I 
have  proved  by  the  foregoing  chain  of  arguments  that  the 
unbridled  lust  for  liquor  which  throbs  like  a  cruel  demon 
in  the  alcoholic  marrow  of  our  rabble  is  the  cause  of  their 
dreadful  indigence  and  ruin.  If  it  v/asn't  for  the  profit  that 
we  make  on  the  liquor,  drunkenness  would  end.  We  pray 
for  this  continually,  the  fat  and  I,  and  are  careful  to  see 
that  our  prayers  are  not  answered.  Should  this  transpire 
tiie  fat  would  give  them  as  much  less  food  as  they  now 
spend  for  drink,  which  would  keep  the  same  profit  in  the 
corpulent  coffers  without  wandering  out  to  the  people  and 
back — but  there  would  be  less  business  activity  and  fewer 
lost  souls  to  establish  the  prophesied  frailty  of  human 
nature.  We  have  to  guard  that  frailty  with  great  scruple 
to  protect  the  credit  of  the  prophets.  The  tendency  to 
gluttony  from  which  the  Ilorroboo  herd  now  suffer  uncon- 
sciously, their  stomachs  and  morals  being  much  broken 
down  by  it  without  their  knowledge,  would  be  corrected 
by  the  shrinkage  of  their  affluence,  however,  and  the  food 
of  the  many  now  squandered  on  drink  could  be  saved  by 
the  fat  men  to  invest  in  their  inclosures." 


PILLARS    OF   HORROBOO    STATE  179 

CHAPTER  XXIX 
Pillars  of  the  Horroboo  State 

This  eloquent  view  of  the  temperance  question  being  new 
to  me  I  hazarded  no  comment  and  we  walked  arm  in  arm 
to  the  locality  of  another  leading  Horroboo  institution. 
It  was  one  of  the  grand  metropolitan  circles,  whither  I 
perceived  from  a  distance  that  we  had  been  preceded  by 
the  first  citizens.  Here  and  there  were  corpses  in  various 
grades  of  decomposition  by  whose  sides  lay  stretched  out 
the  fat  dotards  on  the  customary  support  of  their  backs. 
The  stench  was  the  familiar  mephitic  one  of  decayed 
humanity,  but  of  titan  texture;  J  refused  to  go  further 
when  I  saw  the  odorous  cause  and  examined  the  deadly 
position  with  my  field  glasses. 

"In  heaven's  name,  what  does  this  portend?"  gasped  I 
through  my  handkerchief. 

"These  bodies  are  the  spoils  and  perils  of  our  last  war," 
gurgled  Griffelak,  inhaling  a  luxurious  breath.  "Of  course 
like  all  other  nourishment  they  belong  to  the  well-bellied 
proprietors.  After  the  possession  of  a  feather  and  the 
inflated  stomach  the  highest  dignity  is  to  possess  a  body 
killed  in  battle.  The  Fatmen  do  not  wish  to  eat  them, 
for  the  honor  of  owning  what  others  have  not  would  then 
vanish,  so  they  convene  here  every  afternoon  and  occupy 
the  remains  until  the  softening  carrion  has  evaporated 
entirely  away.  The  distinction  of  owning  these  cadavers 
is  twofold :  human  flesh  of  foreigners  is  the  prime  delicacy 
of  all  seasons  to  the  tribal  palate,  all  long  with  florid  but 
restrained  savage  propriety  to  feel  a  morsel  of  this  cloy- 
ing nutriment  between  their  molars,  which  the  Fat  deny 
themselves  and  forbid  to  others  with  an  elegant  sense  of 
patrician  exclusiveness ;  it  is  also  considered  an  act  of  fine 
prowess  to  kill  an  enemy,  which  the  fat  alone  are  worthy 


l8o  THE    HORROBOOS 

to  perform  (albeit  quite  unable  to  do  so),  and  the  theory 
is  that  the  fat  men  are  the  doughty  slayers  of  all  the  bodies 
that  are  brought  in  from  battle,  altho  they  always  take  to 
their  beds  and  remain  there  with  their  heads  under  cover 
counting  their  feathers  while  the  others  sally  forth  to  fight. 
Pictures  are  painted  of  the  fat  giants  fiercely  seated  on 
snorting  elephants  with  flames  of  fire  darting  from  their 
eyes,  and  killing  thousands  of  their  enemies  with  a  blast- 
ing look,  and  the  rustic  hinds  of  the  tribe  who  have  done 
all  the  fighting  there  was,  abase  themselves  before  these 
glorious  photographs,  worshiping  the  bravery  of  their  supe- 
riors' pictures  and  hopelessly  praying  that  they  may  some- 
time themselves  become  valorous. 

"Sitting  thus  on  decomposing  flesh  causes  fevers  and 
sudden  deaths  among  the  fat  veterans,  but  they  murmur 
not  at  the  blows  of  destiny  if  they  can  maintain  the  honor 
of  their  position  by  the  sacrifice  of  their  lives,  especially 
as  their  mental  powers  are  insuflficient  to  associate  sick- 
ness and  rot  together.  Besides,  to  see  their  tribesmen 
feasting  on  these  dainty  corpses  would  engender  greater 
mortality  among  them." 

"Disgusting!"  said  I  in  English,  and  the  two  potentates 
thought  I  was  praising  them  in  celestial  and  clapped  their 
hands. 

"By  breeding  the  fat  together  patiently,"  confided  Grif- 
felak,  "we  hope  to  get  a  species  four  times  larger.  It  will 
be  an  unprecedented  consolation.  The  fatter  you  are  the 
more  room  you  have  for  fat  if  you  always  put  it  on  the 
outside.  We  are  a  pretty  proud  nation  now,  for  we  invented 
this  idea  of  the  repeated  combination  of  great  personali- 
ties until  everything  great  is  under  one  head,  but  if  our 
personal  geniuses  should  swell  two  or  three  times  in  extent, 
the  small  people  would  go  to  pieces  with  their  arrogant 
haughtiness  at  having  reared  up  such  hitherto  unattainable 
splendors," 


PILLARS   OF   HORROBOO   STATE  igj 

Milto,  however,  had  grown  sober  and  stern  hstening  to 
his  friend's  account  of  things  and  he  now  spoke:  "If  we 
had  those  bloated  beasts  in  our  habitation  we  should  eat 
them  in  short  space  and  get  them  out  of  the  way  to  have 
our  own  food  without  their  pampered  pretension  to  inter- 
ference." 

Griffelak   shrunk  into  half  of   himself   with  groans   of 
mortal  terror.     "Hush!!"  he  simpered.     "If  a  Horroboo 
should  hear  such  baleful  words  the  liberties  of  the  people 
and  my  ancient  throne  would  be  smashed!    If  that  heinous 
sentiment  pierced  through  the  mailed  prejudice  of  a  single 
mind  here  it  would  be  fatal  to  every  precious  thing  that 
exists  under  the  smiling  bloodstained  shackles  of  my  gov- 
ernment !    Let  them  once  imbibe  the  fallacy  that  they  could 
eat  these  hideous  whales — which  in  secret  I  confess  they 
are — and  they  would  do  it  in  defiance  of  our  lying  Seventy- 
Thousand- Year-Old-Book,  the  teachings  of  Counsellors,  or 
the  clubs  of  my  Brain-Breakers, — and  logic,  religion,  high- 
feeding  and  faith  would  die  out  of  the  world;  we  should 
become  a  prey  to  devils  and  general  nourishment;  Hades, 
pandemonium  and  happiness  would  possess  the  earth;  the 
sin  of  general  justice  would  foam  over  the  planet!     No! 
We  keep  up  the  embalmed  edifice  of  society  by  a  balance 
of  powers :  the  fat  are  balanced  on  the  backs  of  the  people 
that  carry  them,  these  are  balanced  on  the  necks  of  the 
people  that   feed   them  both,   and   I   and  the   Counsellors 
balance  this  whole  three-storied  human  cathedral  by  dis- 
tributing ourselves  around  its  side  walls  and  seizing  on  to 
anything  we  can  get  for  support.     The  fatmen  thus  sus- 
tain me  and  teach  the  people  below  by  the  immense  weight 
of  their  prestige  that  I  am  their  indispensable  protector; 
if  I  said  this  alone,  unbuttressed  by  a  vast  capital  of  fat, 
the  people  would  regard  it  as  a  self-interested  statement 
and  throw  me  off.    I  respond  by  treating  the  Gluttons  with 
all  the  reverend  punctilio  of  a  clerk  and  assuring  the  people 


l82  THE   HORROBOOS 

that  the  entire  fabric  of  popular  happiness  stands  on  feath- 
ers and  fat,  tho  of  course  I  know  that  these  corpulent 
beasts  have  been  absolute  fools  these  ten  thousand  years. 
Still,  they  are  the  prop  of  my  throne,  my  very  existence 
as  an  Emperor  depends  on  their  wink,  and  I  can't  give 
them  up.  The  counsellors,  being  easily  shuffled  and  moved 
about  and  elastically  fitting  into  any  hole,  preserve  the 
equilibrium  of  the  balance.  Of  course  these  demented 
tumors  take  themselves  seriously,  so  far  as  a  ray  of  con- 
sciousness ever  penetrates  their  putrid  bulks,  but  those 
shrewd  fellows  the  counsellors,  although  wanting  in  the 
power  or  desire  to  interfere,  and  fancying  themselves  with 
one  lobe  of  the  brain  identical  with  their  masters'  brains, 
see  through  it  all  with  the  other  lobe :  they  know  what  a 
fraud  I  am  and  what  a  stupendous  fable  these  shapeless 
oil  tanks  are,  but  they  are  wedded  to  their  position  as  one 
of  fame  and  honor,  altho  it  is  the  most  infamously  servile 
one  in  the  state.  The  expurgation  of  their  wills  in  child- 
hood deprived  them  of  the  force  to  realize  a  condition  of 
servility  and  they  are  never  so  flattered  as  when  a  fat  man 
slaps  them.  They  then  jump  about  him  like  a  pet  fawn 
and  kiss  him  wherever  they  can  and  the  more  rapidly  the 
blows  fall  about  their  ears  the  more  thickly  they  slaver  on 
the  kisses." 

"I  should  like  to  be  taught  that  process  of  will  chirur- 
gery,"  I  interrupted,  "for  I  rank  it  from  your  account  as 
the  best  spiritual  anaesthetic ;  it  would  relieve  servants 
high  and  low,  as  well  as  indigent  educated  gentlemen  with 
mind  who  live  by  professing  character,  from  all  sensitive- 
ness to  humiliation ;  there  are  countries  where  it  would  be 
an  untold  blessing  and  a  due  ballast  on  the  antics  of  aspira- 
tion. It  would  save  our  professors  and  clergymen  from 
some  mysterious  mortifications.  It  seems  to  be  the  com- 
plete welding  of  thought  and  dollar  to  which  all  fine  forces 
of  civilization  tend,  yet  have  not  absolutely  attained." 


PILLARS    OF   HORROBOO    STATE  183 

"You  shall  be  taught  the  art,"  rejoined  Griffelak  gra- 
ciously. "It  effects  the  euthanasia  of  the  moral  nature  in 
its  germ,  leaving  the  mind  a  highly  sharpened  thinking 
machine  devoid  of  moral  impulse  or  perception." 

"Capital!"  I  observed;  "it  is  the  very  discovery  the 
learned  world  has  been  seeking  these  many  centuries,  and 
to  think  it  should  have  been  dormant  here  in  these  musty 
wilds  for  twelve  thousand  yawning  years !" 

"As  I  was  saying,"  Griffelak  resumed,  "the  coimsellors 
do  their  share  of  keeping  up  our  splendid  system  because 
they  derive  huge  enjoyment  from  walking  curved  over 
beneath  their  masters,  and  because  they  secretly  imagine 
that  the  whole  fabric  of  state  rests  on  them,  from  the  power 
of  their  eloquence  to  keep  the  people  in  the  slavish  path. 
Their  crooked  spines  are  to  them  a  badge  of  the  mighty 
affairs  of  the  community  which  they  carry.  They  are  quite 
contented  with  these  austere  rewards  and  ask  nothing 
more.  Their  food  is  the  skins  and  claws  of  the  ani- 
mals which  the  fat  men  eat,  plentiful  such  as  they  are, 
but  a  little  dry.  When  a  fat  patron  dies  his  Counsellor 
is  respectfully  burned  alive  to  accentuate  the  identity;  also 
because  he  may  need  his  brains  in  the  next  world.  The 
Counsellors  live  in  a  circle  by  themselves,  indulging  no 
intercourse  with  the  hunter  caste,  whom  they  consider  dogs 
because  their  spines  are  not  curved.  If  you  observe  you 
will  notice  that  they  never  lift  their  eyes  from  their  own 
feet,  for  which  they  feel  an  electric  veneration  compounded 
of  esthetics  and  religion;  none  of  them  has  ever  seen  the 
sky,  it  would  be  an  infallible  pollution,  expiable  only  by 
twelve  days  of  diet  on  unseasoned  hair.  The  last  of  their 
kind  who  ventured  to  look  at  the  sky  became  blind  with 
horror  at  the  evil  possibilities  that  he  saw  in  it.  This  was 
three  thousand  years  ago.  They  are  now  providentially 
aided  in  resisting  the  temptation  to  look  upward  by  the 
lost  use  of  the  muscles  that  revolve  and  raise  the  head, 


l84  THE   HORROBOOS 

which  have  atrophied  in  such  a  degree  that  if  one  of  them 
designed  to  catch  a  ghmpse  of  the  heavenly  vault  he  would 
be  obliged  to  lie  upon  the  bend  of  his  neck  and  shoulders 
with  his  feet  elevated  against  a  wall." 

Just  then  a  common  Horroboo  passed  with  a  feather 
about  an  inch  long  fastened)  to  his  loin-cloth  and  the  upper 
part  of  him  confined  in  a  species  of  cage  which  brought 
the  higher  links  of  his  neckbone  and  his  head  into  the  rain- 
bow shape  of  the  counsellors  and  held  them  there  fast. 

"What  does  this  mean  ?''  I  queried  nervously ;  "I  thought 
feather-wearing  was  now  limited  to  the  abdominous  giants ; 
is  this  strange  object  getting  up  a  revolution?" 

"He  is  a  dangerous  character,"  answered  GrifTelak.  "He 
is  a  common  food-digger  who  has  somehow  acquired  the 
power  to  think.  This  renders  him  foully  pernicious  to 
the  commonwealth  since  his  back  is  neither  bent  fixed  nor 
his  will  extracted.  He  might  communicate  his  thoughts 
to  others  and  topple  the  empire  down.  To  avert  this  crisis 
we  bribe  him  in  the  delicate  manner  that  you  see.  He  is 
honored  with  the  privilege  of  wearing  a  pin-feather  one 
hour  a  fortnight,  and  is  put  in  training  for  the  proud  posi- 
tion of  Counsellor  by  that  cage,  which  is  training  his  head 
down  to  the  right  angle.  The  counsellors  are  also  teach- 
ing him  to  read  the  bark  of  trees,  which  must  always  be 
done  in  a  closed  space  under  ground,  for  otherwise  the 
language  refuses  to  appear." 

"Have  you  lamps?" 

He  scratched  his  head,  and  I  defined  lamps. 

"Oh,  no,  light  would  dim  the  meaning,  it  has  to  be  done 
in  the  dark." 

"Poor  wretch!  doesn't  he  suffer  in  that  brutal  cage?" 

"Horribly,  but  he  is  happy.  He  can  never  be  a  coun- 
sellor himself  because  he  still  has  a  will,  but  that  is  to  be 
taken  out  of  his  children,  who,  if  they  inherit  his  thinking 
genius,  will  be  full-fledged  counsellors,  if  not  they  will 


PILLARS    OF   HORROBOO   STATE  185 

hungrily  hunt.  He  has  to  associate  with  the  common  flesh- 
catchers  all  his  life,  but  they  stand  in  painful  awe  of  him 
by  reason  of  his  cage  and  feather,  and  on  his  part  he  con- 
siders them  a  community  of  worms,  he  speaks  to  them  only 
when  he  must,  in  terms  of  insolent  hate,  he  bitterly  re- 
proaches them  for  polluting  the  sphere  with  their  existence 
tho  he  was  yesterday  one  of  them  in  all  points  and  is  to-day 
no  better,  but  worse  in  undergoing  a  thousand  tortures  to 
accomplish  the  mutilation  of  his  children.  He  proudly 
bears  his  griefs  and  sores,  chewing  the  sour  cud  of  expec- 
tation that  his  children  will  be  found  worthy  to  become 
spiritual  eunuchs.  And  he  never  tells  the  people  his 
thoughts.  By  cage  and  feather  and  pride  he  is  converted 
into  a  sepulcher  of  the  light  of  his  soul ;  being  a  thinker 
he  was  divinely  intended  to  lead  his  brethren  out  of  bond- 
age, but  a  cruel  cage  and  a  pin-feather  badge  purchase  and 
persuade  his  mind  and  quell  his  manly  stirrings  eternally. 
This  nobly  simple  arrangement  has  preserved  the  State 
from  overthrow  unnumbered  times. 

"Man  is  governed  by  invisible  soapbubbles ;  we  did  not 
know  that  formerly  and  resorted  to  force,  which  kindled 
his  wrath :  we  were  in  jeopardy  and  invented  the  inscrut- 
able soapbubble ;  ocean  froth  does  excellently  well  only  it 
is  too  real,  being  impregnated  with  salt;  uncompressed 
steam,  if  it  has  vanished,  does  the  work,  or  a  man's  breath 
if  it  is  ten  centuries  old ;  the  imprint  of  a  faded  memory 
is  cogent,  not  less  so  the  smoke  of  the  first  fire  ever  kindled ; 
other  powers  being  absent  the  collected  friction  of  the  orig- 
inal star-dust  answers,  or  even  the  dreams  of  Eve  before 
she  was  removed  from  Adam ;  I  have  known  the  sentiment 
that  evaporated  from  a  drop  of  rain  that  never  fell  to  light 
up  destructive  emotion  in  a  mob;  you  can  keep  men  from 
taking  what  is  theirs  by  daily  doses  of  the  colors  of  pre- 
historic rainbows ;  another  infallible  remedy  is  porous  emp- 
tiness buried  in  the  center  of  the  earth  in  the  surviving 


l86  THE    HORROBOOS 

pods  of  languages  that  were  never  spoken,  inhaled  at  one 
o'clock  nightly  through  a  long  tube.  With  all  these  agencies 
at  command  to  carry  on  government  and  keep  the  poor 
people  loyal  to  canned  dreams  we  seldom  call  in  the  whip- 
ping post  or  harpoon." 

"It  can't  be  that  all  who  stumble  on  the  ability  to  think 
will  perjure  and  sell  themselves  for  these  full- feigned  frip- 
peries !"  I  declared ;  "you  must  have  some  occult  method 
of  heading  off  potent  inflammations  and  insurrections." 

The  swarthy  monarchs  twinkled  their  protuberant  eyes 
at  each  other  luminously.  "Let  us  tell  him,"  said  Milto, 
and  the  Horroboo  proceeded  as  follows : 

"Now  and  then  a  hunter  learns  to  think  who  will  not 
sell  himself  to  us.  He  nurses  in  solemn  wrath  his  criminal 
purpose  to  speak  the  unmangled  truth  to  his  compeers. 
He  resists  the  gallant  feather  and  syren  cage,  the  bubbles, 
rainbows  and  departed  smell  of  precosmic  smoke,  and  goes 
about  uttering  vainglorious  calumnies  against  visceral  dig- 
nitaries and  my  just  rule.  We  prefer  not  to  make  a  public 
example  of  these  misguided  rebels  against  the  harmonious 
perfection  of  our  social  miracle,  and  thus  to  nail  them  into 
the  arching  blue  of  martyrdom  and  advertise  their  mis- 
creant social  creed  and  murderous  names.  Their  well- 
known  self-centered  motive  in  posing  as  friends  of  men 
is  a  sordid  desire  for  notoriety ;  as  one  of  our  Counsellors 
has  said  in  a  faculty  meeting:  'They  crave  notoriety  at 
any  cost,  for  some  men  prefer  to  be  prominent  on  the  wrong 
side  of  any  given  issue,  rather  than  to  be  unrecognized 
on  the  right,'  of  whom  in  general  we  may  specify  one 
Socrates  and  another  Jesus,  notorious  characters  in  their 
day  who  did  not  belong  to  our  tribe,  and  who  have  been 
too  freely  advertised  considering  how  they  were  disposed 
of  by  their  contemporaries;  the  less  said  about  them  the 
better,  and  the  former  was  allowed  to  live  too  long  before 
they  brought  his  notoriety  to  the  hemlock: — they  should 


Pillars  of  horroboo  state  ig; 

have  kept  the  latter  aHve  reforming  Jerusalem  in  connec- 
tion with  practical  philanthropists,  to  emasculate  his  enthu- 
siasm, if  they  had  wished  to  throttle  his  heresy;  let  others 
heed  and  take  warning  and  reflect  on  the  untimely  con- 
sequences of  unpopularity.  'Martyrdom  perpetuates  per- 
nicious creeds,'  says  an  ex-hangman  living  in  retirement. 

"We  therefore  incubate  a  war  in  our  communal  coops 
to  extirpate  the  heretics  and  calm  the  frenzies.  There  has 
been  a  perpetual  dual  alliance  for  this  purpose  between 
King  Milto's  ancestors  and  mine  against  our  subjects 
through  misty  generations  back,  only  known  to  the  dead 
and  ourselves.  If  one  of  us  has  trouble  with  domestic 
afifairs  he  telephones  the  other  to  begin  a  war  on  his  out- 
skirts and  makes  the  welkin  ring  with  the  iniquity  of  the 
invading  Rinyo  or  Ourselves,  our  domestic  complaints  are 
snufifed  out  by  inarticulate  alien  rage,  our  pestilent  thinkers 
turn  their  thoughts  to  the  extinction  of  foreigners,  which 
is  the  only  state-recognized  object  of  thinking  at  all  times ; 
prophets,  philosophers  and  saints  on  each  side  of  the  bloody 
dividing  ditch  have  now  no  thought  above  the  hallowed 
carnage  of  their  opponent  vermin  (also  saints,  philoso- 
phers and  prophets  at  home),  pulpit  doors  are  nailed  up 
and  laboratories  cease  from  sighing,  college  presidents  beat 
their  pens  into  bullets  and  their  brains  into  syndicate 
shares,  all  send  the  common  people  forth  to  battle  for  the 
Lord,  and  thirst  to  have  their  neighbors  die  bravely  to 
leave  a  glorious  reputation  and  some  property,  we  put  the 
fat  men  to  bed,  the  dangerous  thinkers  in  the  front  rank 
and  the  generals  in  the  rear,  Milto  and  I  retire  to  distant 
elevations  behind  our  troops  respectively  to  direct  opera- 
tions :  at  the  end  of  the  battle,  which  we  craftily  convert 
into  a  draw  to  preserve  the  balance  of  power  as  natural 
friends  and  allies  must,  we  find  our  nations  purged  of  the 
bloody  villains  who  threatened  government,  gluttons  and 
culture  with  thought,  and  we  return  to  our  homes  with 


l88  THE   ttORROBOOS 

neither  heretics  nor  their  incendiary  doctrines  to  mar  our 
repose  or  stimulate  our  subjects'  appetites.  And  I  can 
assure  you  that  this  is  a  better  way  of  wiping  out  schisms 
than  your  ecclesiastical  autos-da-fe,  for  the  schismatics 
here  wipe  themselves  out  to  the  bray  of  horns  and  think 
they  are  saving  their  country." 

I  felt  that  we  had  done  a  large  day's  work  and  retired 
to  rest  on  the  imperial  couch  between  my  regal  comrades 
full  of  gratitude  that  I  had  discovered  many  things  which 
were  needful  for  the  further  progress  of  civilization. 


CHAPTER    XXX 

HoRROBOO  Religion 

We  took  the  remaining  sights  of  the  town  more  leisurely. 
There  was  a  circle  where  religion  was  kept  but  it  was 
not  to  be  seen.  Griffelak  related  that  the  tribe,  having 
been  formerly  harassed  with  it  daily  and  finding  it  a  waste- 
ful exercise  of  the  knees,  brought  it  hither  for  deposit  at 
high  usury  to  be  collected  in  the  next  world.  Their  theol- 
ogy, if  not  profound  and  poetical  like  ours,  at  least  deserves 
the  respect  of  civilization  for  its  simplicity  and  ingenuity. 
I.  Man  is  finite  in  all  but  one  attribute,  they  say,  which 
is  his  weakness:  he  is  infinitely  weak.  2.  The  world  is 
infinitely  bad.  3.  Infinite  weakness  cannot  wrestle  with 
infinite  badness.  4.  Only  God,  who  is  infinitely  strong, 
can  do  so.  5.  Therefore  man  may  as  well  sit  down  and 
have  a  good  time  and  let  God  wrestle.  6.  The  reward 
of  sitting  down  and  having  a  good  time  here  will  be  heaven, 
for  God  is  most  honored  by  our  recognizing  his  infinite 
power  and  letting  him  show  it,  and  those  who  honor  him 
in  this  way  will  receive  the  highest  heavenly  pay  for  their 
right  attitude. 


HORROBOO    RELIGION  189 

This  religion  by  its  natural  strength  had  vanquished  a 
number  of  rivals,  wor  the  smiles  of  the  state,  and  conquered 
for  itself  a  high  place  in  men's  hearts,  and  it  had  been 
lodged  on  a  platform  elevated  far  up  a  vast  perpendicular, 
capping  four  pillars  composed  of  countless  shaven  trees 
spiced  one  above  the  other  with  thongs,  commodiously 
situated  in  the  enclosure;  where,  being  placed  as  near  the 
sky  as  could  be  reached  in  tha.t  climate  and  with  their  simple 
architecture,  it  did  not  conflict  at  all  with  the  genuine 
affairs  of  life.  Before  the  good  time  given  by  plank  Five 
of  their  Religious  Confession  had  extended  much,  it  was 
voted  by  the  nation  that  the  principle  of  Division  of  Pleas- 
ure should  be  applied  to  it,  as  otherwise  the  world  might 
not  continue  as  bad  as  the  perfect  religion  required  it  to 
be,  when,  after  much  urging,  the  fat  consented  to  enjoy 
all  the  pleasure  in  order  to  deliver  the  rest  from  its  gross 
earthly  embarrassments. 

It  is  generally  believed  by  these  pious  Horroboos  that 
men  may  become  spirits  while  they  live,  in  room  of  waiting 
to  be  so  when  they  are  dead;  or  if  not  invisible  spirits  at 
least  visible  ones,  which  is  the  religious  vindication — or 
shall  I  rather  say  holy  cause — of  the  Gourmands'  depriv- 
ing the  community  of  nearly  all  nutriment.  By  starving 
the  common  people  they  bring  them  as  near  the  blessed 
condition  of  beatified  spirits  as  is  attainable  in  this  mun- 
dane stage  of  pain.  Science  and  religion  are  diverted  with 
this  experiment,  in  which  the  semi-spirit  people  themselves 
even  take  some  interest;  it  is  the  bridge  of  sighs  whereon 
religion  and  science  fraternize.  A  workingman  without 
a  body  and  capable  of  equal  work  with  those  in  the  flesh 
is  the  thing  sought,  to  prove  the  immortality  of  the  soul 
and  reduce  wages.  He  will  need  to  eat  nothing  and  can 
shovel  with  his  spirit  in  lieu  of  arms. 


I90  THE   HORROBOOS 

CHAPTER   XXXI 
The  National  Harem 

Then  there  was  the  harem  circle,  almost  oppressively 
interesting  on  account  of  the  exalted  sentiment  toward 
women  which  forbade  the  recognition  of  their  sex.  There 
were  some  foolish  errors  of  nature  difficult  to  reconcile 
with  the  sublime  spirituality  of  the  Horroboo  race,  but 
these  errors  were  industriously  ignored  by  the  population 
until  the  twenty-fifth  year  of  each  babe,  after  the  wise 
manner  of  civilized  countries.  Up  till  that  time  the  national 
system  of  education  courageously  affirmed  the  identity  of 
the  sexes  in  everything.  Before  that  age  the  erroneous 
existence  of  sex  was  not  mentioned  to  children.  Prior  to 
that  time,  however,  a  system  of  instruction  was  allowed 
in  secret  by  a  set  of  licensed  teachers  called  Libertines, 
who  roved  at  large  through  society  spreading  vice  and 
disease,  and  it  was  generally  believed  that  some  progress 
in  understanding  was  made,  tho  this  was  never  known  for 
the  parents  and  grandparents  and  official  teachers  were 
restrained  by  modesty  from  inquiring. 

At  twenty-five,  while  the  heads  of  all  were  averted  and 
their  brows  were  furrowed  with  terrible  censure,  the  chil- 
dren were  formally  invited  to  make  known  what  pseudo- 
love  diseases  they  had  contracted  up  to  that  date,  or  what 
injuries  they  had  unwittingly  done  themselves  on  account 
of  the  deathlike  silence  on  these  matters  maintained  by 
all  who  were  tenderly  interested  in  their  welfare.  Follow- 
ing their  disclosures  the  collected  tribe  sat  down  in  the 
gloomiest  posture,  as  if  they  were  in  the  lower  exit  of 
purgatory,  and  all  picked  up  handfuls  of  dirt  and  threw 
them  in  the  direction  of  the  culprits,  to  symbolize  the  loath- 
ing in  which  such  enormities  were  held  and  to  ingrain  the 
solemnity  of  the  warning.     The  emphasis  of  the  occasion 


THE   NATIONAL   HAREM 


191 


was  tremendous  from  the  fact  that  all  the  elders  had  suf- 
fered in  like  manner  from  the  same  neglect.  Then  the 
convocation  arose  and  most  of  the  men,  taking  their  sons 
by  the  hand,  proceeded  to  the  national  seraglio. 

For  ample  amends  were  made  for  these  rigorous  aus- 
terities by  the  Grand  Harem,  a  house  of  general  corrup- 
tion for  the  empire,  for  males  of  all  ages  from  childhood 
up.  Fathers  and  sons  met  each  other  in  this  Temple  of 
Eros  and  exchanged  confidential  greetings  and  winks,  with 
jokes  which  all  of  them  seemed  very  much  to  enjoy  about 
their  wives,  mothers,  sisters  and  sweethearts.  The  girls 
detailed  to  serve  in  the  institution  were  chosen  by  lot* 
and  were  given  the  choice  between  assuming  this  enlight- 
ened occupation  and  having  their  bodies  sawed  into  two 
parts  under  the  heart.  The  choosers  were  about  equally 
divided  in  their  affection  for  being  sawn  asunder  and  their 
consecration  to  public  duty,  and  the  government  signified 
its  displeasure  toward  those  who  elected  the  saw  by  placing 
a  tall  foolscap  on  their  heads  as  they  were  led  along  the 
boulevards  to  the  block. 

The  precious  tribal  modesty,  which  bloomed  outside  of 
the  harem  like  the  tropical  palm,  was  left  at  the  gates  of 
this  glorious  circle,  to  be  resumed  when  the  visitors 
emerged,  and  indeed  so  much  modesty  was  daily  consumed 
on  account  of  the  vast  amount  of  it  exercised  in  education 
and  conversation,  in  the  home  and  physiology  classes,  that 
there  was  none  left  to  be  used  in  private  anywhere. 

There  was  one  remarkable  and  unusual  class  of  men 
that  kept  entirely  aloof  from  women,  with  a  crabbed  tem- 
per of  mind  most  inhuman  toward  the  gentler  sex.     These 


•I  was  compelled  to  acknowledge  to  His  Highness  that  the  Horroboo 
method  of  selecting  their  prostitutes  is  eminently  more  fair  and  h  'mane 
than  the  Christian  usage  which  grants  a  monopoly  of  this  function 
almost  exclusively  to  the  daughters  of  the  laboring  classes,  and  selfishly 
endeavors  to  prohibit  the  young  women  of  other  ranlis  of  society  from 
sharing  Its  emoluments. 


192 


THE   HORROBOOS 


atrocious  males,  who  were  objects  of  rabid  persecution 
from  the  rest  of  the  tribe,  also  refused  to  be  fathers  of 
children,  because  they  said  the  children  could  only  make 
half-men  so  long  as  their  mothers  were  but  half-women. 
My  own  wrath  was  so  intense  toward  these  abhorrent 
creatures  that  I  hit  one  of  them  a  sharp  cut  with  my  stick 
as  he  passed  us,  to  show  him  how  civilization  felt  about  it. 
The  spotless  married  women  replied  to  the  slanderous 
action  of  these  misogamists  with  the  contemptuous  silence 
it  deserved,  and  spiced  their  contempt  by  remaining  unin- 
telligent and  undeveloped  with  the  sternest  fortitude. 

The  respectable  women  philosophically  recognized  the 
Harem  as  one  of  the  primal  and  necessary  National  insti- 
tutions, equally  divine  with  the  family  itself  and  the  basis 
of  its  preservation,  and  made  no  outcry  against  it,  blandly 
accepting  the  harem  diseases  which  their  husbands  pro- 
fusely brought  home  and  imparted  to  them,  as  a  destined 
dispensation  of  their  diseased  gods.  This  may  startle  you, 
as  it  did  me  until  I  came  to  understand  the  Horroboo  phil- 
osophy on  the  subject.  With  the  Horroboos  every  disease  is 
sacred,  and  what  is  more  wonderful  every  disease  has  its 
guardian  deity,  who  is  angry  if  a  disease  is  cured.  Their 
doctors  are  the  priests  of  these  gods  and  their  function  is 
to  preserve  the  diseases  from  extinction.  The  longer  they 
can  keep  a  man  sick,  the  more  the  grateful  wretch  pays 
them.  It  is  also  a  part  of  their  honored  priestly  code 
to  protect  the  citizens  from  a  knowledge  of  the  laws  of 
health,  which  not  only  pleases  the  diseased  gods  but  de- 
servedly enhances  the  revenues  of  the  priestly  doctors. 

I  was  astounded  at  the  information  that  every  one  of 
the  gods  who  was  the  patron  of  a  particular  disease  had 
that  malady  in  a  very  aggravated  form  himself,  and  that 
naturally  many  of  the  doctors  to  each  of  these  gods  were 
likewise  afflicted  with  the  appropriate  complaint.  It  was 
reasoned  that  without  having  a  disease  himself  a  doctor 


THE   national;  harem  193 

could  not  be  perfectly  competent  to  preserve  it  in  another 
man's  constitution.  I  noted  them  intently  and  could  not 
deny  that  the  physicians  were  faithfully  devoted  to  their 
calling  and  pursued  it  so  ably  that  no  disease  was  ever 
allowed  to  become  extinct,  and  for  their  devotion  to  the 
well-being  of  the  diseases  the  appreciative  people  made 
many  of  them  monstrously  rich. 

But  especial  credit  was  earned  and  received  by  those 
incomparable  lights  of  medicine  who  were  the  protectors 
of  harem  diseases.  Their  success  was  so  grand  that  nearly 
eighty  per  cent  of  the  males  of  the  empire  were  infected 
with  these  gay  plagues  at  some  time  in  their  lives,  only 
about  twenty  per  cent  of  the  population  entirely  missing 
their  happy  contamination.  The  indolent  doctors  who  were 
responsible  for  this  twenty  per  cent  were  bitingly  censured 
by  the  rest  of  the  medical  fraternity  and  were  drummed  out 
of  the  profession  for  violation  of  the  medical  code.  Of 
course  the  virtuous  women  benefitted  indirectly  by  this 
excellent  practice  of  the  physicians,  in  having  the  harem 
maladies  communicated  to  them  and  their  children  by  their 
husbands  at  home,  so  that  they  did  not  miss  the  advan- 
tages of  the  harem  plagues.  These  brilliant  achievements 
of  the  diseases  were  due  to  a  Horroboo  medical  law,  re- 
enacted  every  year  at  the  altars  of  the  Horroboo  Harem 
gods  by  the  anointed  harem  physicians,  that  the  existence 
of  the  harem  diseases  should  always  be  solemnly  denied 
by  the  doctors,  with  the  most  awful  oaths  to  confirm  the 
denial,  and  that  the  whole  stunning  array  of  jocund  deaths 
resulting  directly  or  indirectly  from  them  should  be  publicly 
ascribed  to  inscrutable  divine  love  with  thanks  to  God  for 
their  infliction. 

After  mastering  this  Horroboo  theology  of  disease,  altho 
criticising  it  at  some  points  by  the  blazing  light  of  our 
superior  Christian  practice,  I  seemed  to  realize  for  the 
first  time  the  divine  economy  of  diseases  and  why  we  have 
them.    The  prolific  idea  of  diseased  gods  dissipated  the  fogs. 


194  THE   HORROBOOS 

CHAPTER   XXXII 
Budding  Angels.    The  Beautiful  Empress 

"Here  is  a  circle,"  quoth  my  royal  guide,  "which  I  vow 
is  without  parallel  in  the  universe.  It  is  the  Pity  Circle. 
Contiguous  barbarians  may  outstrip  us  in  the  length  of 
their  feet  and  in  some  other  marvels  of  the  arts  and  sciences, 
but  we  claim  pre-eminence  in  this.  Here  in  this  acre  we 
sow  the  first  idealets  of  the  Infinite  in  the  minds  of  our 
young,  especially  of  our  Gourmands'  and  our  Sufferers' 
young.  On  Saturday  afternoon  once  a  month  the  most 
emaciated  children  are  collected  and  brought  hither  to  a 
matinee;  they  are  placed  in  a  shallow  pit  circumscribed 
by  a  rim  on  which  the  children  of  the  Fat  are  pleasantly 
perched :  the  lean  children  are  there  to  be  pitied,  the  fat 
ones  are  there  to  pity  them.  We  name  the  event  our 
School  of  Social  Pity.  The  true  relation  of  classes  is  taught 
in  this  school.  Here  the  fat  youths  learn  to  feel  themselves 
infinite,  and  the  lean  learn  to  look  up  to  them  as  so,  and 
on  themselves  as  infinitely  finite;  it  is  the  first  idea  they 
all  obtain  of  God.  The  fatlings  furnish  a  collation  of 
worms'  feet  and  tears  to  the  dear  little  shadows  in  the  pit, 
the  only  meal  of  their  skeleton  guests  during  the  month, 
owing  to  the  stern  decree  of  the  Fat  Fathers  that  the  food 
surplus  shall  not  be  touched.  The  Fathers  purpose  to 
keep  a  pitiable  class  in  tragically  deep  sorrow  by  the  action 
of  confirmed  emptiness,  in  order  to  exercise  their  offspring 
in  the  qualities  of  pity  and  mercy,  traits  that  would  prob- 
ably never  appear  in  them  at  all  if  these  most  wretched 
objects  of  their  attention  did  not  exist. 

"This  excellent  repast  of  worms'  feet  and  tears  is  like- 
wise another  of  those  manifold  agencies  for  saving  the 
State,  or  the  state  of  the  Fat,  by  awakening  early  in  the 
hungry  spirits  of  the  common  sufferers  a  deep  sense  of 


THE   BEAUTIFUL   EMPRESS  195 

gratitude  for  the  favor  shown  by  their  superiors.  Why, 
they  would  die  if  this  banquet  did  not  come  monthly  just 
when  it  does,  and  many  of  them  die  in  spite  of  it!" 

I  professed  regret  that  I  could  not  witness  one  of  these 
charitable  ceremonies,  so  fraught  with  healing  for  broken 
hearts  and  abandoned  digestions,  when  Griffelak  joyfully 
exclaimed  Whook!  Whook!  and  drew  a  paper  from  the 
cowskin  bag  at  his  girdle  and  handed  me  the  sheet :  it  was 
a  copy  of  the  Horroboo  Public  Defiler  containing  a  graphic 
idyl  of  the  last  meeting  of  the  Pity  Society;  I  perused  it 
and  begged  permission  to  keep  the  Defiler,  which  is  now 
among  my  dearest  souvenirs  of  Africa.     It  thus  read  : 

"Horroboo  Pity  Day.  Town  ablaze  with  mercy.  Gen- 
eral downpour  of  pathetic  tenderness.  Union  of  the  Four 
Hundred  with  the  Forty  Thousand,  Full  and  Empty,  with 
Kisses  thrown  down  from  above  by  the  Full.  A  mag- 
nificent collection  of  bones  unusually  visible.  Former  dis- 
plays surpassed.  Roses  and  Rags.  Unequal  distribution 
of  Fat.  No'  Socialism  at  this  dinner.  Pity  however  equal- 
izes happiness.  Many  tears  gratefully  received.  Price  of 
worms'  feet  forced  up  by  the  demand  and  the  market  skil- 
fully cornered  by  the  fat  babies ;  they  will  be  great  specu- 
lators when  they  grow  up.  Beautiful  ceremony  of  worship 
when  the  Emaciants  fall  on  their  knees  to  the  Fatlings  and 
promise  them  faithful  service  forever  in  return  for  Pity. 
Statue  of  Pity  as  a  fat  child  erected  in  Obesity  Park  and 
the  pitied  swear  allegiance  to  it.  Their  next  meal  one 
month  from  to-day.  Life-preserving  power  of  pity  between 
meals.     Prominent  Digestions  present  at  to-day's  feast." 

These  were  the  headings  in  quite  artistic  Horrobesque 
type,  followed  by  the  calmer  description: 

"The  givers  of  the  feast  were  appropriately  another 
400  children  of  the  well-to-do  classes,  who,  as  members  of 
the  Children's  League  of  Pity— surely  title  was  never  more 
appropriate— are  taking  in  early  life  an  interest  in  the  wel- 


196  THE   HORROBOOS 

fare  of  those  who  are  less  happily  placed  than  themselves. 
The  League  of  Pity  is,  of  course,  affiliated  to  the  National 
Society,  which  has  now  a  membership  of  nearly  all  the 
children  of  the  Fat.  Some  of  the  darlings  sturdily  refuse 
to  pity  and  prefer  to  stimulate  the  starving  with  pins.  The 
400  members  who  contributed  to  the  cost  of  yesterday's 
entertainment  included  the  children  of  the  Duchess  of 
Hooka-Porka,  the  Countess  of  Damnpeople,  the  Right-Hon. 
Lady  Skintenant,  the  Hon.  Lady  Drinkblood,  Lady  Cram- 
daddle,  Earl  Heartripper,  Lord  Stealall'er  and  the  Hon. 
A.  Grabworker, 

"  'While  the  guests  were  being  entertained  in  the  body  of 
the  King's  Hall,  the  juvenile  hosts  and  hostesses  surveyed 
the  fruit  of  their  good  work  from  the  galleries,  which  were 
as  well  filled  as  the  tables  at  which  the  feast  was  served.' 
One  of  the  sweetest  episodes  occurred  when  'the  guests 
heartily  responded  to  a  call  for  cheers  for  the  givers  of 
the  feast,  Miss  Toadwell  (the  secretary  of  the  league),  and 
the  Empress,  the  patron  of  the  society.' " 

"Curious,"  said  I,  "London  often  has  something  like  this 
too,  and  so  far  away  from  you !  How  could  they  have 
borrowed  the  idea?" 

Griffelak  bent  his  beetling  brows  upon  me  and  said :  "H 
our  system  of  perfect  equality  ever  fails,  the  union  of  all 
classes  accomplished  by  these  monthly  spreads  of  pity  is 
expected  to  cement  the  hearts  of  my  countrymen  to  me 
and  the  fragments  of  state  into  a  perduring  conglomera- 
tion. If  we  can  induce  the  fat  to  part  with  enough  prop- 
erty to  make  a  prize  we  shall  offer  one  to  the  best  pitier." 

"Old  Chap,"  I  said  banteringly,  "you  have  been  keeping 
some  very  delightful  institutions  in  the  background.  There 
is  Her  Majesty,  tke  Empress,  your  wife,  mentioned  by  this 
paper,  and  the  Nobility — where  are  they?" 

"My  Consort  you  shall  see,"  responded  his  Ebony  High- 
ness, "but  I  beg  you  will  not  insist  on  looking  into  the 


THE   BEAUTIFUL   EMPRESS  197 

nobility.  They  are  an  experiment,  just  in  the  early  graft. 
Merely  owning  and  eating  all  the  food  is  getting  to  be  an 
old  story  and  the  Gluttons  want  new  excitements  and  hon- 
ors, as  well  as  distinctions  among  themselves  upon  the 
basis  of  their  rank  in  flesh.  We  don't  know  yet  how  the 
population  will  stand  this.  They  are  well  contented  with 
the  fact  of  their  slavery  and  would  never  rebel  against 
that,  but  it  is  another  thing  to  make  a  public  memorandum 
of  it  and  to  acknowledge  the  fact  in  a  word :  the  institution 
of  nobility  is  all  right  so  long  as  it  isn't  called  so,  but  to 
make  it  up  into  a  phrase  and  inaugurate  that  phrase  into 
the  language  may  cause  a  revolution.  Humanity  is  an  odd 
snake,  and  you  have  to  be  careful  of  it.  We  are  getting 
psychologically  ready  by  printing  the  idea  daily  in  the 
papers  and  ridiculing  its  danger  or  novelty ;  we  suggestively 
post  the  word  'nobility'  on  every  public  billboard  to  reclus- 
ter  the  Horroboo  affections,  and  time  will  root  the  institu- 
tion in.     But  the  Empress  Queen  shall  be  summoned." 

Her  Highness,  whose  dazzling  beauty  in  the  Horroboo 
eye  had  been  the  cause  of  many  court  cabals  and  some 
scandals  not  wholly  favorable  to  the  longevity  of  certain 
highborn  subjects,  was  brought  forward  in  a  sedan  of 
peeled  sticks  carried  by  six  chained  Ethiopians.  She  was 
squat,  swart  and  must  pustulated,  nevertheless  with  a  dis- 
tinguished bearing,  no  other  indeed  than  six  royal  brothers, 
the  sons  of  a  noble  king  who  had  been  recently  caught  by 
a  great  Horroboo  commander  with  a  brotherly  letter  under 
a  flag  of  truce,  by  being  invited  to  dinner,  and  there  while 
drinking  a  bumper  of  amity  beheaded  from  behind.  In 
case  Griffelak  should  have  no  male  issue  it  had  been  gener- 
ally decided  that  this  illustriously  treacherous  commander 
should  ascend  the  throne  after  him,  to  encourage  the  war 
art  of  conquering  difficult  enemies  by  white  flags,  hospi- 
talities and  forgeries.  I  was  sorry  that  I  could  not  cable 
these  valuable  ideas  to  some  of  our  Philippine  generals, 
but  there  was  unfortunately  no  cable. 


198  THE    HORROBOOS 

Queen  Griffelak-Stackwaddle-Wigwaggy  took  no  interest 
in  anything  that  I  could  see,  further  than  to  manifest  a 
very  picturesque  contempt  for  the  Emperor,  and  delight 
in  the  plaintive  wails  of  a  little  Siamese  poodle  whose  ears 
she  returned  to  pulling  viciously  after  her  state  introduc- 
tion to  me.  Her  most  illustrious  lineament  was  the  noble 
construction  of  that  part  of  her  face  where  there  is  usually 
a  nose.  A  wide  forward-slanting  plane  obtained  in  that 
area,  causing  many  envious  Horroboo  ladies  of  the  peerage 
to  amputate  their  own  nasal  extensions.  I  learned  that 
she  was  famous  throughout  Africa  as  a  leader  of  charity, 
for  she  sent  a  load  of  straw  annually  to  the  horses  of  the 
poor. 

She  was  also  devoted  to  art,  being  patroness  of  that 
famed  Horroboo  school  of  artists  which  has  worked  out 
the  distinctive  field  of  death  agonies  with  so  much  glory. 
Her  own  gallery  includes  the  brilliant  collection  of  5,000 
pieces  representing  the  Lean  in  every  stage  of  death  for 
5,000  minutes  before  the  final  event,  and  as  these  are 
arranged  in  a  line,  the  lover  of  art  can,  by  slowly  walking 
from  one  end  to  the  other,  gain  a  most  vivid  and  pleasur- 
able impression  of  the  death-process,  with  the  effect  of  our 
moving  pictures  except  that  in  this  case  the  spectator 
moves,  whole  by  going  in  the  other  direction  he  obtains  a 
beautiful  realization  of  resurrection.  The  Empress  her- 
self dabbles  a  little  in  paints  and  is  quite  an  adept  in  catch- 
ing the  changing  expressions  of  starving  infants.  She  has 
in  fact  received  several  prizes  from  the  Horroboo  Academy 
for  her  work,  consisting  of  dead  babies'  eye-sockets — 
appropriately  those  of  the  very  babies  she  had  sketched  best- 


GLORIES  OF  HORROBOO  SCIENCE  199 

CHAPTER   XXXIIT 
The  Glories  of  Horroboo  Science 

After  my  many  amazements  in  this  wonderful  country 
and  feeling  supersaturated  with  advanced  light,  I  besought 
their  highnesses  to  change  the  program  of  the  fourth  day, 
when  it  had  been  designed  to  conduct  me  through  a  circle 
of  educational  institutions  presided  over  by  the  semicircu- 
lar counsellors,  on  the  plea  that  I  could  not  remember  half 
of  the  iridescent  novelties  I  had  already  imbibed,  tho 
secretly  convinced  that  in  matters  of  education  they  could 
not  be  one  whit  ahead  of  our  universities,  and  not  wish- 
ing to  load  myself  with  a  repetition  of  civilized  life,  sug- 
gesting in  place  of  a  dismal  day  with  the  pedagogues  a 
walk  into  the  argent  air  of  the  campagna,  for  the  smell  of 
the  war  carcasses  had  become  impregnably  fortressed  in 
the  whole  capital  and  I  feared  being  made  sick. 

"We  can  accommodate  you  very  well  with  the  country 
and  some  education  too,  as  this  is  the  Field  Day  of  the 
great  Gluttonian  University,  our  principal  institution;  the 
departments  go  out  into  the  hills  this  morning  to  conduct 
their  work," 

This  I  thought  would  be  something  new.  Each  class 
took  its  station  on  a  separate  hillock  and  began  affairs. 
The  geologists  were  counting  the  grains  of  sand  and  com- 
menced where  they  had  ended  on  their  last  visit ;  they  were 
to  ascertain  how  many  grains  there  were  in  Africa,  and 
after  that  in  the  rest  of  the  world.  The  botanists  were 
counting  the  blades  of  grass.  The  meteorologists  were 
counting  the  particles  of  fog  in  the  air.  The  chemists  and 
physicists  were  counting  the  atoms  of  the  universe.  The 
biologists  were  counting  the  hairs  and  cells  of  the  animals. 
Psychologists  were  taking  measured  note  of  each  other's 
snores,  their  multitude,  their  width,  their  cause,  and  Ihe 


20O  THE  HORROBOOS 

intervals  between.  Political  economists  were  enumerating 
the  bounties  of  the  living  Fat  Men  to  their  people,  and  his- 
torians were  numbering  the  blessings  past  which  had  been 
publicly  conferred  by  fat  patriots  now  dead.  There  were 
students  of  language,  beginning  rightly  with  the  grunt  of 
Griffelak  I.  as  the  primary  root  of  all  language,  and  closely 
engaged  in  counting  over  the  squeaks  and  sounds  uttered 
by  each  man  that  had  since  lived,  a  task  demanding  a  large 
and  delicate  ear  and  consummate  erudition  in  all  the  sci- 
ences and  languages,  branches  of  mathematics  and  astron- 
omy, higher  classes  being  already  devoted  to  sorting  over 
and  summing  up  the  number,  variety,  key,  circumstances 
of  utterance,  and  motions  of  the  aggregate  of  sounds  that 
had  emanated  from  the  inhabitants  of  the  stars.  Advanced 
mathematics  were  subsidiary  exercises  to  counting  the  lat- 
ter and  were  consequently  called  higher.  The  obscurities 
to  be  untangled  only  made  the  results  more  fruitful  when 
derived;  for  example,  it  had  to  be  ascertained  how  many 
men  had  lived,  before  the  sounds  they  had  made  could  be 
counted,  and  the  sounds  of  each  individual  then  cast  up 
separately.  As  fossils  here  came  into  play,  the  surface  of 
the  earth  several  miles  deep  as  well  as  of  the  stars  was 
to  be  dug  over  before  the  knowledge  of  languages  could 
be  called  complete. 

These  original  studies,  or  more  properly  original  count- 
ings, were  declared  to  be  the  components  of  a  compendi- 
ous total  embracement  of  all  being  called  philosophy,  which 
they  produced  in  this  manner;  human  sounds  are  the  ex- 
pression of  the  soul  of  man,  and  other  sounds  (produced 
by  nature)  express  the  soul  of  the  universe — therefore 
by  collecting  all  the  human  sounds  that  have  been  uttered, 
and  uniting  them  with  those  made  by  nature,  a  plenary 
comprehension  of  man's  soul  and  of  the  infinite  soul  is 
secured.  This  is  Philosophy.  And  thus  moreover  a  prac- 
tical guide  of  life  will  be  obtained  when  all  the  countings 


GLORIES  OF  HORROBOO  SCIENCE  201 

are  completely  finished  and  added,  being  derived  by  work- 
ing out  the  mathematical  effect  of  every  past  act  from  the 
count,  and  deducing  therefrom  the  effect  of  every  pro- 
posed act  before  deciding  to  perform  it.  This  is  Ethics. 
I  forgot  to  mention  that  the  medical  faculty  was  employed 
in  counting  the  microbes  of  infinite  being,  which  had  sug- 
gested to  a  new  sect  of  seekers  after  the  soul  to  count  the 
quantity  of  submicrobes  domiciled  in  a  microbe  with  the 
expectation  of  finding  the  pure  and  final  soul  element  in 
the  smallest  of  these. 

I  was  enormously  pleased  that  I  had  not  gone  away  and 
missed  their  higher  education  in  its  broad-girthed  ideality. 
"I  am  a  university  man,"  I  said  to  Griffelak,  "topped  off 
with  a  seminary.  My  university  was  Scarvard,  but  I  con- 
fess it  falls  a  little  short  of  yours  in  some  points.  Does 
this  sound  educational  system  of  counting  everything  lead 
ultimately — I  mean,  of  course,  in  the  indefinite  sometime, 
when  every  thing  shall  have  been  counted — to  anyone's 
improvement?  happiness?  good?  or  to  general  social  uplift- 
ing? or,  er,  such  like?" 

"To  the  fat  men's,"  he  answered,  "it  uplifts  them.  Edu- 
cation is  composed  of  unfathomable  mysteries.  It  is  not 
yet  but  may  sometime  come  to  be  the  main  pin  on  which 
society  hangs,  raised  high  by  it  above  the  turgid  pool  of 
self-contending  chaos.  It  is  with  us  a  fast-anchored  tradi- 
tion that  when  all  things  here,  hereafter  and  heretofore 
shall  have  been  duly  and  accurately  counted,  as  verified  by 
a  second  count  without  deviation  in  any  item  from  the  first, 
the  fat  will  be  evicted,  the  food  supply  opened  freely  to 
all,  the  specter  of  famine  banished,  and  happiness  will 
return  in  a  flood  of  undying  light.  To  fend  oft"  this  hideous 
apparition  of  looming  joy  is  the  problem  of  superior  edu- 
cation, of  universities,  of  semilunar  instructors.  The  coun- 
sellors, or  fat  men's  second  selves,  who  manage  the  depart- 
ments, collect  a  number  of  infinite  tasks,  many  of  them  as 


202  THE   HORROBOOS 

impossible  as  they  are  useless,  on  whose  completion  (never 
to  be)  attention  will  be  turned  with  the  great  (and  useless) 
information  derived,  to  the  improvement  of  popular  life, 
the  removal  of  suffering,  the  good  of  mankind,  the  joy 
of  the  individual.  With  that  ravishing  goal  in  view  all 
are  stimulated  to  work  ever  and  energetically  on  at  count- 
ing, that  labor  of  Sisyphus  and  Death,  in  perseverance 
wherein  there  is  no  escape  for  mankind  from  their  chains 
to  the  Fat.  As  you  may  conjecture,  the  Fat  have  endowed 
this  university  richly  and  guard  it  jealously,  spewing  all 
thoughtful  counters  out  of  it  gustily.  Not  only  is  counting 
an  occupation  not  of  the  excellent  parts  of  man's  mind, 
but  it  is  deadening  to  what  is  most  excellent  in  him,  reduc- 
ing his  finer  perceptions  to  insensibility,  so  that  he  cannot 
see  that  his  labors  are  carrying  him  away  from  the  goal  he 
thinks  he  is  approaching.  For  nine  thousand  years,  the  age 
of  the  university,  the  tribe,  particularly  its  young,  have 
been  counting  faithfully;  to  this  is  due  the  progress  and 
permanence  of  the  venerated  institutions  you  have  re- 
viewed, and  they  will  be  preserved  by  education  until  the 
world  shall  end  its  astral  blusterings  by  some  encounter 
with  a  wandering  astronomical  bully  more  monstrous." 
Thus  spoke  the  ripple-tongued  Horroboo,  son  of  many 
scholars. 

"And  no  counter  ever  sees  the  cheat  and  insanity  of 
counting!"  I  sighed.     "Mysterious!" 

"Well,  some  do,"  he  conceded.  "The  counting  of  the 
advanced  students  is  called  original  work;  the  lower  schol- 
ars learn  by  heart  what  these  creative  geniuses  count.  Once 
in  a  long  while  some  advanced  student  says:  'We  have 
now  counted  hard  and  enormously,  let  us  employ  the  results 
of  it  as  far  as  we  have  gone  to  the  condition  of  our  race 
and  bring  all  the  people  up  to  the  present  level  of  our 
numbering.'  'Oh,  no,'  says  the  Counsellor,  intoning,  'that 
would  not  do  at  all,  for  don't  you  know,  our  counting  may 


1  GLORIES  OF  HORROBOO  SCIENCE  203 

yet  be  found  to  be  wrong  in  some  respect,  so  that  if  we 
began  practical  improvement  now  we  should  have  to  go 
back  and  undo  it  all  by  and  by,  and  there  would  be  a 
bitter  disappointment  and  delay  in  reaching  perfection. 
No,  no,  let  us  stand  still  and  not  wiggle  or  wink  until  the 
whole  counting  is  done,  and  then  jump  straight  over  into 
the  ineffable.'  'But,'  says  the  student,  still  unconvinced, 
'what  is  to  recompense  these  generations  of  the  past  twelve 
thousand  years  and  those  of  the  twelve  million  years  to 
come  ?  Haven't  they  given  their  sorrow  gratuitously  ?  Can 
you  pay  one  generation  off  by  making  another  happy? 
Can  you  make  it  up  to  a  needlessly  miserable  one  by  the 
hypothetical  gayety  of  its  posterity?  With  that  bliss-bathed 
generation  only  to  arrive  twelve  million  years  later?  And 
when,  after  all,  the  most  ultimate  happiness  of  any  is  only 
a  pacifying  guess  of  yours?' 

"Now,  says  the  Counsellor,  you  land  on  the  impregnable 
rock  of  theology  as  well  as  on  the  smaller  stones  of  ethics, 
political  economy  and  applied  athletics.  Theology  rightly 
says  we  know  nothing  about  this  and  should  not  ask ;  such 
knowledge  belongs  exclusively  to  God,  and  it  is  the  highest 
godliness  for  us  to  live  on  the  spikes  of  a  guess;  very 
likely  God  enjoys  seeing  his  fellow  creatures  agonize,  it 
appears  so  from  looking  at  their  history ;  and  a  race  which 
cannot  subsist  on  a  mystery  twelve  million  years  is  not  fit 
to  live  and  suffer.  That  is  theology,  and  its  last  word  is 
Die  and  Hope — die  first  and  hope  afterwards.  Then  comes 
ethics  with  some  adhesiveness  for  those  who  didn't  stick 
on  the  surface  of  theology.  Says  ethics.  All  this  deadly 
human  agony  is  for  moral  discipline,  we  discipline  a  few 
million  generations  for  the  good  of  those  that  follow; 
don't  worry,  you  are  being  disciplined  and  that  will  be  the 
end  of  you,  but  in  twelve  million  years  or  so,  when  the 
disciplining  and  counting  are  done,  some  generations  will 
come  along  and  need  no  disciplining  because  the  counting 


204 


THE    HORROBOOS 


is  done — if  a  mistake  in  the  numbers  is  not  found,  and  then 
It  may  be  twenty-four  miUion  years,  but  what  are  a  dozen 
million  years  compared  with  accurate  counting?  So  says 
ethics,  and  catches  several  Horroboo  students  in  its  glue. 
Now  comes  politcal  economy  and  takes  a  shy  at  the  still 
unstuck.  Says  it :  Natural  law  settles  this,  natural  law 
made  man  unequal  intentionally,  ergo  it  is  only  intended 
that  the  Fat  shall  be  happy;  the  rest  of  you  miserable 
beggars  ought  to  be  very  much  obliged  to  your  Father 
which  is  in  Natural  Law  for  begetting  you  at  all  and  con- 
ferring the  curse  of  natural  woe  upon  you.  This  catches 
quite  a  number  more,  indeed  all  the  hardheaded  sound 
reasoners,  the  alabaster  wits  and  marble-brained  geniuses 
in  a  word,  who  all  stick  in  a  row  behind  the  theological 
and  ethical  rows.  Then  the  department  of  applied  athletics 
arrives  for  the  enlightenment  of  the  remnant,  and  cracks 
their  heads  in  two  with  bludgeons  and  swords,  and  that 
is  the  terminus  of  their  skepticism.  Thus  by  a  reasonable 
system  of  education  are  the  spooks  of  intelligence  expelled 
from  inquisitive  childhood  brains." 

As  I  stood  inscrutably  meditating  I  was  seized  on  either 
side  by  my  companions  and  hurried  across  a  3'awning  gulch 
up  a  perpendicular  brow  of  brush-bearded  nature  to  inter- 
cept an  approaching  cavalcade  in  a  path  between  two  sen- 
tinel rocks. 

"How  fortunate!"  cried  the  Emperor  gleefully,  "I 
had  forgotten  my  orders  to  the  Ministry  to  send  out  another 
civilizing  expedition  to-day." 

A  band  of  African  music  walked  with  radiant  tread  in 
front,  on  whose  heels  came  four  dervishes  with  a  copy  of 
The  All-Wisdom  Book  open  upon  an  oblong  platter  of  art- 
fully latticed  bolos ;  then  a  life-size  image  of  the  tribe's 
Supreme   Being,   represented   as   dead;*  then,  mirabile!   a 


•It  is.  as  I  havp  before  told  you,  the  singular  conceit  of  these  nations 
to  emblemize  all  their  pods  as  dead;  they  declared  they  felt  much  safer 
with  their  deities  in  this  condition,  that  since  they'  had  slaughtered 
their  Providences  they  had  been  much  better  waited   upon. 


GLORIES  OF  HORROBOO  SCIENCE 


205 


corpulent  monster  and  his  wife!  after  them  a  pair  of  cir- 
cumflex counsellors  bearing  tablets  with  the  results  of  the 
count  of  things  up  to  that  moment;  and  last,  all  clad  in 
priests'  toggery,  consisting  of  a  skin  bag  six  feet  long  by- 
eight  inches  in  diameter  flung  across  their  shoulders  and 
from  which  as  from  a  golf  case  I  could  see  spears  and 
other  affectionate  implements  of  holiness  protruding,  tho 
carefully  screened  from  less  observing  eyes  by  a  shroud  of 
gauze  prayers,  about  seven  thousand  men  whom  nobody 
would  ever  have  mistaken  to  be  anything  but  multimurder- 
ers  and  who  were  in  truth  the  convicts  of  the  tribe,  pur- 
posely bred  by  misuse  and  misery  to  their  profession  of 
liberating  souls  from  bodies,  for  militant  ends.  When  not 
piercing  the  bodies  of  the  lost  with  their  spears  they  per- 
form the  office  of  priest  to  the  fallen  and  pierce  their  hearts 
with  the  love  of  God.  They  all  threw  themselves  on  their 
heads  when  they  perceived  the  Emperor,  except  the  fat 
couple,  who  spit  upon  him,  and  the  Emperor  acknowledged 
the  salute  by  falling  on  his  head  to  the  pair  of  obese  Car- 
rion. 

"Here  is  another  spark  of  savagery  striding  forth  to 
burn  lovingly  in  the  blank  void  of  heathendom,"  mumbled 
the  monarch,  wiping  away  the  blood  which  his  ardent  inti- 
macy with  the  nettled  rock  had  lured  from  his  regnant 
front,  and  ejecting  some  gravel  from  his  eminent  lips. 

"Explain,  Dread  Monarch." 

"We  are  undertaking  to  spread  the  light  of  Fatness  over 
the  world ;  no  people  can  be  happy  without  its  hundred 
Gluttons;  we  cannot  spare  our  hundred  but  we  send  out 
two  of  them  to  some  adjacent  race  which  we  wish  to  bless, 
to  found  the  institution  and  breed  the  remainder  of  it. 
With  the  grace  of  heaven  we  shall  soon  lift  all  the  nursery 
peoples  to  our  plane.  We  are  obliged  to  contend  against 
many  prejudices,  but  these  are  mostly  contended  against 
by  our  priests,  who  convert  themselves  temporarily  into 


2o6  THE    HORROBOOS 

warriors,  for  which  their  previous  profession  of  convict 
has  finely  quaHfied  them,  take  their  spears  out  of  their 
sacred  sacks,  and  chastise  a  number  of  the  prejudiced 
natives  v^ith  death;  thereupon  the  fat  proclaim  their  pro- 
prietorship of  the  converted  nation's  food  and  build  an 
enclosure  for  its  storage  and  decay.  The  Gluttons  are 
great  unifiers  of  the  world;  wherever  they  go  my  rule 
accompanies  them ;  in  time  all  the  nations  of  Africa  will  be 
skipping  joyfully  into  the  spirit  land  under  their  reverend 
panoply." 


CHAPTER    XXXIV 

We  Stumble  upon  the  Fountain  of  Happiness 

As  we  sauntered  townward  we  encountered  a  thousand 
men  running  in  a  circle  about  a  personage  sitting  on  springs 
under  a  palmleaf  umbrella.  The  runners  carried  stone  clubs 
and  frequently  struck  at  imaginary  objects  as  they  ran. 
At  signals  from  the  umbrella-man  they  reversed  their 
course,  dodged,  jumped  over,  or  darted  between  the  legs 
of  one  another,  fell  upon  all  fours  and  ran  like  animals, 
skulked  and  crept  on  their  bellies  at  a  high  rate  of  speed, 
curved  themselves  into  a  hoop  about  their  clubs  as  an  axle, 
connecting  these  with  consummate  skill  into  a  long  straight 
line,  and  trundled  themselves  forward  with  astonishing 
velocity,  stretched  themselves  out  on  the  ground  in  rows 
and  rolled  in  parallel  lines  and  zigzags,  still  parallel,  and 
performed  I  cannot  remember  how  many  other  strange 
maneuvers,  most  of  them  parallel. 

The  umbrella  personage  had  scrambled  out  into  the  sun 
and  given  us  his  place,  I  waited  for  the  Emperor  to  speak, 
he  seemed  disinclined  and  looked  foolish,  I  finally  had  to 
start  him. 


WE  STUMBLE  UPON  HAPPINESS  207 

"There  is  nothing  to  be  ashamed  of  in  a  national  game." 

"It  is  the  Domestic  Guard,"  he  admitted  reluctantly. 

"That  is  queer.  I  thought  your  perfect  institutions  pre- 
served themselves — with  the  help  of  your  educators." 

"They  do,  but  we  have  to  have  an  institution  for  pre- 
serving the  institutions."  He  spoke  resentfully,  as  one 
caught  thieving.  "Perfect  outward  things  cannot  remove 
the  depravity  of  the  human  heart.  Neither  perfection  nor 
starvation  can  entirely  quell  irruptions." 

"You  keep  the  equilibrium  of  state  by  equality  and  a  just 
balance  of  clubs,  then ;  well,  tell  us  about  it,  even  Jove  had 
thunderbolts  and  Jahweh  military  angels,  all  Christian  civi- 
lization rests  on  the  bomb-shell." 

The  silvery  light  of  a  smile  glinted  through  his  scowl 
and  he  began. 

"All  our  hunters  and  carriers  have  to  take  their  turn  in 
the  militia,  we  have  a  thousand  in  service  at  a  time,  who 
serve  a  month  and  are  then  replaced  by  another  thousand. 
They  suppress  the  insurrections  of  their  fellow  hunters  and 
carriers  and  are  loyal  to  Flesh  and  Throne  as  long  as  they 
are  on  guard  duty ;  when  they  leave  it  they  generally  create 
an  insurrection  themselves,  which  is  suppressed  by  the 
next  monthly  guard,  composed  of  citizens  who  had  been 
suppressed  by  the  retiring  regiment  the  previous  term.  So 
it  goes  in  a  constant  rotation:  the  people  who  are  rebelling 
to-day  at  the  desperation  of  their  lot,  are  put  down  by  their 
companions  who  were  rebelling  for  the  same  cause  yester- 
day and  will  be  doing  so  again  tomorrow,  when  their  mili- 
tary service  expires.  But  the  outbreak  of  tomorrow  will 
be  quelled  by  some  of  their  friends  and  families  who  are 
rioting  to-day,  whose  turn  comes  next  to  do  the  military 
work." 

My  power  of  surprise  having  long  since  died,  I  closed 
my  mouth  and  turned  my  gaze  upon  the  objects  that  were 
preparing  themselves  for  usefulness  by  just  then  charging 


2o8  THE  HORROBOOS 

one  another  in  squads  of  fifty  and  laying  on  their  clubs 
where  they  could  with  something  more  than  perfunctory 
ceremony.  I  leaned  over  and  laid  my  hand  on  his  knee: 
"Grififelak,  in  the  name  of  universal  security  tell  me  how 
it  is  done." 

He  did  so.  "It  is  the  effect  of  a  word  and  a  stained  toe- 
nail. We  stain  the  little  toe-nails  of  the  military  blue  and 
green,  excepting  the  officers,  whose  big  toe-nails  receive 
the  colors.  It  lasts  just  a  month  and  then  disappears  sud- 
denly. While  they  have  on  this  magic  stain  they  are  vain, 
haughty,  overbearing  and  glad  of  the  orders  to  kill  others. 
Yet  we  have  found  that  their  loyalty  cannot  be  wholly 
trusted  without  the  assistance  of  some  magic  word:  patri- 
otically stimulated  only  by  the  toenail  colors  they  are  liable 
to  side  with  their  fathers,  sweethearts  and  brothers.  The 
mystic  word  is  ool,  tho  alone  it  is  too  strong  and  has  to 
be  diluted  with  other  sounds ;  it  has  no  meaning,  but  its 
potency  is  like  that  of  oxygen  for  life,  but  opposite.  It 
reduces  all  the  faculties  to  a  state  of  temporary  death,  ex- 
cept the  faculty  of  hate  and  the  desire  to  kill.  As  the  Home 
Guard  rush  against  the  members  of  their  families  and  their 
neighbors  to  quell  an  irruption,  they  shout  the  word  in 
mad  ecstacy,  feeling  themselves  fused  into  little  suns  of 
bravery. 

"At  one  time  we  gave  them  a  piece  of  colored  cloth  to 
carry  between  their  lips  suspended  by  a  tooth,  but  this 
was  frequently  lost  or  stolen.  At  the  beginning  of  each 
month  I  deliver  to  them  the  word  and  the  stone  clubs  with 
all  the  dreadful  seriousness  of  my  high  office,  deepened 
by  a  piercing  groan  from  the  official  groaners :  sometimes 
it  is  gool,  sometimes  mool,  pool,  rool,  dool,  fool,  or  in  more 
strenuous  times  when  starvation  is  more  suggestive  than 
usual  we  enlarge  it,  saying  begool,  bemool,  berool,  bedool, 
befool,  etc.  Our  reason  for  changing  it  is  that  loyalty  to 
a  single  expression  wears  out,  the  people  seem  to  grow 


WE  STUMBLE   ON   TO   HAPPINESS 


209 


ftired  of  killing  their  friends  from  the  same  motive,  and 
we  have  to  invent  a  new  sound  to  give  them  a  new  sanc- 
tion for  murder.  Yet  ool  must  ever  be  an  ingredient  or 
the  witchery  fails. 

"Often  in  their  struggle  for  freedom  and  food  the  people 
resist  this  fireside  military,  employing  two  modes  of  war- 
fare— ^they  endeavor  to  cut  off  the  colored  toenails  of  the 
soldiers  to  break  the  spell  upon  their  minds,  for  this  invari- 
ably follows  if  the  nail  is  amputated  or  the  color  rubbed 
out ;  the  militia  are  then  abruptly  able  to  see  things  as  they 
are  and  to  comprehend  that  they  belong  to  the  people  whom 
they  are  slaughtering,  in  spite  of  stained  toenails.  But  we 
circumvent  this  by  putting  a  metal  thimble  over  the  toe, 
perforated  so  that  the  colors  can  be  seen.  Of  late,  however, 
the  people  have  taken  to  amputating  thimble,  toe  and  all, 
while  the  militia  are  asleep,  and  we  may  be  obliged  to  case 
the  entire  foot  in  metal.  It  will  be  a  black  day  for  peace 
and  poverty  if  they  ever  get  to  lopping  off  both  military 
legs. 

"The  other  artifice  of  the  people  is  the  effort  to  deprive 
the  soldiery  of  the  power  to  utter  the  charmed  ool  word 
smoothly,  by  slitting  their  tongues,  which  sets  them  free 
from  its  mystery.  To  escape  from  this  strange  bondage 
to  ool,  the  nation,  with  the  exception  of  Me,  the  Gorgers, 
and  the  Counsellors,  is  conspiring  to  slit  every  tongue  in 
the  tribe  and  to  remove  the  toenails  of  the  children :  it  will 
make  no  difference  if  they  do,  we  shall  propose  some  new 
sound  of  loyalty  to  the  Gluttons  and  Ourself,  and  no  sooner 
will  a  thousand  receive  their  appointment,  badges  and  clubs, 
than  they  will  lose  their  ordinary  identity  and  fight  for  us 
until  we  give  a  new  lot  their  turn.  Thousands  of  coun- 
sellor philosophers  having  wasted  their  vitals  seeking  an 
explanation  of  this  humano-bovine  principle,  killed  many 
cattle  in  probing  for  it,  and  gone  insane  over  its  intricacies ; 
the  search  is  now  interdicted  for  the  preservation  of  the 
Horroboo  brain." 


2IO  THE   HORROBOOS 

"Destiny  and  all  the  mysteries  surely  fight  for  you  and 
the  hundred  Gourmands,"  I  said;  "which  proves  design 
and  Providence  in  things;  they  were  intended  to  be  just 
as  they  are,  and  as  they  are  is  best.  God  is  in  his  world. 
At  the  same  time  all  these  common  people  of  his  and  yours 
had  better  commit  suicide  and  get  out  of  it  and  leave  it  to 
Him  and  You." 

Griffelak  squirmed  and  answered  vehemently:  "Sire, 
Almighty  One" — through  the  force  of  my  personality  he 
had  at  length  succumbed  to  the  conviction  that  I  was  the 
Supreme  Being — "Sire,  don't  gird  at  a  fellow  King,  you 
know  the  Gluttons  and  We  are  only  secondary  in  this  miU- 
tary  affair,  the  Family  Guard  is  for  the  protection  of  the 
people  themselves,  their  homes,  to  protect  each  home  from 
the  other,  and  give  them  all  peace  through  continual  blood- 
shed. Without  peace  no  man  can  starve  in  quiet.  We 
recoil  from  disturbing  the  last  days  of  sufferers. 

"All  the  blessings  of  savagehood  are  contained  in  peace 
and  order,  which  we  find  can  be  best  inoculated  into  society 
by  a  daily  administration  of  Domestic  Serenity  clubs.  The 
most  peaceful  quality  of  our  peace  is  the  public  bloodshed 
to  preserve  it.  Just  imagine  the  state  of  society  if  these 
food  and  freedom  irruptions  were  not  sternly  trampled  out ! 
Not  a  fat  man  could  eat  in  peace  or  drink  in  plenty !  The 
wonderful  system  of  food-rotting  might  be  destroyed! 
Counting  might  be  abolished!  Dream-equality  overthrown! 
Industry  abrogated !  For  who  would  hunt  game  for  the 
enclosures  or  carry  the  corpulent  on  their  shoulders  if 
the  peaceful  strokes  of  the  military  clubs  languished?  It 
is  not  for  the  Fat  that  we  preserve  order  but  for  the  people 
under  the  fat,  that  the  fat  may  by  thriving  continue  to 
bless  them. 

"I  trust  you  now  see  that  the  Family  Guard  is  not  a 
bloodthirsty  whim  of  anybody's." 


WE   STUMBLE   ON   TO    HAPPINESS  21 1 

On  the  fifth  day  Milto,  incredibly  improved  in  health, 
and  I  with  a  high  relish  for  enlightened  savage  institu- 
tions, gathered  our  entourage  together  and  returned  home. 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

I  Prepare  to  Depart,  the  Richest  Man  in  the 
World.     My  Last  Miracle 

The  days  glided  fleetly  by,  box  after  box  of  presents 
from  Buzzrack  was  taken  from  the  ground,  gold  was  hourly 
added  to  gold;  not  long  would  it  be  before  I  should  have 
as  much  as  I  could  convey  to  the  sea  with  all  the  pack 
beasts  of  the  realm.  The  guides  that  had  brought  me  were 
not  due  until  the  end  of  the  year,  a  term  I  had  no  reason 
to  await;  altho  but  five  months  in  Africa  my  dizzy  yet 
well-earned  success  had  made  me  the  richest  man  in  the 
world,  the  richest  of  all  time,  in  sooth — provided  I 
managed  to  regain  civilization  unrobbed.  It  was  a  risk 
to  remain — who  could  tell  what  indecent  thing  might  over- 
take me  among  these  unbalanced  mystics? 

One  thought  tortured  my  reflections:  I  needed  the  as- 
sistance of  fifty  devoted  menials  for  working  my  caravan 
through  to  the  coast,  to  ward  off  the  emotions  of  impetuous 
fanatics  and  to  load  and  tend  my  cattle  on  the  long  jour- 
ney, stiff  work  for  a  goodly  company  of  able-bodied  mule- 
teers since  the  beasts  would  number  about  four  thousand. 
I  estimated  that  one  man  could  manage  and  conduct  eighty 
animals,  so  that  fifty  men  would  suffice  for  the  whole  out- 
fit. 

In  other  respects  my  plans  had  been  long  matured.  The 
fortunate  caravan  which  had  been  commissioned  by  heaven 
to  supply  my  needs  had  brought  along  a  great  mass  of 
leather-lined   sacks   and   box  material   sawed   into   appro- 


212  THE    HORROBOOS 

priate  lengths  and  accompanied  by  nails,  only  needing  to 
be  hammered  together.  They  must  have  expected  favorit- 
ism from  primitive  stocks.  From  time  to  time  I  had  put 
together  a  few  score  of  these  boxes  as  the  gold  heaps 
swelled,  and  when  all  of  them,  as  well  as  the  sacks,  were 
filled  I  computed  that  it  was  as  much  as  the  four  thousand 
beasts  could  be  entrusted  with,  lest  some  should  break 
down  in  the  desert. 

I  will  not  say  whether  my  pile  of  gold  was  so  vast  that 
some  even  then  remained  for  me  to  bury  in  the  nights,  and 
which  I  revisited  Africa  to  recover,  or  whether  I  buried 
and  left  it  for  a  time  not  yet  come  of  shocks  and  reverses 
in  the  business  world,  as  a  bank  which  cannot  fail.  I  dis- 
relish the  excitement  caused  in  white  men  by  visions  of 
buried  treasure,  even  if  it  has  since  been  dug  up. 

The  selection  of  my  camel  drivers  demanded  keen  judg- 
ment of  men.  I  could  trust  neither  the  King  nor  the  com- 
mon sort  for  this  trenchant  service ;  the  poor  King  was 
fast  dwindling  away,  losing  his  last  rays  of  mind,  and 
could  not  live  long,  from  no  perceptible  malady — which 
I  could  have  cured  with  drugs, — but  the  great  modern 
realities  with  which  I  had  irrigated  his  soul  had  been  more 
than  he  could  physically  absorb,  I  might  say;  they  had 
crippled  his  vitals,  the  endeavor  to  fathom  their  purport 
had  consumed  his  zest  for  life.  It  was  a  stroke  from  above 
from  which  I  could  not  defend  him.  If  one  of  the  ordinary 
people  should  learn  of  my  purposed  exit  with  the  shimmer- 
ing dross  he  would  too  likely  tattle  as  vulgar  folks  will 
and  worship  would  change  to  nasty  hate.  In  short,  altho 
my  warnings  that  the  mineral  was  for  another  world  had 
been  peremptory,  altho  they  understood  that  I  was  merely 
an  instrument  of  Omnipotence,  altho  they  had  yielded  to 
the  laws  of  profit  and  right  and  given  me  a  full  quitclaim 
on  gold  and  everything,  I  thought  I  could  dimly  sense  a 
selfish  distastf  for  my  taking  all  this  healthy  capital  out 


MY   LAST   MIRACLE  213 

of  their  country;  it  gave  them  work  where  they  formerly 
had  none,  it  caused  money  to  circulate  freely,  their  salaries 
were  liberal  and  prices  high,  so  high  that  when  they  had 
paid  the  prices  nothing  was  left  of  the  salaries,  for  I,  as  the 
just  owner  of  the  productive  agencies  of  the  country,  fixed 
and  collected  these  prices  before  the  salaries  got  out  of 
sight.  No  wonder  they  did  not  wish  their  capital  and  capi- 
talist to  emigrate.  They  had  never  known  prosperity  be- 
fore and  if  I  went  they  would  never  know  it  again.  No, 
the  common  people  were  not  to  be  trusted. 

There  remained  the  great.  Their  morals  were  of  a 
more  liberal  hue.  They  could  be  depended  on  to  under- 
stand me,  and  cleave  to  civilization,  and  appreciate  a  good 
opening  for  themselves.  They  were  free  from  the  paro- 
chial bonds  of  loyalty  which  held  the  common  mob  to- 
gether about  their  nation ;  they  stood  aloof  from  the  pat- 
riotic drove  in  all  things  save  acceptance  of  its  feeding  and 
favors,  cordially  despising  it,  boasting  themselves  to  be 
of  a  different  brand  of  blood,  welcoming  every  occasion 
to  do  the  gross  crew  that  fed  them  harm.  This  was  true 
not  alone  of  those  who  had  weltered  in  greatness  for  a 
few  weeks  but  of  all,  tho  they  might  have  been  reared 
to  grandeur  only  twenty  minutes  before. 

To  fill  out  the  necessary  number,  annulling  civil  service 
rules  against  my  will,  I  therefore  increased  the  great  to 
fifty  and  invited  them  up  to  my  cave  one  evening  for  a 
fellowship  tea.  It  was  an  honor  I  had  never  before  in- 
dulged them  in  and  they  came  with  fluttering  trepidation. 

"Leave  your  poles  at  the  door,  gentlemen,"  said  I  as  they 
arrived,  "let  us  waive  ceremony  among  ourselves  this  eve- 
ning and  drink  and  chaffer  as  trusting  financiers." 

Then  I  took  them  into  my  confidence.  "My  friends." 
said  I,  "You  are  fitted  by  your  graceful  demeanor,  shifty 
natural  qualities  and  reptilian  ambitions,  to  partake  largely 
in  the  recuperation  of  the  moral  world  now  being  con- 


214  THE    HORROBOOS 

ducted  by  the  civilized;  altho  your  skins  are  black  your 
hearts  are  white,  your  souls  have  been  schooled  to  the  bur- 
den of  great  financial  responsibilities,  you  would  all  of  you 
make  excellent  capitalists  and  foreign  travel  would  sit  upon 
you  lightly  and  become  you  well,  I  am  inclined  to  consider 
you  capable  of  drawing  interest,  you  have  bravely  shown 
your  ability  to  let  other  people  work  for  you,  your  disposi- 
tions have  been  tried  and  found  agreeably  wanting  in  the 
qualities  that  make  enlightened  and  fraternal  men,  your 
deportment  toward  inferiors  is  that  of  the  tiger  and  boar 
in  accordance  with  the  ripest  etiquet  of  civilization,  you 
have  a  fine  sense  for  getting  what  is  not  your  own  and 
making  it  appear  that  it  is  your  own,  as  I  saw  at  the  in- 
auguration ritual  of  the  first  vintage  of  rubies,  you  are 
fitted  to  play  a  larger  part  in  the  world  than  you  can  do 
cooped  up  among  these  short-sighted  silurian  hills.  Here 
your  diet  is  limited  by  the  sparsity  of  the  population,  out 
in  the  great  world  there  are  more  people  than  the  leaves 
of  the  trees,  most  of  them  ready  to  be  eaten  if  you  approach 
them  in  the  right  way.  Your  associates  here  are  beneath 
you :  why  vulgarly  wear  away  your  lives  with  the  mean, 
when  in  other  parts  of  the  world  there  are  nations  on  a 
par  with  you  morally  and  inferior  to  you  in  the  pigment 
of  their  skins  ?  I  will  conduct  you  to  these  fragrant  parts ; 
we  will  load  the  camels,  donkeys,  mules  and  yourselves  with 
gold  and  leave  these  wretched  beings  that  surround  us 
here,  to  cross  the  desert  till  we  reach  a  paradise.  What  do 
you  say  to  it?" 

As  when  the  skeptic  orb  of  night  peeps  forth  upon  a 
Halloween,  so  peered  I  from  the  cynic  azure  of  my  skyful 
intellect  upon  a  nameless  antic.  And  when  my  crockery 
was  all  broken  and  even  my  bric-a-brac  bemauled,  they 
fretted  to  be  gone  that  instant,  only  asking  time  to  collect 
the  beads  of  the  multitude  and  clandestinely  relieve  the 
King  of  his  portable  possessions;  I  could  depend  on  their 


MY   LAST   MIRACLE  215 

silence  they  lustily  vowed  to  the  frighted  night,  and  im- 
plicitly trust  the  sanctity  of  their  oath  to  betray  the  tribe 
with  fidelity. 

My  path  was  now  clear.  I  secretly  condensed  my  re- 
maining goods  for  the  excursion,  leaving  little  to  be  done 
at  the  last.  Then  I  notified  the  corporation  that  another 
box  of  glitter  and  dreams  had  arrived,  more  adorable  than 
the  others,  and  all  accompanied  me  to  the  burial  ground 
of  the  tenth  jewel-case.  It  was  filled  with  nickel  watches, 
wind  instruments  of  music  for  the  innocent,  dolls  that  could 
reason,  glass  eyes  that  could  see,  white  neckties,  hairpins, 
and  every  delirious  object  in  which  the  savage  and  his  bride 
delight;  then  came  the  miracle  of  the  false  bottom  and 
the  sweet  things  on  which  they  now  relied  as  a  divine  smile. 
The  present  confection  excelled  all  others  and  was  impreg- 
nated with  a  sure  and  deadly  poison. 

I  was  about  to  deliver  my  final  stroke,  as  I  had  conceived 
it  before  enlisting  in  the  missionary  business  at  New  York. 
It  was  necessary  for  this  tribe,  with  whom  I  had  lived  on 
such  singularly  agreeable  terms  for  almost  half  a  year,  to 
be  exterminated  in  order  that  I  might  safely  escape,  and 
for  this  reason  I  had  brought  the  sweets  now  to  be  admin- 
istered. Could  I  have  been  assured  of  retiring  in  peace 
with  my  own,  the  heavens  might  have  sunk  into  hades 
before  I  would  have  harmed  a  hair  of  their  shaggy  heads ; 
indeed  my  affection  had  grown  mightily  intense  for  them, 
as  I  am  sure  had  theirs  for  me ;  they  were  a  guileless  darl- 
ing race  of  childlike  beings — but  there  was  the  gold,  my 
property,  earned  by  a  thousand  risks  and  toils :  to  refuse 
me  free  passage  with  my  own  would  be  downright  robbery, 
a  corrupt  assault  on  the  property  rights  which  I  had  estab- 
lished for  their  benefit,  and  I  was  justified  in  guarding 
against  this  potential  outrage  with  pungent  sagacity. 

In  distributing  the  candy  equally  as  usual,  the  women  and 
children  getting  their  share,  I  slipped  a  harmless  sort  to 


2i6  THE   HORROBOOS 

the  great  men,  who  I  intended  should  assign  the  destruc- 
tion of  their  fellow  countrymen  to  divine  wrath.  Com- 
manding them  to  eat  immediately  I  held  my  watch  to  time 
the  result :  in  twenty  minutes  the  noble  Rinyo  tribe  was  no 
more. 

I  was  really  sorry  to  part  with  the  faithful  and  pleasant 
creatures  whom  I  had  learned  to  love,  who  had  spared  my 
life  on  sundry  tempting  occasions  and  done  me  countless 
kindnesses,  who  cherished  and  revered  me  in  the  triple 
relation  of  father,  god  and  proprietor,  one  above  mortals, 
descended  from  the  rainbows  to  be  their  guardian  and  ad- 
vance their  happiness,  and  who  by  hard  labor  which  had 
ravaged  the  health  of  nine-tenths  of  them  had  made  me 
the  richest  man  within  the  fecund  purity  of  astral  light. 
I  felt  that  I  owed  them  something  and  would  fain  have 
rewarded  them  by  sparing  their  lives  if  it  could  have  been. 
It  was  a  painful  conflict  of  two  duties :  I  must  have  en- 
hazarded  my  wealth  and  jeopardized  the  unspeakable  good 
to  be  done  with  it  in  civilization  to  a  type  of  beings  before 
whom  these  groveling  cannibals  were  but  pestiferous  in- 
sects. Further  reflection  and  earnest  prayer  convinced  me 
that  I  really  owed  the  ebony  lobsters,  which  they  practi- 
cally were  considering  their  morals,  a  very  small  debt  if 
indeed  any;  viewed  broadly  and  in  the  Hght  of  the  Gospel, 
they  still  owed  me  something  and  I  should  have  taken  it 
had  there  been  anything  left.  I  had  presented  them  with 
the  Word,  revealed  political  economy  to  their  imperilled 
understandings,  given  them  the  holy  sacrament  of  labor, 
laid  the  knightly  rod  of  commerce  and  capitalism  on  their 
backs  until  their  backs  broke,  taught  them  book-keeping  to 
facilitate  the  reckoning  of  their  debts  to  me,  and  held  out 
other  inducements  for  them  to  get  on  in  the  world  and  on 
to  the  tricks  of  the  next,  blessings  for  which  gold  could  not 
pay  nor  love  atone. 

I  had  denied  myself  for  them.     For  nearly  six  months  I 


MY   LAST   MIRACLE  217 

had  worked  with  them  like  a  slave,  confined  to  my  seat  in 
the  shady  observatory  under  the  tree,  and  had  enjoyed 
the  pleasure  of  paying  their  board  by  not  forbidding  them 
the  use  of  whatever  their  wives  could  find  for  them  to 
eat  on  my  estates,  and  during  that  time  my  salary  had  been 
limited  to  four  billions  in  bullion  with  a  few  thousand 
millions  in  chance  diamonds  casually  picked  up.  They 
ought  to  have  been  deeply  thankful  for  their  board  and 
were  less  so  than  the  occasion  merited. 

As  to  my  life,  it  was  neither  their  love  nor  leniency  that 
had  saved  it,  but  my  own  Yankee  skill ;  my  instrinsic  nat- 
ural goodness  had  drawn  their  devotion  out  to  me  and 
they  deserved  no  credit  for  this,  the  credit  for  my  winsome 
sweetness  being  mine ;  my  brain,  the  merit  of  which  be- 
longed to  God  above  only,  had  extorted  from  their  impious 
heathen  labor-power  the  gold  which  burdened  a  soil  other- 
wise useful  for  churches,  real  estate  agents  and  rent.  I 
mused  with  some  enthusiasm  on  the  benefit  my  gold  would 
confer  on  civilization :  it  would  preserve  the  normal  value 
of  money  and  deliver  the  creditor  from  the  nature- 
appointed  necessity  of  taking  advantage  of  the  debtor,  to 
the  hurt  and  horror  of  the  former's  good  soul,  for  if  gold 
should  grow  scarce  and  its  value  rise  it  would  be  the 
sainted  economical  duty  of  the  creditor  to  require  as  much 
cf  it  from  his  debtor  as  when  the  same  was  plentiful  and 
cheap,  to  defend  political  economy  from  the  contempt  of 
the  poor. 

On  the  other  hand,  what  could  be  more  base  and  use- 
less than  these  sodden  atrocities  called  creatures,  mistakenly 
wearing  the  shape  of  men,  whose  highest  notion  of  happi- 
ness was  devouring  one  another,  whose  principal  theory  of 
usefulness  was  licking  one  another's  feet,  who  envied  and 
despised  each  other  by  a  dogma  no  less  empty  and  atheisti- 
cal than  the  length  of  certain  wooden  sticks  borne  distress- 
ingly upon  their  iliums,  impeding  every  healthy  and  pleasur- 


2i8  THE   HORROBOOS 

able  activity,  whose  women  had  no  higher  conception  of 
the  loftiness  of  human  womanhood  than  to  meanly  exist 
knitting  leaves  together  by  ridiculous  rules  to  maintain  an 
artificial  standard  for  mutual  contempt  and  hate?  Such 
people  were  a  layer  of  slag  upon  the  anxiously  pregnant 
earth,  hideous,  anomalous,  choking  down  the  useful  and 
beautiful  verdure  of  sprouting  syndicates, — he  who  should 
have  the  courage  and  power  to  remove  them  would  de- 
serve blessings  from  the  human  race,  Rinyos  of  course 
excepted. 

It  had  really  become  a  duty,  too,  their  compassionate 
extermination,  as  in  mercy  we  mitigate  the  sorrows  of  sick 
animals  by  death.  Labor  had  hopelessly  sucked  out  their 
racial  stamina,  even  the  women  and  children  were  paling 
shadows  since  I  had  finally  sent  them  into  the  diggings  to 
lessen  the  cost  of  production  and  break  up  their  unholy 
idling  over  fashions,  needles  and  leaves.  They  could  not 
adapt  themselves  and  perished  in  shoals.  After  that  edict 
board  became  more  scrappy  and  unfeeding.  It  was  their 
own  fault,  they  would  continue  weaving  their  leaves,  and 
since  they  could  not  do  so  by  day  they  sat  up  all  night, 
which  I  considered  an  outrageous  disregard  of  health,  and 
was  compelled  by  it  to  withdraw  my  sympathy.  The  sweet- 
natured  King  had  been  nearing  his  death-bed  for  weeks 
and  a  few  more  brief  fortnights  would  have  parted  us  for- 
ever (for  he  was  not  converted),  through  the  sad  ordinary 
course  of  fading  nature;  I  should  only  have  deferred  my 
grief  for  the  separation  by  waiting,  and  I  loved  to  have  sad 
scenes  pass. 

So,  as  I  looked  upon  the  thousands  of  corpses  of  my  for- 
mer intimates  lying  stark  athwart  the  mesa  with  set  agon- 
ized faces,  a  great  joy  filled  my  soul  for  what  I  had  done, 
strength  coursed  through  my  veins  in  the  vision  of  further 
usefulness  before  me,  and  I  called  the  great  men  to  my 
side   to   witness   that   a   sternly   benevolent   Avenger   had 


THE  SIGN  OF  THE  NOSE  219 

struck  their  nation  dead   for  its  filthy  sins,  only  sparing 
them  because  of  their  pearly  cosmopolitan  virtues. 


CHAPTER  XXXVI 
The  Sign  of  the  Nose 

My  work  was  done  and  on  the  second  morning  after  the 
sacrifice  a  noble  caravan  moved  out  of  the  now  desolate 
valley  of  the  tribe  of  Rinyo,  I  prepared  the  guns  of  the 
recently  extinct  prospectors  for  use,  having  had  a  dream 
that  my  life  was  sometime  to  be  saved  by  firearms.  Some 
delays  occurred  on  the  march  owing  to  the  obstinate  resolu- 
tion of  the  great  men  to  wear  their  poles  as  they  walked. 
In  vain  I  expostulated,  in  vain  I  dilated  upon  their  present 
strenuous  equality,  emancipating  them  from  the  irksome 
need  to  wear  insignia  of  height,  since,  all  their  inferiors 
being  luckily  dead,  they  were  disagreeably  superior  to  none. 
This  was  the  direfulest  blunder  of  my  checkered  African 
holiday. 

"If  none  are  inferior  to  us,  tell  us  the  gain  of  being 
superior,"  they  subtly  wept.  "What  profits  it  us  to  be 
superior  persons  unless  we  are  superior  to  somebody  ?  Why, 
Holiness,  you  can't  be  superior  in  that  case,  you  become 
just  a  common  mean  individual  on  the  lowest  level,  nobody 
looks  up  to  you,  nobody's  servility  reminds  you  of  your 
grandeur  and  goodness,  there  are  no  props  or  buoys  or 
wings  to  your  higher  aspirations, — we  prefer  death." 

They  were  profoundly  grieved,  listless,  dispirited,  their 
apathy  deprived  them  of  appetite  and  strength ;  if  it  were 
permitted  to  great  men  to  have  friends,  the  loss  of  all 
theirs  could  not  have  stricken  them  worse. 

I  sought  to  cheer  them.  "You  are  as  great  as  ever," 
said  I ;  "it  hasn't  affected  your  quality  nor  diminished  your 
intrinsic  selves  that  those  below  you  are  no  more." 


220  THE    HORROBOOS 

"It  has  destroyed  our  station  in  life,"  they  cried,  the 
banks  of  their  eyes  again  swept  with  raging  tears,  "it  has 
taken  away  those  whom  we  despised  and  hated  to  see 
aHve,  now  we  can  despise  no  longer,  you  have  stolen  away 
our  joy." 

"Well,  well ;  don't  cry,  don't  be  unhappy,  it  will  pass  off, 
you  will  forget  it ;  put  on  your  poles  and  let  us  wag  along 
or  you  will  never  reach  paradise." 

They  did  so,  sobbing  sorely,  but  they  would  eat  no  break- 
fast. I  mounted  the  camel  that  bore  a  sack  of  revolvers, 
expecting  trouble  before  sunset  and  keeping  in  the  rear 
of  the  line  to  observe  transactions,  also  leading  a  mule 
padded  with  rifles  and  shot  guns.  The  natives  muttered 
and  chattered  together  with  increasing  vehemence,  gesticu- 
lating like  politicians  about  to  nominate  a  president.  At  ten 
o'clock  they  collected  their  animals  in  a  group  and  leaving 
them  with  two  or  three  guards  came  plunging  toward  me 
clanking  their  poles,  brandishing  their  spears,  and  would 
you  believe  it?  swearing  full-bearded  American  oaths.  I 
have  owed  my  life  to  many  odd  things  in  its  course  but 
never  to  anything  so  ridiculous  as  these  savage  escutcheon 
poles  which  they  would  not  even  now  lay  off  for  fear  of 
curdling  their  haughty  cream  blood.  It  gave  me  time  to 
unlimber  my  long-toms  and  retire  behind  the  rampart  of 
my  kneeling  camel.  A  rifle  served  at  far  range  and  I 
stretched  a  brace  of  the  foremost  aristocrats  on  the  plain; 
then  followed  a  broadside  of  buckshot  which  perforated 
some  and  struck  all  panicky  and  brought  on  a  premature 
discharge  of  their  shafts,  too  soon  to  do  me  harm.  Not 
wishing  to  more  than  decimate  them,  from  the  value  of 
mule  drivers  to  my  cause,  I  leaped  the  barrier  and  made 
at  them  with  a  shotgun  in  either  hand  and  revolvers  numer- 
ously dispersed  over  my  person.  A  shot  or  two  into  the 
air  finished  the  business,  they  fled  precipitately,  nor  would 
they  stop  until  nearly  out  of  sight,  certain  that  my  machines 
would  carry  death  as  far  as  the  eye  could  reach. 


THE   SIGN    OF   THE    NOSE  221 

The  guards  of  the  beasts  were  utterly  craven,  but  it  was 
hours  before  I  could  entice  the  others  back,  who  sat  on 
knolls  like  prairie-dogs,  staring  and  smelling  disconsolately 
at  the  camp  where  I  had  prepared  a  savory  meal  of  their 
dead  companions,  numbering  four,  as  bait.  Hunger  over- 
came them  at  length;  one  by  one  they  stole  in,  but  before 
allowing  them  to  eat  I  had  each  thoroughly  flogged  by  his 
comrades.  Altho  it  was  near  evening  I  compelled  them 
forward  through  the  sand,  bearing  their  poles  on  their 
bleeding  hips,  until  they  could  not  move  another  step,  when 
we  pitched  our  camp  for  what  remained  of  the  night. 

I  imagined  they  would  be  grateful  for  sleep  after  a  day 
of  such  liveliness,  tho  naturally  I  was  not,  but  what  did 
several  of  them  do  when  silence  reigned  but  stealthily  arise 
and  run  themselves  through  with  their  own  pikes,  moan- 
ing distractedly  in  their  last  breath  that  life  was  not  to  be 
lived  if  they  could  not  be  more  virtuous  than  others.  From 
time  to  time  through  the  ghostly  hours  some  one  arose  and 
shortened  the  pole  of  his  nearest  comrade  and  returned 
to  rest  with  a  transfigured  smile  of  heavenly  repose.  I 
know  not  what  the  effect  of  these  perfidious  acts  would 
have  been  on  the  victims  if  it  had  not  appeared  when  the 
morning  porter  took  down  the  shutters  of  heaven  that  each 
survivor  had  so  shortened  his  neighbor's  pole  to  curtail 
his  honor  that  all  were  still  equal.  The  expressive  coun- 
tenances of  these  ferocious  extortioners  when  the  discovery- 
was  made  would  have  formed  the  germ  of  a  new  school  of 
art. 

On  the  morrow  the  day  and  the  caravan  dragged  drearily 
forward  while  I  pondered  what  should  be  done.  It  was 
clear  that  the  pitiful  drooping  wretches  could  not  long  sur- 
vive, bereft  of  their  motive  to  breathe;  when  night  came 
they  sank  upon  the  sands  and  slept  tearless  and  foodless : 
then  I  undid  their  poles  with  great  caution  and  made  a 
bonfire  of  them.     On  their  awaking  T  called  them  to  me 


222  THE    HORROBOOS 

and  delivered  the  quickening  information  that  we  were  to 
have  a  restoration  of  inferiority. 

"In  place  of  the  poles  you  will  now  have  the  Order  of 
the  Cord.  You  have  all  shown  a  parallel  proficiency  in 
licking,  so  that  the  poles  are  no  longer  marks  of  excep- 
tional greatness,  but  I  shall  be  very  much  astounded  if 
we  do  not  find  something  in  which  all  are  not  on  a  par. 
If  not,  nature  is  no  longer  just  and  squint-eyed.  We  will 
determine  who  is  the  greatest  man  by  his  bravery." 

They  capered  gleefully  at  this  news  and  asked  how  they 
were  to  decide  the  tournament,  jumping  up  and  down 
unpleasantly  close  on  every  side  of  me.  "Shall  we  fight  one 
another  and  adjudge  the  conquerors  to  be  the  bravest  in 
the  order  of  the  number  of  foes  that  they  overcome?" 
And  I  thought  they  would  begin  to  beat  each  other  to  death 
then  and  there. 

"No,  no !"  thundered  I  authoritatively,  shooting  two 
revolvers  into  the  ground  for  emphasis.  "Don't  you  see 
how  wasteful  of  human  misery  that  would  be,  destroying 
some  who  might  just  as  well  live  to  be  despised,  and  con- 
tracting the  victors'  area  of  happiness  and  contempt  by 
putting  some  of  the  possible  objects  of  their  scorn  out  of 
the  world  ?  How  frivolous !  When  will  you  learn  to  think 
before  you  act !  And  can't  you  understand  that  this  would 
be  no  test  of  bravery  either?  For  the  beaten  ones  might 
possess  as  much  courage  as  the  others,  but  their  strength 
might  give  out  or  an  untimely  blow  lay  them  senseless  or 
dead.  Fighting  is  merely  a  measure  of  brute  strength,  skill 
or  luck,  but  not  the  least  of  bravery." 

"How  can  we  decide,  Lord  God?"  they  asked,  baffled. 
"If  bravery  is  such  an  inward  matter  who  is  to  weigh 
it?" 

"Think,"  urged  I,  as  they  stood  about  me  like  school- 
boys, with  blankly  open  mouths.  It  was  no  use,  they  had 
no  heredity  behind  them. 


THE    SIGN    OF   THE    NOSE 


223 


"Use  the  Socratic  method,"  said  I,  "there's  money  in 
it," — looking  affectionately  at  my  saddled  gold.  "The 
bravest  man  may  often  be  beaten,  may  he  not?" 

"He  may." 

"Because  his  strength  is  gone?" 

"Quite  so." 

"But  his  courage  may  still  remain?" 

"Certainly." 

"And  if  he  had  strength  would  he  still  continue  the 
fight?" 

"Most  assuredly  he  would." 

"How  then  is  he  to  show  that  although  his  strength  is 
gone  his  courage  remains?" 

"That  is  no  simple  matter,  O  Colonel  Brady,  the  argu- 
ment grows  complicated ;  tell  us  how  if  you  know." 

"Is  it  not  by  manfully  continuing  to  endure  the  beating 
which  he  has  not  strength  to  repel,  not  wailing  or  com- 
plaining, but  with  an  exultant  heart  and  joyous  smile  invit- 
ing the  blows  and  earnestly  petitioning  his  foe  never  to 
cease  striking  while  he  is  alive?" 

"That  would  indeed  seem  to  be  the  mark  of  the  perfect 
and  consummate  hero." 

"And  that,"  I  said,  "is  the  method  we  will  now  pursue. 
The  cheeks  are  a  part  of  the  body  with  little  if  any  im- 
portance to  the  economy  of  the  whole  but  to  keep  in  food 
for  a  transitory  period  until  deglutition  supervenes :  is  that 
so?" 

"It  is,"  they  said,  "since  you  assert  it,  and  magically  your 
words  glide." 

"Moreover,  they  are  a  positive  hindrance  to  the  functions 
of  nature,  enabling  only  a  small  quantity  of  food  to  be 
taken  into  the  mouth  at  a  time,  drowning  and  smothering 
the  voice,  which  otherwise  might  go  out  on  all  sides  of 
the  face  at  once,  preventing  us  from  learning  to  talk  to 
different  persons  with  the  two  sides  of  our  tongue  at  the 


224 


THE    HORROBOOS 


same  time,  and  keeping  the  teeth  buried  away  in  the  dark 
from  the  healthy  microbe-kilHng  action  of  the  sun." 

"It  is  reasonable,"  they  assented,  "and  modern." 

"Still,  I  have  not  mentioned  all  the  disadvantages  of  the 
cheeks.  The  resources  which  nature  builds  into  them 
might  be  applied  elsewhere  to  the  construction  of  useful 
muscle  or  even  brain,  without  them  men  could  not  grow 
unsightly  hairs  over  their  countenances  to  falsify  their 
true  lineaments,  the  cheeks  conceal  the  thoughts  of  the 
mind  and  therefore  make  us  liars,  acting  as  a  mask  or 
second  screen  before  the  brain,  as  is  proven  by  the  superior 
expressiveness  of  a  naked  skull,  but  most  of  all  they  pre- 
vent the  entire  tongue  from  being  used  in  licking,  with  no 
impediment,  on  a  grand  scale." 

My  last  hit  appealed  to  their  everyday  perceptions  and 
they  cheered. 

"To  discover  your  greatness  and  bravery  and  to  free  you 
from  these  invidious  appendages,  I  shall  have  your  cheeks 
cut  away  little  by  little  from  day  to  day,  and  those  who 
endure  the  pain  with  the  slightest  outward  evidences  will 
be  pronounced  the  bravest  and  greatest  among  you." 

"But  how  will  it  be  known  and  remembered  which  is 
greatest  if  w^e  have  on  no  poles  to  display  it?" 

"By  the  Order  of  the  Cord,  and  the  Sign  of  the  Nose. 
All  of  you  shall  wear  a  rope  around  your  waists  trailing  out 
behind,  the  greatest  being  honored  by  dragging  after  him 
the  mightiest  attachment.  But  of  the  rest  later,  let  us  get 
to  work  with  the  knives  for  the  time  is  passing." 

When  the  first  operation  was  over  the  caravan  moved 
forward  suffering  pitifully  but  nobly  stoical  and  with  all 
signs  of  discontent  gone.  They  must  have  credit  for  scor- 
ing magnificent  fortitude.  Several  times  a  day  the  surgery 
was  repeated,  each  one  making  a  wider  gap  in  their  cheeks, 
but  they  certified  true  greatness  of  soul  by  steadfast  silence 
and  placid  immobihty  of  remaining  features.    You  may  not 


THE    SIGN    OF   THE    NOSE  225 

believe  it,  yet  I  positively  assert  that  having  cut  away  all 
their  cheeks  in  vain,  I  was  obliged  to  spread  on  a  blister 
of  pepper  and  salt  brightened  with  tabasco  sauce  before 
I  could  distinguish  the  variations  of  their  endurance.  Their 
health  through  this  ordeal  was  wonderful,  sustained  un- 
doubtedly by  the  keen  anticipations  of  pleasure  and  quality 
to  come,  when  the  contest  should  be  decided.  The  salt 
nevertheless  brought  them  down  one  by  one  so  that  on  the 
fifth  day  came  the  distribution  of  honors.  First,  I  con- 
ferred on  each  of  them  a  codfish  tail  of  equal  size  in  per- 
manent reminder  of  their  human  identity,  fearing  they 
might  drift  apart  into  separate  species;  then  their  cords, 
a  number  of  clotheslines  taken  from  the  vanquished  cara- 
van, which  they  were  conveying  into  the  wilderness  for 
domestic  purposes  after  marriage  with  the  natives.  These 
being  cut  into  appropriate  lengths,  one  about  ninety  feet 
long  was  connected  with  the  greatest  man.  It  did  my  soul 
good  to  see  him  parade  up  and  down  the  sand,  ever  glanc- 
ing vainly  back  at  the  feather  which  he  had  tied  to  the 
rope's  far  end  the  more  distinctly  to  recognize  his  mag- 
nificence. 

Through  a  luckless  miscalculation  of  mine  the  rope  gave 
out  before  going  around,  and  to  correct  the  deficiency  X 
proposed  a  moderate  general  shortening,  only  to  meet  a 
downright  refusal  from  those  in  possession,  who  would 
give  up  nothing.  Fortunately  there  was  a  spool  of  barbed 
wire  in  the  outfit.  I  know  not  for  what  purpose  the  gold 
hunters  had  brought  rt  unless  to  protect  their  claims  from 
one  another,  but  it  was  a  godsend  to  me:  unrolling  several 
coils  while  all  the  fashionable  society  fluttered  about  look- 
ing on,  I  was  going  to  snip  off  a  few  feet  for  the  inferior- 
most  when  the  others,  who  already  had  ropes,  gave  vent 
to  a  new  cry  of  indignant  opposition.  The  upshot  of  it 
was,  they  regarded  the  barbed  wire  as  a  higher  distinction 
than  the  rope,  wherefore  to  pacify  them  I  was  obliged  to 


226  THE    HORROBOOS 

begin  all  over  again,  meting  out  ninety  feet  of  barbed  wire 
to  the  greatest — for  he  would  accept  no  less — and  propor- 
tionate quantities  to  the  others  as  long  as  the  wire  lasted. 
The  case  was  now  almost  as  bad  as  when  they  had  the 
poles,  for  they  were  constantly  lacerating  themselves  with 
the  wire,  frightening  the  camels,  and  getting  caught  in 
the  stones  and  bushes  as  they  strained  along.  But  I  was 
growing  tired  of  resistance  and  concluded  to  bear  my  trials 
like  a  Christian  as  long  as  food  held  out. 

They  did  not  forget  my  promise  to  endow  them  with 
other  proofs  of  superiority  and  they  were  soon  clamoring 
for  the  Sign  of  the  Nose.  I  made  them  an  oration  explain- 
ing the  nature  of  these  signs  and  declaring  that  I  should 
not  insist  upon  their  adoption ;  but  as  they  were  obstreper- 
ous in  the  affirmative  I  reluctantly  set  about  their  gratifica- 
tion. There  were  forty-two  survivors,  and  I  specified  that 
the  lowest  fifteen  must  be  contented  with  their  cords  until 
some  above  them  died.  Of  the  sixteenth  from  the  bottom 
I  cut  oflf  one  toe,  of  the  seventeenth  two,  and  so  went  on 
advancing  them  in  greatness  until  the  thirty-fifth  was 
reached,  whose  superiority  to  those  before  him  was  shown 
by  the  amputation  of  his  twenty  fingers  and  toes.  There 
remained  the  greatest  seven.  First  I  removed  the  fingers 
and  toes  of  them  all  that  they  might  not  be  in  any  attribute 
less  than  the  preceding;  of  number  thirty-six  I  took  off 
an  ear,  of  the  next  both  ears,  then  both  ears  and  had  the 
hair  pulled  out  of  one  side  of  the  head,  of  the  next  in 
order  the  hair  on  both  sides,  then  all  this  and  the  extin- 
guishment of  one  eye,  number  forty-one  parted  with  both 
eyes,  and  finally  the  chief  man  received  all  these  marks  of 
greatness  and  the  supreme  one,  the  amputation  of  his  nose, 
because  it  was  called  the  Sign  of  the  Nose.  The  last  two 
being  sightless  could  do  nothing,  but  of  the  very  greatest 
it  is  usual  to  expect  little. 

I  anticipated  some  of  the  martyrs  to  die  of  their  mutila- 


MILLIONS   OF  MAD   CANNIBALS 


227 


tions  but  happily  none  did.  Their  blood  was  gushing  fast 
and  of  good  quality  from  living  overnight  with  jubilant 
images  of  once  more  dealing  and  receiving  the  blows  of 
affliction,  so  they  were  somewhat  recovered  from  the  shat- 
tering months  of  gold  digging  and  their  flesh  quickly  basted 
itself  together.  Each  fortified  himself  for  the  hardships 
of  the  days  to  come  by  hoping  for  the  death  of  some  one 
over  him  in  rank,  when  he  would  be  promoted  toward  the 
top  by  the  loss  of  a  finger,  his  hair,  an  eye,  or  a  nose. 


CHAPTER    XXXVII 

Millions  of  Mad  Cannibals.  The  Hand  of  Providence 

And  there  were,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  hardships.  We  lost 
our  way  and  were  attacked  by  the  bloodthirsty  two-legged 
man-eaters  into  whose  jungles  we  had  inadvertently  wan- 
dered, and  not  having  time  to  convert  them  to  their  own 
destruction  it  was  necessary  to  forcibly  stand  them  off. 
Hordes  of  their  fiercest  demons  came  sweeping  rudely  in 
upon  us  from  every  side,  thoughtlessly  bent  on  our  instant 
annihilation;  my  feeble  few  were  crippled  so  that  a  third" 
of  them  could  not  draw  a  bow;  and  yet  we  were  saved  by 
one  of  those  miracles  which  always  attended  my  course 
and  which  to  this  day  I  look  upon  as  divine  interpositions, 
probably  secured  by  my  missionary  standing.  As  the 
dense  black  races  approached,  for  many  had  joined  to 
stamp  us  out,  whooping  and  lashing  themselves  into  a 
very  lustiness  of  courage  and  anger,  upon  the  foremost 
ranks  broke  the  ghastly  spectacle  of  my  warriors'  cheek- 
less  visages,  the  horrible  red  scars  forming  huge  terrifying 
apertures  from  ear  to  ear  and  eye  to  lower  maxillary  bone, 
with  the  gums  and  teeth  protruding  fearfully,  some  also 
eveless.  earless,  hairless  or  noseless,  and  thev  mistook  this 


228  THE    HORROBOOS 

smart  set  for  devils  just  out  of  hell  as  they  looked.  Panic 
seized  their  marrow.  Turning  they  plunged  back  maniacally 
into  the  shrieking  mass  behind,  who  had  not  yet  observed 
the  fiendish  expression  of  my  company  and  still  pressed 
madly  forward,  imagining  they  were  attacked.  They  fell 
on  one  another  and  fought  like  scalded  tigers;  those  who 
saw  the  faces  of  my  men  being  possessed  by  a  cruel  fear, 
murderously  attempted  to  tear  their  way  through  the 
oncoming  black  wall:  and  while  we  sat  calmly,  never 
lifting  a  hand  or  offering  resistance — for  there  was  nothing 
to  resist — and  I  lighted  my  pipe,  these  men  tore  one  an- 
other to  death,  the  rear  host  believing  they  were  fighting 
us  made  manifold  by  some  black  art,  until  thousands  of 
dead  strewed  the  soft  green  sward  and  the  relics  fled. 

My  religious  emotions  had  been  somewhat  inactive  on 
account  of  my  infidel  environment  up  to  the  present  time 
but  they  now  blossomed  forth  irrepressibly.  I  taught  my 
wild  guard  to  sing  te  deums  to  their  Savior  for  our  splendid 
deliverance,  pointing  to  the  bloody  field  as  evidence  of 
divine  protection  and  love,  which  was  so  unmistakable 
that  even  these  dwarfed,  gnarled  and  scrubby  intellects 
absorbed  the  lesson.  I  succeeded  in  converting  nearly 
half  of  them  to  Christianity,  which  cleansed  my  conscience 
of  a  cloudy  feeling  that  I  had  not  done  my  whole  duty 
by  the  missionary  society  that  sent  me  out,  an  omission 
I  had  intended  to  make  good  by  a  decent  yellow  contribu- 
tion. As  this  obligation  was  now  liquidated  the  gold 
could  be  applied  to  a  university  bearing  my  name  which 
I  had  in  contemplation,  the  Colonel  Fessenden  Brady  Uni- 
versity, of  Boston,  where  it  would  have  a  great  field  to 
shine  in  by  itself  with  no  palpable  competitor,  with  a  de- 
partment or  two  devoted  to  civilizing  wasted  savages  in 
Asia,  Boston  and  Africa,  and  several  departments  on  the 
commercial  attributes  of  God,  with  an  eye  to  the  amusing 
traces  of  some  derelict  and  rudimentary  moral  organs  of 


MILLIONS    OF    MAD    CANNIBALS  229 

His,  extinct  in  the  solar  system  since  the  death  of  the 
ancient  Greeks,  and  I  sat  up  that  night  writing  a  letter 
to  inform  the  Missionary  Society  of  the  number  of  souls 
I  had  saved  and  the  perilous  situations  that  I  had  been 
obliged  to  occupy  in  order  to  save  them. 

While  I  sat  recalling  my  native  language  and  meditating 
the  appropriate  religious  terminology,  imprecations  arose 
in  the  direction  of  the  largest  mound  of  slain.  Fearing 
new  enemies  and  realizing  that  they  could  not  see  my 
people  in  the  dark,  whose  countenances,  or  deficiency  of 
countenances,  were  our  sole  protection,  I  hastily  lighted  a 
mass  of  fuel  beforehand  provided,  calling  upon  my  men  to 
rise  and  expose  themselves.  Not  one  of  them  was  in 
camp — but  neither  was  there  an  enemy  near.  The  din  was 
caused  by  a  hot  altercation  in  progress  between  two  groups 
of  them.  Rushing  between  hostilities  in  time  to  avert 
violence,  what  should  I  find  but  that  my  converts  from 
heathendom  had  risen  in  the  stillness  of  the  infinite  night 
and  gone  out  to  lay  claim  to  all  the  corpses  in  the  field; 
the  others,  also  watchful,  had  followed  them,  and  beginning 
with  scholarly  theological  argument  they  were  far  on  the 
road  to  religious  persecution  and  bloodletting. 

"What  is  this  all  about?"  I  demanded  angrily,  out  of 
all  patience.     The  new  Christians  answered  volubly. 

"The  great  God  you  told  us  of  who  now  belongs  to  us, 
the  one  that  slew  all  these  vermin  enemies  for  our  good, 
surely  didn't  do  it  for  these  unsaved  pagans  in  our  midst 
who  do  not  believe  in  Him — it  was  for  us,  his  disciples. 
Now  with  lowly  befitting  humility,  for  God's  will  be  done. 
Hallelujah!  we  declare  that  we  have  no  vital  animosity 
toward  these  evil  wretches  who  refuse  to  be  converted, 
if  they  keep  their  hands  ofif  God's  bounties  and  control 
their  greed, — and  thus  we  prove  our  Christian  spirit;  for 
in  their  unregenerate  vileness  they  are  no  better  than  the 
foreign  devils  whom  our  loving  God  slew,  and  we  wonder 
at  him  for  not  slaying  them  also." 


230 


THE    HORROBOOS 


I  expostulated,  I  reasoned,  I  pleaded.  "You  fools  you!" 
I  finally  blurted  out,  boiling,  "Can't  you  see  that  there 
are  five  hundred  times  more  corpses  than  all  of  you  can 
eat?  We  shall  have  to  go  on  and  leave  most  of  them 
to  rot  anyhow." 

But  the  converts  sat  like  the  lockjaw  and  declared  that 
it  was  their  religious  duty  to  the  good  Sky-Owner  to  keep 
the  whole.  As  for  themselves  they  disclaimed  all  personal 
interest  in  the  corpses,  affirming  that  they  were  only  per- 
forming a  hard  and  selfdenying  service  to  the  Supreme. 
They  called  their  brethren  unconverted  savages  and  imag- 
ined themselves  as  having  covered  many  centuries  of  pro- 
gress during  the  preceding  night,  in  fact  catching  up  the 
word  'civilized'  which  they  had  sometimes  heard  me  utter, 
and  christening  themselves  with  it: 

"Do  not  ask  civilized  Christians,  who  are  assured  of 
immortality  and  already  feel  pardoning  bliss  in  their  bones, 
to  dwell  with  polluted  heathen  who  have  rejected  the 
free  gift  of  divine  grace,  whose  morals  are  execrable, 
whose  education  is  limited  to  stealing  by  brute  force,  and 
who  have  never  learned  that  it  is  the  greatest  sin  against 
heaven  for  the  surface  of  the  body,  which  heaven  made 
with  its  eyes  shut,  to  be  seen.  Look  at  their  pagan 
nakedness!"  This  was  the  absurd  manner  of  their  talk, 
and  they  argued  so  keenly  that  I  felt  they  had  taken  the 
very  words  I  should  have  used  under  similar  circumstances 
out  of  my  mouth  and  I  hated  them. 

How  was  I  to  deal  with  such  stubborn  donkeys?  After 
sitting  there  an  hour  in  the  dark  and  cold,  for  the  fire  had 
gone  out,  it  came  to  me  to  propose  a  solution.  I  thus  ad- 
dressed them:  "If  our  God  means  you  to  have  all  these 
rich  cadavers  he  will  reveal  it  to  you  by  enabling  you  to 
eat  them  all.  Go  at  them  now  and  eat  up  every  one  of 
these  dead  things,  and  know  that  if  you  do  not  succeed 
it  is  because  your  Jehovah  intends  the  others  to  have  some 
too" — so  they  began  to  devour. 


MILLIONS    OF    MAD    CANNIBALS  23I 

They  ate  for  their  stomachs'  sake  until  they  were  full, 
and  then  continued  on  for  their  religion's  sake  the  rest 
of  the  night,  while  the  other  savages  looked  on  dubiously 
with  crucified  desires,  believing  that  the  new  religion  would 
enable  their  adversaries  to  swallow  everything  there  was, 
and  therefore  wavering  and  nearly  ready  to  be  converted 
to  this  all-absorbing  faith.  It  was  also  a  trying  time  for 
me,  for  I  feared  that  the  spirit  of  progress  would  again 
exercise  the  Christians  if  they  failed,  and  cause  them  to 
discover  a  new  motive  for  abolishing  the  heathen  in 
their  iniquity,  which  would  force  me  to  abandon  part  of 
my  gold.  Except  for  this  I  should  have  been  in  full  sym- 
pathy with  them.  In  principle  they  were  right.  They 
had  comprehended  and  embraced  the  divine  conception 
toward  the  world,  they  had  adopted  the  principles  of  civi- 
lization, or  intended  to  do  so  as  soon  as  they  could  pur- 
chase the  necessary  clothes-stufYs,  and  it  was  plain  that 
they  appreciated  the  spirit  of  civilization  perfectly  and 
were  already  permeated  by  its  ennobling  sentiments. 
Hence  I  was  naturally  on  their  side.  I  owed  it  to  my 
religion  to  be  so.  Still,  I  could  not  sacrifice  money,  even 
for  the  advantage  of  turning  darkness  into  light  by  putting 
out  the  light  of  a  few  dark  countenances. 

I  little  knew  the  savage  capacity.  They  ate  until  they 
were  gorged,  then  they  ate  on  till  they  were  unconscious, 
and  even  then  their  jaws  continued  to  move  digestively. 
Only  three  or  four  died  of  this  gluttony.  Forty-six  hours 
later  the  survivors  came  to  themselves  ready  to  acknowl- 
edge that  it  was  not  the  purpose  of  the  supreme  god  for 
them  to  have  everything  on  that  occasion,  lifting  the  dark 
menace  of  Christian  consecration  from  my  mind.  As 
long  as  they  stayed  with  me  however,  I  was  unable  to  dis- 
lodge the  idea  from  their  heads  that  having  everything 
was  a  Christian  privilege  and  function. 

On  our  march  we  met  with   strange  phenomena.     The 


232 


THE    HORROBOOS 


savage  villag-es  in  our  pathway  were  deserted,  while  in 
each  we  found  meals  of  freshly  sacrified  human  flesh,  in 
every  instance  upon  the  choicest  family  plate.  It  was 
fortunate  that  I  had  early  learned  to  enjoy  the  staple 
article  of  international  diet,  for  otherwise  I  should  have 
fared  sorrily  in  these  wilds,  the  non-human  articles  of 
food  being  very  thin  and  singular.  What  was  the  meaning 
of  the  terror  and  worship  we  inspired  everywhere  in  ad- 
vance? I  told  my  companions  that  gods  and  civilization 
universally  had  this  effect  upon  the  unconverted,  but  in 
my  heart  I  knew  well  it  was  because  we  were  taken  for 
devils. 

God  or  devil,  my  purpose  was  served  just  the  same. 
After  nearly  three  weeks  of  trials  and  wandering  we 
reached  the  summit  of  a  mountain  pass  and  there  below 
us  a  day's  journey  only,  over  a  country  whose  character 
with  its  welcome  adorning  evidences  of  the  white  man's 
presence,  was  strikingly  different  from  the  barbaric  raw- 
ness in  our  rear,  lay  the  ocean  and  a  military  harbor 
town. 

I  needed  my  great  men  no  longer;  how  should  I  dis- 
encumber myself  of  their  richly  emetic  presences?  Their 
surprisingly  frightful  appearance  would  involve  me  in 
trouble  with  the  whites,  while  if  we  chanced  upon  inlanders 
with  whom  to  converse  they  would  be  slyly  boastful  over 
the  righteous  fate  of  their  tribe;  or  some  of  those  unprinci- 
pled adventurers  in  which  every  African  port  abounds 
would  be  worming  after  information  of  the  contents  of  my 
packs.  I  could  not  elude  them  nor  could  I  turn  them 
loose  like  cattle,  for  they  would  not  go,  and  a  scandalous 
shame  it  would  have  been  to  leave  them  trespassing  about 
the  veldt,  carrying  consternation  among  the  innocent  as  so 
many  loose  satans,  until  they  were  ignominiously  exter- 
minated, which  was  sure  to  eventually  and  painfully  happen. 
Human  life  is  to  me  precious  and  sacred,  and  I  think  we 


MILLIONS    OF    MAD    CANNIBALS 


233 


are  warranted  in  holding  our  own  to  be  the  most  sacred 
part  of  it.     I  resolved  to  appoint  Fate  the  arbiter. 

"Come,  boys,"  I  said,  "paradise  is  near  and  tonight  you 
shall  celebrate."  From  one  of  the  bales  I  undid  a  keg  of 
precious  spirits,  and  from  another  some  long  bladed 
daggers  which  I  distributed,  saying,  "You  may  have  to 
fight  your  way  into  paradise,  people  often  do  in  the  present 
uncertain  state  of  theology."  Those  bereft  of  fingers  were 
at  a  disadvantage  in  handling  these  weapons  but  they 
could  wield  them  with  the  stubs  of  their  hands  joined. 

Rum  was  a  new  sensation  to  these  fallow  creatures,  so 
were  evangelical  dirks — what  more  need  I  say?  A  fervent 
night  of  bacchanalian  symphony  is  better  than  a  long  and 
tedious  life  vacant  of  rapturous  thrills  and  spirit  puis- 
sances. Black  men  have  much  to  die  for  in  this  life  and  but 
little  to  live  for.  As  to  the  sinners  of  my  flock,  they 
were  a  menace  to  mankind  and  I  was  glad  to  have  them 
called  down. 

In  the  morning  I  pressed  on  alone  to  the  town,  where 
I  found  a  British  troop  in  possession  and  a  vessel  soon  to 
depart  for  London,  in  which  I  took  passage.  Not  to 
arouse  the  cupidity  of  the  ship's  people  I  spoke  lightly  of 
the  value  of  my  merchandise,  too  lightly,  for  a  fearful 
storm  overtook  us  and  before  I  knew  what  was  going  on 
they  had  heaved  half  of  my  precious  storage  into  the 
morgue  of  the  sea.  I  cursed  the  hour  of  my  birth  but 
concluded  to  save  the  rest  by  taking  the  captain  into  my 
confidence,  for  I  was  still  a  thirty-fold  Croesus  with  enough 
to  command  the  preliminaries  of  American  repose,  who 
extorted  a  heavy  indemnity  for  sparing  me  and  not  pooling 
the  whole  of  my  African  traffic  in  his  private  person.  In 
truth,  this  excessive  scoundrel  declared  that  he  would 
have  me  thrown  overboard  and  possess  himself  of  what 
remained  of  my  enormous  happiness  if  I  did  not  share  it 
equally  with  him.     Not  feeling  myself  bound  by  a  promise 


234 


THE    HORROBOOS 


wickedly  extracted  through  force,  on  reaching  England 
I  turned  the  lewd  fellow  over  to  the  leisures  of  the  law, 
where  in  due  time  he  received  a  proper  sentence  for  his 
illiterate  ethics,  and  my  own  was  restored.  Although  half 
of  my  original  treasure  and  heart  were  gone  I  was  still 
hugely  rich  with  the  preserved  moiety,  and  when  it  was 
safely  lodged  in  the  Bank  of  England  I  felt  that  the  pri- 
mary purposes  of  human  life  had  been  achieved." 

Colonel  Brady  paused,  swallowed  another  glass  of 
champagne,  as  he  had  done  from  time  to  time  during 
his  narrative,  and  concluded  by  saying: 

Gentlemen,  I  have  told  you  a  long  and  surprising  story, 
now  for  the  first  time  issued  from  the  press  of  my  lips, 
but  I  swear  to  you  that  every  word  is  true. 


CHAPTER    XXXVni 
The  African  Prince 

For  some  time  after  the  history,  listened  to  with  breath- 
less tension  by  us  all,  was  concluded,  no  word  was  spoken. 
Brady  continued  to  drink,  and  with  strained  feelings  we 
rose  by  common  consent  and  filed  unsteadily  to  the  deck, 
leaving  him  tippling.  The  mighty  hand-formed  monster 
of  the  deep  was  plunging  on  through  the  strident  swells 
of  the  insolent  sea,  the  wind  pounded  and  cut  our  faces  and 
whistled  with  savage  deviltry  through  the  spars,  it  was  a 
huge  and  realistic  entertainment  for  the  beginning  of  a 
year,  ruggedly  suggestive  of  inappeasable  civilization  and 
progress. 

Some  of  us  talked  together  a  few  minutes,  most  speakers 
warmly  lauding  the  Colonel  as  an  able,  amazing,  far-plan- 
ning man  of  the  w^orld,  one  of  its  Stirling  ornaments ;  as 
for  me  I  was  choked  with  loathing  for  the  villain,  and  two 


THE  AFRICAN   PRINCE  235 

or  three  others  shared  my  horror.  We  who  felt  thus  drew 
together  and  remained  a  while  in  the  booming  blizzard  to 
lull  the  tempest  of  our  nerves.  As  we  stood  in  the  shadow 
Colonel  Brady  issued  forth,  staggering  tipsy,  and  shambled 
slowly  away  from  us;  the  tall  dark  young  man  who  had 
listened  to  the  story  sauntered  by  his  side  supporting  him. 
In  a  dim  place  where  we  could  barely  see  their  forms  they 
stopped  and  seemed  to  converse;  then,  before  we  could 
realize,  or  act,  or  cry  out,  we  saw  the  giant  lift  Brady 
clean  into  the  air  above  his  head,  hold  him  there  squirming 
a  second,  and  hurl  him  far  over  the  rail  into  the  boiHng 
flood. 

We  ran  forward  along  the  rocking  deck  and  sprang  upon 
the  murderer  as  he  stood  calmly  supporting  himself  by  a 
stanchion  and  pensively  contemplating  the  surge;  he  did 
not  resist,  though  his  leonine  strength  against  three  seden- 
tary men  of  the  street  must  have  caused  a  momentary 
inconvenience  to  us. 

"Gentlemen,"  he  said,  in  broken  English  but  with  nobly 
commanding  dignity,  "I  am  at  your  mercy,  one  man  cannot 
cope  with  so  many,  I  have  no  desire  for  your  lives,  do  with 
me  as  you  will :  I  now  care  not  what  becomes  of  me,  the  sole 
object  of  my  bitter  existence  is  accomplished." 

"What  do  you  mean?"  we  demanded,  nonplussed. 

"I  am  the  Prince  of  the  African  tribe  which  that  reptile 
destroyed,  the  only  son  of  the  trusting  King  whom  he 
betrayed." 

We  did  not  give  the  alarm.  On  such  a  night  nothing 
could  have  saved  the  wretched  life  floundering  in  its  ruin, 
and  besides,  the  feeling  hot  and  uppermost  in  every  one  of 
us  then  was  how  richly  the  infamous  Brady  deserved  his 
tardy  doom. 

The  Prince  delivered  his  story  with  a  truthful  simplicity 
and  a  passionate  intensity  of  feeling  which  none  of  us 
could  distrust.     While  the  missionary  was  conducting  his 


236  THE    HORROBOOS 

nefarious  intrigue  he  had  been  absent  from  home  on  a 
far  expedition  winning  by  adventure  the  quaHties  to  reign, 
a  Rinyo  custom  answering  he  understood  to  the  education 
of  heirs  apparent  in  European  nations  to  prepare  them  for 
thrones.  When  he  returned  the  stays  of  Hfe  were  broken. 
During  the  twenty  moons  of  faithful  mountain  climbing 
to  fit  him  for  the  lofty  duties  of  state,  he  had  fallen  in  with 
some  civilized  white-skins  from  Berlin  and  Chicago,  who 
had  furnished  him  with  a  small  knowledge  of  English  and 
German,  a  large  knowledge  of  gold  and  its  natural  right, 
as  the  best  of  earthly  things,  to  survive  over  man,  and 
some  notion  of  the  white-man's  native  frolics  beyond  the 
wave,  in  return  accepting  his  various  accoutrements  and 
traveling  companions  and  allowing  him  to  contribute  his 
services  as  a  pack-bearer,  until  through  the  illegal  agency 
of  an  earthquake  he  had  escaped. 

When  his  sorrowful  eyes  fell  upon  the  whitened  vestiges 
of  his  departed  kindred  he  perceived  that  the  first  blessings 
of  civilization  had  arrived,  and  there  on  his  stricken  knees 
pledged  himself  to  devote  his  whole  life  to  revenge.  At 
first  it  was  his  mad  resolve  to  travel  through  the  civilized 
world  killing  whomsoever  he  could,  trusting  to  Providence 
to  preserve  him  in  this  sacred  work  through  many  useful 
years.  In  poignant  agony  he  had  tarried  to  wrest  from 
his  ancestral  parks  a  mass  of  the  all-conquering  sun-colored 
weapon  of  enlightenment,  and  as  he  was  starting  vaguely 
forth  in  quest  of  some  clue  to  the  murderers,  or  of  whites 
on  whom  to  expend  the  first  spasms  of  his  vengeance,  one 
of  his  own  people  had  wandered  in,  wearing  hardly  the 
similitude  of  human  expression,  all  his  features  save  one 
eye  and  his  nose  being  gone,  while,  most  wonderful  to 
relate,  he  was  possessed  of  the  mania  for  cutting  off  even 
his  nose  to  further  enhance  his  consequence.  This  distress- 
ful ghost  had  divulged  all  the  cruel  past,  meantime  implor- 
ing the  Prince  to  cut  away  his  own  fingers,  ears  and  nose, 


THE  AFRICAN   PRINCE 


237 


and  to  destroy  his  eyes  that  he  might  become,  as  the  son 
of  a  King  deserved  to  be,  the  greatest  being  alive. 

The  Prince  had  immediately  sailed  for  Europe,  where 
presently  he  saw  that  his  quest  would  be  favorably  pro- 
moted by  less  prominence  of  his  royal  African  culture  and 
some  training  in  surrounding  usages,  and  he  had  submit- 
ted to  rigorous  private  polishings  to  scour  off  the  outer 
manifestations  of  savagery,  so  far  as  he  could  endure  them, 
at  the  hands  of  the  best  masters.  Then,  accompanied  by 
several  Oxford  Fellows  whom  He  took  into  his  pay  as 
friends,  keeping  them  ignorant  of  the  object  of  his  devious 
courses,  he  had  drifted  through  the  great  cities  of  the  old 
and  new  worlds  seeking  his  foe.  But  he  had  failed,  for 
this  astute  financier  had  shrewdly  buried  his  identity  in 
trackless  oblivion,  if  he  had  not  through  the  wrath  of 
astonished  heaven  or  his  own  alarmed  repentance  vanished 
from  the  remorseful  flesh.  Had  he  not  perchance  been 
perpetually  mocked  and  scourged  by  the  apparition  of  his 
impending  fate?  And  yet,  the  strange  confluence  of  the 
two  on  this  ocean  ship  and  the  unsearchable  accident  of 
this  New  Year's  tale  were  all  that  had  finally  revealed  him. 
It  was  well  for  having  followed  the  phantom  trail  without 
a  gleam  of  light  through  ten  years,  the  Prince's  faitK  in 
the  dogma  of  eternal  justice  was  fading;  now,  having 
strangled  the  career  of  this  arcH  transgressor,  his  repose 
in  the  abiding  verities  was  restored,  he  again  loved  God  and 
was  prepared  to  meet  his  Maker  witH  ardent  cordiality 
and  calm. 

Such  was  the  confession  of  the  poor  Prince  whose  nation 
had  been  wiped  out  by  the  abandoned  infamy  of  him  whose 
breathless  body  now  floated  far  in  our  wake.  Returning 
to  the  smoking-room  witH  the  Prince,  for  whom  we  dis- 
covered something  of  the  veneration  always  appropriately 
stirred  by  royal  presences  in  tHe  sensitive  hearts  of  our 
'foremost  countrymen,  with"  a  due  degree  of  pride  in  the 


238  THE   HORROBOOS 

exalted  acquaintanceship,  we  consulted  together  beyond 
His  Highness'  bereaved  hearing  what  was  incumbent  on 
us  to  do.  We  found  ourselves  spontaneously  of  one  mind : 
the  Prince  had  done  his  duty,  the  wretched  Brady  was 
where  he  belonged,  and  we  would  keep  our  tongues  in  our 
teeth  about  what  we  had  seen.  In  the  morning,  when  the 
Colonel's  disappearance  should  become  noised,  the  others 
of  our  smoking-room  set  would  relate  that  he  was  last  seen 
drinking  himself  drunk,  and  all  the  ship  would  conclude 
that  he  had  gone  out  later  and  rolled  overboard.  We  com- 
municated our  decision  to  the  Prince  and  pledged  abiding 
secrecy,  warmly  shaking  him  by  the  hand,  which  deeply 
affected  his  impulsive  primitive  nature.  At  his  suggestion 
we  promised  to  be  seen  little  in  his  company  during  the 
remainder  of  the  voyage. 

Brady's  death  was  the  sensation  of  the  next  morning, 
and  subsided  with  the  storm  by  noon. 

Greyson  finished  his  narrative,  as  Colonel  Brady  had 
done  ten  years  ago  that  night  on  the  Atlantic  liner.  As  he 
did  so  one  of  our  company  fell  heavily  forward  from  his 
chair  upon  the  floor.  It  was  the  Hon.  David  Ryerson,  a 
financial  citizen  of  rare  public  repute  and  fondly  regarded 
by  us  all.  We  carried  him  to  the  divan  and  restored  his 
faculties. 

"What  was  it,  old  man,"  we  inquired  solicitiously,  "was 
that  tale  of  horrors  too  much  for  you?" 

Pouring  off  a  glass  of  cognac  to  steady  his  nerveless 
limbs  he  feebly  said: 

"Colonel  Brady  was  my  brother,  the  leading  member  of 
the  Diamond  Trust  of  Ryerson  Brothers.  Brady  was  our 
real  name,  but  when  Fessenden  reappeared  from  Africa 
he  wished  to  drop  the  old  family  title  and  call  the  stupen- 
dous business  absorption  which  we  organized  Ryerson, 
after  my  Christian  appellation.    I  did  not  trouble  to  ques- 


THE  AFRICAN   PRINCE  239 

tion  why.  He  had  a  humorous  fancy  for  traveHng  under 
assumed  names,  and  latterly  had  fostered  a  fresh  affection 
for  the  one  under  which  he  was  born,  with  the  appendix 
Colonel,  which  he  said  he  had  earned  in  the  rescue  of 
Christendom.  His  means  were  literally  unlimited  and  he 
bought  in  competing  houses  like  second-hand  furniture. 
He  told  me  a  very  different  story  of  the  origin  of  his  wealth 
from  the  true  one;  I  was  deceived  and  I  agree  with  you 
that  he  deserved  his  fate, — you  did  right,  Greyson,  you 
did  right.  He  had  upon  his  person  that  night  a  belt  con- 
taining a  million  dollars'  worth  of  precious  stones  which 
he  was  bringing  home  from  abroad  and  they  went  down 
with  him.  The  loss  of  these  was  nothing,  but  I  feared 
they  were  wrong  in  surmising  the  manner  of  his  death, 
and  that  there  might  have  been  foul  play :  it  was  his  method 
always  to  carry  a  small  fortune  about  on  his  person  despite 
my  protests,  which  might  have  become  known.  He  was 
sensitive  and  enjoyed  the  intimate  physical  presence  of 
riches.  I  believe  he  would  have  liked  to  bathe  in  a  mint 
of  gold.  I  was  right  in  my  dread  that  he  had  died  a  violent 
death,  but  no  other  retribution  could  justly  have  culminated 
such  a  life." 

We  sat  with  white  faces,  tense  with  the  denouement  of 
the  weird  tragedy.  The  midnight  bells  began  to  clank  the 
death-rattle  of  the  sinking  century.  A  letter  was  handed 
in  to  Greyson  postmarked  Paris,  with  directions  for  de- 
livery on  the  last  night  of  the  year.  He  tore  it  open, 
ran  through  it,  then  ground  his  teeth,  dashing  the  crum- 
pled paper  to  the  floor.  By  this  time  we  were  strung  up 
to  hear  and  believe  anything. 

"Read  it,"  he  moaned,  and  one  of  us  did  so  aloud.  It 
was  as  follows: 

"My  dear  Greyson:  I  hope  you  will  receive  this  about 
the  middle  of  the  last  night  of  Nineteen  Hundred.  If  you 
do,  it  will  recall  a  good  deed  of  yours  committed  ten 


240  THE   HORROBOOS 

years   ago   when  three   of  you   saved  the   hfe  of an 

African  Prince,  do  you  remember  him?  I  was  the  Prince 
that  night,  altho  I  abdicted  at  the  end  of  the  voyage, 
but  thanks  to  the  charming  story  of  our  friend  Colonel 
Brady  I  drew  a  salary  of  a  million  dollars  for  the  brief 
period  of  my  reign.  I  knew  that  he  carried  diamonds 
of  great  value,  then  in  his  stateroom  through  the  chafing 
weight  of  his  belt,  which  I  had  inspected.  By  the  law 
of  beauty  I  coveted  them,  but  how  by  that  law  or  the 
stauncher  one  of  private  expansion  was  I  to  obtain  them 
and  elude  the  search  of  the  ship  which  would  immediately 
follow  their  loss? 

"I  shaped  my  plan  out  of  his  alluring  adventures  as  I 
listened,  and  adopted  his  African  King  for  my  father.  The 
bait  seemed  much  to  your  liking,  for  you  made  a  hearty 
meal  of  it.  Of  course  you  and  your  friends  could  not  visit 
his  stateroom  after  the  tragedy  to  invoice  his  effects,  with- 
out exposing  the  secret  or  implicating  yourselves  if  you 
were  seen;  but  I  could  and  did  drop  in  there  after  leaving 
you,  and  assimilated  the  precious  stones. 

"You  can't  trace  me.  I  was  so  adapted  for  the  occa- 
sion that  I  could  not  have  been  known  by  my  own  father — 
Milto — and  that  was  ten  years  ago.  I've  changed  since 
and  am  now  a  prodigiously  rich  and  respectable  citizen 
in  a  certain  opulent  capital,  I  will  not  state  whether  of 
Europe  or  America,  though  in  tribute  to  the  soaring  spirit 
of  my  countrymen  I  will  say  that  I  was  born  in  a  righteous 
American  home.  I  am,  dear  Greyson,  in  my  own  wide 
sphere  of  banking  and  the  general  fraternity  of  trade,  very 
much  the  kind  of  splendid  public  figure  that  our  lamented 
companion  Brady  was  internationally. 

"Did  my  conscience  ever  afflict  me?  It  might  have  done 
so  had  I  not  been  deeply  schooled  in  a  long  evening  of 
Colonel  Brady's  morals.  Altho  I  followed  him  upon  the 
voyage  for  the  jewels  I  had  no  purpose  against  his  life, 


THE   AFRICAN    PRINCE  24I 

nor  should  I  have  taken  it  if  my  attempts  on  his  wealth 
had  failed,  had  I  not  learned  from  his  lips  the  true  prin- 
ciples of  world  commerce  in  which  till  then  I  had  been  a 
gentle  novice.  Since  he  could  gain  incalculable  loot  by 
the  bounty  of  international  ethics,  why  should  I  recoil 
from  dipping  a  share  out  of  his  vessels  with  his  own 
ethical  instruments?  No,  my  conscience  never  has 
troubled  me,  and  I  have  since  then  gloriously  succeeded 
along  the  track  which  he  was  kind  enough  to  spread  before 
my  dazzled  gaze. — And  I  contribute  regularly  to  send  out 
missionaries  as  pioneers  of  God  and  commerce. 

"I  fearlessly  give  you  plenty  of  clues,  you  see;  I  am 
now  traveling  with  my  dear  wife  who  is  the  daughter  of 
one  of  your  most  distinguished  countrymen,  whose  inter- 
national ethics  beautifully  coincide  with  mine,  and  we  are 
stunningly  happy.  For  your  courtly  courtesy  I  thank 
you,  its  memory  always  softens  me,  it  was  a  tribute  to 
American  soul;  every  one  should  be  a  king  once  in  a 
while  to  learn  what  a  gurgling  fountain  of  affection  there 
is  in  his  fellowmen.  I  owe  you  a  great  deal.  If  you 
are  ever  in  trouble — but  I  couldn't  very  well  help  you. 
could  I? 

"Your  Gracious  and  Appreciating  ex-Sovereign, 

"The  African  Prince." 


THE  END. 


JAN  2  7 '51 

phii-JoJ.  ill  fo 
3-DAY  RESLRVS 


813 .49      S977  47250 


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